Disclaimer: I do not own Trinity Blood or its characters.

Rating may up due to shameless innuendos, bad language and blasphemy(?) Any blasphemous views on the Church reflected in this parody are not mine, honest.

Connection problems again… Sigh. For some reason, I'm plagued by them. Last appearance by Dietrich here. We all know he gets killed about here by Cain, if the Albionian Child Welfare don't nail him for child corruption first.

RCO Radio Hour

Session 20

Dietrich: If I weren't too busy fleeing from a lynch mob of angry parents and grandparents, I would find the fact we are seeking sanctuary in Manchester Cathedral disguised as choir boys highly ironic. Now I know why Suzanne needed 3 bottles of brandy to fortify herself after the plane trip. And Isaak dumped you on me. You two stay here and…

Dimitri: Fraulein Suzanne, thanks for letting us ride with you in your Lancaster bomber. We are sorry we landed it in the Thames. Oops, someone coming…

Count Virgil: (stepping up to the altar and past our trio of fake choir boys) Our Father in Heaven… please give me patience not to kill my no-good sister when I get my hands on her! In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost! (cough) Amen. (leaves)

Dimitri: I think he's gone… Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, this is your RCO Radio Hour from Londinium, Albion. First on the news, the Royal Londinium Puppet Theatre has cancelled their matinee of Sleeping Beauty amidst protests and threats to lynch the master puppeteer, Dieter Longman, better known as Dietrich von Lohen…

Dietrich: I think someone needs a wedgie… (grabs Dimitri by his pants)

Dimitri: ARGH! Molest! Help!

Dietrich: What? You are not wearing any underwear?

Dimitri: Molest! Help! Hilfe (Help in German)!

Dietrich: Shut up! (hits Dimitri and drags him into the confessional)

Ivan: Well, more news from Albion. We have rumours that a vampire has kidnapped the pope and Westminster has announced that firm action will be taken against all vampires… Dang. How come we always get the blame whenever some churchman croaks? Duke Ludwig has launched a formal complaint against the Albionians for their less than friendly reception at Dover. Duke Erin has filed a suit against the Albionian navy for damages to his private yacht… (looks at the rocking confessional booth) Hey, Herr Terran, have you set up the phone line yet?

Dietrich: The phone line was up, until I used it to try stringing your twin up. (opens confessional door to show Dimitri twitching at the end of the phone line)

Ivan: Dimitri! Hang in there, bro! (runs into the confessional to free his brother)

Dietrich: Let's get this over with. I have an appointment to keep! A plane crashed in the Thames River near London Bridge last night. No casualties were reported. Authorities are puzzled that no one has come forward. Is the line fixed?

Dimitri: Yes, Herr Dietrich. The next confession in this booth will be going live on the cathedral's public address system.

Dietrich: Good. Callers, you may call in now! Just get it over with so I can ditch these imps.

Ivan: Herr Dietrich, do you wish to make a confession?

Dietrich: What? Is your choir boy frock on too tight? What do I have to confess?

Ivan: Well, raping a minor for a start, namely my brother, followed by the seven deadly sins of sloth, wrath, pride, lust, envy, greed and gluttony.

Dietrich: What? I never laid a hand on him. I don't go for kids!

Ivan: Explain why you were feeling about in our pants to wedgie us, spanking us at the slightest excuse and making lewd remarks about us.

MazdaKitsune: Hey, last week's show was a blast! I'm just happy to say that I'm a fan of Ivan and Dimitri now! My cousin and I were listening to it and we just about fell of our chairs laughing our heads off! Keep up the good work, twins! Di, here's a toast to your AutoJagger that I've modified and kept. Not only does it wash and keep the house clean, it kills intruders! I'm really interested in how you make these things... want to let me in on your secret?

Dietrich: You little imps… How dare you upstage your betters! (uses his wires to bind up the twins) Let's see… There's a seedy little establishment I can drop you two off at after I'm done with my mission. Twins are popular, especially good-looking ones, in certain circles. Caller, I am not going to let you in so easily on my secret. Maybe we can negotiate something later? I'm always open to selling secret at a reasonable price.

Icequeen: Okay, I got the head off. I had TRIED silver, apparently Diamond tipped rotary blades are the way to go. What do you know, diamonds ARE useful. Isaak, you are raking in the sympathy points with babysitting the munchkins. And for future reference, the 'tokens of favour' line would have caused MUCH less mortification on my end. Really, did you HAVE to say that to my SISTER? Oh, by the by, I probably should have mentioned this in my last call... or when I was riding Isaak into the mattress, but I was recently given some interesting documents pertaining to cloning, all original manuscripts of Dr Frankenstein. And as I have all the "genetic material" I need I'm thinking of making my own black-haired, black-hearted bishie. I think I'll call the prototype 'Fernand'. Copies of these documents will be going to the highest bidder. You may want to make an offer soon, the Vatican Inquisition has already made a generous offer.

Dietrich: Lady, have you gone for any AIDS or STD tests yet? Isaak does go around the brothels a lot. Thanks for the tip on diamonds though. I may want to keep that in mind when dealing with some pesky vampire brats. (looks meaningfully at the twins wriggling about in the confessional) Oh good luck to the Church of they think they can reform Isaak's clone.

Dimitri: Considered seeing a doctor yourself, Herr Dietrich? For we all know you go about the brothels after Herr Isaak. (gets kicked)

Ivan: I think you hit a nerve.

Dietrich: I HATE babysitting. (tears up a hymn book and gags the twins with the pages)

Firey-Moonlight: I'm back! First, thanks for the New-life package, including forged documents and identity papers that have allowed me to escape the lawyers. Sadly, me running off means that the legal battle for family assets passed without my presence, and the money's been divided amongst my blood and step siblings. One of them even had the nerve to announce in a press conference that I would never be able to win him because legal battles involve brains, not the fighting I keep getting into. High security on his side prevents me from going after him directly, so any creative ideas on your side?

Dietrich: Get him into the Ghetto in Londinium in two hours' time. I can almost guarantee you that your troubles with him will be over once my boys deal with him. (whistles for AutoJaggers) Good night all. I have a pressing appointment I must see to. (to AutoJaggers) Troops, have these two pests nailed into a crate and thrown into the Thames. We are moving out in ten minutes. (looks down at his choir boy get-up) Oh, and fetch me my spare uniform!

Author's Notes:

The twins seem to be pretty well received. They are imps and they are not that innocent. A minor interruption by Count Virgil. And hopefully, no one is doing any confessions in Manchester Cathedral, at least until they decouple the confessional booths from the PA system.