Disclaimer: I do not own Trinity Blood or its characters.
Rating may up due to shameless innuendos, bad language and blasphemy(?) Any blasphemous views on the Church reflected in this parody are not mine, honest.
Dietrich is dead by now. And Isaak's busy with a battleship. So most of your calls will wind up being attended to by our sweet 'angelic' little twins. Note to Isaak fangirls, Isaak gets a little sick of his one-night stands.
RCO Radio Hour
Session 21
Isaak: What the (bleep) is going on here? The Orden's show operating out of Manchester Cathedral? And what is with the altar boy look? (glares at the twins)
Dimitri: Herr Isaak, sincerest apologies. After Herr Dietrich had us thrown in the Thames, we managed to bust our way out of the crate and get back here. The only dry clothes available were from the church's laundry van.
Isaak: This is really, REALLY against all my beliefs. I am NOT doing the show in a cathedral with two (shudder) altar boys.
Ivan: No encore of Barcelona? (kicking his heels at the organ) Phooey. (starts playing Amazing Grace) Amazing grace… How sweet the sound…
Dimitri: Sir, seeing you bedded a couple of ladies… shouldn't you sort things out with them? There's a certain lady who says she has your offspring on the way…
Isaak: That's it! Tell those cheap sluts I have no intention of taking any responsibility for any accidental souvenirs. If they have any problems with that, I refer them to my shadow minions. I'm outta here. (Storms off)
Dimitri: Cough, are we on the air? Good. Good evening ladies and gentlemen. First, we will be observing a moment of silence for a departed comrade… (sound of party poppers and Ivan doing a lively polka melody on the organ) Ahem, I said a moment of silence. In memory of the only Terran who has the balls to hang out in the Orden, rile all the other good chaps and a few frauleins…
Ivan: And Mein Herr himself. For he's a jolly good fellow… like real… (playing the organ)
Dimitri: Shouldn't we like claim his corpse or something? After all, he's one of the Orden.
Ivan: Oh sure, and risk getting arrested for consorting with known terrorists? Hi, we're here to claim the mortal remains of that chap who set loose a zombie army on you folks. I'm not feeling particularly suicidal, especially over that person, thank you.
Cain: Hello, lads. (drifting in) I imagine you found Albion to your liking. Let's start with the news. First, AutoJaggers attacked the Ghetto a.k.a. Albionian slave labour sweatshop. Next, I demolished Buckingham Palace. Lastly, the Rose Cross Order has an opportunity for someone with experience in managing an army of AutoJaggers or vampire zombies. Interested parties may apply via our website.
Ivan: If we can't find someone, we have about fifty good AutoJaggers for sale.
Suzanne: (storming in) Where is Panzer Magier? I woke up and find he's taken off without me.
Dimitri: Fraulein, he went on ahead to the airfield.
Suzanne: What? He agreed to let me pilot the battleship this time.
Cain: Too bad, Suzanne. Isaak's driving this round. Be a dear and get me some fish and chips from that little shop at Trafalgar's. I might feel peckish after settling some old scores.
Suzanne: Yes, Mein Herr. (bows and leaves)
Dimitri: Dear listeners in Albion, expect a firework spectacular tonight. You may now call in!
General Zargon: (coughs) Thanks a lot you (bleep)! Now I have to sift through the rubble to see if anything managed to survive the explosion, though now my wife is on the warpath and aiming to kill my sister-in-law so I guess that's something. But anyway, have any ideas on how to keep the authorities from finding the machine guns I stashed in the basement? By the way, in return for your useful (insert sarcasm) advice a crate full of Jehovah witnesses bearing crosses and bibles will arrive at your location five minutes after I hang up, so have fun!(hangs up)
Cain: Goody, target practice opportunity. (leaves to seek out Jehovah witnesses outside cathedral)
Ivan: Listener, move those guns from the basement and stash them in the family crypt. It's good enough for our late mother, until that Duke of Tigris borrowed some of our explosives and blew up the neighbouring mausoleum. (sounds of screaming outside) Oh, those Jehovah witnesses are early. Next!
Artemis400: Does Dietrich ever feel intimidated in the Orden? After all, he's the only Terran…
Dimitri: I dunno, but those folks who don't see eye to eye with our departed Marionettespieller end up joining his AutoJagger corps.
Icequeen: No, no no, I won't be giving Fernand to the Vatican, just the documentation on how to clone for themselves. I think they intend to duplicate their Knight of Destruction, whoever THAT is. And for our info, all my playthings are vet-checked before they even enter my bedroom. Isaak is clean, in case anyone's wondering. And Fernand turned out almost perfect. I just need to educate him. Isaak is the product of his experiences; which Fernand lacks. Heh, Isaak with the mentality of a child. It's adorable.
Dimitri: Hello? Child Welfare Units? We may have a potential child abuser here…
Ivan: Who needs cloning? The whole thing is way over-rated. Our parents did it with no fancy science. Dimitri and I are totally identical.
LadyAssassin27: Good evening, business has been great the last weeks, I really am thinking of expanding you know, anyway I must say I find your new hosts quite amusing, except for the prank calls, by the way, Ivan was it, if you must know I am wearing a Black suit and tie, I am a professional after all, so you can get that perverted little mind of yours out of the gutter. Anyway, Dietrich, could I have my sister back, I think her as an AutoJagger, would make a nice partner, and something to torture my parents with.
Dimitri: I regret to inform you that we are unable to return your sister as she was among the AutoJaggers we lost in the Ghetto due to a certain young lady's bad hair day. Lady Vanessa, if you are listening in, we can recommend a good hair conditioner.
Firey-Moonlight: I managed to convince my dear brother to go to one of those abandoned passages that leads down to the ghetto. Managed to seal the door too, so he won't be coming out anytime soon. However, this poses a rather awkward problem: how the heck am I supposed to confirm whether he's died or not when I'm outside? Do you have any cameras set inside that would allow me to see the visuals of my brother's pleasantly gory death?
Ivan: We are sorry but we had our cameras all set to capture Mein Herr's moment of glory in that control room when he killed that silly priest. By the way, we have uploaded the video of Dietrich von Lohengrin's gory demise on the Orden's website. The look on his face was priceless.
Cain: (coming in with a packet of fish and chips) Abel's late. When's the coffin due? I thought the wake was to have started at teatime at Rosslyn Chapel.
Dimitri: Apologies, Mein Herr. This is Manchester Cathedral. The chapel is up the street.
Cain: Well I never. This cathedral is the size of a chapel back in Berlin… How tiny is their chapel? Do the Albionians do everything in Lilliputian? This serving of fish and chips is a mere morsel. I must be going… can't be late for my brother's funeral (smile)
Ivan: Speaking of food, I'm starved. Anyone for some bubble and squeak?
Dimitri: I hear from Reiz there's a joint at the Riverside that sells a tasty shepherd pie.
Ivan: With or without the shepherd?
Dimitri: Who cares, let's pick up some proper clothes. I spy some Eton schoolboys our size at the bus stop across the street. You go for the blondie, I'll get hold of the redhead. We'll stuff them in the church dumpster on the way out. (gets whacked by bible to the head) What's that for?
Ivan: That was my idea, Dimitri, don't forget that. Good food, a good view of the fireworks… Let's do a takeaway and head for Tower Bridge.
Author's Notes:
We have bid goodbye to our favourite puppeteer. If the RCO falls apart, Dimitri and Ivan will find themselves out of a job. The votes are in, so far, Ivan is the nastier one of the pair. The twins are so irreverent towards poor Di. At least Dimitri made some effort at an eulogy.