Disclaimer: I do not own Trinity Blood or its characters.

Thanks for all the reviews and calls. This is not running with anime storyline though there will be references to incident in the anime and references to RCO members from the manga and novel. The rating may up due to shameless innuendos, bad language and blasphemy(?) Any blasphemous views on the Church reflected in this parody are not mine, honest.

Alright, for those who wish to know more about the former hosts and that li'l episode of infighting in the Orden… The story is as follows (from Wikipedia): Helga gets jealous that Cain favours Isaak over her so she decides to remove Isaak permanently. She teams up with Basilisk to kill Isaak and his protégé Dietrich. However, Isaak gets wind of the plot and kills Basilisk. Then he shapeshifts to take on Basilisk's appearance to fool Helga and kills her.

New member in the RCO and in the studio. Radu joins the Orden voluntarily in the manga due to grievances over his lot as a lower noble but promptly regrets it when he receives his orders regarding Ion. Naturally, Dietrich has to rub it in his face.

RCO Radio Hour

Session 4

Isaak: Welcome listeners to another RCO Radio Hour. I am glad to be back on the air from our latest hideout, since the former station was levelled by some crazy Inquisition captain. Covering for Dietrich today will be Flamberg, our latest addition to the team. Greet the listeners, Flamberg, and report the news while you are at it. There are no musical interludes because we are acquiring new records since they were wrecked in the attack.

Radu: Good evening all. Here's the news for today. Tensions in Hungaria are at an all time high as the Marquis, Lord Gyula Kadar faces off strong opposition from various factions over his plans to acquire land adjacent to St Matthias' Church for building a casino. Mother Abbess Laura Vitez has stated that she will not accept the proposition of a casino on the doorstep of her church on moral grounds. Leading Terran citizens have also protested the forced evictions carried out by the Hungarian security forces despite reassurances that the casino will boost the tourism dollar and the economy.

Isaak: Try a little more sarcasm. Folks in East Germanius and Hungaria were puzzled by wolf-sightings in regions where the species is known to be extinct. Some have even reported the beast chasing a youngster whose description sounds mildly familiar to me for some unknown reason. Authorities have out it down to mass hallucinations caused by fog and bad vodka.

Radu: More on the Vatican front. Rumours are rife that Cardinal Sofraz has taken out a protection order on behalf of the Pope against her own brother, Cardinal Francesco, after the Church's doctors found His Holiness' ears in danger of permanent damage from his booming voice. Surprisingly, Cardinal Francesco has done the same against his sister. After careful consideration that joint guardianship of the Pope lies with his two elder siblings until he is eighteen, the protection orders were declared null and void in the name of the Holy Church. The guardians of the Pope were spotted slugging it out behind the courthouse afterwards.

Isaak: I propose to work around that problem would require the death of one of the cardinals, don't you? Well, it is time to call in.

LadyAssassen27: Hello, how are you guys doing? ... Well I managed to survive the 'Rabid Hounds of God' as Isaak put it, but now I desperately need a job, not only because I need the money, because its blood boring, just hiding all the time. Isaak, I would really appreciate that recommendation.

Isaak: Why don't you march yourself to Hungaria and call on the Marquis? He may be keen to take out a contract on a certain habit-wearing harridan of an abbess that his security folks are too squeamish killing. Next call.

Mazdakitsune: Holy (bleep)! Issak or Dietrich! Whoever that's there! You have to help me! My idiotic Methuselah cousin's gone to the Vatican and played a prank on the Inquisition Leader! (Sounds of swearing and laughter in the background) Needless to say, he is NOT happy with itching powder in his armour, and I'm getting the blame! I'm currently holding them off with some gunpowder, but that insane ten year old (bleep) cousin thinks she's Issak and she's opening the freakin doors for them to supposedly hold them off with her "Shadow minions"! OH FOR THE LOVE OF (bleep!) HELP ME!

Isaak: Oh dear, now you know why I hate brats under the age of twenty-one. I will be fairly amused to know how well your cousin's shadow minions hold up, since I took half a century to perfect them. Next call please.

Cow13242: Hi again, and I see, Cain wants to kill me, interesting...but he doesn't know where I am! Mwahahahahaha! (then hears a knock on the door and answers it and there's Cain and his crusnik form) Drat...um, do guys have any suggestions to calm your master down?

Isaak: It has been nice chatting with you… (hangs up) Flamberg, why don't you handle the next call?

General Zargon: I feel I must inform you that I do not appreciate that assassin. Is it my fault that I'm trying to rack up favours wherever I can? After all, if I'm ever caught by people who owe me favours then I can just ask them to let me go as a favour. Now, back on topic, you do realize that now you owe me money for the wall and coffee table, don't you? I'll be expecting the money for repairs very soon. I'll also be wanting that crowbar back, my fiancée apparently found out about the fire arms I was keeping in the hall closet and she locked it. By the way, can you tell Suzanne that we really should try and slaughter each other again sometime? I had a very good time (sounds of a door being broken in and a voice screaming DIE HERETIC!) oh (bleep)! I have to go now!(sounds of battle in the background and a voice screaming NO! NOT THE BOOKCASE!)

Radu: (to Isaak) I think it's for Lady Suzanne. I don't recall owing anyone money, except maybe the Viscomtess of Odessa after she massacred me and my pal at poker.

Isaak: Tell him the Red Baroness has gone to return his crowbar. She will drop it down on his address en route to Amsterdam.

Radu: Isn't bad weather expected over Western Europe?

Isaak: So? To ensure the crowbar doesn't get blown off course, she's attaching it to a 50 pound load of munitions. Next call…

Dietrich: Isaak, please advise if it is perfectly normal hospitality in Eastern Europe for your landlord to insist on joining you in your bath? (dripping sarcasm) I happen to have both my wrists in plaster casts thanks to Reiz, but I don't like the looks he's been giving me.

Isaak: Flamberg, you are from Byzantium, I guess you will be more aware of Eastern customs.

Radu: Well, in my homeland, it is perfectly normal for a host to invite his guests for a dip in his Turkish bath before dinner, and join them too. Naturally, communal bathing is gender-specific. A young man should never get into his hostess' bath, even if invited, unless he wants to risk getting skewered by her irate husband.

Dietrich: Let me guess who the young man who got into the lady's bathtub is. Perhaps you? So does this quaint custom apply in… Argh! How did you get in here! Don't even think of touching me! (Sounds of splashing and vigorous struggling) Lemme go! (Bleeping-bleep) Damn you, Isaak! (Line goes dead)

Isaak: (pours out a glass of red wine) Children grow up so fast, don't they?

Radu: Er, shouldn't we do something? (starting to feel uneasy)

Isaak: No, that boy has everything under control. Did I mention he's a Terran who enjoys pulling our strings?

Radu: Oh, then I guess it's alright by me.

Firey-Moonlight: Regarding your last answer about me deserving being chased by some lunatic knight, I simply took advice from you guys! Sure it was Dietrich, but since he's of the RCO I would at least expect your members to give good advice. Anyways I managed to lose the knight when I ran by a Methuselah nest and had them fight each other. When I got to my hideout though I learned that my partner in crime has been arrested and taken to the Inquisition Department. What's the best way to break in and bust him out?

Isaak: If your partner is that pathetic as to get nailed by the Inquisitors, you should really consider getting yourself a new one.

Vampryo Teuthis: Hello? (ahem) Well, I followed your advice, and locked Marie up in her room (with concrete, just in case), and she's over her infatuation. But we have a MORE serious problem. Once we let her out, she turned into a CATHOLIC! She says she wants to join the Vatican and become a nun. My husband and I are (bleep)! And what's worse, a little redheaded nun recruited her and now tomorrow morning they'll coming to get my little Marie! Any words of wisdom for me or clever insults so I can tell them off?!

Isaak: There are some options open to you. First, disown the little ingrate and let the Holy Church due with that problem. Second, kill the little ingrate. Third, kill the little ingrate and the nun to boot.

Radu: Sir, shouldn't we be giving advice to help them get their partners and kids from the Church? (Spots Isaak's shadow minions hovering in the background) Er, never mind. Next call…

Jen: Well, like Issak recommended, I moved to Amsterdam. Nice weather, good food, and all things were doing well. The Methuselah here, though not exactly nicest to look at, are pleasant and quite civil. Then out of nowhere, ANOTHER priest comes along and slaughters off the whole band of them. What the heck is going on with the Vatican here? Where are those strong atheists and Methuselah when you need them? More importantly, what should I do now? Head for Barcelona, Spain? I heard it's the place to go to forget your troubles...

Isaak: Ah, Barcelona, city of art and music. I am planning to hold my organ recital there in a couple of months. As for the Vatican, how many times must I tell you folks out there they are nutcases and perverts? If you need some like-minded friends, I can recommend a nice social club I happen to belong to. The Rosenkreuz Orden. You can log in at our website at RCO-dot-com for details on membership.

Dietrich: Isaak! I need backup here. You are a lousy therapist! Your ex-patient still has a thing for young boys and men. (More scuffles and screams) Help me here, would you? My hands are still in plaster casts!

Isaak: Sorry, time's up. Anyhow, we did have some progress, since he's now interested in teens and not kiddies. I would advise you to either run for it or lose your virginity, if you haven't already lost it. Goodbye, Dietrich.

Dietrich: Argh! (Bleeping-bleep-bleep)

Isaak: That's all for today. Till next time.

Radu: Till next week. Er, sir, is it normal to have a Vatican airship hovering above the station?

Isaak: Oh (bleep)

Author's Notes:

Read and review. Isaak's been nasty to Dietrich, isn't he? Will Dietrich get his back soon?