Disclaimer: I do not own Trinity Blood or its characters.

Thanks for all the reviews and calls. This is not running with anime storyline though there will be references to incident in the anime and references to RCO members from the manga and novel. The rating may up due to shameless innuendos, bad language and blasphemy(?) Any blasphemous views on the Church reflected in this parody are not mine, honest.

Dear reviewers, all calls will be edited to fit the flow of the story plot. Calls that are simply too way out will be ignored by the RCO. BTW, Dietrich is back and not happy. Cain drops by.

RCO Radio Hour

Session 5

Dietrich: Welcome once again to RCO Radio Hour. We apologize for our absence no thanks to those Inquissies and an incompetent causing the loss of our third station in as many months. (smirks at Isaak, who happen to be tied to a chair and scowling) It is really good to be back… and to get my own back for that. (Kicks Isaak in the shin) Nice place you have landed though. Nice climate with a hint of Eastern decadence… is it a rental? Flamberg apologises for his absence as he has been called away on urgent court business. Oh bother, I suppose I will have to do the news. How boring… Would you like to do the honours, Magician?

Isaak: There was a certain young man who wound up shacking with a nun after he ran into an Istvanian church screaming for sanctuary. In the nude. Gak (Chokes as Dietrich tightens his wires around his neck. Dietrich then climbs onto his lap and pricks his shoulder with a silver knitting needle)

Dietrich: Come again, Isaak, I am afraid I didn't quite catch that… (pushes knitting needle in slowly)

Isaak: The Marquis of Hungaria is presumed dead after the forces of the Holy City ruthlessly wrought destruction in the area… no small thanks to a certain computer engineer I recommended to him…

Cain: (Steps into the studio and sees the pair) Well, well… I hope I am not interrupting anything, erm, kinky. Maybe I will stay and watch the festivities. (Pulls up a chair just as phone rings) Are we on the air? How pleasant. Hi, Sister Seth, I must say you have a nice country here. I may hang about for a while and drop in on you sometime. (Phone goes off)

Dietrich: (Scrambles away from Isaak) You are on the air, caller.

Cain: No more games, Dietrich? (Smiles)

LadyAssassen27: Well I went to see the Marquis as Isaak suggested, and he gave me the job, and I did it quite well, I might add. But now there's this redhead nun, that wants revenge, 'on all vampires' as she says, any ideas on what to do with said nun? Ps: Is it normal for Dietrich to be running around being chased by ...Colonel Radcon?

Cain: Dietrich, Dietrich… So you have been fooling about outside. Watch out about the RCO's reputation, will you? Surely you have better taste than that.

Dietrich: I suppose I will have to do something about dear little redhead Esther.

Isaak and Cain: (together) Dear little Esther?

Isaak: I think little Dietrich is growing up. (wriggles free of his bonds) Have you two done it yet? We were starting to think you're gay.

Dietrich: Can we discuss my sex life off-air?

Cain: No… The idea of you fornicating with a nun in a church is somewhat intriguing. Spill the beans, boy. (Raises his arm at Dietrich) Is there another call coming in?

Cow13242: Oh, THANKS A LOT! Now I lost an arm, a leg and my eye! AH! Anyways, Cain said he went easy on me, But he didn't! Well if I start arguing with him...he'll probably kill me completely...I ONLY WANTED TO ASK HIM A QUESTION! Can you please tell me what to do? Should I like tell him that he's the greatest leader or something? Come on, I'm on your side.

Cain: I am very sorry about your loss. Maybe I should go back and finish what I started or continue this little discussion with you, don't you? (Flies out open window)

Isaak: Next call please. (summons shadow minions who promptly grabs Dietrich and pin him over the chair.) This is going to be so satisfying disciplining you. (pulls out a baseball bat and yanks Dietrich's pants down) Just as I thought, you came prepared… (tosses aside the thick phonebook Dietrich has stuffed down the back of his boxers) At least it wasn't a Bible this time…

Dietrich: Isaak! Argh! Ow! (screams and curses as Isaak proceeds to swing the bat hard onto his exposed rear end)

Lady Dragon715: I've been having this problem. Whenever I get mad at someone their heads explode, any solutions on how to fix it?

Isaak: Why, would, you wanna solve that? (More screams from Dietrich in the background) Next call!

Vampryo Teuthis: (groan) I just disowned Marie, and now my husband disowned me and not only that, FORCED me to join the Vatican! Should I kill my (bleepity)(bleep) husband, or should I go with his plan and assassinate the dorky little (bleepity)(bleep) pope?

Isaak: (Throws aside broken bat) And I thought Dietrich here has the worst taste in partners. Kill your ex by all means. As for the pope, you realize that he is only a puppet. The Church just popped him there as a buffer to keep two of their cardinals from declaring open war on each other. (pause) On second thoughts, kill the Pope and we will sit back and enjoy the fireworks as the Holy City burns in civil war. Next.

MazdaKitsune: For your info, Issak... my cousin chased the whole lot of Inquisitors away when her... erm... "shadow minions" went out of control. Now… is there a way to not get swallowed up by this huge wave that's trying to devour anything in it's sight? (looks up at the approaching darkness) Er, maybe spare a tip or two for my coz?

Isaak: (lights up a cigarette) Hm, sounds like a Moloch Class 5 shadow beast you got. Do you happen to have a kid on hand to sacrifice to it? That might do the trick…

Dietrich: I-Isaak… You (bleeping) beat the crap outta me… (pulls his pants back up) Were you trying to kill me?

Isaak: So? Maybe I was. You can take the remaining calls.

Firey-Moonlight: My partner really was pathetic, for the sake of a reduced sentence, he said he was going to work for the church now! I think he's been talking to that convict...Dagger? Dandelion? I think to was Dandelion. I really need a new partner, and god forbid but I'm eyeing the same knight that tried to kill to me! Is this just a phase respecting your enemy, or should I actually try converting the guy? Any ideas on driving him crazy and convincing him of it?

Dietrich: I think it may actually work out. Isaak and I try to kill or utterly humiliate each other every other day, yet we are still at it after ten years. I suggest you use your telepathic abilities to tap into his head and brainwash him into joining you. If you have those powers, that is. (snicker)

Isaak: Dietrich, let me go… (finds himself being forced to his knees)

Dietrich: Gee, not until I make you clean my shoes (wriggles fingers behind back, curses from Isaak in the background) Next call while Isaak cleans my shoes with his tongue.

General Zargon: Thanks for the munitions! I was starting to run low, but thanks for returning the crowbar. Though, I won't get the opportunity to use it on the hall closet door until a few weeks. Apparently, the house has an infestation of cockroaches, thus me and my fiancée have been forced to move to the second summer house, as both the first summer house and the original house have to be repaired and fumigated. Any suggestions for continuing world domination when the plans are still in the house being fumigated? Do I wing it or do I wait until the fumigating is done? By the way, in response to the munitions almost being dropped on my head, I have sent a time bomb to your studio that is set to go off approximately five minutes after this call ends. Have fun!

Dietrich: Oh, we are having fun… I don't see why lack of a fixed address will affect your plans. Mobility can be a plus. Too bad since we are located in a new undisclosed location and our last location now occupied by some church orphanage, well, I guess you have wasted your bomb on some scrawny kids and those nuns running the place. Oh, Isaak, you missed a spot.

Radu: (Walking in) Damn! I can't believe they actually gave that mission to that novice blond viscomtess… Er, (sees Isaak licking Dietrich's shoes) am I disturbing something?

Isaak: Hold your tongue on this or die (glares at Radu)

Ion (from outside): Radu! Are you in? The match is starting in ten minutes! The front doors open so I let myself in…

Dietrich: Your blond chit of a lover boy wants you, Baron. (snicker)

Radu: Crap! That's all for this week, listeners. (Slams door shut behind him as he runs back out to stop Ion) Ion, I was just about to leave for that tennis match…

Author's Notes:

After this episode, I guess all the RCO minds are in the gutter where Isaak and Dietrich are concerned. SM, bondage… Poor Ion. Blond chit indeed. Any educated guesses on where the radio station has been set up?