Hi, ya'll. This is a very overdue update and an ever more overdue Raph and Leo, post-Nightwatcher chapter. Seriously, did anyone else think that the movie left out a heart feelt appology from Raph. The appology was done in two sentences!! Anway, I'm the Psychology major who wants people to write books about their feelings. I can get caught up in that. LOL! I'm using the lyrics from Linkin Park's song "Leave out All the Rest" Song fic, I know. Fun times! The song is soooooo Raph talking to Leo!!
Disclaimer: I own...lots of dots...not TMNT or Linkin Park or this song...Me loves dotes...
Chapter VI: Kill Me Already
"It is very easy to forgive others their mistakes; it takes more grit and
gumption to forgive them for having witnessed your own." Jassamyn West
Kick, punch, dragon kick, land, upper cut, back flip, repeat.
Raph was alone in the dojo- practicing old katas they all perfected years ago. His mind was elsewhere, his soul even further from his body. It was like his body was autopilot- going through the motions without thinking.
I dreamed I was missing
You were so scared
But no one would listen
Cause no one else cared
He almost killed his brother. Hell, he killed his family.
After a the dragon kick that left him on one knee, Raph pounded a fist into the unforgiving mat floor. It was like someone took a hammer to Raph's chest, and all the blame came rushing in like a tidal wave. Raph was drowning in his own guilt.
Last night was hell. The worst night in Raph's past- no exaggeration. It was like a bad dream, a nightmare, but it was real. Too real.
Kick, punch, dragon kick, land, upper cut, back flip, repeat.
Sweat dripped, and soon his mask was saturated. His lungs heaved. Wishing to scream, Raph stopped his kata. He was alone. Raph liked being alone.
After my dreaming
I woke with this fear
What am I leaving
When I'm done here
So if you're asking me
I want you to know
He had so much anger in his chest. He wanted to scream, kick, or kill whatever it was that did this! All fingers pointed to back to him- even his own. When he caught Leo under his sia last night, it was like watching a movie. He couldn't stop his actions. Chop it up to a lack of self-control when anger became too much. Call it a bad personality temperament. Call it whatever you wish. Truth was, Raph hated himself for having all the bitterness.
Did he hate Leo? No. Honestly he didn't. Once you dig at the layers of red anger of Raph, you would find one sad turtle. Did everyone believe Raph could be defined as the black sheep of the family? He was made of more than swear words and anger. Splinter had always been able to see through the anger, he saw Raph. "My son, you are more than this anger."
Problem was, Raph didn't believe one word of it.
When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed
Kick, punch, dragon kick, land, upper cut, back flip, repeat.
If anyone dared hurt one of his brothers, the person would have a sia shoved in their mouth in two seconds. No questions asked.
Raph never speculated, asked questions, or thought before acting. He just did whatever his gut told him. He was a slave to his own wants and his anger. Raph was everything Leo convicted him as: impulsive, irrational, selfish, manic, hothead.
Problem was, Raph's heart believed every word of it.
And don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest
Kick, punch, dragon kick, land, upper cut, back flip, repeat.
"How long have you been there?" Raph asked the presents he sensed at the front door fifteen minutes ago. The presents didn't move or even flinched only watched. Watched Raph as he pushed himself to near exhaustion with a child's kata.
"Not long." The presence lied. Raph closed his eyes. It was Leo. Possibly, out of all his brothers, the one he could not talk to. Too much guilt. Too much guilt.
"Care to spar?" Leo asked in a voice the reminded Raph of the old Leo. Raph knew what Leo meant by 'spar.' It was never just a spar, it was time to talk.
Raph shrugged, "Sure." His heart feel like lead to his stomach seeing Leo still not fully healed. Some of those wounds were due to the fight at Winter's tower, but other were…
"No weapons?" Leo questioned as he walked in front of Raph.
Don't be afraid
I've taken my beating
I've shared what I made
Raph swallowed back an emotion. He keeped this emotion within himself. He couldn't let anyone see this again. Never ever. Especially Leo.
"No weapons." Raph repeated softly. Oh damn, now he sounded just as conflicted as he was inside. The mask Raph crafted out of anger was cracking, and he was scared of what was underneath it all.
Scared.
I'm strong on the surface
Not all the way through
I've never been perfect
But neither have you
They stood silently, facing each other, like that rainy night on Red Eye Hotel rooftop. Leo poised for an attack, and Raph did also. Though he stance was weak. Never in his life did he ever not want to fight. He didn't want to fight Leo. Never ever.
Leo was first to attack. This fight was opposite of the fight that night. No weapons, Leo attacked first, Leo's idea to fight, and Raph's reluctance to fight. The only same thing was emotion was the motivation for both fights.
Leaping into a dragon kick, Leo started this fight. Raph crouched low and rolled away from the spinning attack. Easily diverted, Leo regained his footing while landing, and he looked to Raph. Why wasn't he attacking back?
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed
Don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest
Leo tried again. Same attack, same results. The old Raph would be cursing and teasing Leo at being a ninja rendition of a broken record. However; Raph just poised for another attack. He wasn't even trying.
Turning up the heat, Leo tried a few close-range punches. Raph easily deflected them, but he wasn't counter-attacking. It was all blocks without punches. Hesitating for an instant, Leo waited to see if Raph would take advantage and attack. He didn't. He only waited for Leo to attack.
He was trying not to…
"You know" Leo said teasingly, "I think I can get a better match out of the punching bag."
Forgetting
All the hurt inside
You've learned to hide so well
Raph didn't smile. He only continued with defensive blocks. This changed Leo's attitude instantly.
"Talk to me, Raph." Leo demanded in a solid voice.
Pretending
Someone else can come and save me from myself
I can't be who you are
Nothing. Only more blocks from a broken man. Leo's anger was building. Since arriving home absolutely nothing was the same. Mikey never joked. Don never invented. Splinter only stared blankly at walls. Now, Raph was broken.
All these changes pissed Leo off to no end.
"You're still thinking about the fight?" Leo snarled as his attacks became less friendly. "It wasn't completely your fault, Raph! If I had only listened! If I only had paid attention to you instead of acting like Hitler. It wasn't all your fault, okay? Stop blaming yourself! I'VE FORGIVEN YOU!"
I can't be who you are
Blinded by rage, Leo had side kicked with all energy. Raph was slammed into the wall, shell first. Without a shell, the impact could have easily done major damage. Pieces of brick broke off and feel like rain around Raph.
"Oh God!" Leo breathed, and rushed over. "Raph! I-I'm sorry!" He knelt to his brother who was mumbling something. "What?" Leo asked.
"Kill me already."
I can't be who you are
"Wha…Raph?" Leo was speechless.
Raph stood without help, and started walking out of the dojo.
"Raph! Wait!" Leo reached out. Raph turned quickly.
"You heard me, Leo!" Raph yelled in a voice that was broken but mad. Mad at who? "Just…kill me already!"
Leo's heart instantly yelled NO at Raph. Only Leo's voice was lost somewhere in the force of those words. He only stood there with a fallen face. Raph's eyes turned away.
"I more that deserve it" Raph whispered. "I almost killed you, Leo."
Leo finally found his voice, only to find it broken and screaming. "I told you already, Raph. I forgave you!"
"That doesn't change a thing!" Raph yelled back. "If anyone else dared touch you I-I would've killed them! No one does that to my brother…not even me."
"We get in fights all the time, Raph." Leo said sternly. "I knew you wouldn't actually kill me."
"How do you know?!" Raph demanded. The invisible tears evident in his tone.
Leo eyes widened before he answered softly. "Because…you're my brother. I know you Raph. Please…tell me what you're feeling."
Asking Raph to tell his feelings once was the most ridiculous favors to be asked. More than telling Mikey to be serious. More than telling Don to stop thinking. More than telling Leo not to worry.
"I can't." Raph tried to pick up the broken pieces of himself. Truth was, he didn't know what he was feeling. Anger? Maybe. Doubt? Yes. Guilt? Hell yeah!
"You know I love you, right?"
All the sincerity Leo put in that question hit Raph right between the lungs. Layer by layer, Leo was digging through Raph's shield. Soon he would see what was behind it all. Behind all the anger, rage, and red.
Raph closed his eyes. Oh God, this hurt. He was so scared. The guilt was too much to handle, and he was being crushed under it all. Tears slipped from his closed eyes.
It hurt.
Suddenly Raph found himself in a strong embrace of his older brother. Raph's legs failed him, and the tears fell quickly. And, then it was all gone. Leo caught him, and both slid to the floor.
Pretending
Someone else can come and save me from myself
I can't be who you are
I can't be who you are
Hours passed, and Raph regained his composure. Raph had never broken down like that in his life. He was the turtle that didn't cry. Sadness was expressed with more anger. Guilt and tears were expressed with anger.
Raph looked away from Leo. Leo smiled at him like Leo would smile at Mikey after a bad dream. Damn, that was embarrassing. Could the great cosmos just erase the past year. Hell, Raph would be happy with just that moment to never had existed.
"If you tell anyone…"
Leo laughed seeing the familiar spark that was Raph. "Don't worry. I won't even mention it."
Raph smiled back in appreciation. Leo sighed and leaned against the dojo wall.
"So…what did happen when I was gone?"
Raph took out a sia, and sadly huffed. "That's a loaded question, bro."
"I know." Leo looked at the sia. "But no one's giving me strait answers."
Twirling the ninja dagger, Raph sighed. "I fucked up three times, Leo. Twice with you and once with Don."
Leo tiled his head to look at Raph's face. "Three times?"
"The first was when Don got shot. You know, before you left. Mikey and Don didn't tell us because they were afraid about us fighting more. Don wouldn't have gotten shot if…I had just…" Right then Raph could guess what humans felt in a Catholic confessional box. Their underground dojo was no Catholic church, and Leo wasn't a priest. Leo was his brother. That's what made his harder.
Raph took in a breath. "After you left, Splinter assigned us a new leader."
"You?" Leo guessed almost knowing what he said was the truth.
Raph shock his head, "No…Donnie."
"What?" Leo asked, his breath broken. This was news. "But, before I left, I made you leader."
Raph laughed, his old snide chuckle. "Splinter must haven't heard you."
"Splinter told me that he disbanded the team once…I left."
Raph turned strait to Leo. "You've got to be kidding me." Raph's old fire came through again. "Sure the team was disbanded after I got shot, but…"
"Whoa!" Leo interrupted, "You got shot?"
Raph nodded, "Yeah. That was strike two…"
Leo just stared at the dojo mat ahead of him. Raph had told him everything- holding back nothing. It was like finding out the killer at the end of a mystery movie, but this time…the victim was your family. The murderer was the family.
"I…" Raph sighed. "I miss you, brother. That's what got me so angry to begin with. Don's hates conflict in any form, and I got angry at him for not taking action. After I went on that mission alone and got shot, Mikey and I got in a real bad fight." Raph laughed softly. "Okay, so it was mainly him yelling at me. I deserved a lot more that just Mikey calling me an ass."
"Then Don was…removed from leadership?" Leo said. Raph nodded.
"The team was disbanded. Crime still existed, but there were heavy laws placed after my second strike. That's when I became the Nightwatcher. Mikey and Don found out right after Casey." Raph sighed in all his guilt. "They protected my secret for two months. You know what happened after that."
Leo exhaled after taking a deep, cleansing breath. Wow, that was…surprising and shocking to learn. They had managed to leave out those details in letters. Leo grimiest, actually Leo's last letter was from Mikey about three weeks after he left. 11 months passed with no word, only that quick phone conversation between him and Don.
He turned to his brother. Now he understood Raph more. After that fight on the rooftop a few days ago, Leo just thought it was simple to explain. The team was disbanded when Leo left. Raph became angered by the crime. Became the Nightwatcher, and all that is done is done. He didn't know that Raph's emotions had been pent up for months!
"It's all my fault, Leo." Raph growled lowly as he stared at the mat. "All of it. I just kept messing up, and you guys kept forgiving me. It became a cycle that had no end. There's no one to blame but me."
Leo could have said, No, Raph! None of it is your fault! But, it sounded so fake like a dirty lie. Covering up what Raph did would be an insult to his character.
"Let's just wipe the slate clean, okay?" Leo offered. Complete and utter forgiveness felt cleansing, at least to Leo. Starting over with everyone on the same page, but he knew it wouldn't be easy. Heck, was anything they did easy.
"It might be…too late." Raph grumbled. Too late. Too many strikes against him.
Leo smiled. "Just have hope, little brother!" He put an arm over Raph's shoulder in a comforting gesture. "What doesn't destroy us only makes us stronger."
Raph scoffed, "Is that an order, fearless?"
"Why not?" Leo stood, "I order you to have faith. How's that? Too Gestapo?"
"Man, what with you and all the Nazi references?" Raph took Leo's hand that was offered down to him. "Have you been watching Don's documentaries again?"
"Better than what you watch." Leo jabbed in fun. "Seriously, after watching your bloody movies, I need a bath."
"At least it ain't Mikey's Disney collection."
Leo nodded, "Too true."
"Wanna go for a run?" Raph offered as they walked out of the dojo.
Leo looked around the living area. They were alone, or so it seemed.
"Sure" Leo grinned before running for the door, "Beat you to Winter's tower!"
"Hay! Leo! No fair, you got a head start!"
"You've gotta catch me, Nightwather!"
"You're on Ghost of the Jungle!"
Laughter echoed through the lair.
Awwww! I feel better now. The Psychologist who wants everyone to talk about their problems until their blue in the face...has been appeased. goofy grin Seriously, I love those boys! Through it all, I think they might have a very strong relationship! goofy smile of doom As always, thanks for reading!! Please REVIEW!
-Weezellee