Disclaimer: I do not own Trinity Blood or its characters.

Thanks for all the reviews and calls. Rating may up due to shameless innuendos, bad language and blasphemy(?) Any blasphemous views on the Church reflected in this parody are not mine, honest.

Dietrich is away. Isaak and Cain to host?

RCO Radio Hour

Session 12

Isaak: What? Di went to a Venetian casino and did what? (Bleep) Tell that no-good runt I am not going to settle those (bleeping-bleep) gambling debts he has racked up. He can work his sorry ass off polishing chips or something. No, I will not mind if you sell him off to the gay brothel down the road or the Venetian yaoi fangirls club. Good night! (hangs up call from Venice.) The nerve of that (bleep-bleep). And Flamberg is stuck on Imperial business too. Guess I should just go to the opera or something tonight…

Suzanne: Er, sorry to intrude, sir. You are on the air. And Master is on his way to co-host… And he wants some words with you…

Isaak: Thank you, Suzanne. (Cain enters) Good evening, my Lord. What have I done to deserve this rare pleasure of your august presence (delivered in a slightly mocking tone)

Cain: My feet are somewhere down the hallway. Suzanne, be a dear and fetch them so Isaak here can rectify some defects in my previous treatment. Are we on the air? Good. Where's Di?

Isaak: Racking up a huge gambling debt in some Venetian casino.

Cain: Oh, interesting. I suppose we are expected to bail him out? No, I think we'll let him stew for a while. Do read the news. I believe there's something up in Venice, beside Dietrich.

Isaak: Ja. Venetian authorities report an increase in violent crimes. There has been a twofold increase in murders, a threefold increase in rape, and in burglary, muggings and assault. Not very promising for a city set to receive his Holy Popey-ness, no? The city is throwing a bigger carnival party to celebrate the recovery of some dusty bones of some dead guy. Guess the party is a good excuse to sin and be merry. (snicker)

Cain: On the Vatican front, Cardinal Sofraz has left on her diplomatic tour of East Europe hurriedly after her brother suddenly took ill. Cardinal Francesco's doctors suspect he was suffering from food-poisoning from a gift of tea leaves from his sister. By the way, I am actively seeking out a certain silver-haired priest. Abel, if you are listening, I was a tad disappointed you got yourself K.O-ed by Isaak in that basilica and got laid up for a month. I am really hoping we can pick up where we left off 900 years ago… Have you been feeding well recently? Maybe I can send you a vintage of vampire blood… (looks meaningfully at Isaak) if you say please…

Isaak: (hurriedly changes topic) Dear listeners, it is time for you call in and seek assistance for your troubles. I am a trained professional counsellor with a degree in social services and psychology from the renowned Albion University.

Cain: Didn't you get expelled from there some years back?

General Zargon: Hey, it turns out that I didn't need to stage a bank robbery, because someone put a bomb in my house. I heard the bomb beeping and grabbed my fiance, dragged her out of the house, and managed to get far enough away from the house just as it exploded! Fortunately, my mother-in-law was coming up the walkway when it happened and now she'd pressuring me to move up the wedding date. Now me and my fiancée, soon-to-be-wife, are having a disagreement on which colour roses to use, I'm leaning towards the red roses but my fiancée says we should use the white ones to go with the dress. What colour do you think we should use?

Cain: White, definitely white. White is the colour of purity. I love white. When we are done killing off all humankind and burning this stinking planet, I want to have a nice white house with white fluffy rabbits I can blast to itty-bitty pieces whenever I feel like it, just like what I did to my brother's puppy then.

Isaak: Black. Black is classy. I like my red stuff in a glass and my white flesh in bed.

Cain: So you were doing Di all this while… I never thought you swing that way.

Isaak: What? (spluttering) I am NOT doing that brat! I pick up ladies from the opera and (realizes he has spilled the beans)… oh (bleep)

Cain: Isaak, after this we will have a nice chat about your one-night stands and those dead ladies that pop up in the morning on the street outside. Next call's coming in…

Firey-Moonlight: Torture was out of the question, though I think someone by the name of Mazda Kitsune dealt with the convict that turned my own partner against me. My regards to you if you are listening. Anyways, RCO, after the fiasco I returned home...to find my place trashed. Evidence that the Inquisition Squad was sent in, its one thing to get back at an individual convict, but how the heck does one get back at a whole army? Any ideas on this one?

Isaak: How quaint. Maybe we should start a support group for our listeners, seeing you are supporting each other.

Cain: If we have a couple of you, I think you may have a fighting chance against the army. Or maybe not.

Radu: (calls in using a voice-changing device) Allo? Ah'm juz some-un ye don't know calling in. Ya see, ah got this best chum and the blokes employing me want me to waste him. So bob, you see my little problem? Me bosses are gonna be mad at me if I don't waste me pal… You got any swell ideas, ja?

Isaak: Flamberg, drop the lousy accents. I can recognize your voice, even with that fancy gizmo. Quit the sentimentality and waste your chum as you so eloquently put it.

Radu: (Bleep) Goodbye. (Hangs up and makes note never ever to buy any more gadgets from Professor WWW's ebay site.)

Asta: Hello? You sound more intelligent than that host named Flamberg. I am hoping you will be able to help me with a sensitive issue.

Isaak: Fraulein, how may I assist you? Matters of the heart？If it is about matters of a feminine nature, I may get my female colleague…

Asta: Hardly. You see, my folks packed me off to Venice. And they set me up with a (bleep-bleeping) chaperon! It is carnival season for crying out loud! I can't drink, can't party and I'm so mad, I wanna kick butt. But my folks will flip if I kick my whiney chaperon's (bleep) butt.

Isaak: Go out on the street and kick the other party-goers' butts. If your care-taker objects, you could ask other folks to kick his butt on your behalf.

Lady Assassen27: Hello, how are you'll? So the little idiot left ... seems he thought I was going to kill him or something (laughs) I was going to actually. So well thanks Dietrich, for whatever to said to him, and to show my gratitude for getting the little pest to leave, I'll kill the next person for you free of charge.

Cain: Seth for dropping me from that space station. Send me her head when you're done.

Isaak: Only one? (fishes out a mile-long list) Let's see… I could start with my old college rival, Weenie Willie Wordsworth.

Suzanne: Dietrich. (storms in the studio waving a voodoo doll of Dietrich with pins sticking out of it) The little bastard stole my poor biplane to go to Venice and chopped it up for sale as spare parts!

Dietrich: (calling in) Hello? Are you guys going to bail me out? I need cash here.

All: In your dreams!

Isaak: Di, be creative. You should be able to figure this one out. That's all for tonight.

Auhtor's Notes:

Radu has no luck, has he? I hope you folks can make out what he was trying to ask Isaak. I used a mix of very different accents. Isaak and William did have some rivalry from their school-days in Albion U in the novel.