Haphazardly Loved

Make-out Sessions of the Remote Wars

(Consider your self warned…)

Ino yawned and sat up, her body protesting against leaving the warmth.

Groggily she slapped her hand around in an effort to find her two rings when the thing she slapped groaned.

"…the hell?"

Ino looked at where her hand was and almost gasped.

She had just slapped Tobi's masked face.

Tobi just snored a little louder and rolled over.

Fully awake, Ino realized that she must have fallen asleep to Sakura's and Hidan's bickering and Tobi must have carried her to her room.

Ino didn't really mind having Tobi in her bed, he was like her very own "man blanket".

Ino snorted and quietly saw that her roommate (Her room was huge, they could probably fit a couple more beds in and still be able to pull off a drunk college worthy party) , Sakura, wasn't in bed.

She slid on her Transformers slippers and shuffled quietly to the hallway, where she heard loud shouts.

Curious, she wandered her way to the main room.

Only to see a half naked Sakura on a half naked Hidan.

Wrestling.

Ino ran to the couch, "Sakura, why the hell are you only wearing your underwear?"

Sakura didn't look at her, "Hey, if he can go around in his underwear, I can too! Give me my remote you annoying religious man!"

Hidan scowled, "Your remote? I don't every remember it being your remote, bitch!"

Ino heard foot steps and looked at the doorway, praying it wasn't the leader.

She found herself staring at a blonde boy.

With blue eyes.

Who was wearing orange and black.

"N-Naruto?"

Naruto, who seemed to be immobilized, came back to life, also running to the couch,

"Sakura-chan What are you doing to this man?"

"What the hell are you doing here Naruto?" Sakura looked up at him.

"Hah! I got it, bitch!"

"Oh no you don't!"

Naruto looked at Ino, "Ino? I was looking for a special Ramen store and I found this cave…"

"Naruto, make yourself useful, take the remote from this son of a-"

"Ignore her, Blondie, she's the one who stole it from me!"

Ino, who's morning nerves were much like pms, snapped, "We are dealing with a major crisis here!"

"That's what I'm talking about, Ino-pig! This sad excuse for a man has my remote!"

"Bitch please, I've lived here for five years, you've lived here for two days!"

Ino hopped on the couch and grabbed the remote, "Okay, now. I have the remote, whatcha gonna do about it?"

Sakura and Hidan looked at each other.

And then tackled her.

But before they could get the remote, Ino threw it up in the air and it landed conveniently in Naruto's hands.

Naruto watched as the two underwear clad ninjas climbed over the couch.

"Oh crap."

And faster than you could say "Dattebayo" the two crazed ninjas were on him like Kakashi was on porn.

Ino peeked over the couch and saw that they had stripped Naruto of all his clothes but his boxers and he had the remote in his mouth.

Ino was about to help him when a voice carried easily over the curse words being thrown around.

"Is there any particular reason why loud shouting disrupted my time with the TV?"

The leader appeared in the doorway, wearing a sea foam green bathrobe with silver polka dots and matching slippers.

Suddenly, Itachi, Kisame, and Tobi appeared, apparently also hearing the chaos. (How the hell the others didn't hear them, Ino wasn't sure of. They must sleep like logs…perhaps, Zetsu more than anyone….)

Kisame looked at them and said in a dismayed voice, "Why don't I get invited to anything!"

Tobi flailed his arms, "Ino-chan!! Are you okay?"

Hidan, Sakura, and Naruto stood slowly, revealing themselves to the leader.

He glanced at Ino.

"Love your slippers."

He glanced at Sakura and Hidan, "Seriously, as your Leader, I don't want to know."

He then glanced at Naruto, who scrunched up his eyes.

"Either Deidara cut his hair, got tattoos, tanned, and grew three inches shorter or this is a guest."

Ino nodded, "Leader this is Uzumaki Naruto, Naruto this is Leader."

Naruto looked at leader and an odd shine appeared in his eyes, "I like your piercings!"

The same odd shine appeared in Pein's eyes, "Thank you, I like your whiskers!"

Sakura groaned.

This same shine appeared whenever Naruto ate Ramen.

Something called "Naruto Love", which, in Naruto's own little way, was a sign of respect.

It would seem that Naruto had found himself a Daddy figure.

XXX

As they ate in the kitchen, Ino asked Naruto how he found the cave.

"Well, I think that Kakashi wears his mask because he has sever allergies that nothing can cure. So I wanted to test it. I found a field and I wandered for a while and I found myself here."

Ino knew all of the fields in Konoha, her family owned the flower shop after all.

"What kind of flowers were in the field?"

"Blue and white. Some Pink."

"Blue, white, pink…hey, that's my field!"

The table stared at Ino.

Ino said to Leader, "Your hideout is in my field, is that how you kidnapped me?"

Leader, who had a mouthful of poptart, gestured to Kisame and Itachi.

Kisame grinned and shrugged, "Well…"

XX Flash back XXX

Kisame and Itachi stared at the Ino, who was sleeping in a patch of flowers.

Kisame grinned, "Wanna kidnap her?"

Itachi shrugged, "Sure."

XXX End flash back XXX

Ino hit her head on the table, "You've got to be kidding me. I'd wanted my kidnapping to be more…dramatic…you know, for a good story."

Sakura broke off a small piece of poptart, "You know, if you could find it , Naruto, I'm sure Sasuke could."

Naruto nodded (though a little insulted), and Hidan said, "I'm surprised he hasn't by now. Our cave even has a fucking welcome mat."

"Yep, It's lime green with the word in red." Leader said, seemingly pleased with himself.

"I hope he finds us."

Every one looked at Itachi, who poked his poptart hard.

"My foolish little brother thinks that the Akatsuki is full of filthy s-class criminals that live to kill and that we have no hopes and no dreams."

Itachi ripped the poptart in two,

"Though I'll admit, some of us like to kill, we have feelings and hopes. Hopes that got killed by their fathers…"

The group scooted their chairs closer to him, it was story time.

"Well, you see…it all started when I turned seven…"

XXX 13-ish years ago (Assuming that Itachi is Twenty Something) XXX

A seven year old Itachi looked at his mother's women magazine and fell in love.

He ran to his father and tugged on his leg, "Dad, I want to become an under wear model just like the guy in the picture!"

Fugaku looked at the man and slapped his son's hand, "No! Listen boy, you will become the heir to the Uchiha clan and you'll not disgrace out family by doing that…that male strip tease for money!"

Fugaku walked away, leaving little Itachi's heart crushed.

XXXXX

Itachi began to deform the next Poptart, "I spent the next five years training myself. I had mastered the cat like walk, the poised face, the air of superiority that models had, I made my body look like a god. At the age of thirteen I could begin a career in modeling legally, but there was only one thing in my way. Parental consent."

XXX 7 years ago XXX

"No! As your parent, I will not allow you to do such foolishness!"

Itachi scowled, "I could bring in great money. And great fame."

"I already said no!" Fugaku said sternly.

But Itachi persisted, "Father, I don't think you've come to terms with how hot I really am…I'm practically sex on legs."

Mikoto gasped.

"Itachi, I am your father, and I said no. You will do as you're told."

Itachi's eyes flashed red but he said,

"Yes father…of course father…I'll be-"

He saw the smug look on his parent's face and he snapped.

"Fuck this, you can't control me like I'm some dog!"

And thus, exactly 12 minutes and 45.9 seconds later, the Uchiha clan lived no more.

And as Fugaku breathed his last breath, he heard his son's voice,

"You just watch from hell, daddy. I'll become a model, make lotsa money and own this world. Respect it, bitch!"

XXX

"And that was the last thing I said to my parents." The stoic man said quietly.

"Woah, that's fucking deep, dude," Hidan said, scratching his bare chest.

Sakura tapped her chin thoughtfully, "You ever think Sasuke would have accepted that?"

Itachi looked at her oddly, "Maybe when he was a child, but this new…gay version of my brother isn't so open…"

"It would be very amusing though", he added as an after thought.

XXX Exactly 5,234.85 miles away from Akatsuki XXX

Karin tapped her chin thoughtfully, "Hey Sasuke-kun, do you ever think that Itachi killed your clan because he wanted to become a male model?"

Sasuke stopped walking.

"If you ever mention that again, Karin, I will not hesitate to kill you."

Karin adjusted her glasses, "Sorry Sasuke-kun."

Sasuke walked ahead of the group but Karin and Suigetsu lagged behind,

"Wow, Sasuke-kun's a pretty cranky guy. It's not like Orochimaru nailed him in the butt or anything."

Suigetsu smirked, "Well, actually, I heard that Orochimaru came pretty close…"

Karin gaped, "What?"

Suigetsu and Karin huddled together, the gossip session starting,

"Yeah, I heard that he asked Sasuke if he wanted to see his "snake". And Sasuke said yes, because that idiot takes everything literally, and when Orochimaru did show him, Sasuke past out on the spot. And when he woke up, Orochimaru was chasing him around, naked, but Sasuke managed to kill him."

"No way!"

The two looked at him for a second,

"You know, Sasuke-kun's butt-bow is kind of gay."

Suigetsu snorted, "I swear, if we ever see his old teammates, I'm going hide behind a bush and say in a dramatic voice, "Guess who's back? The gayest man of the year!" and it's going to be hilarious."

"That's genius-

"Ahem."

Karin and Suigetsu grimaced and turned around.

Only to see a surprisingly self-conscience Sasuke.

"Okay, fist off, Orochimaru was actually holding a snake when he asked me that, what was I supposed to think? Secondly, I was in a hurry, and I couldn't find a belt, so I had to use this bow. And lastly, do I really look that gay?"

He finished his sentence with an elaborate hand gesture, that just screamed, "Look at me, I'm special, I use opposite gender hand gestures".

Suigetsu and Karin looked at each other.

"Nah."

Sasuke scowled. They were awfully bad liars, considering the fact that they were ninjas.

Little did Sasuke know, he wasn't the only Uchiha constantly getting his masculinity challenged.

So, even though he didn't consider Itachi his family, it was the same blood that flowed through their veins.

XXX

Fifteen minutes later after Itachi's deep story of his childhood, Leader called for a meeting.

XXX

"It would seem that we have grown closer to Ino-san and Sakura-san in the past one and a half weeks…so in view of the circumstances…screw it, lets just forget the plan and take a vacation."

The men (and the one fairly pissed off, half asleep woman) looked at each other and said,

"Agreed."

So, since Leader felt obliged to make the meeting longer, he pulled out several big catalogs.

"Men, Mom, it is time that we do our refurbishing of clothes and furniture…"

He looked at them all, "Your guidance counselor for color schemes, décor, and lighting will be Itachi."

He slammed his fists down on the table.

"And men? As your leader, I will not accept failure. It's fashion or bust, now get working!"

XXX

Sakura, Naruto, who were both in their underwear, and Ino sat at the table.

"So, Sakura-chan, Ino. I'm bored."

Sakura glared at him.

"Well…you know …I did this all the time when I was a kid…"

Sakura and Naruto turned their attention to Ino.

XXX

An hour later, the Akatsuki walked out of their meeting room and into the kitchen.

Only to find themselves graced with the an oddly familiar sight.

Naruto and Ino were on the table, had there backs to them, both of there hips beating to an unheard rhythm, as was Sakura.

The three turned around, all eyes shut, and Naruto and Ino began to sing,

"Ahhh…..aaaahhhh!"

Sakura stomped her foot and sang loudly, her strong voice carrying,

"Where have all the good men gone and where are all the gods? Where's the street wise Hercules to fight the rising odds? Isn't there a white night upon a fiery steed? Late at night I toss and turn and dream of what I need!"

Sakura twirled around and sank back, "Ahh! Ahh!"

Naruto and Ino and Sakura started twirling in unison.

Naruto sang in a surprisingly pleasant voice, "I need a hero! I'm holding out for a hero 'til the end of the night!"

Sakura pointed a finger and said, "He's gotta be strong and he's gotta be fast and he's gotta fresh from the fight!

Naruto scrunched up his face, seemingly feeling pain, "I need a hero! I'm holding out for a hero 'til the morning light!

Ino swiveled in front of him, "He's gotta be sure and it's gotta be soon and he's gotta be larger than life, larger than life!"

Naruto and Sakura sank back, and Ino continued to sing, "Somewhere after midnight in my wildest fantasy…somewhere just beyond my reach, there's someone reaching back for me. Racing on the thunder and rising with the heat. It's gonna take a superman to sweep me off my feet!"

She slapped her butt and Naruto jumped in front of her and sang dramatically, "Up where the mountains reach the heavens above, Out when the lightning splits the sea. I could swear that there's someone somewhere watching me…"

He eyes still shut tightly, he grabbed his chest where is heart would be, "Through the wind and the chill and the rain, and the storm and flood, I can feel his approach like the fire in my blood!"

Sakura and Ino stood next to Naruto and all six of their eyes opened at the same time, "Hero! Hero! Her-"

The three of them dropped their spoons.

Leader smiled at them and said to Ino, "That was actually good."

Ino blushed.

Tobi came up in front of his leader and wrapped himself pathetically around Ino's legs.

"Tobi doesn't know what a superman is and Tobi doesn't know how to be larger than life! Tobi hopes you'll still have him!"

Ino patted his head, "Tobi, you worry to much."

Sakura laughed, but saw that Kisame was approaching her,

"Hi Kisame."

He looked up at her, "Would it make any difference if your hero was blue?"

Naruto gaped.

If Itachi were any other person, his jaw would have collided with the floor.

Not once, in the seven or so years he and Kisame had been partners (And good friends), had the shark ever taken any interest of the opposite sex, not even his own. Maybe not even sex period.

Well, he himself hadn't either, but becoming a male model basically ate out any other feelings.

Hidan, who was forced to put some clothes on, only raised an eyebrow. It was beginning to become a little too dramatic for his taste.

Deidara was absolutely pissed. If people like Kisame and Tobi could get some women, why couldn't he?

He looked sexy, he walked sexy, hell, he even sounded sexy.

He growled and left the room.

Mom looked between the blue man and the pink haired ninja and sighed. This was beginning to sound a lot like a teenybopper movie.

Sakura blushed so much she could feel her arms burning.

It wasn't that she had never been hit on before, but how did he manage to do it so indirectly yet directly at the same time?

But her heart was working faster than her brain and she found herself saying, "Actually, I'd prefer it."

Naruto was about to scream.

In happiness.

He had long forgotten his little crush, but Sakura had never seemed to get over Sasuke .

Naruto almost tackled Kisame.

Ino was also feeling excited. Sakura hadn't been on a date since that time she got drunk and went out with Neji, who was also drunk.

Ino had found the two of them in her swimming pool, both clad in cow suits.

So dating was never really high on Sakura's agenda of stuff to do.

The room settled on an uneasy silence.

Leader's head was turning. Though he was happy that his subordinates were finally finding partners or whatever, he was not about to let this become a remake of Icha Icha Paradise.

Oh no, after Kakashi had sent him the book collection a couple years back, he couldn't look a single thing without thinking weird things.

But before he could say anything, a loud growl cut through the silence like a machete knife.

Everybody turned their attention to Itachi who patted his stomach lightly.

If he were any other person, he might have apologized, but he was Uchiha Itachi, and he gave them look that dared them to say anything.

Ino laughed nervously, "Heh, you guys want some lunch?"

The group nodded and Itachi smirked in satisfaction.

Oh yeah, he still had it.

XXX

"Ino, what the flying fuck do you put in this?" Hidan asked, tears streaming down his face.

In fact, tears were streaming down everyone's face except for Naruto, Ino, and Sakura's.

"Hm…just about two of every pepper I could find."

Ino had made her New York Style buffalo wings. Also known as the 'Super Duper, Ultra Hotness To The Max Burn Your Tongue Off Wings From Hell' buffalo wings .

Tobi poked his dejectedly, "Tobi didn't know that buffalo had wings. Tobi doesn't even know what buffalo are!"

Naruto snorted and half choked on his food.

Sakura was about to help Naruto when a loud song disrupted them.

"Transformers! Robots in disguise, Transformers, more than meets the eye…"

Everybody looked around them, confused.

"Ah, and that would be the doorbell." Leader said and got up.

When he walked out of the room, Hidan asked Kakuzu, "When'd we get a fucking doorbell."

Kakuzu answered him with a question, "Do you have any idea how much doorbells cost?"

A second later, Leader walked in, looking irritated.

"Leader…?" Naruto asked.

And then someone walked in behind him.

A rather pale, black haired, notable lips, and way to much of his torso showing, emotionless boy stood before them.

"Sai?" Ino, Sakura, and Naruto half screamed.

Leader looked at the boy uneasily and then turned to Naruto, "Can you please explain to me why he has asked me if I have a penis?"

Naruto's face contorted in a scowlish grimace.

"Ah, Sai seems to not have the fullest grip on what emotions are…" Sakura said carefully.

Leader glared at the boy and then lifted him up, and threw him into the chair next to him.

Naruto's eyes bulged, "You must be really strong, probably even stronger than Sakura-chan."

Leader sniffed, his ego hurt, "Damn straight."

Sakura and Ino looked at each other and sighed, "Men."

After an odd silence, Leader said to the table, "So, every three years we, the Akatsuki, order all new furniture."

Sakura and Ino looked at each other, "Why?"

Leader tapped his chin.

"Because we can."

Sakura rolled her eyes.

Leader clapped his hands, "Anyway, you all will be broken up into groups, and then in charge of picking out furniture, paint, and lighting. If you need help, you can ask Itachi."

He stood up, seemingly excited, "Oh, and I have a surprise. Now listen closely. Since we are no longer scheming to take over the world…we have one million dollars to burn."

Hidan perked up considerably, "One million?"

Kakuzu seemed to be having a seizure. "The pain of spending…I can already feel it…"

Itachi raised his eyebrows, "So if I wanted to buy some boxers that were woven with pure gold, I could?"

Leader made a face, "I suppose you could…"

As the table talked about what they could buy, Leader threw a large pile of catalogs on the table.

"These are your groups!"

They looked at him.

"Bedrooms: Itachi….and…"

He looked around.

"and Sai!"

Itachi glanced emotionlessly at Sai, who returned it.

"Main room: Kisame and Sakura!"

Sakura smiled and looked at Kisame, who had a shark's grin plastered on his face.

"Bathrooms: Deidara and Hidan. I know how much time you two spend in there."

Deidara grinned at Hidan and said, "Hypothetical high five!" (1)

The two men looked up for a second and then Hidan said, "Fucking nice."

Leader rolled his eyes, "Laundry room and kitchen: Tobi and Ino."

Tobi gave Ino a thumbs up.

"Zetsu, you have your greenhouse."

Zetsu nodded.

Leader turned too Mom, who was painting her toe nails, "All I ask of you is to do food check."

She nodded.

He slapped the table, his Chakra spiking, "Now start!"

And they were off.

XXX

After Tobi and Ino had finished the kitchen, they moved to the laundry room.

Ino was looking through the catalog and asked Tobi, "What do you think about Charisma blue?"

No response.

Ino looked up from the catalog, confused.

"Tobi?"

She turned around to where she thought he would be, but was taken by surprised as she was pinned against the wall.

"Charisma Blue sounds fine to me…" Tobi purred into her ear.

Ino turned red and closed her eyes.

Why the hell was Tobi's voice so sexy and deep and so damn mouth watering?

He licked the side of her cheek slowly.

Okay, so besides the fact that she was enjoying this, it was a little disorientating to know that five seconds earlier, Tobi had been a good boy who couldn't tell a bear from a buffalo.

Ino opened her eyes and saw Tobi's mask half off, revealing a half lidded, deep blue eye.

"Ino-chan likes Tobi doesn't she?" He asked slowly, kissing her cheek.

Ino eyed him wearily as he kissed her chin.

"Ino-chan likes Tobi's mask…right?" He leisurely licked across her lips.

She glared at him. Why was he so good at this?

He sucked gently on her bottom lip and said, "Tobi isn't being a bad boy…is he?"

Ino growled. This was not fair. Here she was, succumbing to his inhumanly sexy voice, and there he was. Smirking at her.

But before she could protest about his hotness, he brought a gloved hand up to her cheek and claimed her lips as his own.

Ino brought her arms around his neck and he pressed her harder against the wall.

But just as Ino was getting into it, the door slammed open to reveal a very disheveled Sakura being held by Kisame.

Ino gasped as Kisame also pinned Sakura to a wall and began to maul the pink haired ninja's face.

Tobi took the opportunity to slip his tongue into her mouth.

Ino jumped an inch or two in the air, and Tobi pinned her right leg with his own, invading her personal space even more so than before.

After a minute, they took a breather, and Ino managed a, "You seem to be moving fast" directed at Sakura before Tobi once more licked her lips, making Ino groan.

Sakura managed to speak between the harsh kisses the shark was giving her,

"After being- kiss -in love- kiss – with a boy who took every possible moment to – long pause- tell me I was weak."

A pause.

"This is - kiss – way, way, better!"

Ino laughed as Tobi attacked her neck with open mouthed kisses.

But before things could get interesting, the door slammed open once again.

To reveal Pein and Naruto. Holding Light Sabers.

Leader stared wild-eyed at the two couples and held up his hands, "Oh, no, no, no, no! As Leader, I make a new rule that comes into effect as of now. Only one make-out fest per room. You feel me?"

Tobi slid his mask over his face and released Ino from his strong grip, as did Kisame.

Sakura straightened her shirt, smiled, and looked up.

And screamed.

"Naruto, what the hell did you do to your face!"

Ino blinked and saw that Naruto had 18 new piercings.

And he looked like the spittin' image of Pein.

Pein grumbled and said, "Bah, the power of youth these days."

Ino stared at the two blankly as Tobi and Sakura examined Naruto's face.

Power of youth…

Power of youth.

Power of youth!

"Holy shit, Sakura!"

Sakura, now cranky at Naruto's stupidity, turned to Ino sharply,

"What?"

Ino pointed a shaky finger at Naruto, "Rock Lee…"

And then pointed to Pein, "Maito Gai."

Sakura let go off Naruto's collar, and Naruto fell to the floor.

"Oh. My. Dear. God."

She grabbed the fallen Naruto and threw him out the door, screaming,

"Naruto, I'm giving you a second head start, and you better run like your life in on the line, for all you know it is!"

Sakura ran out the room and Kisame followed after, chuckling.

Tobi also went after yelling, "Naruto-san! Tobi will try to save you…!"

Ino smiled slightly and then turned to Leader.

She grabbed the collar of his cloak and made sure they were eye level.

"Now listen to me. This would mark the second time you've interrupted my time with Tobi."

She brought his face closer to her,

"And there will not be a third time. Do I make myself clear?"

He nodded.

She let go of him and patted his chest.

"Wise decision."

With that, the blonde skipped off.

Leader sighed, wasn't he the one running a criminal organization?

XXX

Hah hah, can't write kissing scenes worth a crap.

So here is a poll for my dear reviewers.

Should Naruto get a pairing, and if yes, who?

Should I keep this nonsense fluff, or should I get a minor plot and then some more mindless fluff?

Just review and say what you think.

Anyway, You guys make me feel so special, I read your reviews and blushed!

And guess what, this is the longest chapter up to date!

I feel special!

Lotsa Love

The Queen of Ramen

Ramenism

UP NEXT!

Tsunade? Love at first sight between leaders?

Sai has a sense of fashion?

And Sasuke gets closer to his goal?