Disclaimer: I do not own Trinity Blood or its characters.

Thanks for all the reviews and calls. Rating may up due to shameless innuendos, bad language and blasphemy(?) Any blasphemous views on the Church reflected in this parody are not mine, honest. I may do a stand-alone with Isaak and Dietrich on their Bavarian getaway, but I guess I may let it pass… Cain's on the air, finally.

RCO Radio Hour

Session 8

Cain: Good evening all. This is RCO Radio broadcasting from Berlin. Oops! Dietrich-boy, pass me my hand will you? I always find damp weather hard on my body. When's Isaak going to be back from Barcelona?

Dietrich: Here you go. The Magier says he will be back after he's done with that organ thingy with the doc. Shall I start on the news?

Cain: Go ahead.

Dietrich: An audit of the Vatican accounts has turned up major irregularities. The Holy City's defence budget has been exceeded by three thousand dinars but the Duke of Tuscany, Cardinal Francesco di Medici, stresses that the Vatican is fully able to absorb this deficit. The Holy Church's diplomatic offices have exceeded their budget as well throwing wild parties for foreign dignitaries. This is the twentieth year the Vatican overall budget is in the red. The College of Cardinals has encouraged the faithful to aid the Church in her hour of need by contributing generously for the sakes of their immortal souls.

Cain: In simple terms, they are asking all to pay or get excommunicated. Dietrich-boy, are you afraid of that?

Dietrich: Nope. Been there, done that. After killing my pa and ma and the whole frigging town. In Albion, authorities are tightening their port controls after rumours of human-trafficking. Source alleged dubious immigrants have been entering Albion from the sea. Also in Albion, police have finally cracked down on a paedophile ring operating an orphanage on Neverland Island. However, rescue came too late for the poor brats and their remains were recovered in shallow graves in the island's caves.

Cain: Is there any news from my dear siblings?

Dietrich: None from your brother since we last met in Istvan. In Byzantium, the House of Tigris and the House of Giza are in open warfare after a matrimonial agreement between the two noble houses came to a crashing end. Sources state that Count Rashid of Giza has sought assistance from his allies in the House of Moldova in defence of his son, the Baron of Luxor's, good name (snicker) while the prospective father-in-law, Duke Suleyman has approached his kin in the House of Caspia. We expect the good streets of the Imperial capital to erupt in street warfare... (phone rings) Hello, you may call in later.

Seth: Excuse me, but I wish to point out that there will not be any street fighting in Byzantium. The Imperial Council has nipped any hostilities in the bud by sending the Baron of Luxor and Duke Suleyman for mediation. As a member of the imperial council, I can inform you that the mediator will be a neutral from Outside. We have secured the services of a Dr Isaac Butler, a trained counsellor from Albion University, to assist us in working out this slight hiccup in an otherwise smooth arrangement via teleconference. Please kindly refrain from inciting unrest.

Cain: Your voice sounds familiar… Sis, is that you?

Seth: (Bleep) Cain? Oops, I mean I am afraid you are mistaken. (Hangs up)

Dietrich: (to himself) Isaac Butler? Oh my, Isaak will be busy… (back to newscaster mode) The weather is expected to be sunny in Rome, Hispania and Cartago. Get out the UV shades and sunblock. Albion is expected to experience heavy rains. A cold front is sweeping in from the North Sea and the Low Countries and Germanius are in for a stretch of cold, damp weather. That is all the news for today…

Cain: I suppose this is when you listeners call in with your problems for our assistance. Please kindly do so after enjoying this Ninth Symphony by Beethoven. Reiz, fetch me a copy of the Entertainment News from the news stand. (Strains of music)

Petros: I happened to chance upon this radio programme while station surfing. I am facing some problems in manpower. I have major vacancies due to the last couple of missions and my men are sorely overstretched. Then they cut our budget. How in the Lord's name are we to recruit new men when the monthly pay doesn't even pay for a square meal?

Dietrich: Make them a deal they can't refuse. Recruit from the prisons or something.

Petros: You expect the Holy Inquisition to recruit criminals? (Slams down phone)

Dietrich: How touchy. Next call.

General Zargon: Thanks a lot you (bleep)! Because you didn't really tell me anything useful in your response to my last call. I wound up killing the entire family, second cousins and family pet included, not to mention the butler who happened to walk in at the wrong moment! But now I have another problem, which is the fact that I am now wanted for 'Vampirocide', is there any way to avoid having to kill the people who are sent to capture me? By the way, in revenge for your last bit of 'helpful' (insert sarcasm here) advice I have informed the Viscomtess of Odessa where to find Flamberg. Have fun dodging the irate Viscomtess!

Dietrich: Welcome to the club. I can't speak for good old Flamberg. Vamproycide is no biggy. Join the Inquisition. I mean, you get the Church's blessings to kill vampires. They may look the other way for any other crimes you have committed previously.

Mazda Kitsune: I need a tip... there's a Methuselah stalking me for no reason... and I really need to get something to guard my privacy from being invaded... preferably something that's scary, with sharp teeth and sharp claws and would not attack me when enraged...

Dietrich: Ooo, I recommend a werewolf. They are loyal to a fault to their masters and have no brains for disobedience. Wonder if old Reiz has sired any puppies recently. I mean he was fond of that German shepherd bitch… (Sounds of growling) Reiz? Back so soon? Argh! Can't you take a joke? (Snarling sounds and screams)

Cain: How charming… (fishes out a camera and snaps away)

Firey-Moonlight: In regards to that Inquisition Knight who went hysterical thanks to me acting upon Suzanna's advice, I simply left him alone. From what I heard, an AX agent bearing the name Crusnik escorted him back. Here I thought AX and Inquisition members hate each other due to the cardinals...anyhow, if I did see this 'Isaak' in that state, I'll remember it's the boy from the RCO station. And I agree with said boy about seeing people in that state, while it first made me feel unnaturally guilty, I find myself constantly going back to that memory now. Shoot, is this natural as well? Or the beginnings of a rather sadist obsession?

Cain: Ah, it is perfectly normal. Like how I delight in my childhood memories of my dear twin's face after I tell him his puppy's playing with the angels.

LadyAssessen27: Hello all!! Well I'm managed to get away form Duke Baybars, and the other yeniceri ... quite easily actually, since there were all concerned about this other guy, I think he was called the 'Baron of Luxor' or something. But now one of them followed me, saying he wants to be my apprentice or some shit like that ...something about wanting to be an assassin rather than a yeniceri ... whoever's there any advice on what to do with the little idiot, coz its bloody annoying having him follow me around 24/7 going on about wanting to me my apprentice.

Cain: If I happen to encounter any unwanted hanger-ons, I simply kill them. Same for those who have proved themselves useless. Oh my, look at the time. I must go get these photos of Dietrich getting mauled developed for the Orden's photo albums. That's all for tonight. Till next time.

Author's Notes:

I guess Seth has made a bad decision getting Isaak aka Isaac Butler to patch things up between Luxor and Tigris. Dietrich getting mauled? He really asks for it at times. Petros is another clueless bloke.