Disclaimer: I do not own Trinity Blood or its characters.
Rating may up due to shameless innuendos, bad language and blasphemy(?) Any blasphemous views on the Church reflected in this parody are not mine, honest.
By the way, Suleyman's daughter is an OC in this fic, unrelated to my other fics. I don't think I will be introducing any more OCs from the Star of Hope fics apart from the twins.
RCO Radio Hour
Session 19
Isaak: How the hell did I end up with you? (stares at Ivan and Dimitri, who happen to be in the midst of burning his books in the fireplace)
Dimitri: Let's see… Ah yes, your little plot to set our soon-to-be stepfather up as puppet Emperor got shot to hell with silver buckshot. Our poor mama committed suicide from the disgrace of falling for such an idiot. And we got talent-spotted by the RCO's Mein Herr while we're trying to get Nanny to fit in that arrow chest. We had to take a bit off the top to get her to fit.
Ivan: Then we tossed the extra bits in the lake and buried the chest under the pine tree. Rest in peace, old witch of a nanny.
Cain: You must have bad karma from a past life, Isaak. Here, lads, burn that other shelf as well.
Ivan: Sure! One Karl Marx, one first edition Charles Dickens and Hitler's original Mein Kampf… (dumps all on the fire) Look on the bright side, Isaak. Dietrich is away at the Londinium puppet theatre. Or I will be getting back at him for that huge wedgie he did on us.
Cain: Ah, it is almost time for the RCO Radio Hour. And you, Isaak, will host this show with the twins. Enjoy.
Isaak: Wait! You can't be serious! (Cain leaves)
Ivan: Good evening all listeners.
Dimitri: Welcome to RCO Radio Hour. First, we bring you a message from a certain puppeteer who says he'll strangle us with his puppet strings if we don't announce it. Dietrich von Lohengrin, Dexter Butler or Dieter Longman, will be holding a puppet show at the Londinium Royal Puppet Theatre this weekend. He will be presenting the X-rated version of Sleeping Beauty featuring various members of Isaak's late family.
Ivan: Ah, yes. He made us sit through the dress rehearsal… It was an eye-opening experience given the sexy moves by Isaak's sister. Dimitri, you were lighting up like Rudolph's nose throughout.
Dimitri: You were wolf-whistling at her nude scene and cheering at the bloody massacre bits. Weaker children could be irreparably damaged. Personally, I think we are a tad underage… or maybe not… Any Albionian child welfare groups listening on this, do you think it is time to lynch this Dieter Longman guy for corrupting children? His address is at…
Isaak: Dietrich… If I ever get my hands on your scrawny neck… (mimes wringing a chicken's neck) For the hundredth time, leave my family out of your perverted puppet games! (cough) Now for the news. Westminster has announced the death of Queen Brigit II of Albion. The Queen passed away in the presence of her long-time friend, Count Virgil Walsh of Manchester.
Ivan: Maybe he helped her on her way. I mean. Just like we helped our last Papa on his way…
Dimitri: Ivan, Mama says we are not to tell anyone about the seven bodies we have buried in her rose garden. Anyways,
Isaak: Will you two let me get back to the news, I am sure our listeners don't want to know what grows in your mother's rose gardens. In a rare move, Westminster has invited his holy Rabbit-ness to preside over the funeral by bribing him with Godiva chocolates and his siblings with expensive luxury gifts. However, Cardinal Caterina declined to attend when she discovered the gift of a Burberry's coat was a cheap imitation from China.
Ivan: Herr Isaak, phone call (passes Isaak phone)
Rabidfangirl: SQUE!! CAIN ACKNOWLEGED ME! I'm so happy! Many hugs for the smexiness that is Cain!! Where can I sign up to join the RCO?
Isaak: What did I say about forwarding me phone calls from crazed fangirls? (bonks both twins on the head with phone receiver) Duke Ludwig has arrived in Dover with eighteen regiments, and was met with spirited resistance from the locals under the impression that the Nazis have landed and were going to rape their women and slaughter their children. By the time tempers have cooled and the misunderstanding sorted out, the Germans were treated to the hospitality of the local medical facility and morgue. Duke Ludwig escaped with minor lacerations from a farm dog's bite and is demanding an explanation. The skirmish was traced to a single prank call made to the local army barracks from a payphone in Berlin… (looks suspiciously at Dimitri, who is flipping through an Albionian phone directory)
Dimitri: Who? Me? Er, by the way, did Suzanne call regarding a little trouble up off the Irish coast?
Isaak: What do you know, there was an incident of mistaken identity when Duke Erin's personal yacht was fired upon and detained by the Albionian navy acting on an anonymous tip…
Ivan: I'm so proud of my little brother… (hugs Dimitri) The master of prank-calling and misdirection… (Yanks his hair) Except I am your elder bro! Stop showing me up!
Dimitri: Stop it! (the twins start pulling each other's hair and clothes, rolling about on the floor) I dare you to call in the Vatican Bureau of Inquisition and accuse the Pope and the Inquisition captain of witchcraft! Call in! Call in! (Isaak kicks both boys out his study and locks the door)
Isaak: Ah, peace and quiet at last (light up a cigarette. Phone rings for call in segment) Damn! Hello? (picks up the phone)
Falcon-Jade-Darkness: Albion isn't the only place being restless about its unclear successor to the throne. Here we have a constitutional monarchy, so the heir doesn't matter all to much, its the coming up election. There's these two parties who are going all out in getting the votes, and they're using bribery and blackmail like mad. My job is to make sure elections are fair but there's so much trouble happening here I don't know where to start, help?
Isaak: Obviously no one felt you were important enough to bribe, so that's why you are calling in. If anyone asks, just say the elections are fair as far as politics go, since politics is a dirty job anyway. If riots and assassinations start, you may wish to consider leaving your country for good. See no evil, hear no evil, no? (pours himself a glass o red wine and settles down in armchair)
BOOM! (Study door gets blasted in, knocking all remaining books off shelves, breaking all windows and knocking Isaak backwards into wall.)
Isaak: What the (bleep)? (faints)
Ivan: (coming in with Dimitri and an Automaid with a smoking bazooka) Herr Isaak, look what we found in the basement! A mechanical Killer-Lolita series Automaid. The bazooka still works!
MazdaKitsune: Problems, problems... I don't even know why I have friends. Or at least I don't know why I have irritating friends. So I admit, I'm a party animal who likes to dance and let loose, maybe bite a few Terrans in between for a snack. This girl that I know comes up to me one day, and asks me to teach her to dance, as in clubbing dancing. Everyone that knows her hates her, and she's the most... compulsive person I've ever met. Heck, she wears sunscreen in case any of us tries to murder her with sunlight, which, by the way, we tried. She's an ugly, high-waisted (bleep) with the fashion sense of the pilgrims, and I so WANT to get her off my back!
Ivan: What's wrong with pilgrim chic? I like those clergy robes…
Dimitri: Tried knocking her over the head yet and tossing her in the piranha tank? I did that to that annoying neighbour's kid and I haven't heard a peep from her since.
LadyAssassin27: Hey evil people! Phew has it been a long week, I mean the job offers keep on coming in, I never thought there'd be a time when I might have to turn down jobs, but that's all fine, except there's this one (bleep) idiot that keeps calling, and asking me what I'm wearing, do you perhaps have anything sort of technology that can tell be who's calling and their exact location, so I can kill this idiot.
Dimitri: Evil? (goes teary-eyed)
Ivan: (acting innocent) So… what are you wearing? I find nuns' habits hot…
Dimitri: Ivan, I hate to bring this up, but weren't you the one calling her using the Orden's phone?
Ivan: Shaddup, smart aleck baby brother! (Grabs letter-opener and stabs Dimitri in the wrist) Where was I? Right, Frenchie maid costumes are sexy too… Hello? I think she hung up. How rude.
(Dimitri is reconnecting phone line he unplugged earlier.)
Icequeen: Greetings people! Isaak... you know how I said I'd bring you the blonde bitch's head? Well I HAVE it, but I can't seem to detach it. Axes and chainsaws just... keep bouncing off. Any clues?
Dimitri: Sorry, Herr Isaak is still out of it… but if you are referring to the finer points of removing a Methuselah's noggin, Try silver. But I think it is too crude beheading folks… I wouldn't really recommend it unless really, really necessary…
Ivan: That's what you think. (holding a battle axe poised over Isaak)
Isaak: (wakes up and sees the axe) You little ingrate… (summons shadow demons to pin both Ivan and Dimitri to the bookshelves) I'll deal with you two later… (gags both with their ties)
Iceprincess: Mr Von Kampfer, I have a bone to pick with you. I'm staying at my sister's house and today when I was bringing the washing in I found a pair of... very interesting underpants with I. F Von K embroidered on what little material they consist of. Can you explain how a pair of YOUR panties ended up in MY SISTER'S washing? And don't pass the 'exchanging tokens of favour' line. NO ONE gives panties!!
Isaak: Ah, so that's where I left my throngs. Your sister, she's such a filly in bed. Which was probably why I let her live… She can keep those throngs as a memento of our one-night stand.
Slothspieller: Greetings, I have a question for Isaak. There has been much speculation about your actual background. Is it true that you're originally from a trailer park in Guangzhou, China? Also, is it your Methuselah regenerative abilities allow you to stay so healthy and good looking even though you're a chain smoker and heavy drinker? Just curious!
Isaak: What can I say? I was not born in a trailer park. I'm a direct descendent of European and Egyptian royalty… And I have my Methuselah bloodline to thank for my vibrant good looks and health.
Ivan: (spitting out gag) Liar, liar, pants on fire. We are descended from the Romanovs of Imperial Russia and we don't have you on the family tree. In fact, our direct ancestress is the Grand Duchess Anastasia, so our mother says.
Isaak: Little boys should never lie to their betters.
Dimitri: (spitting out his gag) Herr Isaak, can you please let me down? I really need to use the boy's room…
Ivan: I think Herr Isaak's Jewish. You have some parts missing down south. Herr Dietrich told us you suffered an accident during your mmf! Mff! (Isaak rams Ivan's tie down his throat)
Isaak: Dietrich! What nonsense have you been filling these little numbskulls with?!
Dimitri: I really NEED to go! Child Welfare! Cruel and unusual punishment being inflicted on a minor here! HELP! (squirming about)
Isaak: Then go! (releases the twins) Why is my Persian carpet wet?
Dimitri: Sorry, Herr Isaak… (looking guilty)
Isaak: GET OUT OF MY STUDY! You two are going to catch the next train out of Berlin!
Dietrich: (calling in) Isaak, how are you enjoying the company of the twins? They're the sweetest angels, no? (smirk)
Isaak: Dietrich! They are just like you, no angels! Gak! They're worse than you were at that age! You are going to put them up at your place in Londinium. No arguments!
Dietrich: What? You don't expect me to babysit! Aren't you due to come over here anyway?
Author's Notes:
Perverted puppet shows featuring zombies by Di. Isaak and Dietrich are poor guardians, aren't they? Vote-time! Which of the twins do you think is the better RCO recruit? Which one is better at ruffling Isaak? Ivan or Dimitri?
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