Disclaimer: I do not own Trinity Blood or its characters.

Thanks for all the reviews and calls. Rating may up due to shameless innuendos, bad language and blasphemy(?) Any blasphemous views on the Church reflected in this parody are not mine, honest.

Look out for college insults on the airwaves and imperial scandals galore. And a cardinal calls in…

RCO Radio Hour

Session 17

Cain: Dear listeners, welcome to another episode of RCO Radio Hour. On with the news, Isaak…

Isaak: Yes, my Lord. First, our top story. The Yeniceri has issued a warrant of arrest for Ion Fortuna, preferably alive so he can be subjected to the tender mercies of the Imperial torturer. The Count of Memphis is expected to be stripped of his title if proved that he has been implicated in his grandmother's death and the deaths of various servants. Duke Baybars of the Yeniceri is considering adding an additional charge of resisting arrest. Fortuna's former partner, the Baron of Luxor has brought forward more tantalisingly scandalous allegations of high treason and sleeping with the enemy… More scandals in the Imperial court, a certain blond duchess is alleged to be involved romantically with her new servant, a bespectacled, silver-haired man. The lady's name is Asran…

Asta's mother: (calling in) I wish to clarify that there is no such thing! (Radu/ Di chuckling in the background) My children have enough common sense not to get tangled up with Terran or Terran-lovers. Desist from spreading such lies about my girls, or else!

Cain: (hangs up phone) Whatever. It's like saying the Inquisition does not hunt heretics. I hear the Asran women are very liberal in their affairs… I'm bored. Carry on while I head up to blast a couple of rare bird species into extinction… (floats out)

Isaak: The Byzantium annual Roof Race has turned up a surprise winner, a young girl named Augusta. The surprise result is probably due to the fact the other competitors are too busy trying to bump each other off… On the Vatican front, a random poll has proven that 75 percent of the citizens of Rome find the Inquisition's constant meddling in their lives a bother. This is the top gripe of the Holy City. A similar poll also showed that 80 percent find the Pope a wimp. 95 percent feel that letting Cardinals Caterina and Francesco have a fight to the death would bring a lasting peace to the Holy City until the Pope croaks and the Papal throne is up for grabs.

William: (Calling in) Old chap, as usual, your figures are off. No surprise since you flunked Statistics. My data shows that the top gripe at 90 percent is having the likes of you muddying up the waters where it is not wanted. The Inquisition army scores a close 70 percent.

Isaak: Well, well, if it isn't Weenie Willie Weiner... Still crying over getting expelled? Or losing your darling Rosie?

William: The name's William Walter Wordsworth. And at least I completed my Ph.D. in the University of Rome. And leave Rosamund out of this!

Isaak: Albionian education is so over-rated. So when are you going to do me a favour by smoking yourself into lung cancer? Oh, let me tell you… your fiancée was great in the hay. Don't tell me you haven't done her in the two years of your engagement. No small wonder, Weenie Weiner, from what I recall of your limited package in the gym showers…

William: Why you (bleep) liar! She'll never have anything to do with you. (Slams phone down)

Isaak: The line is now open for you to call in.

Firey-Moonlight: Life has been busy, trying to adjust to normal life after you've lived one of rogue companions and messing with Inquisition knights can be difficult. Given the chance I wouldn't, but my pa died and the children are now fighting over assents. While I'll like nothing more then to just kill them all, almost everyone knows I am most suspicious and if anyone dies I'm to blame, therefore no assets for me. Any brilliant ideas?

Isaak: I always believe one should capitalize on one's strong points. Ever considered a career or a hobby as an assassin?

Icequeen: Evening all; Isaak, did you ever receive those photos I sent you? I hope you don't mind, but I sent them into a modeling agency, and they're interested in having you do some work for them. Think of it as fanservice/an RCO recruitment drive. The Opera 'Carmen' will be on in Albion soon. Interested in meeting up?

Isaak: HA! Top that, Willie! I don't suppose anyone has approached you for a modelling stint! I have received those photos, thank you. However, I would advise against making any plans for activities in Albion in the near future.

Devil-Angel: Hey, Isaak, which do you think is better. Blood red or wine red? I'm preparing for this party I'm going to in The Empire. I don't know what party it is though but I think it has something to do with the Empress. Ah, well... And why is Di always busy somewhere? Can someone tell him to stop dropping random AutoJaggers everywhere? They keep popping up around here and eating people alive. I can't sleep at night with all the screaming.

Isaak: I prefer a rich wine red personally. However, if you intend to spill blood on your garments, I suggest blood red to hide the stains…

Dietrich: Why am I always busy? (comes into room) Because there are too many people's minds I can screw up big-time in these parts. I will be refraining from losing my AutoJaggers as I am a tad short of time to manufacture more. Let's see… mess about with the Suleyman household, check… (starts plotting on terrorizing various nobles)

Dragonluv13: I would love to get my cat fixed, declawed, etc, but I am presently having some money issues. Do you happen to know of any jobs in Byzantium I could do? Or should I just ditch the cat in a forest somewhere?

Dietrich Just dump the critter in the Byzantium Rare Bird Sanctuary

Francesco: I suspect my sneaky sister is colluding with the enemy. How can I straighten her out without setting loose a barrage of missiles from my Inquisition fleet on her offices and possibly razing the city to the ground?

Dietrich: Amazing you took so long to figure that she is tangoing with vampires. If your churchman brain is advanced enough to understand, I advise you to just raze the bloody city. By the way, do you know we are a mainly vampire outfit? Hello? Guess he hung up on us… Next call!

Mazda Kitsune: Dear Di, Issak told me to keep the Auto-Jaggers, but since I had done my part of destruction in cranky don't-wake-me-up-in-the-middle-of-the-night mode, I figured I might as well finish what I started, because I don't have room for a dozen animated puppets in my house. But I kept two for fun... Anyway, it's interesting how these things work... they seem to have a weird reaction to classical music... I wonder why.

Dietrich: Ah, those must be Isaak's family. The von Kampfers always had a musical streak…

Isaak: Di, you told me you returned my family members to their eternal rest… (Summons shadow demons) Sic him.

Dietrich: I was joking! NO! Argh! (Screams as shadow demons savage him, scrambles out of the bunker)

Assassin's Sister: Um hello, I'm visiting my sister, and I discovered this show was what her radio was tuned to ... and it scares me a little, actually my sis has been scaring me to, first of all she has a whole room full of weapons, secondly her laundry is full of blood stained clothes, do you think she's a serial killer of some sort?? Coz if she is I think she'll definitely kill me as well, coz my folks sent me to tell her that they've found someone they want her to marry, so they can elevate their status, please give me advice on how to tell her this!

Isaak: Are you hanging around? If you still intend to talk to her, I can refer you to Dietrich as spare parts…

Asta: Dear Isaak, do you have any (bleeping) idea where one Radu Barvon is? He's making me look bad by hurting my foster charge! Do you have any idea how hard it is to get on the adoption list hereabouts? I had just managed to convince the (bleep) committee that having a full-grown Siberian tigress as a house pet does not pose any danger to children and now this! Since I can't get a man to father my child, I thought I would adopt…

Isaak: Lady, if adoption fails, you could always snatch a kid from the streets.

Asta What? You would incite crime? You (bleep-bleep) burn in hell! (SLAM!)

Isaak: Next… (looks at knocking on bunker door) Oh, the take-away must be here… (Opens door and is surprised to find a blond Methuselah noblewoman there with a large lion pride) What the…

Asta's mother: Simba, sic him! That'll teach you to insult us Asrans!

Isaak: No! (Gets mauled) Argh! Lemme go!

Author's Notes:

The only reason the committee accepted the notion a tigress is a good house pet is because Asta told them so nicely with her spear. Yes, I let the Asran womenfolk be a scary bunch in this fic.