Haphazardly Loved

Infections of the Shaved Tarantula

Ino sat on the counter in the large bathroom, watching the Leader shave his face.

"So…if you don't shave everyday, you end up with a red bush on your face?"

"…I suppose you could say it like that. Yes."

Ino nodded, completely absorbing everything the Leader said (He had that effect).

"So what kind of shaving gel do you use?"

Leader slapped his smooth cheeks, "I only buy Gillete. No matter how cheap Kakuzu is, I draw the line there."

Ino laughed.

Leader sighed and turned toward Ino, "But I do have a favor to ask of you though."

Ino jumped off that counter, "Shoot."

He sighed sadly, "Apparently, I'm allergic to my piercings, so I must go into town to get some more."

Ino gaped.

The man had like, twenty something piercings.

"So I have devised a plan. Kakuzu only managed to kidnap Haruno Sakura, and he should be here within an hour. I suppose we could meet Tobi and Deidara at the town, and between you, Sakura-san, Tobi and Deidara, I figured we could find at least a couple decent piercings."

Ino nodded. Jewelry shopping was something she and Sakura did frequently.

Leader continued, "I'm leaving Itachi, Kisame, Hidan, and Blue to hold down the fort, and Kakuzu is going to collect some bounty and since they only managed to kidnap one of your friends, Zetsu left to spy for us."

As the two walked out of the bathroom Leader said, "I need you to give Itachi-san a cheer up. Between his bedspread and his hair, he doesn't seem to be doing so well."

They were interrupted by a voice.

"What the hell were you two doing in the bathroom together?"

They turned around to see the blue haired lady holding a cooking magazine, an indescribable look on her face.

But the look could be roughly translated as a "I just got raped by Orochimaru" look.

Leader sighed, "Ino-san was watching me shave."

The lady glanced between the two of them. "Right."

She pulled out a sucker from her pocket and shoved pass them.

Ino waved to Leader and went to visit Itachi.

XXX

Ino was surprised to find that Itachi was not in his room.

Ino wandered around the cave until she found him in the main room, sprawled on the couch, watching Transformers.

Again.

"Itachi, I realize that it's a really cool movie, but your going to have to take a shower soon…"

Itachi sniffed his armpit and then looked at Ino dejectedly, "…Okay."

He made no move to get up.

Ino sighed, she grabbed his hand and dragged him gently to the bathroom she just got out of.

Itachi sat limply on the toilet as Ino turned the water on.

She turned around, put her hands on her hips and said in a very motherly voice, "Now, mister, I'm going to go get you some clothes, and you better be naked and in that shower when I get back!"

She stomped out.

XXX

Ino picked out a black set of silk boxers, a loose Optimus Prime T-shirt, and a pair of loose fitting blue jean shorts.

Perfect for lounging around (Which Ino assumed Itachi would do after the shower).

When she finally got to the bathroom, Itachi was standing there, in a towel, sopping wet, his face void of emotion.

"I feel much better Ino-san" Itachi said quietly.

Ino smiled and gave him his clothes.

"That's good!" She said enthusiastically, "But make sure you do not look in a mirror!"

Itachi nodded vigorously.

"Yes."

Ino saluted him and left the bathroom.

XXX

When Ino made her way to the kitchen she saw Kisame pouring gold fish crackers into a big bowl.

Ino smiled at him. She didn't know him well, but he had a mild personality, and she found herself just lounging with him.

"Hey Kisame! What are you doing?"

Ino peeked over the side of Kisame (She wasn't tall enough to peek over his shoulder).

Kisame made a troubled face, "Your friend is coming, yes? Well, I figured she hasn't seen Transformers yet…so I figured I'd serve some of my special "Transformers" themed gold fish crackers…but I have no idea where they are…"

Ino scratched her head.

Transformers was slowly becoming an odd…obsession within the criminal group.

But she couldn't blame them though, Transformers was the awesomest thing since sliced bread.

Kisame tapped his chin, "Well, I think they might be in the food storage room…"

"Then why don't we go look for them? Ino asked, "I have time."

Kisame looked at her, "I suppose we could."

XXX

Kisame and Ino looked at the stair way uneasily.

Ino said wearily, "It looks…ominous."

Kisame chuckled, "Yeah. Word of advice, stay near me."

"…why?" Ino asked nervously.

"Well…when the Akatsuki first started, Leader had a pet tarantula…and he got loose and made a home in the storage room."

"What's so bad about a spider?" Ino asked, confused.

"Well…Zetsu-san had some very strong weed killer stored in the room for a while, and the tarantula got into it…and it grew big."

"…big?"

"Big."

"How big?"

"Really big."

"…could kill us big?"

"Could seriously maim us, then kill us big."

"…"

"Well, we better get going."

Ino latched herself onto Kisame's arm and gulped, "Well, er…"

And the two delved into darkness.

XXX

Ino gasped.

This "room" was probably three times bigger than the cave they lived in, and it was all filled with food.

As Kisame and Ino made there way down the fourth row of stacked food, they found the giant box of gold fish.

Ino shook the box and smiled, "These are so adorable!"

The cheese crackers were the shaped of the Autobot's logo and the Decepticons.

Kisame nodded holding another box, "These are also cheese crackers, but they are bigger, and in the shape of the Autobots from the movie."

Ino squealed, "Does it have Optimus prime?"

Kisame nodded.

But before they could celebrate, a loud growl echoed through the room.

"K-Kisame? D-do spiders growl?"

"I don't know…and I don't want to find out."

Suddenly, a huge spider knocked over the high pile of food.

Ino and Kisame stared at it.

It stared back.

It jumped and landed on Ino, who screamed.

Kisame moved into action, pulled the spider off of Ino's face, grabbed her by the stomach and ran like the devil was after him.

For all they knew, the devil was.

XXX

Kisame and Ino were sitting on the couch, in shock.

Hidan walked in and sat next to them.

"So…you two met that fuckwad that lives in the food storage room, eh?"

Ino and Kisame nodded.

Hidan frowned, "I swear, that thing just won't die. I tried to perform one of my rituals on it…man, Kakuzu spent four hours sowing me back together."

Ino paled.

After a minute or two, Ino noticed that Hidan was only wearing boxers.

"Er, Hidan, why are you only wearing boxers?"

Kisame smacked his forehead.

Hidan smirked, "Well, when I'm not wearing my cloak, I prefer minimal coverage. If it weren't for you, I would be in the nude as we speak."

"…are you serious?"

Kisame sighed, "You got used to it after a while."

Hidan was smirking smugly when Itachi walked in, his grey-black hair still not able to be held in a ponytail.

"Hello Ino-san, Kisame-san, Hidan."

"Hey fuckface!."

"Hello Itachi-san."

"Hi Itachi!"

The man sat down and after a moment of silence, Hidan spoke up, "You wanna watch Transformers? If Jashin-sama were alive, he'd make that movie a god."

The other three nodded enthusiastically.

…

After fifteen minutes, Leader walked in and clicked off the tv.

Hidan stood up to protest when two people walked in.

The reaction was immediate.

"Billboard Brow!"

"Ino-pig!"

The two girls just about tackled each other.

Leader turned to Kakuzu who was counting a large wad of paper money.

"Kakuzu, why did we not succeed in kidnapping the other two?"

Kakuzu sighed.

XXX In Konoha XXX

Hinata dialed the phone, "Hey Tenten, the weirdest thing happened last night…a Venus fly trap appeared in my room. It tried to eat my face off. It took both Neji and my father to kill it."

"Really? That is weird. But something happened to me too. Somebody stole all of my money. Even my sock that I hid in my weapons cabinet. It was seriously odd."

Tenten and Hinata were confused.

XXX

Noticing the large wad of money, the Leader said suspiciously,

"Kakuzu…where did you get that?"

"Sakura-san got pissed off at this hotel clerk who hit on her, so when we left, she jacked the register."

Leader stared at the petite pink haired girl and wonderment.

"Just because he hit on her?"

"…more like squeezed her ass and grabbed her breast."

Leader look mortified.

"What?"

"Yeah, it was quite a sight to see. Apparently, he had groped every young female who was staying there and Sakura-san started a mob."

"A mob."

"Yes, Leader, a mob."

"Impressive."

"Much."

They turned their attention to the completely ecstatic females.

"Ne, Ino-chan, I'm hungry. Make me some of your famous New York style buffalo wings?"

Sakura pleaded, hands together and on her knees.

Ino laughed and the two ninjas skipped to the kitchen.

The men soon fallowed suit.

"Kakuzu, what is "New York?"

Itachi turned towards leader and said, "I can answer that. New York is a city from the hit manga "Earth". Its about a civilization that uses things called guns and bombs, jets and bazookas to blow shit up. Its quite amusing actually."

"It does sound amusing. When you see Deidara, please tell him about this…he may be able to draw inspiration from this "Earth"."

Itachi nodded.

XXX

As they sat at the table, Leader suggested that they introduce themselves to Sakura and visa versa.

"Well, I'm Haruno Sakura, I'm rather violent, I like dumplings, and my hair is naturally pink."

The men looked at each other.

Itachi cleared his throat, "I'm Uchiha Itachi, as you know. I like transformers, the color red, and I enjoy watching Gilmore Girls."

Ino and Sakura looked at each other.

Ino wasn't as surprised as Sakura, but seriously, what kind of S-class criminal watches a girly soap opera?

They watched as Itachi tucked one of the longer pieces of hair behind his ear very daintily.

Kisame flashed a sharky grin and said, "My name is Kisame, I like gold fish crackers, Transformers, and I detest how my sword looks like a giant tampon."

Silence.

Hidan smacked the table, "The name's Hidan. I fucking love Jashin, blood, and pain."

Leader gave him a look.

"…okay, fuck, I also love Transformers, Herbal Essence, and I used to own a dog named Caesar."

Kakuzu stated dryly, "I assume you got tired of the mutt and killed him."

Hidan glared at him and said defensively, "No, dogs don't have a long life, fuckface."

Kakuzu grunted and turned his attention towards Sakura, "My name is Kakuzu, I like balancing check books, money, and napping on hammocks."

Hidan rolled his eyes, "Ggay!"

Leader rubbed his head, "Oi."

"Well, I'm the Leader of Akatsuki, I like Transformers, White chocolate, and Frogs are my favorite animals."

He smiled and touched his face self consciously.

This did not go unnoticed by Ino, who asked, "What's wrong?"

"Oh nothing, I just feel odd. Its been five years since I've had any of them out."

Sakura looked at him curiously, "Had what out?"

Leader deflated, "My piercings."

Ino snorted and changed the subject, "What do all of you hoodlums want for lunch?"

Many voices answered her, but a strong, commanding voice rang above all else,

"Captain Crunch and Coke, please."

Everybody looked at the Leader of the Akatsuki.

Itachi tapped his chin, "Doesn't sound bad…"

Kisame rubbed his stomach, "I'll eat anything."

Hidan shrugged its shoulders, "It can't kill me, I'm immortal."

Kakuzu looked at the Leader thoughtfully, "I've never had it before."

Sakura giggled and said, "Whatever floats your boat. Buffalo wings can wait."

"Its decided then." Leader said, "Eight bowls, Ino-san!"

Ino sighed.

XXX

One Transformers movie and eight bowls of Coke Captain Crunch later, Sakura, Ino, and Leader left for town.

XXX

When they got into town, Deidara's loud voice and Tobi's vibrant mask weren't hard to miss.

Deidara was currently in the middle of the street, his hair sopping wet, yelling at Tobi,

"You moron! Do you know how long it took me to do my hair-yeah?"

Tobi, who was cowering on the other side of the street, said feebly, "Tobi didn't know the water gun was full. Tobi swears! Swears!"

Leader sighed, "Deidara, leave the poor boy alone."

Deidara glared at him and flipped his heavy hair over his shoulder.

"Whatever, yeah."

Ino smiled brightly as Tobi flung himself onto her,

"Ino-chan! Tobi has missed you so much! Deidara-senpai is so mean to Tobi, he makes Tobi feel bad!"

Ino blushed.

It was odd being smothered by a man that was a good foot and a half taller than her.

Pleasant, but odd.

As he ran back to Deidara, Sakura elbowed Ino.

"Looks like someone has been busy…"

Ino punched Sakura in the arm half heartedly.

"It's the mask", the blonde mumbled, " the mask makes him hot."

Sakura smirked, "Right."

XXX

The Leader had sent Tobi and Deidara to find some nail polish, because the Akatsuki were running low.

But he took the two girls to a small shop on a corner of a street.

A jewelry store.

As they walked in an elderly lady waved to them,

"Pein, my son, why have you come?"

Sakura and Ino looked between them.

"Your name is Pein?"

"Your mom has pink hair?"

The woman smiled, her pink hair held in a loose pony tail, her green eyes flashing, amused.

Sakura quickly grabbed the leader's collar, and with amazing strength, made their eyes meet,

"Why the hell does your mother look exactly like mine?"

Leader's mother interrupted, "I would only venture to guess that we were related. Anyway, Pein, why are you here?"

Pein sighed, "I'm allergic to my piercings. I need some new ones. And you are the only jeweler who makes the poles that go through my ears."

The woman sighed and led them to the back room.

After thirty minutes, Sakura held up a set of earrings.

"I think these would suit you, Leader."

Leader and Ino shuffled over to wear Sakura was standing.

The Leader took one look at them, and by god, it was love at first sight.

"I love them! Mom, I'll take these!"

It was a set of earrings that his mother had specifically ordered for her son.

Every piercing was blue with red flames.

The marking of Optimus Prime, the leader of the autobots from the movie Transformers.

As Pein followed his mother to the outside room, his mother shouted to the two girls,

"Pick whatever you like! It's all for you!"

Sakura and Ino looked at each other.

"Sweet."

XXX

When the two girls walked out of the back room, they saw that Leader had all of his piercings in.

"So, girlies, what did you two pick?"

Ino held out her hand, "I chose a transformer themed ring, the one and only Bumblebee."

The ring was yellow, with two black stripes going down it.

Sakura gestured towards her right ear, "This is the Autobot's logo."

She gestured to the left, "And this is the decepticon's logo I honestly don't know what they are, but Ino said they were awesome."

The woman laughed and shooed the three people out of her store.

"Get out you hoodlums, as much as I love my son, this town isn't criminal friendly!"

XXX

Once they got to the cave, Tobi tackled Ino to the couch and snuggled against her.

Sakura smirked and dragged the leader out of the main room.

Ino squirmed underneath him, "Tobi…what are you doing?"

"Tobi is snuggling against his Ino-chan."

"Your Ino-chan?"

Tobi purred.

"Yes…Tobi's…"

He relaxed against her and Ino found herself blushing.

Again.

XXX

Sakura and the Leader huddled next to each other and stared at the two on the couch.

"Sakura-san, should we be spying like this?"

"Just shut up and watch."

XXX

Though she would admit that he was a very flirtatious creature, she had never been so…close to anyone like this.

Tobi, who was still purring (Ino had no idea that people could purr. Maybe it was a Tobi thing), pulled up his mask slightly, only enough for Ino to see his lips, and smashed them down upon Ino's.

Who just about shit her pants.

But , she thought between kisses, Tobi was definitely very, very, skilled at kissing.

She moaned.

Very, very skilled indeed.

But before they could proceed any further, Leader jumped from his hiding spot,

"Okay, okay, you are not doing that on my leather couch!"

Tobi slid his mask down and laughed, "Tobi wouldn't do anything like that on your couch! Tobi is a good boy!"

Ino blushed as Sakura, who had also revealed herself, gave her a look of pure smugness.

Leader sighed.

"Sakura, Ino, please go get Mom."

"…Mom?" Ino asked, "The one at the store?"

Leader shook his head no, "Uh, the blue haired lady. We call her mom because she pays the bills. And she makes sure we are stocked on food."

Sakura and Ino sighed.

These, men, if you could even call them that, were extremely hopeless.

No wonder why they were single.

XXX

As they walked down one of the many hallways, Ino remembered,

"Sakura, what do you think you were doing, spying on me like that?"

"You guys were making out in the main room on a couch. Not exactly private."

Ino said nothing, Sakura was right.

Sakura continued, "I was surprised Tobi would do that though…he didn't seem like the kind of person to do that…" She gave Ino a sly look, "It seems that Tobi isn't such a good boy after all…"

Ino blushed, "Shut up, forehead girl!"

Sakura and Ino jumped as a door flung out in front of them, barely missing their noses.

The door slammed shut once again to reveal, the blue haired lady.

"Mom?" the two girls said in unison.

She looked at them, pulled a sucker out of her pocket, and said lazily, "What's it to you?"

"Er, Leader wanted us to get you…" Sakura said uneasily.

Mom looked between both of them, her I don't care-ness radiating off her persona.

"Okay."

Wow…that was anticlimactic. Ino thought to herself.

XXX

When the three females entered the main room they were greeted with eight voices,

"Mom!"

Mom flipped her blue hair and walk to the farthest end of the couch, mumbling, "God, men disgust me with their antics…"

Leader was sitting in the middle of the big couch, Itachi and Kisame, who was holding a bowl of cheese crackers, to his left, Tobi to his right. Hidan was sprawled on the floor, only in his boxers, Kakuzu was next to him, counting money, Zetsu, who had arrived when the girls were out, was on the end of the couch, and Deidara was next to Tobi, his legs over the top of the couch, his head resting on the leader's out stretched foot.

"Ah, we are just about to watch Transformers." Leader said to the girls.

Sakura looked at Ino, confused. "Transformers?"

Hidan answered her, "Only the best goddamned movie ever."

Sakura eyed him suspiciously.

Ino laughed and went to where Tobi was, fully intent on sitting next to him, but Tobi had other ideas.

He grabbed her the stomach and buried her into his cloak.

Ino blushed as she curled up against the masked man's chest, her small frame molded perfectly against his.

Sakura giggled and wiggled her way between Kisame and Itachi, who put up no fight.

Ino's blush intensified as she header Sakura's giggling.

Life wasn't fair.

"Is Ino-chan comfy?" Tobi asked the blonde.

Ino nodded, not trusting her voice.

By now, Sakura had her face buried in the side of Kisame, trying not to laugh.

Leader, who was looking at Deidara's head that was on his foot in mute interest, said in a commanding voice, "Now listen to me you nimrods, we are starting the movie, shut up!"

He looked down, "Hidan, would you please…?"

Hidan smiled and pulled the remote…from somewhere and clicked play.

Ino, who had been entrapped by Tobi, watched as Leader kept glancing at his foot every couple of seconds.

Ino eyes him suspiciously one more time before she paid attention to the movie.

She wasn't surprised when three minutes later a howl of pain echoed through the room, masking the movie's sound completely.

"Holy hell, are we being attacked?"

"Pause the movie, Hidan, pause it!"

"Someone turn the fucking light on!"

"God, men are morons."

When the light did finally click on, Ino saw Deidara halfway on Zetsu, his face contorted in pain, his hands covering the left of his head.

Tobi squeaked, "Deidara-senpai! Are you ok?"

Ino looked at leader, who had both of his feet fit under his bottom snugly, a very smug and satisfied looked graced his features.

Ino looked at him, her tone condemning, "…what did you do…"

Leader smirked and shrugged his shoulders nonchalantly, "Hey, I saw the opportunity, and I took it. I'm a businessman, can you blame me?"

Ino snorted and watched as the injured Deidara sat up shakily, his good eye glaring at his leader with a passion.

"Hidan, press play?" Leader asked.

"Yeah, sure-Fuck? Where is the remote?"

Suddenly the movie began to play and everyone looked at the outstretched hand.

That belonged to Sakura.

"Eh, what gives?" Hidan shouted at her.

"I'm the lady, I get first dibs on remote!"

"Says who?"

"Says me!"

As the two argued the rest of the group sighed, they tried to watch the movie.

But Sakura and Hidan argued something fierce and the movie was lost, and a battle of words sieged through the night.

XXX

The Queen of Ramen

Ramenism

I hope you liked it, I sure did!

I can't believe Tobi is all bad ass now in the manga!! Zoinks!

Anyway, I've concluded that HinataXHidan and TenTenXKisame would be hard to pull off, so the new pairing I've added is TsunadeXPein. I've got big plans for this so….

The official pairings: Tobi and Ino, And Tsunade X Pein

So…NEXT CHAPTER:

Enter Naruto, the raging wars of Remote ownership and Tobi is a good boy.

Okie Dokie, see you next time!

I own Naruto…and I'm the president of the united state and my laptop is made out of pure gold….right…..So the point is…I don't own…ah, hell, whatever.

Lotsa love to my readers, you make this bowl of Ramen feel good!

PS. I'm sorry if you don't get the Transformers thing…..I just have to put it in there….