I is excited! smiles Sorry, this story is in need of a serious update. Anyway, this chapter may be considered...OOC-ish. Seriously, I tried to keep honest to characterizations, personality, and all that jazz. The turtle family is going through heck and it's only downhill from here. As all ways, thanks ya'll for reading!

Disclaimer: TMNT? What's that? Sounds like a Psychological issue! (don't own)

Chapter VIII: Breath

Mikey stared down at his journal still opened on his lap. Like an author of a novel, he was re-reading those pages, seeing if he missed something or added something unimportant. Nothing major needed to be edited, and Mikey felt slightly proud that emotions on the pages were clear to see.

They would have to be because it was time someone else read those pages.

Looking up from the kitchen table, Mikey saw Raph crashed on the sofa. A frown appeared Mikey's face. He tapped the pen on the table, and rested his chin on his hand as he watched his brother sleeping.

"You're not coming, Mikey. I have to do this alone."

"Why? Why do you do this? Why do you always have to leave us behind?"

"I just…don't want you to get hurt." "I can hold my own, thank you very much. Even though I'm the youngest doesn't mean I can't fight. We've had equal training and…"

"You ain't coming, Michelangelo, and that's final!"

Sighing, Mikey closed his journal. Inside cover held a special letter to Raphael he had just finished. It was a metaphoric icing on the cake sort of letter. Sure, the letter wasn't sweet in anyway, but it was the truth.

Maybe he shouldn't do this. Mikey was about to turn around, and burn the journal. Then he would scatter the ashes and forget about this year. He would forget about how badly his brothers hurt him, and he would forget how they ignored him. He would forget the twisting pain that replaced a once vibrant heart.

No. Mikey couldn't just forget and forgive like Donnie. Call it being the baby of the family, but Mikey couldn't just let it go.

Raphael. Mikey knew in the end Raph did love them and he didn't do those things to intentionally hurt. But, Raph had done this THREE TIMES! Raph had lied to them half a million times, and they wouldn't be in the mess if it wasn't because of him. Leo wouldn't have to leave. Don wouldn't have to be Leo and loose his personality. Splinter wouldn't be so passive about their son's lives. And…Mikey…wouldn't have to…

What happened to him, Mikey wondered. Where did all this bitterness come from. Sure, he could say it was all Raph's fault, but Mikey let that get under his skin. He allowed that anger and bitterness to stay and fester like an infected wound. Don let it run off his shell like rain.

Don forgave too easily- that was the problem, Mikey noted. Raph could have stabbed Don in the neck, and Don would just pat him on the head and say, "I forgive you." Raph could do it a thousand times and get the same reaction from him.

It wasn't right! What did forgiveness do but pardon Raph and allowed him just to do it again. It gave Raph permission to hurt them, to leave them…to leave Mikey.

Mikey stood from the kitchen table with journal clutched under his arms- against his chest. It was childish, Mikey knew, to pout about big brothers not taking him to go play. Mikey was twenty, an adult, or whatever that meant.

Mikey took the steeps needed to reach the back of the sofa. Raph looked so peaceful there, sleeping without a care. This only twisted Mikey's stomach with anger. It was all going to happen again, huh? Forgiveness didn't stop the Raph cycle of self-destruction, it only continued it- gave it energy.

No more, Mikey vowed. Raph was going to know perfectly what Mikey went through, and maybe this would break Raph's apathy armor he wore constantly. Maybe Raph would see if he wasn't forgiven.

Opening to the first page, Mikey put the journal face down on Raph's chest. A moment of guilt whispered in Mikey's mind, but he pushed it away. He had to do this. He couldn't allow his family to be destroyed…not even from the inside out.

No turning back now. Mikey steeped three steeps backward before turning and running for Don's lab. He was suddenly stopped by Leo who stood at the bottom of the stairs.

"Mikey?" Leo tiled his head, and then reached to place a hand on his shoulder. "Hey, are you okay? You look like you've seen a ghost."

Crap! Mikey smiled trying to calm his nerves. "I think I just did, Ghost of the Jungle."

Leo smiled back, and bat his hand gently at Mikey's head. Giving his best Mikey-giggle, Mikey played his baby brother card again. Looking up at Leo, Mikey wondered if Leo knew the hell they all went through. Knowing Donnie, he probably swept it under the rug, and said 'what is done is done.'

"You're really okay, right?" Leo pressed the question again as his face frowned into a concerned expression.

Time to lie again. "Yeah, Leo-bro! Just tired." He stretched for emphasis. Should he yawn? No, that's a little too much. Smiling again, Mikey gave Leo a quick baby-brother hug, and walked quickly up the stairs.

Reaching to his eye, Mikey rubbed a tear away.

Watching Mikey for a moment before he disappeared into Don's lab, Leo turned back to the living room. His footsteps were firm and full of purpose, yet his heart was trembling as he approached his Master's door.

Master Splinter still had a lasting effect on Leo, not only as a father but as a master, superior. Splinter was Leo's general and he was that private with a perfection complex.

Opening the door slowly, Leo adjusted his eyes to the light of candles. Master Splinter sat on his futon in lotus position. His wise eyes were closed, and Leo feared he was sleeping.

"Enter, my son."

Leo obeyed. The room was spacey decorated to portray Splinter's philosophy of moderation. Japanese paintings hung on the wall. Scrolls of Japan characters lined the walls, and Leo turned to the center of the room where a picture of Master Yoshi reminded.

Leo felt a cold tingling through his fingers as he eyes locked with that of the master of his master. Master Yoshi was an ominous presence throughout Leo's life. Like a demigod heroes, Splinter and Yoshi captured Leo's awe.

Leo walked inside the room. Candle light danced on the brick walls, and Leo knelt next to his father's futon. Biologically or whatever said Splinter was no Leo's father, but spiritually was another matter.

Splinter's tired head lulled to the other side, and the old rat smiled tenderly at his eldest. Leo saw something new in those eyes, and that something scared him. Splinter's face was so…Leo couldn't even say it or believe it. Splinter looked old and tired. The vitality and zeal from the rat's smile was gone, and in it's place was a peacefulness and acceptence of the inevitable end they all must face.

"Let's leave."

Don blinked. Where the shell did that come from? Don was in the middle of fixing the house phone when Mikey stormed into Don's lab. (Without knocking, might he add.) Don said hi, and the first thing that Mikey said was…'Let's leave.'

"What do you mean- leave?" Don asked as he patted his bed next to his chair where he sat. Mikey did not sit down. He started pacing Don's lab.

"Leave!" Mikey was not himself. "You know? Vacation? Somewhere! Anywhere away from home! Maybe Canada for a year. We'll go to Europe!"

"Mikey! Mikey!" Don stood from his chair, and caught his flailing brother. Holding Mikey's wrist, Don forced his brother to look at him. "Breath." Don ordered, and Mikey obeyed. Pulling Mikey to the bed, Don forced Mikey to sit. Mikey obeyed, and his head feel to his hands.

Sitting on the chair, Don sat in front of Mikey. Don's hand rested on Mikey's shell. Taking a deep breath himself, Don said calmly, "Okay, now. Slowly tell me what's wrong, okay?"

Mikey didn't raise his head. In a weak voice, Mikey said, "Raph's reading my journal."

"Journal?" Don's eyeridge raised a little. "You mean that book you've been writing in since…Leo left."

"Ah, Leonardo." Splinter smiled. "It is not yet time for our meditation sessions."

Leo nodded, "I know master. I come…" Leo's voice failed. What could he say? What was he asking for? Advice? Forgiveness? Guidance?

Splinter's furry hand rested on Leo's shoulder in a soft gesture of warmth and understanding. Leo felt his pent up stress whimper for release.

"Master, I-I'm so confused." Leo released a little of that stress, but there was still a lot more. "So much happened here when I was gone…more than…I ever anticipated. My brothers are conflicted, and they're looking to me to heal them."

Taking a deep breath, Leo added, "I have learned much on leadership from my travels this past year, but…I found no lessons on being a brother."

"My son." Splinter said with a smile, "You don't need to travel further than home's front door to find lessons on being a brother." Splinter's eyes looked directly at Leo, and he asked. "Something else bothers you, my son?"

Leo exhaled, "Master…I…" Leo took another breath. Breathing was the first technique learned for meditation. It cleared the mind. Vitalized the body. Soothed the soul.

"Why didn't you tell me what happened?"

Splinter closed his eyes, and took in a breath himself. "It does not help to dwell on past mistakes- especially on the mistakes of others, Leonardo."

"They're still suffering!" Leo's voice was slightly frayed. Crap! Splinter looked to Leo in mild surprise, and Leo continued, "Raphael and Donatello. They're…not healing."

Leo looked directly at Splinter, "Why did you make Don leader?"

"To see if he was a leader."

"He feels like he failed."

"That is because he did."

Raph woke up groggy as always. Still it was a nice nap. Lately Raph was feeling unmotivated and achy. His mood was in constant state of constant sorrow. It was a constant string of bad-mood days. All his hobbies waned. He even refused to spar with Don. His excuse…not feeling good. Casey even asked if he wanted to go on a skull-smashing raid. Raph's excuse…not feeling good.

That's all he could tell was he didn't feel good. Sure, he had half a million reasons. Starting with everyone in his family hating him. Raph leaned back on the sofa. They all hated them, but some covered that hate with word's like 'I understand' and 'it's okay.'

Alone. Raph looked around the lair. Typical, no one wanted to be around the hothead. That was just fine.

Raph didn't want to be around the hothead either.

Something feel off his chest and on the floor. Looking down, Raph saw it was Mikey's leather journal. He had seen Mikey writing in it once or twice, but it was an unwritten rule of privacy not to read.

What was it doing on his chest?

Picking it up. Raph found himself staring at the inside of the front cover. Writing in Mikey's hand in a red pen was a letter. It was addressed to…Raphael.

With his eyes wide, Leo gasped. His hands instantly balled into fist where they rested on his knees. The look in Splinter's eyes…He was disappointingly angered. The furry eyebrows slanted downward in the middle.

"Y-you don't blame Don for what…happened, do you?" Leo had to ask.

Splinter inhaled, "No. Not completely. He has learned an invaluable lesson in all this, but that does not alter what he did."

"Don did nothing." Leo defended.

"And that is where he failed."

"Raph was the one who left that night." Leo was now saying with increasing anger, "Raph disobeyed you, not Don. Don trusted that Raph would be smart about this. He trusted him again and again, but nothing changed. Raph didn't change!"

Leo wasn't breathing now. He was hissing in and out breaths of ozone. Why was it like this?! Why did they have a fall apart? Leo's brothers…they…

"Why didn't you make Raph leader?!" Leo demanded as he stood. His voice was rising. His meekness before his master that he kept for twenty years shattered, and now he was yelling. Yelling at him!

"Raph has always wanted to be leader ever since you gave that duty to me!" Leo paced back and forth. He was addressing Splinter, but he was talking to the walls. "He has what it takes. Sure he has his pride and ego, but he would make a great leader if you only let him!"

"You want Raph to read your journal?"

Mikey nodded, "Yeah. I do."

Confused but not lost, Don asked, "That's why you want to leave? You're scared of Raph's reaction."

"Wouldn't you?" Mikey looked up to Don. "I mean, I wrote some…bad stuff in there."

Don didn't like where this was going. "What do you mean 'bad stuff?"

Splinter sat strait now. "Leonardo, calm down, my son." Leo turned to face his father, but his eyes still held a rage. The anger was not to his father or anyone, but it was there…burning his soul alive.

"I know Raphael would make a great leader. I have seen it, and it was tested last week when he lead us to you at Winter's Tower." Splinter took in a deep breath before it erupted into a coughing fit. "Donatello is so mild and calm. He has a great mind. I only wanted to test him…to see if he was a leader. But…"

Leo hissed, "He's not? Don's the one I turn to when I don't even know what to do in a situation." Leo then gasped. All the pieces feel into place, and it made him all sick. "You put Don as leader above his older brother. Raph became jealous and anger at that, so he did what he always does when faced with authority…he rebelled. Don's passive leadership skills upset Raph more. Don went on less missions, so Raph had to leave for the surface because he's a fighter."

"Raph got hurt, and you blamed Don for it. You disbanded the team until I came back. Then the Nightwatcher…" Leo closed his eyes.

When this turn into an avalanche? When their close family turn into a clan of strangers? Was it something they could have prevented, or was this how things were suppose to be?

"Things happen for a reason." Splinter advised softy.

Leo growled, "This is all your fault."

Raph bolted for the door. He couldn't breath through the sobs. He was running. He was running away from the journal, from his family, FROM EVERYTHING!!

The journal lied open on the sofa.

October 15, 2008

I HATE RAPH!

Whoa! Good times? NO GOOD TIMES! Dude, I seriously need to write a funny fic after this. All this angst is bad for you health. Still, it's fun to write. Call it a guilty pleasure of a psycho-major! LOL! Anydangway, it ain't over! Thanks for reading!

-Weezellee