Disclaimer: I do not own Trinity Blood or its characters.
Thanks for all the reviews and calls. This is not running with anime storyline though there will be references to incident in the anime and references to RCO members from the manga and novel. The rating may up due to shameless innuendos, bad language and blasphemy(?) Any blasphemous views on the Church reflected in this parody are not mine, honest.
Radu gets his big break in this episode, and then his old man tries screwing things up for him.
RCO Radio Hour
Session 6
Radu: Good evening all. Welcome to RCO Radio Hour. Flamberg here. I regret to inform you that Isaak and Dietrich have skipped off for their summer retreat in some Bavarian country manor with the others while I am stuck doing this session as I was unable to get clearance to leave the country, unlike some novice who got cleared to party at some costume party Outside. I suppose the weather Outside will be sunny and bright (shudder), may they get sunburn. Now for the news…
Radu's dad: (from outside) Boy! Don't be late for your appointment and dress neat! You do want to make a good impression on your future wife, don't you? And watch that smart mouth of yours in front of the Duke.
Radu: (to his dad) Yes, father. Nine o'clock, I won't forget. I'm not as senile as you…
Radu's dad: Whassat? Do you want me to box your ears? (Tries the door to find it locked and bolted) You little (bleep)! (Banging on door)
Radu: Why didn't you stay in the Balkans like you said you would? Back to the news. Alarm has been raised by various factions regarding the current interventionist methods employed by the Vatican. It has been alleged that the Vatican Inquisition branch was implicated in the Hungaria incident. The Four Counts ruling the Low Countries have voiced concern that the Vatican is trying to stir up trouble in their cities as an excuse for sending in their army. On the scientific front, famous scientist Dr James Barrie claims that he has perfected the gene engineering process for creating fairies. His data has been met with scorn by the scientific community and dismissed as the mind-sickly fantasies of an island-bound hermit. The good doctor had previously been fired from the Albion University amidst rumours of paedophilia and has been running an island orphanage since…
Radu's dad: (from outside) Woe is me. My only son is a hopeless ingrate who is probably gay to boot. I knew letting you hang around that Fortuna boy was a mistake.
Radu: Father, the auditions for the Imperial Drama Club is over and I like Ion as a friend, nothing else! Cut out the dramatics… Please enjoy 'The Silk Road' while I see to my sadly deluded dad. (leaves the room)
(Strains of soothing string music with angry words in the background)
Radu: Dear all, thank you for your patience. Now on the Vatican front, Cardinal Francesco was found concussed after a minor accident while he was passing his sister's balcony and a potted rose bush… (Phone rings) Hello, you are on the air.
Isaak: Flamberg, what was the meaning of that new age junk you played earlier? RCO Radio is a classy channel and I expect the likes of classics like Mozart, Bach or Chopin.
Radu: Yes, sir. I thought the listeners would find it refreshing…
Isaak: Well, Master didn't. Watch it.
Radu: Yes, sir. Well, back to the news… Duke Baybars was implicated in a minor incident involving a young tea-seller. The good Duke was forced to apologize to the girl after his men accidentally trashed her tea stand while chasing an unregistered Methuselah with long black hair through the marketplace. You are now welcome to call in.
LadyAssassen27: Isaak, I have a bone to pick with you! The Marquis that you recommended decided to drop dead before he payed me, and I can't even get the cash now coz apparently his estate has been clamed by the church (bleeping bleep bleep) So now I'm still broke, and starving! Stupid Terrans and their silver daggers ... can't even get a decent meal without getting stabbed, what happened to the good old days when they carried wooden stick ... I think I'll just go back to the empire, join the Yeniceri ...what do you guys reckon?
Radu: Well, Duke Baybars is hiring since he lost a couple of his men in the marketplace incident… I guess he may relent on the stringent requirements for entry. He generally maims half the applicants in the first round of trials… Good luck, pal. Next!
Jen: Along the way to Barcelona, Spain, I met this man named Remington who's trying to chase after this guy named Aion, and they're driving me crazy. Remington's all about repent, Aion's all about destroying the world and obsessing over a 'Chrno' and 'Rosette'. I tried telling them that they need help, but they won't listen to me! Strange things happen when they're around, how do I keep them out of trouble, especially since they're both unnaturally strong and 'wise'?
Radu: Your call only serves to reinforce my sincere belief that the folks Outside are nutcases. Try locking them in an asylum or something. Personally, I thinking of sending my dear Pa to a nice retirement home for senile Methuselahs in Siberia. Next call…
Radu's dad: (from outside) Radu, you little ingrate!
Radu: (to dad) Aha! Caught you eavesdropping again. Go fly a kite or something. Get off my back.
Radu's dad: (outside) You get married to that Duke's daughter and sire a half dozen strapping grandsons on your wife for me to dandle and I will leave you alone. Don't blow this engagement now… and don't give the roving eye to the waitresses at the café later…
Mazda Kitsune: I've gone and given that cousin of mine to the Moloch and it's pretty happy now. Unfortunately, I've been disowned. (Sighs heavily) Well, then... do you any place where a Methuselah like me can go for a rejuvenating vacation? Possibly somewhere that includes cute guys like that dark haired, tall vampire I saw at a tennis match last week? Thanks.
Radu: Sometimes you don't need family… Try the Byzantium Welfare Service for placement. You may get assigned to clean the tennis courts. Next call!
Crazy-in-love: I have a little problem and I was hoping you could help me; I met a gorgeous hunk of man-flesh last night and i've fallen for him. Problem is I'm a Methuselah and he's (shudder) the Chief Inquisitor for the Vatican! But he's so damn cute! Is there ANY way I can change him?
Radu: Lady, you are from Outside, aren't you? You need a shrink. Next!
Vampyro Teuthis: (evil laugh) Well, I managed to poison my lover, AND join the Vatican at the same time! But the inquisition guards are strip-searching everyone from evidence of the murder, any advice on destroying evidence? Heh, and look out in the news about the boy-pope, he'll be singing with the angels by next week.
Radu: Burn up the damned evidence in the palm of your hand. (snaps fingers to generate a flame to light a cigarette)
Radu's dad: Radu, no smoking in the house and no flames!
General Zargon: I have good news and bad news, the good news is that the houses are done being fumigated; the bad news is that one of my new recruits panicked and accidentally gave the Pope's brother a concussion instead of killing him. Is there anyway to correct that mistake without being caught, or do I have to wait until the commotion dies down a little? But anyway (sigh) I worked really hard on that bomb, shame it's going to be wasted on a bunch of kids and nuns, but oh well! I'll just have to make another one
Radu: Just go ahead and wipe out the entire College of Cardinals if you wish.
Count Carel: I am highly suspicious of one of my friends. I suspect he is sneaking something behind my back. I even suspect that whatever business he is up to with threaten the little truce we currently have with the Terrans and I may even lose my life in the bargain. Am I being paranoid? What do you advise I should do?
Radu: You are being paranoid. Nothing much to worry about… hahaha… (gets whacked by conscience big-time) Next call please.
Radu's fiancée: I am set to meet my fiancé in a few hours and I am a bundle of nerves. Should I wear the blue velvet or the red silk? Will velvet be too formal since he's only a baron and not a duke like Papa… Oh by the way, I hope his voice is as sexy as yours…
Radu: Lady, flattery and blatant flirting isn't going to get you anywhere. And you sound like a squeaking scatterbrain. I think your fiancé will prefer you show up in a nun's habit and book your good self into a convent or somewhat. Next call, they are really coming in.
Asta: Radu Barvon! I recognize your voice and I know you are responsible for that fireball in my walk-in closet! I know you have issues regarding mission assignment but this is so juvenile, even for you. (aside) What? My darling kitty Venus is pregnant? By the Barvons' mangy moggy? (back to the phone) Wait, I am popping over to knock your block off as soon as my butler finds me undamaged clothes!
Radu: This is Flamberg signing off for tonight, and seeking refuge from an enraged viscomtess. (runs from Barvon manor)
Author's Notes:
If you are wondering, Count Carel is the one of the Four Counts from the Sword Dancer episode. Scandal afoot in Byzantium. I hope Isaak and Dietrich isn't influencing Radu too much.