Disclaimer: I do not own Trinity Blood or its characters.

Thanks for all the reviews and calls. Rating may up due to shameless innuendos, bad language and blasphemy(?) Any blasphemous views on the Church reflected in this parody are not mine, honest.

Embarrassing photos, tales and mayhem.

RCO Radio Hour

Session 11

Dietrich: Good evening, I am not going to report the news or give the (bleeping) weather report. Instead, I will treat you folks to an evening of interesting anecdotes of my absent colleagues at their most embarrassing. What better time to do this than when Isaak and our Master are away in Rome and Flamberg packing for some diplomatic jaunt as a babysitter… Let's see what we got… Aha! Isaak fans, you will love this interesting titbit. Isaak always got second in his engineering class in Albion U. He always got pipped to first place by some Terran who is currently a priest. Dittto for matters of the heart. That has to hurt, doesn't it, my friend? I have a couple of photos of Isaak back in his dorky Uni days… Let's have a game show while we're at it. These photos are going to the first caller who can provide me with the answer to this question: Name me this classmate who pipped Isaak.

Leon: (calling in from prison) I know this one. Sir William Walter Wordsworth.

Dietrich: Very good, sir. How may I send them to you?

Leon: Send those photos to Rome's 5th high-security penitentiary for men.

Dietrich: Well, well… I suppose prison does weird things to folks… Are you an Isaak fan?

Leon: Not exactly… It's for the cook so I cadge extra chilli from her with my meals. She adores your show big-time! She got your photos pinned up in the mess hall and has been hankering for any Isaak photos to go with those of you in that Bavarian barmaid uniform. The other guys in here think it's sexy for some reason… (Dietrich slams phone down)

Dietrich: Holy (Bleep)… how did they get a hold of that photo from our Bavarian retreat? Never mind that… My other colleague, who incidentally happens to hold a minor title, is slightly confused about his orientation, as evidenced by a photo of him and a blond chit of a boy caught in a rather suggestive position. I will now proceed to describe in sordid detail… Flamberg is kissing, I repeat, kissing…

Radu: (Calling in) Dietrich! If it is that photograph you filched from my PC, it's from the Charity Pageant back when we were in the Academy Drama Club. I and my friend were acting in Anthony and Cleopatra. And we weren't exactly kissing. It's a camera trick.

Dietrich: So that explains your kooky ancient Egyptian get-up and mascara… Well, you seem to be enjoying it…

Radu: I certainly didn't enjoy it. We were a little short of hands that year for the play. They hauled me up for the role as Cleopatra after our leading lady, the bitch from Kiev, skipped town for some tête-à-tête with her fiancé on the shores of the Black Sea.

Dietrich: Oh, Flamberg… Is it true that you were sneaking about the dressing room of the said bitch? And that you have a thing for lacy lingerie?

Radu: (Bleeping-Bleep!) I certainly do NOT have a thing for women's undergarments!

Dietrich: Oh good then. You don't want listeners to question the manliness of our company…

Radu: At least I don't serve poisoned beer at the Oktoberfest in a Bavarian waitress' uniform…(bleeping) Terran peasant! (makes mental note to destroy all pics from the Academy yearbooks featuring Anthony and Cleopatra. )

Dietrich: Oh, Flamberg, that golden bra you were as Cleo, really goes with that green eyeliner… (hangs up) I have tried to dig up some dirt on our other members. I am sure you all would like to know if Suzanne is really a lesbian or if Reiz is dating a German Shepherd crossbreed… Sadly, I am obliged to help you, faithful listeners, with your problems. So please call in.

Ex-yeniceri: Um.. hello (looks around nervously) Mr. Dietrich, I did what you said, and it didn't work, she wouldn't listen to me, so I thought if I started the rebellion on my own ... but that didn't work as well, and now she's really, really angry with me ... she's been reading a lot of books on torture of late, and muttering darkly ... Is that a good sign?? You think I'll be able to impress her if I find us a good job? Know anyone who needs an assassin? (Sounds in the background: WHAT IN GOD'S NAME ARE YOU DOING NOW!!")Eep ...

Dietrich: How fascinating… Perhaps you would like to try escaping her clutches before she kills you? We have no openings for assassins, however, we have an opening for a fake relic-maker. Anyone wants to take up the challenge of crafting some saintly relics to make monkeys out of the Vatican? Please write in to Düsseldorf PO Box 13. Attention to Isaak.

Mazda Kitsune: Ah... peace and quiet at last... (sounds of waves in the background) Hello to all at the RCO! Dietrich, I hope you're enjoying the company of Reiz and my Werewolf as Isaak said you would... I'm just calling in to send my regards to a certain convict from the Vatican. I hope he's happy with what remains of his beloved bazooka. Toss a disk at me again, and this time I'll make sure your weapon's destroyed for good! (Resumes sipping wine next to the sea)

Dietrich: You sent me that Were? Okay… (thinks of ways to get even) I apologize but that were is no more as Reiz mistook him for a threat to Isaak's health, no small thanks to me. Since you sound like you have no problems, we can stop cluttering the airwaves.

Cuckolded: My wife of seven years is seeing a younger man behind my back and making out in my castle dungeons! Help! I feel so mad. But divorce is outta the question as it will make me the biggest laughingstock in Methuselah high-society for the next 200 years!

Dietrich: Don't get mad, get even… I recommend you present your wife and her lover-boy with silver bullets from a firearm. All's fair in love and war, no?

IxD yaoi fangirl: Dietrich, I have a very personal question to ask… When you and Isaak make out, do you prefer doing it in a bed or elsewhere? Who's the dominant one? Do you dress-up in kinky costumes? We yaoi fangirls want to hear all the sordid details!

Dietrich: What the? No! We don't make out in bed or elsewhere! Don't you have anything better to do with your time? Go fly a kite or something! Next call!

Yaoi fangirl 2: Dietrich, is it true that you are secretly in love with Flamberg?

Dietrich: No way! I do NOT like men that way. I have a girlfriend back in Istvan and her name's Esther.

Yaoi fangirl 2: I kinda expected that from you but you can't expect us to believe you, do you? Do you, Isaak and Radu carry out a threesome behind Cain's back?

Dietrich: NO! (slams phone down) Next call!

Yaoi-fangirl 3: Di, I think you are in denial… I mean, the nights spent in Isaak's chambers…

Dietrich: NO! I am not and never call me Di. That's all for tonight! I am not receiving any more such calls from crazed fangirls! I am taking the next train to Venice for the carnival and finding myself some nice girls for a night of fun and excitement. This is Dietrich signing off and moving out!

Author's Notes:

Attack of the fangirls. Please read and review. I guess Di will be off the airways for a while.