Disclaimer: I do not own Trinity Blood or its characters.
Thanks for all the reviews and calls. Rating may up due to shameless innuendos, bad language and blasphemy(?) Any blasphemous views on the Church reflected in this parody are not mine, honest.
More treason and court intrigues afoot. The RCO loves to muddy up the waters.
RCO Radio Hour
Session 18
Suleyman's daughter: (on the phone) You (bleep) frauds! Because of your half-baked plan, both my brainless fiancé and my poor Papa are dead! And our family's getting exiled to Central Siberia. I'm gonna (bleep) have your hide!
Dietrich: Lady, we included the exemption clause in the contract. We are not responsible for any deaths, imprisonment or exile arising from following our proposals for treason. Good bye. (hangs up) Now it time for another RCO…
Isaak: Dietrich von Lohengrin, I hear you failed, again! How did you manage to utterly screw up such a simple plan? All because of your dear Esther… If you hadn't found it necessary to play with your little girl-friend and that blond brat…
Cain: (calling in) Isaak, Dietrich, get on with the show. Slaughter each other after that! Di, screw up one more time and you will be toast. (hangs up)
Dietrich: Think Mein Herr means it?
Isaak: Ooo, definitely. Here's the latest news. The Empress is alive. The Head of the Imperial Secret Service, Duchess of Moldova, is alive too. Her grandson, the Count of Memphis, has been cleared f all charges of murder and treason… All rebels implicated in this latest attempt on Her August Majesty have been arrested or killed by the Yeniceri. The ringleader, Duke Suleyman, was killed while resisting arrest. The Duchess of Kiev has been nominated as ambassador-at-large. The Imperial court will be sending an envoy to Rome in the first official diplomatic visit to the city in the last 900 years. (wince)
Dietrich: Ja, we are so totally screwed. But on lighter side, the Queen of Albion has been getting worse. And her people are getting a tad restless. Suppose Duke Ludwig's next in line?
Duke Erin: (calling in) I am the next in line as her second cousin. That Ludwig is only a bastard on some traitor's side of the family. I would like to hire your services to remove his ill-placed ambitions… Will you be interested?
Dietrich: My, my… Let's take this discussion off the air. Over to you, Isaak… (transfers the call to a separate line and leaves studio)
Suzanne: (calling from outside the studio) Sir, I got Herr Ludwig on the line. He would be interested in meeting our representative tomorrow night to discuss getting his hands on a crown. Will eight o'clock be good?
Isaak: Ja. And we should have enough funds to build our battleship. Now you listeners may call in…
PikaCheeka: Anyway, Isaak, does your relationship with Di in ANY way involve pederasty? Some of the comments you two make are very...peculiar. You did snatch him up from the streets, after all. And have you ever played the harpsichord?
Isaak: It may be of interest to you to know that I don't play the harpsichord as my folks schooled me in the organ and violin as soon as I started walking. As for Di, I took him in off the streets to save him from having to beg or whore himself. I am still regretting that ill-conceived act of charity to this day.
Firey-Moonlight: The only reason I've been fooling around with Inquisition Knights before was mostly because I was involved in a plot to 'overthrow' one of the Cardinals. The craziness that ensured afterwards with Knights chasing after me and my partner's betrayal ensured some second thoughts. Anyways, apparently one of my siblings DID die and like I said in the last call, everyone's blaming me. Gah, the court case is coming up and the last thing I need is lawyers questioning my background! What should I do?!
Isaak: My, my… I would suggest moving far, far away from those lawyers. How does Albion sound? With luck, you'll be able to get a new identity…after everything blows over. In fact, we can offer you our New-life package, including forged documents and identity papers, all for the reasonable price of 500 dinas. Just go to our RCO website and check it out. For an additional 25 dinas, Suzanne will deliver it right to your door.
General Zargon: Hey, anyone there know how to disarm an atomic bomb in under five minutes? I'm having a bit of a problem here, my sister-in-law is apparently holding a grudge from that one time I spilled pudding on her white dress...Anyway, any suggestions for disarming the bomb, or surviving if it detonates? (Electronic voice in the background: "You have five second until detonation, have a nice day.") Uh, help?
Isaak: Sorry, our technical person, namely Dietrich, is busy. Please call back later…
Dietrich: (returning) Isaak, I got that Duke on a string so to speak. Will you be available on next Tuesday? Or we could always…
Vanessa: (calling) Dear Dietrich, my brother is a (bleep-blepp-BLEEP) who wants to keep me stifled in this helluva hole! I wanna go out and swing with all the cool cats of the Londinium pub district. Can you believe he has me grounded just because I thrashed some (bleep-bleep) on my last visit Above? Thank goodness we can still pick up your show where we're all stuck. (Butler's voice in background: Lady Vanessa… please be reasonable...) I am being reasonable! (hurls flower vase across room)
Dietrich: Miss Vanessa, I will be honoured to drop by your place personally to help you. Perhaps you may show me the bright night-lights of your world… Will Friday night be good?
Vanessa: I suppose that's cool by me. I know a cool joint called the Hellfire Club in Soho. I suppose we can meet there about midnight-ish when my bro's stuck on the factory night shift. Ta-ta.
MazdaKitsune: I have a problem... see, there's this girl that I know, and she THINKS I'm her "friend", when in reality she's an irritating, annoying, arrogant (bleep) with a serious attitude problem. Her laugh makes me irritated, and she has a weird habit of crossing her eyes and baring her fangs to me just to make me go mad. Help! What can I do? She steals my earphones from me and uses them as if they were hers! And mind you, I have my favourite Tchaikovsky in that thing. She deleted the lot and filled it with rock music! Got any ideas on my problem?
Isaak: You know, I had a similar problem with one little puppeteer. It took me about three years of setting my shadow minions on him before he learns not to touch my violin. I suspect your little irritant is a little allergic to sunlight, so I would recommend blasting her with a sun lamp and top it off with silver bullets. That should keep her hands off your property permanently.
Icequeen: Isaak, you were right not to go to 'Carmen', can you say Wash out? Honestly! I've heard parrots sing sweeter than their lead soprano! I hope that lion didn't mar your pretty face too much, it could hurt your modelling career/fan-popularity. If you want me to go after the blonde bitch just say the word and her head is yours. And a question for all you darlings of sin, if you could do one of the Vatican priests, which one?
Dietrich: Isaak, I never pegged you for a cat person. Did those meanie lions hurt you? I really thought that lady was the pizza delivery. As for the record, I would love to do Esther… not a priest.
Isaak: So you directed her and her feline friends to me… Listener, just kill this idiot for me. (murmuring) It would be very satisfying doing that blond lunatic's brother to get back at him, except Mein Herr will probably kill me afterwards… so I'll pass.
Cain: (drifts in) Did someone call me?
Isaak and Dietrich: No, sir.
Rabidfangirl: Isaak! Where do you get your hair done? It's stunning! And what's all these 'rumours' I've been hearing about you and Caterina Sforza? Isn't she a bit... religious for you? And the weird family... Di-chan is much more convenient. Love for Cain too! You are the smexiness!! Your brother is cute too, in a lost-puppy sort of way, but we all know who got the looks AND the brains of the family.
Cain: Hello? I thought we all agreed to keep off those fangirls? And what's this about you and a cardinal?
Isaak: A bad connection, sir. I crossed paths with that cardinal on the opera fan site and we started chatting. I dropped her the minute she told me she's a church-person. No chance of me getting her to join me for a post-opera drink… By the way, girl, I do my own hair with Reiz's help.
Cain: Oh, one more thing, keep away from MY Abel.
Abel: (calling in) Cain, you sick pervert. I am not your Abel. Leave my friends alone, leave Seth alone, leave Seth's people alone… In fact, leave the world alone!
Cain: Dear, dear Abel… still in denial… Wanna meet up and settle this once and for all?
Abel: With pleasure… (Esther's voice in the background: Father! The train is leaving!) Wait up, Esther! Wait for me!!! (hang up)
Cain: I guess I'll go out now… (leaves)
LadyAssassin27: Hello all! Well sister dear found out a bit too much, so I can't let her go back to mommy and daddy, so Dietrich, would you like a new AutoJagger? I'm leaving my dear sis in a box for you in Wolfburg, (back ground voice) I'm your sister, doesn't that mean anything ... (hits box) SHUT UP!! (voice) please don't kill me. Like I was saying, keep her if you want, I have to warn you she's as annoying as hell though, maybe that will go away if she's a mindless corpse. By the way Isaak, just out of curiosity, why do you not like Dietrich making AutoJaggers out of your family members?
Dietrich: Goody! I can't wait! Do you mind actually killing her first? It's so difficult to mess about with their innards when they are screaming and kicking.
Isaak: I may not actually like my family all that much, but I sure not having some sick Terran yanking out my late father's guts or screwing my sister's corpse. And I don't appreciate waking up to my mother's assorted body parts on my bed.
Dietrich: And it is alright for you to screw your sis when she's alive? I can't really blame you. She's a beauty even when she's dead.
Isaak: Di… Unlike you, I am not perverted enough to contemplate incest…
Dragonluv13: so...sob... I got rid of the cat and (hic) she came back! So then I tried taking it to an animal shelter, but somehow it got out! Then, I dumped it on a church's doorstep, but it still came back... Please, I'm begging you take it! Let it maul Isaak for all I care, just get it away from me!(rerw) please...
Isaak: Send in the cat to Cain (looks out warily to booms from Cain blasting stuff outside) before he decides to blast us out of existence. (2 brown-haired pre-teen identical twins enter the room)
Dietrich: Hey, who let you two kids in here?
Ivan: Ah, you must be Herr Isaak's midnight snack.
Dietrich: Midnight snack?
Dimitri: Hello. You must the one they call the Puppeteer Dietrich. I'm Dimitri and this is my elder brother Ivan. Nice to meet you. (shakes Di's hand) Thank you for putting us up now poor Mama is dead, Herr Isaak.
Dietrich: Go (bleep) off. (to Isaak) Are you sure you don't have a fetish for brown-haired little boys, Isaak?
Isaak: Don't you dare ask how I got saddled with these two. (shudder) Why don't you boys go out and frolic in the sun while you still can? (muttering) May you also turn while you are at it.
Dimitri and Ivan: Yes, sir! (scamper out)
Suzanne: Sir! We are losing the airwaves… there's some problem with the broadcast antennae…
(Outside, the twins are dismantling the antennae bit-by-bit by the setting sun…)
(Static)
Author's Notes:
I just realized that the RCO Radio Hour will be severely understaffed shortly with the Albion arc coming up. Therefore, I took the liberty of introducing 2 of my own characters in this session: Ivan and Dimitri from my Star of Hope fanfic. A little physical description of the twins: blue eyes and brown hair, aged about 12. They have not turned yet. Yes. They will be terrors…