Disclaimer: I do not own Trinity Blood or its characters.

Thanks for all the reviews and calls. Rating may up due to shameless innuendos, bad language and blasphemy(?) Any blasphemous views on the Church reflected in this parody are not mine, honest.

I suppose if baking is one of the RCO's hobbies, Radu could be of use when the oven is out of order. Too bad Radu is not himself at the moment, so…

RCO Radio Hour

Session 14

Radu: Test-testing, one, two… Dear listeners. I am a shameless pervert who pinches women's undergarments and molests young blond boys. My IQ is so low because my mother had an affair with a flea-bitten mutt. I stink like a pig-pen and I…

Isaak: Dietrich, quit playing ventriloquist and get over here. We are short-handed and I am not doing this show with a puppet!

Dietrich: Phooey. (shoves Radu-puppet into a broom closet) How'd you rate his voice?

Isaak: Passable. Patch up those nasty burns. He's falling apart worse than Mein Herr.

Dietrich: It's mighty inconsiderate of him to get toasted like that. His vital signs are stable for now. Normally I would like to kill him and get it over with, but you know he wouldn't keep in this heat, unless of course, you didn't mind helping me with…

Isaak: Shut up, boy, and get us on air. Good evening all. Please kindly forgive my co-host for his shenanigans, even if I wouldn't (sets shadow demons to savaging Dietrich) Sic him. Playing with corpses, or near-corpses, is so vulgar… (Runs video-cam)

Dietrich: Argh! Get them off me! Get them off! Not the pants! NO! ARGH!

Isaak: You will get a cut of the profits from this video, Di. Enough to cover those medical bills when we're done. So scream for the cameras. We'll release this under the title, 'Rampage of the Shadows' (More screams and curses from Dietrich) We may have to cut out the more explicit bits.

Cain: (entering) Filming again? Having your shadow minions rough him up this time, are we? And on air too. Ah well, you will star as a corpse in the next RCO production unless you get back to work. (Raises arm towards Isaak)

Isaak: Yes, my Lord. (Cough and dismisses his minions) Dear all, now for the news...

Cain: Good boy. (Confiscates tapes) I don't want any complaints from the censorship board. Blasting the last lot who tried to cancel our broadcast license is so messy… (leaves)

Isaak: In Cartago, the official sources suspect a terrorist attack on the Vatican embassy when a massive explosion occurred on its doorstep. Another theory is a mutiny in the Inquisition ranks. This will not be the first time we have dissents in the Church. Also, Inquissie air ships ran riot over the city before exploding. Faulty equipment is suspect… (Sneaks a peek to make sure Cain is out of earshot) Drat! There goes my biggest shot at the Oscars.

Dietrich: You? How about me? I'm the one who needs medical help here… (limps to his feet)

Isaak: Watch it. We don't want you bleeding on the carpet. This place is a rental after all. Back to the news. Military law has been lifted from Cartago with the withdrawal of Inquisition forces. Still, Cartagians are expected to remain firmly under Vatican control despite recent advances in their path towards independence from the Church. The city has been under self rule before the recent fiasco with the cardinal's diplomatic jaunt. The recent Cartago Council had an near-overwhelming vote in favour of the withdrawal of all Vatican control.

Dietrich: Of course, we all know the Holy Church rarely encourages freedom. I suspect the Duchess' stop in the free city has to do more with sampling sin than diplomatic duties.

Isaak: Unconfirmed rumours allege that the Duchess of Milan, Cardinal Caterina has met secretly with a youthful blond member of the Cartago Council known to support Vatican involvement in the city. Pro-Vatican parties in Cartago insist that the Vatican is an essential stabilizing force in the volatile region. Conservative party leader Emir Saladin accused fellow councillor Benjamin al-Shalom of betraying the Council by holding secret negotiations with the cardinal. Allegations which al-Shalom has steadfastly denied.

Dietrich: Politics are so murky, don't you think so? Maybe this al-Shalom was the cardinal's mystery lover. He is blond and girlish-looking…

Isaak: (murmuring) Look who's talking.

Dietrich: What say we take a break from speculating who has been crawling under the Duchess' skirts and other filthy politics and get to our favourite part of the programme? Callers, you may call in.

Slothspieller: Dietrich, you're my role model! Since you proclaimed that there can only be one Marionettespieller, how do you feel about the existence of a Slothspieller? Even if you can bake cookies, I can make TORTILLAS!

Dietrich: Gee, thanks… I think… I don't mind a Slothspieller out there, so long as you don't try muscling on my post in the Orden. (Isaak makes gagging sound in the background)

Devil-Angel: Oh, my God, I am SO honoured, Di, really, I am. I get to be on a list with my dear Flamberg! (hearts) And I really don't mind being tortured by you, if you know what I mean... Hohoho... Are you sure you can bake, Di? We could have a competition, mwahahaha! I bet I'll so own you! And Isaak, what doom are you bringing my Radu to? Dietrich, if you're helping Isaak to kill Radu, I just might attack you! And can somebody give me a video of Di getting tortured and maimed by Reiz?

Isaak: A minor correction here. WE provided Flamberg with all the know-how and gizmos to get the job done and he still blew it big-time. We are not responsible for him being a wimp about killing his ex-best pal. By the way, Mein Herr has posted those videos on the Orden's website for public viewing.

Dietrich: Dear caller, torturing you will definitely make my day. (Yells at Isaak) Isaak! You promised to get rid of those tapes. (lashes out with wires)

Isaak: Trust me, Di. You don't want to make me mad… (starts summoning Arrow of Belial lightning ball)

MazdaKitsune: Dietrich! Hey, Di! Guess what? I think I saw you in Istvan before! Lemme see... (sound of pages flipping) Um, yeah, if I'm not wrong... you have, er... a nice feminine face and really soft brown hair… and you were wearing a nun's outfit... It says here in a note that came with the picture. A long, black haired man passed it to me for some reason... Why were you wearing a nun's outfit? (Stares hard at the picture)

Isaak: I got it off the Orden's public website. The number of hits on our site went through the roof once that was posted.

Dietrich: (Bleeping) holy cow! Who posted a photoshopped picture of me in that? I'm going to take that off right away. (leaves the room. Muffled laughing coming from closet where Radu's currently stashed)

LadyAssassen27: I know I was supposed to be killing a certain Professor, but said professor has a gunslinging android as a bodyguard, and getting shot with silver bullets is not my cup of tea. Anyway, i've been feeling kind of lonely lately, I guess being an Assassin, does have its down side ... know where I can find some intelligent company that I wouldn't want to kill?

Isaak: Ma'am, we all get lonely at times. If you happen to be in Munich anytime next week, perhaps we can enjoy an evening of Wagner's Dies Valkyries. Then after the opera, I am sure we can find a nice cosy corner to discuss the permanent removal of an annoying twerp of a priest and recruiting that said android for our own twisted purposes.

Emir Saladin: You chaps are dead-on regarding the Vatican's greedy designs on our land. I am sure that reformist twerp al-Shalom or his bitchy cousin has been meeting with the enemy! My followers have been getting a tad aggressive and are calling to lynch the al-Shaloms. Should I allow them to vent their emotions? Or should I urge restraint? I don't think the Council should be breaking up at this crucial time…

Isaak: Look here. This is a crucial time, isn't it? Don't you want to make a contribution to the removal of Vatican influences in Cartago? Especially since rumours have it the al-Shaloms have sold you out to the church?

Emir Saladin: They did what? Well, my warriors, let's go to war with those dogs for freedom! (Roars of approval and war-cries)

Dietrich: Hey, Isaak, I have just received news that someone lynched the cousin of the Reformist party leader in Cartago. So her cousin firebombs his political rival's family home. There are riots in the streets and stuff! Cool! And Suzanne reports a huge sandstorm headed for Cartago. But listen to this, no one cares because they are too busy killing each other.

Isaak: There goes the Middle East. You are enjoying this, aren't you, my little ghoul?

Dietrich: Naturally. That's all for tonight, I wanna get me some souvenirs before the sandstorm hits… (runs out)

Isaak: Goodnight, listeners. I must ready our airship to leave.

Author's Notes:

Dietrich is such a ghoul. Playing with poor Radu. At least Radu got his back with the photoshop. Some lucky caller has received an invitation to the opera from Panzer Magier. I appear to have given Isaak a fondness for opera and classical music in this particular fic.