Haphazardly Loved

A Rainbow of Pein

(Fair warning: This chapter comes with a sweet Hidan package…and with Hidan…comes his dirty mouth. Let the fowl language roar.)

Ino did not even bother trying to move Tobi's foot from her face, feeling odd.

XXX Tigers and bears and Flashbacks, Oh my! (Earlier that night)XXX

It was about six pm, and Ino was in the kitchen, eating some goldfish crackers, when Sakura walked in.

After being gone for three hours.

"Sakura…where have you been, with who, and doing what?"

Sakura smiled at her and took a seat next to the blonde.

"Well, after I killed Naruto for getting those piercings, I brought him back to life, and pushed him down the stairs, then healed his broken legs, Kisame and I made out for two hours."

Ino dropped a cracker, "Two hours? Did your lips fall off?"

Sakura smiled smugly, "Hell yeah."

Silence.

"But you were gone for three hours."

Sakura shoved a cracker mercilessly into her mouth, "Well, as much as physical contact is enjoyable, I'm not going to do things of that nature with a man I barely know. So we spent an hour getting to know each other."

Ino waited for her to elaborate, and when she did not, she asked, "So…?"

Sakura almost squealed, "He is just too sexy for words. He doesn't have a family member he's dedicated his life to kill, and he doesn't have ADHD, what more could a girl ask for?"

Ino stared at Sakura dumbly.

She had never realized it, but being teammates with Sasuke and Naruto had screwed Sakura up on so many levels, even Morino Ibiki, that moron from the chuunin exams, probably could not even begin to understand.

It was as if Sakura had developed an inferiority complex as well as a superiority complex that meshed together to make this affectionate homicidal seventeen year old girl named Sakura.

Sakura bounced her way out of the kitchen, humming some odd tune.

Ino laughed to herself when she realized that she seriously didn't know Tobi very well.

XXX End Flashback XXX

Ino's feelings for Tobi were changing, this she could tell, but—

She removed Tobi's foot from her face.

But she couldn't quite put her finger on it, but he wasn't always a good boy.

XXX Sometime after the first flashback XXX

Ino sat next to Tobi in the living room, poked him, and said, "Tobi, we don't know each other very well."

Tobi turned his attention away from the and poked Ino back.

"Nuh-huh. Tobi knows lots of things about Ino-chan."

Ino raised an eyebrow, "Really? Please tell."

Tobi counted them off on his fingers as he said them,

"Well, Ino-chan likes flowers."

"Obviously."

"She also likes pandas."

"…how did you know that?"

"Ino-chan loves soppy romance movies."

"That's a secret!"

"Ino-chan wants a bellybutton piercing."

"I haven't said that to anyone!"

"Not Tobi's fault that Ino-chan talks in her sleep."

"…ah, touché."

Ino gave a defeated sigh, "Still, Tobi, I know nothing about you."

Tobi scratched his head, "Well, Tobi likes orange, frogs, pretzels, swirlies, and Popsicle sticks."

Ino laughed half-heartedly. "Thanks Tobi."

After a moment of silence (awkward on Ino's part), Ino said loudly, "Tobi?"

"Yep, Ino-chan?"

"What's behind your mask?"

"Tobi's face, of course."

"…"

"…?"

"Are you going to show me?"

"No."

"…!"

"…?"

"Never mind." Ino said, defeated.

XXX end XXX

Ino slowly slid her self from under Tobi and sat on his back, staring at the wall blankly.

After several moments, Ino glanced curiously at Tobi.

"What ever is wrong with you can't be that bad…"

Ino grabbed his hand and slid off his glove to reveal tanned skin.

Confused, Ino rolled up his sleeve and gasped.

Tobi had metal plates going up his arm, gradually getting bigger.

Holy crap, Ino thought to herself as she rolled his sleeve down.

After a moment of hesitation, Ino reached for Tobi's mask.

However, before she could take it off, Tobi's hand flung out and almost broke Ino's wrist when it made contact.

Consequently, Tobi hit Ino's wrist in such a way that it smacked her in the face.

More specifically, her eye.

Ino bit her lip in an attempt to suppress a howl and ran out of the bedroom.

She stopped in the hallway and slid to the floor, breathing hard.

"Okay, Yamanaka, lets recap."

She breathed deeply.

"Scenario one: That stuff that Zetsu burns around the house isn't as innocent as it looks."

Another deep breath.

"Scenario two: You just tried to take off Tobi's mask and he totally owned you."

Ino sighed.

She massaged her wrist and began to laugh softly.

"Yamanaka, get it together. Tobi just about snapped your wrist in his sleep. It would have been worse if he was awake."

Ino sighed shakily, and was about talk her self out a panic attack when she almost screamed, hearing someone groan next to her.

She looked to her left and saw Naruto a couple feet away from her, lying on the ground.

"Naruto?"

He rubbed his head and sat up, "Jeeze…"

Ino raised an eyebrow, "Naruto, do you have a hangover?"

He stretched his legs and smiled sheepishly, "Nah, I just passed out."

"Why would you pass out?"

"Well, you see, Dad-Pein said that my-holy fuck, Ino, what happened to your eye!"

Ino jumped, "W-what?"

Naruto laughed, "Looks like you got a punch to the face!"

Ino blushed, "Uh…I tripped and hit a doorknob."

"…?"

"…"

"I'll just pretend I believe that."

Ino crossed her arms, "Well, so what. You never told me why you fainted."

"Don't say fainted, that sounds girly!"

"Just get on with the story!"

"Right. Well…"

XXX Flashback! XXXX

Pein and Naruto were walking down the hallway when Pein said,

"You know, when I was a genin, we went to Konoha frequently."

Naruto looked up at him, "Really?"

"You bet. It was fun to, your mother, Uzumaki Kushina, and I caused a whole hell of trouble for the Konoha Elders."

Naruto began to hyperventilate, "You knew my m-mother?"

Leader laughed, "Knew her? She was my best friend! And your father, Namikaze Minato, who would later become the 4th Hokage; he and I were best friends growing up too!"

Pein laughed harder until he heard a dull thud echo throughout the hallway.

He looked around and saw Naruto sprawled on the floor.

He shrugged his shoulders and said to himself, "I suppose I shouldn't have revealed that in such a…hn…casual way."

With that, he walked to his room, humming.

XXX End XXX

"Your dad was the 4th Hokage?"

Naruto puffed out his chest, "Hell yeah, respect it!"

Ino punched him in the arm, "Don't get cocky. Remember when you defeated Kiba by farting?"

Naruto deflated.

Ino was about to say something witty when her stomach growled loudly.

Naruto's stomach soon followed suit.

Ino stood up, "Well, I say we should take a trip to the kitchen and eat breakfast."

Naruto nodded, "I want Ramen."

Ino laughed.

XXX

As they walked in, Ino laughing, Naruto's stomach growling, they both stopped.

And choked on their spit.

"T-T-T-Tsunade?"

Tsunade, who was sitting at the kitchen table, smirking slightly, said, "Naruto, Ino..." She dropped her smirk, "Ino…your face…"

"I know. Trust me, I know."

A moment's silence.

Tsunade sighed and patted next to her, gesturing to them to sit.

They complied, and Ino asked shakily, "Why are you here?"

Tsunade sobered and said, "I have extremely important news."

Ino and Naruto leaned in closer.

"Naruto, Ino, you two were separated at birth."

Naruto's eyes widened and he slumped to the floor, clearly unconscious.

Tsunade giggled and said, "Nah. Just kidding."

Ino, who about had a heart attack, because secretly, she thought that being related to the 4th Hokage would be awesome, gave Tsunade a look.

"Why are you here then?"

Tsunade smirked, "Bored with work."

Ino was about to say something when Mom, Sakura, and Pein walked in, Sakura wanting Coke and Captain crunch, Konan wanting some toast, and Pein lost his sock and was looking for it.

"Tsunade!" Sakura yelled, "Ino…your face."

All three of the new comers stared at her for a moment.

Mom pulled out a sucker from her pocket, "Wuzzup."

Ino looked at Tsunade, who had an odd look on her face.

Tsunade then smiled at Mom, "Konan, sweetie, how have you been? I haven't seen you since Jiraiya was training you."

Sakura looked alarmingly at Ino and mouthed, "Didn't we have a Konan in Ninja academy?"

Ino nodded and mouthed back, "But Konan was a boy. And he choked on a pickle and died two years ago."

Mom looked lazily at Tsunade, "Been good."

Tsunade made a face, "Haven't seen you in over twenty years and all you have to say is 'been good'?"

Mom shrugged her off and began raiding fridge, no longer willing to be part of the conversation.

Tsunade eyed Pein, who blushed.

Sakura and Ino looked at each other, and Konan peeked over the fridge's door, a surprised look on her face, but she winked at the two girls nonetheless.

Tsunade straightened her shirt, going pink, "So, uh, you must be…?"

Pein, still blushing madly, said, "Pein, the Leader of the Akatsuki."

Tsunade blushed herself, "And I'm Tsunade…Konoha's Hokage…"

Sakura, who was standing behind Pein, pretended to gag, and Ino nodded in agreement.

There was nothing like a twenty-year-old man and a fifty-year-old woman flirting like crazy.

Konan, who only seemed like she was rummaging in the fridge, actually had a piece of paper pressed against the milk jug; a pencil placed in her hand, and was plotting.

Pein had not been on a date in what seemed like years.

In addition, as the mom, she took it upon herself to make sure all of her men were happy.

So far, Tobi and Kisame seemed to be the only ones who had met Mom's standards of happiness.

Mom slammed the door shut and looked at the two flirters.

"Tsunade, may I show you to your room?"

Tsunade nodded, and then waved shyly at Pein, and followed Mom out of the kitchen.

After she left, Pein draped himself over a chair pathetically.

"I bet she thinks I'm weird looking…"

"…come on Leader, I'm sure she thinks you're good looking." Ino said reassuringly.

Pein groaned.

Sakura sat on the kitchen counter, smirking, "You know, Tsunade once told me that she thought men with power were sexy. You may have a chance."

Pein perked up.

Sakura winked at Ino, who caught on and said rather loudly,

"Oh yeah! She says she loved red-headed men in uniform…"

"And she just digs piercings!"

By this time, Pein was sitting upright and staring at the two of them intently.

"Do you two really think…do you think she liked me?"

Sakura jumped off the counter and punched the air, "Of course!"

Pein giggled and said, "Well gee, I sure hope so."

Sakura slapped Pein.

"The hell?" Pein said as rubbed his cheek.

"Don't ever say "well gee" ever again. It's lame."

Ino nodded solemnly. "You have standards of coolness to keep up."

Mumbling about teenaged girls slapping him around, Pein looked at his watch, "Crap. Two people should have been killed by now."

He waved at them cheerfully and pranced over Naruto and out of the room, ecstatic.

Sakura put her hands on her hips and looked at Ino in awe, "Now there's a man who loves his job.

Ino grimaced.

XXX

Ino walked into the living room after a healthy crap. Well actually, she was in the bathroom with Sakura, who had healed her face. But if anyone asked, she took a crap, damn it!

She was going to go find Tobi when she saw Itachi, Naruto (Who had fully recovered from his two lapses after three bowls of ramen), and Hidan staring out the window.

Intently. This surprised Ino because Naruto had the attention span of a fly.

Well, scratch that, both boys had their faces plastered to the window. Itachi had his face a couple of inches from the window, looking slightly curious.

Ino was about to ask them what was going on when Kakuzu appeared beside her.

He was holding a mass of delicate, intricate, white colored fabric.

"What...?" they both asked at the same time.

Kakuzu cleared his throat, "Uh, in my spare time I sow. Intricate dresses, doilies, socks…body parts…you know, the usual."

Ino did not know what to say to that, but before either of them could confront the boys at the window, something happened.

Suddenly, Itachi, Hidan, and Naruto's eyes widened slightly.

Kakuzu and Ino looked at each other. Then the men (plus a boy) spoke quietly to themselves, seemingly awed.

"The fuck?"

"…"

"Like, woah."

All three leaned back for a moment, but then rammed their faces into the window again in morbid fascination.

After a couple of minutes Hidan and Naruto pulled their faces off the window with a sick 'plop'.

"What's going on?" Ino asked timidly, suddenly frightened by the looks in Naruto's and Hidan's eyes.

Itachi looked at Ino, nodded to her in a welcome, and then said simply.

"Some girl just tried to get married in our backyard."

And all of a sudden, chaos erupted from Hidan and Naruto.

"Holy fuck, there was like this heathen bride-girl and—

"And there was this dude in a boring looking tux—

"And then this fucking asswipe of a priest hung his ugly ass jacket on one of—

"That weird plant man's tree-limb-Venus-trap-broccoli thingies and he—

"Was fucking bald!"

"And then the bride-chick and groom-dude were, like, making out—

"Bald, I fucking tell ya!"

"And then, like, there was this weird noise thingy—

"And sure as hell, this bear—

"This huge bear came outta the forest like a rocket—

"I swear to Jashin, that sick-fuck was on steroids and—

"It ate the priest"

"And that sonuva bitch just swallowed the dumbfuck and—

"And then the groom—

"And that mofo-groom-fucker went all ape shit on the girl for no god dammed reason—

"The girl started bawling and that bear-beast--

"That sick-fuck just looked at the mofo and was all like "Ima get your bitch ass self—

"It bit the dude's head off!"

"And the horny bastard just wobbled around without a head like a chicken—

"And then the bride fell down, and passed out!"

"Then that fuck-for-brains bear burped up a toupee and walked outta our fuckin' backyard like it didn't just ruin wedding."

Naruto nodded and looked at Hidan, "Like, totally."

Kakuzu and Ino stood in an unnamable silence.

Kakuzu grabbed his chest, "Too much ADD. Think I just had a heart attack."

Ino's mouth hung open slightly, "What?" She asked smartly.

Itachi raised an eyebrow,

"Woman and man and priest were standing in out backyard. Bear comes out of nowhere, eats priest and head of groom. Wife-woman is now currently on the ground wailing…"

Itachi trailed off and he focused on the window once more.

Now not, only were Naruto, Itachi, and Hidan were practically on the window, Ino and Kakuzu now joined them.

Zetsu, who had been vegetating while this whole ordeal happened, slowly opened his Venus flytrap, looked at the bodies briefly, and curiously looked at the coat hanging off him.

He seemed to call out to someone.

From the greenhouse emerged Tobi, dressed in a bright orange apron, holding a hose.

They watched as Zetsu gestured toward the bodies, and Tobi nodded vigorously.

Zetsu pointed at the wife's body and Tobi looked confused for a second.

However, a second later, a stream of pleasant water jutted out of the hose and landed on the wife, who rolled over, shaking, indicating that she was in fact, alive.

Zetsu gestured to Tobi once more, and then to the body.

Tobi fiddled with his hose before he let water come out of the hose.

Except this time, the water pressure was ridiculously high.

When the water hit the headless body of the groom, it sent the body flying a couple feet.

Tobi then walked closer, still letting water out, 'pushing' the body closer and closer to a…ditch.

Where it promptly rolled down the hill and landed in a sludge puddle.

Ino did not know what to say.

The weirdest thing she had ever seen just happened within a minute.

They watched as Zetsu half carried, half drug the weeping wife-woman into the house.

XXX

They, being every occupant in the "lair" (A giant rock with a hole in it), save Tsunade, who was out getting drunk, sat in the living room, staring at the passed out woman laying on the coffee table.

"What was with that bear, anyway?" Sakura asked, breaking the silence.

"A pet gone bad." Pein said morosely. "His name was King Pillow puff. He was a polar bear that I stole from a zoo.

Silence.

Then a piercing scream erupted from the room.

"The fuck?"

"That hurt my ears, un."

"Tobi is glad he wears a cloth over his."

The wife-woman sat up and looked at them all, totally lost and totally freaked.

Suddenly Naruto jumped up, "You're that lady from the ramen shop!"

The girl stopped hyperventilating enough to recognize the blond blunder.

"N-Naruto-kun?"

"Yes Ramen-girl?"

"I just lost my husband."

Silence.

Then Naruto came up with a great idea, "I know! We can get you married again."

"Uh-what?" Ramen girl said, beginning to hyperventilate again.

He turned to Hidan, "You can be the priest dude.

He turned to Pein, "You can be that dude who walks her down the isle."

Konan, who didn't look up from her magazine, said with a sucker in her mouth, "I'll take care of the cake and food."

Kakuzu looked at the fabric still in his hand, "I can make the dress."

Tobi jumped up and down, "Tobi can be the flower girl!"

Ino made a weird loving-grimace face. Itachi noticed this, but said nothing.

Kakuzu looked at the swirled man, "I can make two dresses."

Naruto grinned and pointed at Kisame, "You take care of the guests and music…Zetsu you can do landscaping while Deidara makes art for the wedding…"

Everyone excited, they made their way out of the room, Kakuzu kidnapping the soon-to-be-bride-again for measurements.

All that left was Sakura, Ino and Itachi.

"What are we going to do…?" Sakura asked no one in particular.

Itachi leaned back and then crossed his legs dramatically,

"We man-hunt."

Ino and Sakura looked at each other, "Man-hunt?"

Itachi pulled out his shades from his pocket and said coolly,

"Let's do this shit."

XXX

Ino and Sakura found themselves in the middle of a busy street, man-hunting with Itachi.

"That one?"

"No."

"…"

"…that one with the big butt?"

"…"

"What about…him?"

"…good god, who was that creature's mother?"

"Itachi!"

"It's not like I'm lying or anything."

"…true."

"..Hey-hey-hey, Ino, Itachi!"

"Billboard brow, Lee's eyebrows are huge!

"No, Lee—

"I'm sorry Sakura-san, but hell no…the one next to him…"

"Don't be mean to Lee-san."

"That's Neji. Hyuuga Neji. Sakura, do something!"

"What are you talking about Ino?"

"What difference does it make that he is a Hyuuga."

"I think he's gay! With Rock Lee."

"That was kinda random."

"Itachi?"

"Yes."

"Are we going to have to kidnap him?"

"…"

XXX

"I'll take a chocolate chip cookie…" Karin said to Sasuke.

They were currently in a Starbucks in Konoha, and they were staying at a Hampton Inn. You know, those hotels that cost five hundred dollars a minute.

Well, Sasuke was not going to take that crap, so the manager was currently being held hostage in his bedroom, in a drawer to be more exact, and they were staying free.

Anyway, Sasuke left to place their orders, and seriously quench his caffeine addiction.

Karin looked out the window, bored of listening to Suigetsu talk about this weird blue-skinned uncle who was in some criminal organization that used to be a professional hockey player, and saw these people across the street pointing at people randomly.

There were two girls, one pink haired and one blonde-haired woman, and a man, who looked exactly like Sasuke…

Karin tugged at Suigetsu's arm, "Hey, look…is that Uchiha Itachi?"

Suigetsu sneered, "What—

They watched in silence as the three stalked closer to this boy with a very pretty face.

As the two girls flirted with him, the Sasuke look alike took a bat and hit the pretty boy over the head with it. The three of them took the unconscious body, stuffed it in a backpack, and almost ran as they escaped the street.

"What are you two staring at?" Sasuke had come back, holding three coffees for him, a cookie, an extra large water, and a muffie (A cookie/muffin).

Suigetsu and Karin looked at each other, "Nothing."

XXX

Itachi walked into the lair, Hyuuga Neji currently shoved into the backpack he was wearing, unconscious.

Naruto, who had a pencil behind his ear, was sitting on the living room couch next to the Ramen girl, who seemed rather comfortable.

She was wearing pajamas and had a bucket of chocolate fudge next her, eating it as the TV continued to decay her brain.

"Ah! Did you have any luck with the man-hunting?" Naruto asked as he stood up.

"We totally scored!" Sakura said excited. She took the backpack from Itachi and set the bag down on the couch. As she opened the bag, they all gathered round.

"Woah, perfect choice!" Naruto nodded in approval. "Ramen girl?"

Said girl looked at Neji and shrugged, "Whatever."

Naruto clapped his hands and then pulled a clipboard from outta nowhere.

"Now listen up. Konan's got the cake and food made, Itachi, Kisame needs you for something, girls, including you, Ramen girl, need to go see Kakuzu for dresses…Zetsu's got the back set up, Pein is shaving his face as we speak…Tobi's picking flowers…so, we should be set for the wedding in a couple of minutes…"

Neji groaned.

Naruto glanced at Neji and said to Itachi, "And if you'll please go Mangekyou on his pale ass, I'd appreciate it…he always walks around like he's got a stick shoved up his…anyway, Neji probably won't be happy…so, Ino, be prepared to do that mind body switch thing…"

Naruto walked off mumbling before he even finished telling them what to do.

The rest of the occupants rolled their eyes and went off to their respective place.

XXX

The sun was setting, and a small wedding was about to take place.

The backyard was transformed into beautiful landscape, tress everywhere, grass a healthy color, and orange flowers grew off every plant. Random clay birds were strewn across the grass and even a couple of Egyptian pyramids here and there.

Everything would have been serene if a sharp, twisted noise hadn't cut through the peace.

"What the hell Itachi? I told you not to play yet!"

"It's not my fault the some nitwit has the volume up to a bazillion decibels, Kisame."

Well, you see, the Akatsuki didn't own any instruments, and the closest thing they had to an instrument was a video game called Guitar Hero. Basically, you had a plastic guitar with five fret keys, and a whammy bar. The controller connects to your game system and you push the buttons down for a different note.

Kisame, out of desperation, dragged out their PS2 and connected two guitars to the system and had a white screen behind the make shift alter (It was the outer part of a door that they painted orange).

Naruto was sitting in the audience, next to a giant elephant stuffed animal.

Itachi was wearing a black velvet suit, and still had his shades on, standing their, pissed off because he was missing his favorite show, Fashionably Late with Stacy London, as seen on TLC.

Hidan was at the other guitar, wearing Priest robes, but the giant cross on the front of it was scratched out in a blue Sharpie, and a giant circle with an upside down triangle in it was drawn over the blue with black.

Konan pushed out a cart with an unbelievably huge cake on it that was orange, with red swirls just as the ceremony began.

Neji walked out in a tuxedo, face pale. He paled even more as Itachi lowered his shades and mouthed, "Don't make me go ape shit on you one more time."

Neji gulped.

Naruto gave a thumbs up and Sakura, Ino, and a wonderfully drunk Tsunade walked down the isle.

Itachi and Hidan fought over what song to play, and the girls were half way down the isle when they finally picked a song.

Within a couple of seconds, Hidan and Itachi began to wail on a rock song, each totally getting into it, Hidan grinning like a fool and Itachi living up to his "sex on legs" claim.

Pein walked out of the house, the Ramen girl walking next to him. Pein smiled slightly, he was beginning to dig this whole "daddy" thing.

Tobi pranced down the isle shortly after them, wearing a spaghetti strap, orange, mini dress over his pants and long sleeved shirt. He looked ridiculous, Ino noted, a sad look on her face. But cute.

Tobi waved at Ino.

Very cute indeed.

Itachi watched in interest as Ino's face went through many unhappy expressions.

There's that weird face again.

When the bride was properly delivered to her spot, Hidan put down his guitar, flipped Itachi off, and took his place at the alter.

Kisame turned the volume down and Itachi played a less…obnoxious song.

Hidan cleared his throat, opening his Jashin Bible.

"Well…Hey fucktards, what's up."

He leafed threw the book, frowning slightly,

"We are here today to get the woman married to a semi-respectable man."

He shuffled his feet.

"The hell with this shit."

His facial features screwed into an annoyed face,

"Today we are fucking gathered here to waste time. I'm s'posed to spew random shit about trust and love and baking cookies. Well, hell no. Marriage life ain't fuckin grand."

He poked the bride.

"Ramen bitch, he's not gonna treat you right, make you cook him fucking dinner, complain about shit he doesn't really care the fuck about, invite his asswad friends over, get piss faced drunk, and you aren't gonna get a fucking 'thank you' ever."

"And you", Hidan basically growled, poking the already freaked out Neji,

"Fuck you. Just fuck you. Cuz damn sure, she ain't gonna do it. She's gonna nag and fucking nag till you get off your ass. And she's gonna fuckin' expect that you're going to talk about your shit-faced feelings. Sappy son of bitches."

Hidan glared into the audience, "Any one opposed to these fuckers getting married."

Silence.

"Good. I now pronounce you disgusting mother fuckers husband and wife."

He looked expectantly between them.

"Ya'll can fuckin' suck face."

Neither of them moved.

"Fuck." Hidan growled and put his right hand behind the bride's head, his left behind the groom, and shoved their faces together.

With the deed done, he stomped towards his guitar, and wailed with Itachi, their mad skills too awesome for words.

Naruto looked to his right and saw Kakuzu, "…what was that?"

Kakuzu sighed, "Hidan is just pissed because he doesn't have any clean underwear."

Naruto nodded, knowing that exact feeling.

XXX

After Pein had delivered the newly weds to their new apartment, which was paid in full by Naruto, who had generously traded in all of his ramen coupons in for cash. The amount of money given to him was pretty substantial, so he bought them an apartment, and bought himself

a giant banana.

No one really knows exactly why he bought himself a banana, but when you live in a giant rock, anything can happen.

Anyway, the house was pretty quiet; Itachi and Kisame were watching Fashionably Late with Stacy London, totally absorbed into the show. Kakuzu was on the love seat sowing a doily, and Zetsu was vegetating next to the window, soaking in some moonlight.

Deidara was sitting at the coffee able, making clay nothings, his left hand eating a poptart, and Naruto was sitting on his giant banana, playing a PSP, also keeping an eye on the TV.

Ino and Sakura were walking out of the their bedroom,

"So anyway, I was like, Sasuke may be gay but…" Sakura trailed off as they entered the kitchen.

Konan was sitting on the counter, sucking on a sucker, watching the two occupants at the table in morbid fascination.

Sakura and Ino stared in horror.

Tsunade and Pein were sitting close together, staring at each other dreamily.

"I like the way your piercings bring out the rings in your eyes."

"And I like the way your hair drapes over your shoulders."

"And I like how you're a man with power."

"And I like they way your lips move."

Sakura and Ino ran to Konan,

"What the..?"

Konan looked at the two of them briefly,

"They've been doing this for a long time."

The two younger girls watched in horror as the two leaders began to make out.

"Well, Sakura and I are going to leave…you coming with?" Ino asked Konan.

Konan shook her head, "You go ahead. This is just further helping my Opperation: Get Pein a Woman."

Ino and Sakura looked at each other.

"Right…well, we'll be out there somewhere…" Sakura trailed off, gesturing to the doorway.

Konan nodded, barely glancing at them.

XXX

When The two girls arrived in the living room, Sakura went and plopped next to Kisame, who merely gave a manly grunt in acknowledgement.

Ino smiled slightly before she frowned.

Itachi who had been staring at her, asked, "Something wrong, Ino-san?"

She bit her lip, "Have you seen Tobi?"

Itachi had a weird look on his face, and was about to say something when Ino gasped loudly. He craned his neck to the doorway, and almost gasped. Almost.

(Because apparently, in the realm of logic, metaphysics, and the laws of nature, an Uchiha gasping went against all of those principles.)

There, in the doorway, the lighting seeming more dramatic than usual, stood
Hidan.

Dressed in nothing but lavender, knee-length skirt, that in all honesty, looked downright fabulous on him.

"Hey fuckers…how's it hanging?"

Kisame frowned, "Dude."

Hidan flipped the shark off, "Hey, it's not my fault I ran out of underwear!"

Kakuzu, who didn't even bother looking at his partner asked, "What does that have to do with you wearing a skirt?"

Hidan huffed angrily, annoyed that his scythe was in another room.

"Well I tried wearing my pants, but the chaffing is fucking unbelievable!"

Deidara rolled his eyes and Naruto laughed, the realness of this situation sinking into him.

In front of him, with his own eyes, he saw some of the most dangerous men alive, acting on the same maturity level as he.

"Don't be giving him crap, look at yourselves! You guys aren't exactly the most excellent rep for manhood!"

Said males turned slightly pink, because hell just froze over.

Naruto was right.

Deidara was wearing his "I heart Chicken" t-shirt, and really short, shorts, tan lines visible from were his usual Capri-ninja-pants normally rode. Itachi, who's hair hadn't quite recovered, had said hair put back by a girly looking headband with beads on it. And, if that wasn't enough, he was wearing the fluffiest bathrobe, and it was the most obnoxious neon green. And the matching slippers.

When Naruto pointed this out, Itachi simply stated that it had been gift from Pein, and that said, it was comfy.

Kisame was wearing a pink shirt that said 'jaws' in big yellow letters and a large pair of khaki cargo pants, and to top it off, a pair of yellow flip-flops.

Kakuzu, who at this point wasn't paying any attention to the morons around him, deftly ignoring them, didn't help their cause any.

First off, the tall, well built man was sowing a doily. Secondly, he was wearing Pokemon slippers. Thirdly, he was wearing a 'night dress'. And somehow, to Naruto, it was just a dress.

Zetsu, who surprisingly had subtracted his Venus fly trap thing, looked semi normal.

And really hot.

But, and with the men in Akatsuki, their always was a but, he was wearing a tie-dye T-shirt, with purple sweat pants.

Hidan had taken a seat by Kakuzu by this time, a little furious at how the runt was judging them.

"All in all boys, you are the most unmanliest group of manly men I have ever met. And not only are you unmanly, but you have no concept of color. I'm surprised none of you are color blind (To this Zetsu made an indignant squawk, because he was, in fact, color blind to a degree)."

With that, the blonde blunder turned his attention back to his video game and tuned them out.

After a moment of silence, the room began to murmur with talking once more, Kakuzu and Hidan bickering (Because Hidan wouldn't stop obscenely scratching his thunder down under, if you catch my drift) , Deidara 'un'-ing every now and again. Kisame and Sakura were making out, and Zetsu fell asleep.

Ino smiled and left the room, off to do laundry. Only god knows how long the world could take having Hidan in a skirt.

XXX

Ino sighed and folded Naruto's bright orange shirts slowly.

"Ahem…" A voice said from behind her.

Ino looked at the doorway, "Oh, Itachi. What's up?"

Itachi, still clad in all his neon green glory, sat next her and took a shirt to fold.

"What's wrong."

"Uh, what do you mean?"

Itachi adjusted his headband, "From what I can deduce, you are feeling some type of "ill" feelings toward Tobi."

Ino looked at him, air quoting, "Ill feelings…?"

He nodded, "Some type of…doubt."

Silence.

"I'm in love with Tobi."

Itachi raised a finely primped eyebrow.

Ino turned pink.

"Well, er, uh, yeah."

"I do not understand the problem, Ino."

"Well, uh, you see, Tobi's sweet and all, and he's funny, and cute, and all that."

"And?"

"And I don't know if he feels the same."

"And why wouldn't he?"

"It feels like there is this whole other side of him that he's hiding."

Itachi stiffened, but this didn't get passed Ino.

"I'm right aren't I."

Not a question. A statement.

And Itachi then said, with sincere honesty, "I'm not sure how right you are."

Itachi then patted her shoulder, "But since we have nothing better to do, in our Akatsuki meetings, we debate about your relationship when Tobi's out of the room. Which is quite frequent actually, that boy's bladder is weak. Anyway, we think that Tobi likes you more than he lets on."

If that same sentence had come from, well, lets say Deidara, Ino would have beat his ass.

Ino hugged Itachi, who awkwardly patted her back.

But this was Itachi, who had absolutely no tact, so it was ok.

XXX

Ino laid on her bed, fighting the onset of depression, the lights off.

She heard a loud knock on the door, "Come in, its open."

"Ino-chan! Tobi wanted to see if…" Tobi trailed off, seeing the darkness.

"Ino-chan?" Tobi asked quietly.

"Yes, Tobi."

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, Tobi."

"…do you want to come watch a movie with Tobi and the others?"

"Maybe, Tobi."

Tobi frowned under his mask. What was wrong with her? She sounded so dead.

"…Ino-chan…"

Ino thought about what Itachi said.

He likes you more than he lets on.

After a pregnant pause, Ino finally said,

"Tobi, I'll come with you. I must of ate something funny."

Tobi's frown deepened.

Despite himself, Tobi nodded, not believing her. But she would tell him sooner or later.

Tobi watched as Ino stared at the ceiling, as still as stone.

Right?

Ino sat up and smiled at him, "Come on Tobi!"

"R-right!" Tobi said, before an idea struck him.

Faster than you could say, "Tobi is a good boy", Tobi scooped up Ino and charged down the hallway, laughing.

"Tobi! What are you…ah—AHHHHHHH!!" Ino screamed and laughed at the same time as Tobi ran into walls.

XXX

As Tobi ran into the living room, he tripped on Naruto's giant banana…And sent Ino flying.

Naruto stood up from his spot on the floor to see if his banana was alright.

Itachi watched in slow motion from his recliner as Ino did a couple of flips in the air and the scared faces of Pein (who had his arm around Tsunade on the other side of him), Zetsu, and Deidara as Ino landed on them with a 'thud'.

Sakura who was leaning on Kisame on the love seat, almost screamed,

"OhmygodIno!"

Ino rolled over in the laps of the men who had softening her fall, "Er, hey, thanks."

Pein made a surprised face, "Are you okay?"

Ino sat up, excusing herself for violating them by accident.

"I'm fine."

Ino 'eeped' as Tobi lifted her off the couch and sat her on the floor, plopping himself next to her.

Ino snuggled into Tobi's orange sweater and sighed, she was feeling better, but the fact of the matter still remained.

Good boy Tobi.

Bad-ass Tobi.

Her thoughts were interrupted when a strangled yelp came from the smaller couch opposite of Kisame and Sakura.

"Fucker! Watch the hair."

Ino looked over Tobi and saw that Kakuzu was sowing Hidan's head on.

What happened…?" Ino asked.

Hidan's head replied, "I told Tsunade that her boobs were sagging. And she ripped my fucking head off. Literally."

"Shut up kiddies. I'm about to start the movie."

Pein growled and held the remote up.

Sakura and Hidan glared at each other momentarily.

Pein pushed play and Everybody's hair flew back as the surround sound system turned on.

They watched as the movie started.

"I am the boy who lived!"

"Shut up Potter, no one cares…and for heaven sakes, put that away."

…

"Voldemort…last time I checked, the scar was on the boy's forehead…not, well…"

…

"Harry Potter, 50 points from Gryffindor, nobody wants to see your Willis and Doodle berries."

"Aww…you know you want to."

"No. And stop doing that ridiculous pelvic movement and put your pants on now."

…

Wow Hermione, what big teeth you have."

…

"Does any one want to see my—

"Harry, Pants, now."

…

The group stared in horror.

"Pein…I thought you stole Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix…"

Pein looked at the case, " I did!" He read aloud, "Harry Potter and the girls from….Ewe."

Hidan spoke up, "Let's watch Lord of the Rings."

The group murmured in agreement, "Rings rock."

So the got situated again, though still mentally disturbed, but somewhat healthy.

Sort of.

It was enjoyable for the first hour before…

"Where did the remote go…" Pein said to himself.

"Bitch, I bet you took it Sakura!"

"You bet I did, cretin!"

The others in the room sighed, and made their way to their bedroom, Kisame hauling Sakura off, and Kakuzu just pulled the thread from Hidan's neck and watched in victory as it rolled to the floor, cussing.

And life was good.

End of Chapter Five.

Here, my friends, is a 26 page long apology for being so late. You like?

I hope you do, cuz I've thrown in a special somtin' somtin' cuz ya'll are so special.

What's up with the Konoha people?

XXX

Kakashi typed in delight and watched the screen load.

"Yes!" he screamed out, overjoyed.

"Harry Potter Spells Tactic-Tactics Ultimatum # Three Version Two XXXXX comes out on Tuesday!"

XXX

Anko stopped trying to molest Morino Ibiki long enough to say, "Oh. My. God. Hell has frozen over.

Morino Ibiki nodded.

Maito Gai was walking down the street…in normal clothes.

Anko said to herself, "I didn't know he could take it off, I was convinced that he was born with it on."

XXX

Jiraiya looked at the old frog suspiciously as he took a drink of the Elixir of Life.

XXX

"Neji!"

"What? I'm brushing my hair, and then I'm going out to buy shoes, what do you want woman?"

"Don't you talk to me like that young man! You're not going to the movies next Saturday, you hear me!"

Neji ran into his room screaming, "Oh my god, you're such a fun-sucker! I can't believe I'm related to you, no one understands me!"

With that, he slammed the door.

Neji's mom turned back to Tenten, "I'm sorry dear, Neji is busy right now."

Tenten looked at her like she was crazy, "Er, right."

XXX

Shizune walked into her apartment screaming. Blood was everywhere and there was a giant circle with a triangle in it on her floor.

She picked up the note on her bed.

"Dear Fucker,

Couldn't find a fucking virgin girl, so I sacrificed your cat.

Sucks to be you

Jashinluver111one1!!

XXX

Iruka sighed peacefully as he cooked in a sun tan booth.

Pft.

You thought that tan was natural, did you?

XXX

Shikamaru cursed as a bird flew over where he was resting and shit on his head.

XXX

Kiba looked at Shino weirdly, arriving back from their mission.

"Was it really necessary to shove bugs up that guy's ass?"

XXX

"Asuma died?" Kurenai said, her breathing hastened. "How?"

Shikamaru sighed, "He was smoking and lit his beard on fire."

Kurenai gasped, "You mean the man who was on fire at the plaza that I laughed at was Asuma?"

XXX

"What the hell are we doing in a book store on poetry night?" Suigetsu growled to Karin.

The three of them looked at the stage as Sasuke walked on.

" I wrote a poem about my brother."

He cleared his throat.

"Die. Die, Die DIE!"

"The fire of my hatred…and the blade of your death…

"Die. Die. DIEEEEE!"

Karin sighed, "This is gonna be a long night.

People in the audience began to cry and cheer.

XXX

Chouji gasped as he got stuck between the small passage way's walls, suspended by his fat.

XXX

And that, my friends, is the normal stuff that happens while this story is going on.

I hope you liked it and…oh. Most times, The Akatsuki spend their evenings watching movies…Any movie suggestions?

Lotsa Love

The Queen of Ramen

Ramenism

NEXT::

Tsunade moves in with Pein??

Tobi takes his mask off?

The new decorations come in?

Team Hebi gets even closer??

Hidan decides that he really likes skirts and runs into Hinata at the store?

Sai has a sense of style AND a new puppy?

Why the hell is Kakuzu sowing doilies?

Rock Lee gets his eyebrows trimmed??

And Kyuubi decides that Naruto isn't getting enough Vitamin C.

Gaara of the Phunk? Here? In the lair?

The origins of the infamous butt-bow?

The hell? Tobi and Naruto can crunk dance?

And more importantly…

Who exactly is watching over Konoha as Tsunade gets freaky with Pein?

Read about in chapter Six:

Can you spot the homosexual? My gaydar is tingling.