Disclaimer: I do not own Trinity Blood or its characters.
Thanks for all the reviews and calls. Rating may up due to shameless innuendos, bad language and blasphemy(?) Any blasphemous views on the Church reflected in this parody are not mine, honest.
Yes, the RCO set up their station in Byzantium, but not for long… more court squabbles ahead. Poor Radu doesn't get a break, does he?
RCO Radio Hour
Session 7
Radu: Dear listeners, a good evening to all. I have sorted out my problems by skipping home for a while so my pa does not interrupt the programme. A short advertisement before I start. If anyone is interested in owning Bengal-Siberian cross tiger cubs, please contact Viscomtess of Odessa…
Dietrich: (enters makeshift studio) Nice dig, Flamberg, is this your bachelor pad? I thought it was the city dump. So, finally shook off that blond bitch? I hear your fiancée checked herself into a convent after clapping her peepers on her husband-to-be…
Radu: Oh, good evening to you, Dietrich. How's your honeymoon with Isaak? Ack! (Sound of Radu getting smashed into the wall as Dietrich unleashes his wires)
Dietrich: Don't. Go. There. (smiling) Now, let's get on with the news before Mein Herr or Isaak drops us a call. Piracy in the North Sea is at an all time high despite the Albion navy presence in the area. Of course, we all know the navy's there to curb Vatican ambitions but not to catch pirates. Did I mention that the Vatican is meddling in Albionian internal affairs on the sly?
Radu: In Amsterdam, the Methuselah population was massacred by what is believed to be a crack assassin squad deployed by the Vatican. Methuselah leaders all over Europe are outraged by this event and intend to petition for better protection for Methuselahs outside the Empire limits…
Dietrich: On the Vatican front, Cardinal Caterina is planning to hit the road on a so-called diplomatic tour of Europe. Suspicion is rife that it is a lame excuse to escape interrogation by the Inquisition for suspicious activities. Her application for permission to leave the Holy City is currently under review for approval by the College of Cardinals.
Radu: Our reporter in Bavaria reports a tremendous ruckus in the Bavarian holiday resort village of Ledenbrug when a young holidaymaker was alleged to have tried slipping hot chilli peppers into the soup of his Methuselah counterparts. The young troublemaker was sent packing by a werewolf… (looks suspiciously at Dietrich's newly mended pants)
Dietrich: Now onto the weather report. Sunny in Bavaria, sunny in Rome, sunny in Hispania… (Spots Radu's interest in his pants) Flamberg… Are you looking where you should not?
Radu: Ah, no… (Looks away, drinks from his teacup and immediately spits out his mint tea) Dietrich! You (bleeping) poisoned my tea with (bleep) chilli! (Runs out to chug ice water)
Dietrich: Now the line is clear for you to call in.
Firey-Moonlight: Believe it or not, somehow I met in person your operator to the hotline that once failed me. She gave me some advice on how to turn a guy away from his beliefs, but when I tried those tactics the Inquisition Knight went hysterical on me. Maybe repeating one's worst memories over and over again to a guy was too much, but he sure as hell won't be patrolling the streets screaming HERETIC and I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE on me again. Still, any way to reverse such drastic effects? Seeing a grown man on his knees and clutching his head is making me feel unnaturally guilty.
Dietrich: What I wouldn't give to see Isaak in that state. I guess plane-crazy Suzanna does have her uses after all. Well, I wonder what she will say when she finds out I nipped her favourite Messerschmitt to get here, and crashed it into a pig sty.
Radu: (returning) Dietrich, do you happen to know what a plane wreck is doing in my tiger pen? And why my family tiger is dead?
Dietrich: No comments.
MazdaKitsune: Dear Flamberg, I did as you told and got myself a place at the Byzantium Welfare Service and a nice job at the tennis court where I can pick up er... you get the idea. But anyway, I saw that tall, dark haired Methuselah again... and someone said that he's the Baron Luxor... um, anyway, do you think he'll be offended if I say that he totally makes me burst out in flames? Cause he's just smoking!
Dietrich: Ooh. Someone has a secret admirer. But that someone is due to walk the hellish road of matrimony soon, isn't he? Flamberg, I picked this up on the way… I believe your old man is distributing it over town… (waves a wedding invite)
Radu: What the? (grabs it from him) Holy (bleep!) That senile old man is marrying me off to the Duke's other daughter, and I am not informed? Oh (bleep!)
Dietrich: It could be worse, couldn't it? He could have matched you with the good Duke's niece instead. I think your nuptials will be more, erm, fiery, with that blond harridan blasting you to kingdom come over her tigress. Found good homes for those little mongrels yet? She is screaming how she would turn your guts inside out and give your bones to her kitties for chew toys… (Radu blanches considerably) Maybe if you get married soon, she will let you off on account of you being related to her by marriage, or maybe not…
Ion: (calling in) Er, my best pal is in a bit of a pickle. He has to find tiger cubs a good home or someone will feed him to her tigresses. Any suggestions how to find good homes for four tiger cubs?
Radu: Ask your grandma if she is aware of any vacancies in the Byzantium zoo.
Ion: Good idea! Why didn't I think of Grandmother? Hey, how did you know my grandmother is also the honorary curator of the Byzantium zoo?
Radu: No comment. (ends call)
LadyAssassen27: Hey Flamberg, thanks for that tip about the Duke and his love for maiming people (shudders) Well I managed to survive, an that's something ... man who knew that, that sword of his has Three blades, well anyway he said he would let me in, only now there is this small problem, he wants to check my record, and well let's just say that it ain't the cleanest, I've done my share of work in the empire, so um you live in the empire Flamberg, so do you know anyway to come up with false copies of your criminal record?
Radu: Don't even try dreaming of it. Our Duke always cross-references his applicant details with the Secret Service files, thanks to him being on very good terms with the agency's boss. Take it from someone who has been there before. He had me scrubbing all the privies in the Academy after that minor accident involving his hat when I was still a kid… If you have committed some really big crimes, I advise you to skip town before they dig up the dirt on you and Duke Baybars use you as a point example for all the riff-raff.
General Zargon: It's so hard to find good help these days. I have learned the meaning of that saying all too well recently (sigh) maybe I should just pack up my bags and try to assassinate the Empress this around. If you're wondering whats got me all depressed, one of my other new recruits decided to try and get a promotion by attacking the Inquisition headquarters upfront! Little idiot was killed faster than you could blink. Problem is, the idiot was the son of a rather well-to-do Methuselah family and now they want my head on a platter for getting their first son killed. Is there any possible way to avoid this short of killing the entire family, including second cousins and the family pet?
Dietrich: Oh dear, but it really proves my theory that all vampire nobles are so inbred that their IQ is sorely lacking. Do you suppose your family is involved in this, Flamberg? Your folks have about the same number of brain cells.
Radu: You little (bleep)! (Tries to attack Dietrich, only to get slammed into the wall by Dietrich's wires)
Dietrich: My point exactly.
Vampyro Teuthis: Hehe. Read the papers yet? No, not the pope being assassinated, but the whole Vatican burning down. Yup, burned the evidence...and the Vatican. Well, not completely, but...only the Inquisition department. Don't know how, just did. Okay, next: Choice of poison? Knife or gun? Which is the best way to kill the pope once and for all?
Dietrich: Burst a paper bag behind the rabbit's back. Our dear little pope will probably keel over from the shock. Oops, look at the time. One more call and its au revoir. You are on the air.
Suleyman: I have a little bit of an issue with certain new court policies. However, when I try to raise objections, my esteemed colleagues toss them out. I think I may be asked to resign my post on the council soon if I persist. Also, her esteemed Majesty thinks it is a good idea for one of my daughters to be wed to a lowly baron. Hell! When I went into that particular agreement with Barvon, we were still cadets in the Academy. Our friendship ended when he turned out to be a back-stabbing snake in the grass during the final exam. And I expected that agreement to be void as well. Is it just me or did he trot it out because his son is a lacklustre cadet and a wimp with no chance of courting a lady otherwise? I am not at all keen on handing my daughter to his son, who will probably follow in his misguided footsteps.
Dietrich: Oh dear, I propose you start an opposition party and use your future son-in-law in it. If anything goes awry, dump everything on his lap.
Radu: What the (bleep)! I am not keen on marrying your buck-toothed, cross-eyed, half-wit daughter!
Suleiman: Radu Barvon? Is that you? You drove my other daughter into the local convent! So you marry her sister! You are a lily-livered coward who wouldn't even face my niece to take responsibility over what your tiger did to her pet!
Radu: Face that crazy woman? Please! Are you sure you didn't mean to send her into an asylum instead of that mission?
Suleiman: Young man, you are treading on dangerous ground here where your career is concerned… (makes mental note to demote Radu Barvon and send him to the boondocks)
Suleyman's daughter: (snatching the phone from her pa) Radu, darling, please don't be rash! I'm out of that convent and our folks really should talk things over… Do you want my wedding gown to be white or…(simpering)
Dietrich: (hangs up) Oh dear, as interesting as that little exchange was, I am afraid we are out of time… Adios, till next time. By the way, Flamberg, I spotted a couple of Yeniceri and one irate viscomtess heading this way. So bye. (flees)
Radu: (Bleep)
Author's Notes:
Radu's in the soup this time. Wonder how he is going to explain to the Yeniceri. Close call with Ion calling in.