Chapter VII: Better Than Before
Leadership has a harder job to do than just choose sides. It must bring sides together. Jesse Jackson
Donnie thought it for a while and realized each of his brother had a role, but the past few weeks; the Fates must have tried to regroup their broken roles.
In the end, Donnie wasn't a leader. Sure, when the time came to it, Don could give amazing advice, and it may appear that Don was 'leading.' But being a leader day after day was not his calling. Before Leo left, Don could only wonder if he could lead. During the year of his leading brother's absence, Don realized the answer to the question was a dead 'NO!'
The clicking of his own fingers on his keyboard was the only sound in the lab; or perhaps the lair. The city hummed around them, and the occasional subway rumbled above slumbering brothers and father. For years, Don used the peace of the night for work which developed into a habit bordering insomnia.
Sadly, Don realized. Days were now as quiet as the night. This hadn't always been so with three brothers. Someone was always talking, bugging him for a favor, asking him to fix something, or even seeking advice. Nowadays, things were still strained and conversation between his brothers seemed restless and difficult. It was like living in a tunnel full of strangers.
Sighing, Don stretched for a moment. His body tensed like it always did on these late night security checks. All the perimeter alarms were working like normal, and even the surveillance cameras needed little maintenance. It was a rutine check for him- uneventful and simple.
Then why did he feel so tired? Things should be getting back to a sense of normalcy, right? It had been at least a week since that night. Splinter had resumed their training, and the brothers held their nightly patrols in the surrounding area. Conversation was improving, yet there was still subject matter no one dared to touch. At first Don dismissed it as his brothers' way of dealing with things. Then days turned to weeks, and the Nightwatcher's name was almost taboo to whisper.
No sleep for the worry. Donnie clicked of the computer with a tone of lax bitterness.
"How's the system check?"
Don nearly jumped off his office desk he was so spooked. Darn Leo and his perfect ninja skills of invisibility. He didn't even hear his door being opened, but there stood the leader almost a yard away.
"Man, Leo!" Don said trying to regain a normal breathing pattern. "I've got to install an alarm system in my lab or something. About gave me a heart attack, bro!"
"Sorry." Leo shrugged, and steeped closer. "So…" Insert long pause. "How's the…eh…security system."
Don stood, "Good. Nothing new, but I'll have do a physical check on the perimeter alarms." When did their conversations turn so professional? Don could help but envision Leo as a leading general asking his engineer about structural reports on the battleship's engine. There was no "Hey, Donnie. How are you?"
"I think I'll do it before I go to bed." Don reached for his tool bag and a flashlight. "Those darn sewer workers seem to be waking up earlier now."
Nodding, Leo said, "There's more runoff since last night's storm. I'll go with you."
Again, Don mentally pointed. A year ago Leo would have tagged along without giving a safety reason to do so. He would just go and they would talk about philosophy where Leo preferred ancient above modern while Don was the opposite. They both held Plato as their favorite philosopher, and had even read the Republic together. Don laughed when Leo commented that Thrasymachus acted like Raph at the end of Book 1.
There was no healthy debate now. Just awkward silence where words should be as the two made their way further from home. Following their memory, they walked along the edge. Don's flashlight beam looked down the storm drain seeing a lot of debris. A memory resurfaced of young Donatello and Leonardo.
Eight-year-old Don showed his brother his recalibrated toy car when the car took a dive into the murky water. Reaching for it with a flimsy stick, Don was soon followed his car into the fast current. Leo, without a thought, dove after his brother. Leo saved Don's life that day which would turn into an unavoidable hobby of Leo's in the future.
"I wonder if its still down here." Don said out loud.
"What's still down here?" Leo asked behind him.
Stopping, Don turned and smiled, "The toy car. Remember?"
Doing a Raph response, Leo huffed. "Don't be silly, Donnie. That had to be twelve years ago."
"Right." Don said sadly. It wasn't like him to be so unrealistic, and it was equally rare for a brother to call him on it. Still, Don grimly sighed, wishing for things to remain was better than facing the truth, right?
"Hay, are you okay, Donnie?"
Nodding, Don said, "Yeah, just tired."
"Same here. Let's get this done, and go to bed."
Taking a breath, Don motivated himself to ask, "Leo, have you noticed that things haven't been…normal lately?"
Silence again. That was turning into an addiction for all brothers. Expecting Leo to brush it off, Don was genuinely surprised when Leo answered sadly.
"Yes, I have."
"Why do you think that is?" It was an innocent question.
"Maybe…we've grown up." Where had Donnie heard that before?
"Grown up or grown apart?" After saying that, Don almost regretted it after seeing the expression in Leo's face. It was like watching a little boy's reaction after hearing his pet dog was hit by a taxi. Instead of crying though, Leo's shock face turned into a solemn frown.
"That's pretty heavy, Don. Even for you."
Don nodded, "Things are better actually."
"I thought you just said they weren't."
"I said things are better. I didn't say they were good."
"What do you mean things are 'better." Leo asked firmly, and Don realized his older brother wanted his conversation bad enough. If he wanted the truth; he would get it.
Don tilted the flashlight so their faces could be seen clearly. He then said, "I thought Master Splinter told you? Or at least you figured that on your own."
"Raph was the one told me…everything."
Don grimiest. "How…much did he tell you?"
Leo told everything Raph told him that evening in the dojo. Raph didn't sugar coat anything. When Leo said it, the story was all in third person. Like some novelist telling a story- their tragedy. He only made the story his when he referred to himself in the first person. That made it real- too real.
Wishing for things to remain was better than facing the truth, right?
"That brings us here." Leo said simply. What was Don suppose to say to that? Knowing that Leo knew of everything, even Don's failure as leader, was relieving yet sad at the same time. They had crossed, burned, and rebuild way too many bridges in the past year.
Don inhaled, and turned up to where one of his perimeter security devices was nestled between two bricks. Don had chipped back the mortar of the old bricks three years ago when he invented the seemingly invisible alarm system. Brushing back some dust, Don found the button to push. He pushed it, and the tunnel in front of them became blocked with a visible curtain of red light. There was no penetration. The laser alarm system was like a hole-less shield.
Leo looked at the curtain. It was only made out of motion-detection laser. Nothing lethal, just a curtain of red light.
"This is my favorite invention." Don mentioned, and Leo turned to him. All was bathed in the laser's red light. That seemed to be the only color to exist- red.
"Why is that?" Leo asked, concerned at how Don seemed so battered.
Don turned to his brother, and gave a weary smile. "Protection." He looked back to the device between the bricks. "Remember when we were little, and Master Splinter had to take extra measures in keeping us safe?" Leo nodded, and Don continued. "Well, when I first came upon alarm systems, it was…fourteen years ago. At first, I was fascinated with the engineering and mechanics of them. When I first installed the system, Raph was the one to point of my hidden reason."
"He said…We didn't have to worry anymore, or not as much. It was like I was giving freedom and protection. I never felt to needed." Don pushed the button, and the laser curtain dispelled. "That's when I found my role in life in this family."
Don looked at Leo, before walking back down the tunnel. "I'm no leader, Leo. We both knew this before any of this happened. That's your calling in life. You're the leader, not me. Mikey's the sunshine in this dark place. Raph's the passion behind the fight. You're the guiding flame in our lives." Don chuckled sadly, "We all have our roles here. Different shades of the same color." Leo looked confused for a minute then he understood.
"I never saw it coming." Don stopped; his back still to Leo. "With all my alarms and security systems, how could I've missed it? I was scared and addicted in trying to prevent something from coming in and destroying what we have. Then when you left and roles were switched, it all was destroyed anyway. Like someone deactivated my system protocols or something." Don began walking forward. "I failed…Leo. Not only in being a leader, but I failed at my own role. I failed at protecting them and allowing them freedom."
Leo had reminded the silent audience through Don's conviction and speech. When the anti-climatic end happened, Leo stood there looking back what where the invisible curtain of protection was. He couldn't see it, but it was there.
Don gave a hallow laugh. "Oh well, I guess I'm just thinking too much. Kinda ironic, huh?"
"Don" Leo said, "I-I'm sorry." Was that it?! Leo's heart demanded an explanation for the sad, emotionless apology.
Don looked back, and stared directly into Leo's eyes as if looking for something. Then he smiled, "Forget about it, Leo." Forget about what? Forget about this past year? Forget about what Leo's departure did to his little brothers?
Leo ached. Why did he see this?
"It's fine!" Don smiled brighter, but it was all fake. "Really. You're back, and everyone's alive. Isn't that what matters?"
Leo smiled back, and walked toward Don. Wordlessly, he wrapped his arms around his little brother who had to carry so much. Don tensed, and Leo could sense the emotions wanting to burst through so badly.
All the endless days where Don wondered if Leo was alive or not. All the endless demands that were placed on his shoulders. All the endless nights where he sat up to wait for Raph to come home broken and bleeding. All the endless questions in his brilliant yet weary mind.
Don was about to break, but at the final moment before the dams burst…he pushed away. Leo was left with empty arms and a forlorn expression. Don held his back to him, and Don held back his pride from him.
"L-let's go." Don said in a voice that leaked of unshed tears.
"Why?!" Leo demanded, louder than he intended. "Why couldn't you just say no! None of this is your fault, Donnie!"
Don froze, Leo could tell. Spinning around, Don's face held such anger that Leo had only seen in Raph's eyes. Tears were falling from those brilliant eyes that still held so much anger.
"Like hell it isn't!" Don yelled. "Look at the facts, Leo! Am I the only one who can see things objectively?! If I had only been honest about being shot that night before you left, then maybe you wouldn't have to go! If I had only said no to father about being leader, then maybe I could have stopped it all. If I had only had told Splinter the truth about Raph's injury, maybe I wouldn't have failed as leader. If I had only LISTENED TO RAPH then he wouldn't have to…" Don's voice broke, and it sounded so young, so lost. "I-If I had only listened. If I only was you…"
To say Leo was prepared for this would be a lie. In Don's guilt-filled frustration, he pounded once into the unforgiving brick of the sewer walls. Now emotions of his own where building in Leo's heart. Oh God, he couldn't take it!
Leo bit back his emotion and tears, and said firmly. "We all share the blame, Don. Not just you, okay?" He walked the distance between them and rested a hand on Don's shell. Don was shaking. "All we have to do is forgive and move on. That's what you do every time an experiment break, right? You forgive yourself of that mistake and you move on. Never giving up, Don. That's what I love most about you. Is that you never give in and you're so willing to forgive."
Don shivered again at the words. He turned away from the walls, and clung to his older brother. His hot tears running onto Leo's neck. All the dams broke in Don's soul, but Leo was more than confident that Don could and would fix this.
Fixing things was what Don was best at.
Leo walked out of Don's room later that night. Don was now sleeping peacefully. Seeing Don, the one who seemed to have everything under control, shock Leo up just a little. Hell, Raph's drama alone sometimes was too much, even for Leo.
Still, Leo looked to Raph's room, things did seem to be, as Don said, better. Turning to Mikey's room, Leo was happy to see Mikey sleeping with an opened comic book on his chest. Yep, things would never be the same, but they would be better.
Something still had to be checked off of Leo's list. His stomach felt like a stone when he mentally braced himself.
He had to talk to Master Splinter.
Dun dun DAAAAAAAA! LOL! Masta Splinta has some explain' to do! LOL! Don't worry, this isn't a Splinter-bashing fic. I love that rat/master/father. Splinter isn't the only one who needs their eyes opened on the subject of family unity, huh?
As always, thanks fa readin!! WILL WORK FOR REVIEWS! (Okay...maybe not 'work' but...nm! just REVIEW! XD )
-Weezellee