Disclaimer: I do not own Trinity Blood or its characters.

Thanks for all the reviews and calls. This is not running with anime storyline though there will be references to incident in the anime and references to RCO members from the manga and novel. The rating may up due to shameless innuendos, bad language and blasphemy(?) Any blasphemous views on the Church reflected in this parody are not mine, honest.

By the way, I have received constructive critique on the call-ins from reviewers. You will no longer be anonymous. Your name will appear in this ficcie. Isn't that great?

RCO Radio Hour

Session 3

Dietrich: Good evening folks. Welcome to RCO… Reiz, what are you doing here? Aren't you hanging with Isaak… What's this? A song request? (Takes piece of paper from Guderian and reads) I do not appreciate being referred to as a rabid dog. I will teach you the differences between being mauled by a wolf and a dog now, you filthy Terran… (Sounds of growling in background…) Reiz, old chap, let's not be too… ARGH! (Sounds of snapping and mauling with bloodcurdling screams) Isaak! Call him off! Argh!

Isaak: Sic him. (lights a cigarette)

Dietrich: Isaak! I'll get you for this! (Scrambles out with a werewolf in hot pursuit…)

Isaak: Good evening, listeners. First, I must present the week's news. The airship Tristan was hijacked en route from Londinium to Rome by a lone madman on Sunday. The incident was resolved in the typical Vatican manner of calling out their Inquisition guards. I need not add that almost all passengers and crew were killed during the bungled rescue attempt. Next bit of news, 10 Methuselahs were found massacred in the city of Florence on Wednesday. An additional 15 were found massacred in the same city on Thursday night. The Vatican was commandeered the investigation into both massacres. Both incidents are believed to be unrelated. One more bit of news: Inquisition forces raided an abandoned radio station in Berlin on Friday. They were fairly surprised to find it deserted and their intelligence lacking. (Smirk) Now for the weather report. Heavy fog expected in Istvan…. (Phone rings) I did not ask for you to call in yet. Ah well, since I am feeling a little charitable… Hello, you are on the air.

Radu Barvon: Er, I have major issues with the way things are run at my workplace. I have been passed over for promotion again! It is the seventh time already, all because my grandma isn't head of the department and my uncle isn't deputy head. That young chit of a novice from the academy got a big job because her uncle pulled strings! I am way sick of this! I feel my unique talents are being wasted in a dead end job. Should I go on strike or something?

Isaak: Pray tell, what unique abilities do you have?

Radu Barvon: Well, I am a Methuselah. I have been employed in security and diplomatic fields. I have working experience in the Middle East. I can generate flames in my palms and throw fireballs accurately. Should I flambé the HR manager for a promotion?

Isaak: Well, well… I think we in RCO may be able to use a talent like you…. Listeners, please enjoy a bit of Bach while I speak with our caller. We may have a new DJ to replace Dietrich shortly. (Strains of Bach while Isaak and Radu go off air to discuss other details on admission to RCO) Sorry for the musical interlude. I hope you enjoyed it. Next call please.

Cow13242: Hey, how are you. Um...I'm just wondering...if you and everyone else from the RCO destroy the world or take over it, what would you do afterwards? Cause, you can't just take over or destroy the world and not do anything else. If you can't answer, can Cain answer? Cause you know, he's your leader, and he should know these things...well if he can't answer that, can Issak answer if he's there, or anyone else from the RCO? Or did you guys killed them all?

Isaak: I am feeling well here, thank you. I have no comments on your question. This topic is classified. If I answer you, I guess Cain would want to kill you. Next call please.

Vampryo Teuthis: Uh, hey, we kinda have a problem here. (Ahem) My husband and I are getting quite annoyed from our daughter, Marie's need for this Isaak guy. She wears black hair like him, wears the black crap, and even talks like him too! Recently she dressed our family dog as you, which of course there is a flattering resemblance. She says she wants to marry Isaak, and of not, she'll torture the family dog with her "black magic". Is this normal for a twelve-year-old methuselah? She is our first born and whatnot, so we don't know.

Isaak: Keep your daughter away from me. Brick her up in the cellar or something for her own safety, I mean it. I do not take kindly to deluded fangirls, Methuselah or otherwise. Next call please.

Evilangel999: I have an, erm, problem... I made the mistake of serving Vatican priests...I believe it was Hugue and Abel, anyway, One of them ordered tea with NO sugar, and the other with 13. I accidently got them mixed up... Now one of the priests is running around Rome in the nude... What should I do?

Isaak: Move far, far away… There you have it, folks. Undeniable evidence the Vatican is chock full of perverts and nutcases. Next call.

Jen: Remember how I was complaining about vampire children and black angels? Well, now I have a more serious problem. Despite the children I've made myself at home, but now some priest blew up the roof and sent all the children away. Now I'm stuck on this crappy island alone, bored, and screaming for blood. Any ideas on what to do next?

Isaak: Immigrate to a place where you can feast to your heart's content on Terrans. May I suggest Amsterdam? The weather's nice and foggy this time of the year.

Mazdakitsune: I have a call and a question for Dietrich... Is there any way he can nip over to get rid of an annoying pest of a 10 year old cousin that's bugging my brains out? She happens to have an infatuation with a certain long haired Magician...

Isaak: I am sorry to inform you that Dietrich is halfway to Hungaria about now. Dietrich, if you are listening, you could shack up in Istvan with an acquaintance of mine, Colonel Radcon.

Lady Assasen27: Hey I'm a assassin/bounty hunter, who is kinda down on her luck, can't seem to find any good jobs, and this is not da stuff they advertise for in the newspapers if you know what i mean ... so I was wondering if you knew of anyone who needs my services ...Ps. Do you know a good hide out, I have a feeling the inquisition is onto me. (voice in background: HERETICS WILL BE KILLED!!)

Isaak: My sympathies are with you. If you survive those rabid hounds of God (shudder), I may be interested in recommending you to an old acquaintance.

General Zargon: Thanks a lot for the help you (bleep)! Now I have a gunshot wound in my head and there's blood all over the new carpet! Thankfully, I managed to kill the guy who shot me before he started reading my plans for world dominion. Can you at least recommend a good cleaner for the carpet? I have to get the blood out before my fiancée gets back from the store. By the way, can you tell Isaak that he owes me a favor for the crowbar I lent him? That Hugue guy from the Vatican already owes me 2 favours from the poker game last week...Oh (bleep)! Any suggestions for disposing of over fifteen bodies without getting caught? Gotta go now, there's some huge guy with an axe banging on the door!

Isaak: Dietrich, I thought you were going to fix that problem? (Looks about. Remembers Dietrich is not around) Never mind. Suzanne, you there? Trace this call and fix his problem permanently. We do not consort with folks who consort with the Vatican (Next call)

Suzanne: Roger that.

FireMoonlight: I called the hotline and nobody picked up, your operator is busy, apparently. So anyways, following Dietrich of the RCO's advice, I set up an elaborate death trap to get rid of the Inquisition Knight whose been watching me. Sadly, while the plan worked, his partner found out and swore revenge. Now I'm running in the streets trying to dodge a mad revenge-driven knight from butchering me, and he's even more skilled then his partner! How to get rid of THIS one? A quick answer now would be appreciated! Your operator to 6-HELL isn't there!

Isaak: Sorry about that, Suzanne must have been polishing her biplane. You deserved it anyway for going DIY instead of consulting us first. Maybe you could DIY your way out of this one too. Goodbye.

Suzanne: (muttering to herself) Radcon… that name rings a bell. Aha! I got it. You gave that bloke therapy some years back in Berlin maximum security jail. Magus, did you just recommend the same Radcon who was nailed for child molestation to put Dietrich boy up in Istvan?

Isaak: Why, I do believe I did. He's fully reformed. Any further comments on that? (sips at a glass of Bloody Mary)

Suzanne: No… Wait, I am reading something on my radar heading our way…

Isaak: It's probably Mein Herr coming over after picking up his fish and chips from Londinium…

Suzanne: The signal is definitely Vatican Inquisition. At least ten or more battleship class. Shall I crank out the strafe-artillery, sir?

Isaak: No. Save your ammo and stay away from my battleship. (Sound of battering ram on the studio door. Voice in background: OPEN UP IN THE NAME OF GOD!!) Bother, I guess that's all for this week, folks. I have some hell to unleash on an unwelcome guest…

Author's Notes:

Please kindly tolerate any OOCness from Suzanne. Radu's joining the team.