September 2, 1992
CHAOS AT HOGWARTS!By Rita Skeeter
Panic and mayhem broke out at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry today in a bizarre series of events that no one can quite explain. While it is unclear what exactly precipitated today's events, there is no doubt that this day will never be forgotten. The first day of classes began as it does every year, with students complaining about their schedules over breakfast and teachers sharing a little "liquid courage" before they deal with their students. Little did they know that all hell was about to break loose in the form of a mass murderer, a disturbed young child, and his pet.
Shortly before nine in the morning the wall behind the teachers table exploded inwards under the influence of a siege spell. As the teachers managed to pull themselves from the rubble, they were greeted with a sight no one could ever have predicted. Harry Potter and the now escaped murderer Sirius Black entered through this new hole riding on the back of a sixty foot long snake that has since been revealed to have been a basilisk. Black immediately struck Potions Master Severus Snape down with a killing curse while the Potter Scion conjured a pack of rabid nifflers into the robes of Draco Malfoy.
Potter is reported to have yelled, "I'm back like a bad case of herpes!" before he struck again, this time sending a strange hex at the Gryffindor table. The spell reportedly struck a pile of school books and released a massive magical explosion, killing First Year Ginny Weasley and injuring three others.
While Black and the snake kept the staff occupied, Potter killed three other students (Theodore Nott, Pansy Parkinson, and Michael Corner) before taking Second Year Daphne Greengrass as a hostage (reportedly yelling "Accio Wench!"). He whistled and called for Black and "Mr. Giggles" at which point they made their escape through another ready made hole in the walls.
In related news, thirteen prisoners in the isolated Azkaban Prison and thirty nine other witches and wizards around the British Isles (including the entire Greengrass family with the exception of the kidnapped Daphne) were found dead this morning. Initial reports indicate at least two large holes four inches across through the chest of each victim. These wounds were often accompanied by an extremely toxic poison and several smaller punctures.
When asked for a comment or speculation about what sort of creature could cause such wounds, Professor James Kettleburn (a noted Magical Creatures expert) responded that it was most likely the work of "a fucking huge snake!"
While no charges have been filed yet by Aurors who believe Potter could be under the Imperious Curse, many wizards are locking their doors tonight.
A/N; This chapter was really a two for one special on the "odd ideas" end. I've always wanted to see the Basilisk called Mr. Giggles and I've also wanted to see a time traveller decide "fuck the time stream!"