Marissa's POV
Marissa heard the gasp and stared silently, with the tears pouring down her face, at Ryan as he backed out of the drive.
He didn't look at her once. God what a mess this all was.
Marissa had skipped the day off school. After Johnny's pronouncement about her feelings, she had felt messed up inside and seeing Ryan wasn't going to help. So she had stayed at home and aimlessly flicked through the channels on T.V until it had occurred to her Johnny was the one she needed to speak too.
He was the reason that all this had happened and last time she hadn't had the chance to tell Johnny what she had to say.
Dialling his number had felt strange, as if the action had belonged to another life and a different Marissa. The phone rang a few times before Johnny picked up which gave Marissa a few moments to compose herself.
'Hey Johnny, its Marissa. Please don't say anything else. I need to speak to you, so will you come over? I have stuff I need to tell you…..'
Marissa had heard Johnny's breath down the phone, it had been deep and the breaths had come short, as if he was struggling to get himself together.
'Johnny are you there? Will you come over please?'
Marissa had only just heard the one word answer, 'Yes'.
Johnny had come around lunchtime, as he hadn't stated a time Marissa had just waited for him with her mind lost in thought. She had wondered about what would happen when he finally got there.
The Johnny and Marissa story had so full on before the accident, one drama after the next, so much so that she had never really gotten the chance to stop and take a moment to think about it all and figure out what she wanted.
The time Johnny had been in hospital should've been the perfect chance but somehow she had been too caught up in Johnny once again that she hadn't left any time for herself.
So once Johnny woke up, Marissa thoughts had finally found their way the way she felt about Ryan and how she now felt about Johnny.
Then Johnny had come to her and said all those things and had never let her say a word. It was time he listened to her.
It wasn't fair that he had been making decisions for her and telling her how she felt.
One thing Marissa did not like was to be controlled, not by her mother, not by Ryan and she was certainly not going to be controlled by Johnny, even if he thought it was for the best.
'Marissa, you there?'
Marissa had heard his voice before she saw him and it had sent shivers down her spine. Exactly the way Ryan's voice used to do. Yeah I'm here, Marissa had replied keeping her cool but inside she had felt a burning sensation that filled her up to her very core. Marissa prepared herself and opened the door.
There Johnny had stood, almost back to his old self, changed only by the small scar on his left temple. When he had walked in, Marissa had noticed a change about him; it hadn't been a physical change more of a change in his presence. Johnny had seemed to have figured out something within him.
Marissa had been rendered speechless for a few moments because of the change. Johnny had been so lost when she last seen him and now it was as if he was a completely new Johnny. She had suddenly become afraid that this new Johnny no longer needed her.
'Marissa why am I here? I thought I told you…'
She had cut in at that point, determined to have her say.
'Johnny you have to listen to me, it's not fair that you never listen to what I have to say. For once can it be about how I feel and not how you think I feel. Okay?'
When he didn't answer Marissa had taken that as her queue to carry on.
'When I first met you, you were a godsend, because of what had happened with Trey. Ryan had become distant and Summer wasn't much help. You were the first person to make me feel really welcome at school and you were the first person I could talk to. The only person that understood me, how I felt. As the weeks went by, Ryan and I grew apart. The separate schools and with Trey still creating a major void between us. Ryan would never talk about Trey but you would, you listen to me and in return I listened to you. I became to depend upon your friendship like it was everything…'
Marissa had faltered at seeing Johnny's face drop slightly but she had ignored it, she needed to say this now or she never would
'And it was. But I forgot, I forgot about everyone else especially Ryan. I caused him pain because I couldn't let you go yet I couldn't let him go either. Do you see I was trying to make a decision, even from the beginning it was always going to have to be a choice between you and Ryan. I couldn't have both however much I wanted it. The reason I wrote that letter to you was because I afraid of losing Ryan from my life but after I realised that it was you that I should have been more afraid of losing. When I saw you on those cliffs, I stopped. Everything in me was caught up in you. I prayed that you would be safe, so you could forgive me for my mistakes. I don't know if Sadie told you but she gave me the necklace you had made for me. It was so beautiful. After the accident I came to the hospital everyday so I could speak to you and thank you for it and to tell you how much I loved it and….'
Marissa stuttered for a few moments, had she really wanted to confess all to him. She started again promising herself to just be true to herself.
'I'm sorry I didn't visit you when you woke up. I was afraid. I was…..was afraid that you had stopped loving me and you wouldn't forgive me. You see Johnny, what I'm trying to tell you is that ……..I….. Love …….you.'
Marissa had stumbled onto silence the second she said those words aloud. God what had she done. The tears had begun to slide gently out of the corners of her eyes by this point. She looked up into Johnny's eyes and prepared herself for the anger but all she found was her Johnny. Johnny had then clasped his arms around her and had held her tight. Marissa remembered in that moment she had never felt so safe in her entire life.
Then he shattered everything. 'Marissa, I love you too. I'm leaving tomorrow.'
'Why?' The only word that could or would escape Marissa's lips.
'Because you are everything to me and that can't work. I have to find me before I can be with you. I'm leaving to join the surf tour, as a roadie but I'll be able to train and maybe I'll get back on the tour next year. I need to do this for me, please understand. I love you Marissa. Goodbye'
Johnny had then walked out of her trailer, again saying the words that had been spoken once before but this time he would not becoming back.
She had followed him out of the trailer with the tears still escaping.
Marissa had then heard the gasp and had stared silently at Ryan as he had backed out of the drive.
Ryan didn't look at her once.