I said if someone reviewed "Playing House," I'd update. So here it is.

The Pharaoh's Corrupting Our Schools.

Chapter 17.

Thwarted Deliveries and A Cool Gift.

…I am soooooooooooooooooo bored.

Jim Bob, life without Ryou is no fun. Without someone to chibify, my Chibifier has no purpose. I mean, I've chibified several chipmunks and a few wayward squirrels that seemed too wily for their own good, but no people yet. …Except the mailman. …And who the heck cares about him? Even I didn't get much pleasure out of chibifying him, that's how insignificant he is.

So I've been living off of TV dinners and, when I could get Marik to pick some up, Chick-Fil-A. That's good chicken right there. I love how they have one in Domino City. Mmm…

But seriously, right now I'm in my boxers, slouching on the couch, old French fries settling in between the cushions. Doesn't matter, though; Ryou's not here to yell at me for it. I can see why he doesn't like it, though; it is pretty gross.

So, I'm watching this show on TV called Shaman King. It's pretty neat. The midget reminds me of Yugi, except Yugi can tackle a football player if he wanted to, and this guy is actually probably half Yugi's height. …I mean, seriously: he's that short. Who the heck is that short? Apparently, he is. His name is like… Manta… like a sting ray. Or something.

Sting ray… sting! Sting's a good singer. I dream of rain, yaday, yaday… Anyhoo. Oh, yeah, Sting was all I had to listen to besides rap music. There's, like, suddenly a hundred rap CDs in the house. Ryou must have a LOT of friends that listen to it. …I wonder if Tea lent him any? O.O;;

So yeah… and the Sting CD is actually a burned CD, and the only song on it is 'Desert Rose'. So I know the whole thing by heart know. And now it's boring. And I need Ryou to make him do things.

But I've kind of forgotten how to bring him back. He's been gone a whole week.

…Hey, what's this? Another burned CD.

:Later:

The song was Dragostea Din Tea. That was the only song on it, but that's ok. Awesome song. I wish I could make a podcast of myself dancing to that video… not that I really dance…

I SHALL CALL MALIK!

:Later:

Malik is here. :D

"What are you writing in? Is that a diary?"

"No, it isn't. It's a journal," I say. He wrinkles his nose anyway. I think I'll shut you and just write in you a bit later, Jim Bob. Let's hope all goes well.

:Later:

It didn't go so well.

Malik was video taping me with his cell phone. The song was playing in the background. I was doing the twist manlily (that is SO a word now; it's the adverb for manly) on the couch, when Malik laughed, I glared and fell over on and sprained my ankle. And then Malik laughed and left. The cad!

…Jerk. Or, as Wheeler would say: "Joik." He's got an accent like that. Like the authoress' mother does… I mean… there is no authoress… there is no spoon… there is no… pizza… aw man! What am I gonna eat? I suppose I could order out… or just eat the ice cream… but that makes me seem like a whiny girl who's boyfriend just dumped her… and besides, there is no spoon…

So I guess I'll order out pizza.

I wonder what kind of pizza they've got in Domino City?

:Later:

"Hello, Domino's Pizza. How many I help you?"

Who would've thought?

"Yes, I'd like one large pepperoni, one large sausage, and one large DOOM pizza!" I squint at the tiny little coupon. "You still have DOOM pizzas, right? 'Cause it says the offer on this coupon is limited, and…"

"Yeah, it's still valid."

"Oh good."

"Yeah."

"So, how long until it gets here?" I twirl the cord around my index finger like I've seen Ryou doing… oh wait, isn't that a girl-type activity? I stop immediately.

…Still twirling. I mean no! I've stopped. I'm thinking about hockey and football and other such manly activit—okay, now I have the image of Yugi tackling Yami again. Man, I guess that was a life scarring event.

"It'll be there in half an hour, or your pizza's free," the guy says. I bet he has pimples.

:Later:

Dang, there's a lot of breaks in this entry, aren't there Jim Bob? Sorry, but I was watching some British television… something called The Office. I bet if somebody did an American adaptation of it, it would be much better, even though I… am sort of a Brit. (Since I'm inhabiting the body of one.)

- - -

SURPRISE! Look, the author's note in this chapter is in the middle of it. And it's centered too. NO NO NO wait don't skip over this… I just wanted to say that I don't Yu-Gi-Oh, or anything, basically, and that The Office (the AMERICAN version) is hilarious. And I don't own any artists/songs I make reference to. I guess when it comes down to it… there's not a lot that I DO own. O.o; I have some chapstick, but I think it's actually my sister's… Noooooo! I'm pathetic! u.u Oh, and thanks to my speedy reviewers, and special thanks to Fruitcest, who reviewed "Playing House". Kat and I are grateful. I told y'all if someone reviewed it I'd update. :)

- - -

So, J.B., that pizza guy will be here soon… which means I won't get my pizza free… unless I THWART him some way! Ha ha ha ha… Do I really have to write laughter? I suppose it's not obligatory, but the pristine memories of maniacal laughter will be the memories I will cherish in times to come. Assuming we aren't plunged into an ice age and you're needed as firewood. Then I'll burn you, and you'll burn it up for me like something out of a Justin Timberlake song, and I'll forget all about you.

…Oh, don't shiver like that, Jim Bob. ;-; See the sympathetic face I just scribble in? That's for you. I… I love you.

…We will never speak/write of this again. Comprends-tu? Bon… How come I know French now, but not in the last chapter, you wonder? Audio tapes. I've been listening to them while I sleep, or when I watch MTV (which is an activity so mind-numbing it's like being asleep anyway). Why am I learning French, you wonder? Why, you silly notebook, it's because French is the language of amour! And I'm, you know, going through that whole love thing right now with that nameless girl. This bread tastes gross; I shall cease eating it.

Anyway, how shall I elude this pizza delivering man? Je ne sais pas. (That means "I dunno.") I will think this over while enjoying some royal berry punch chew-flavoured Starburst. Delicious. I'm glad I found these underneath the couch cushion.

…I could always, I suppose, set booby traps outside so that the sucker can't reach the doorbell… That sounds pretty neat.

:Later:

Ok, Jim Bob, here he comes. I have to write down exactly what happens. But first, an ill-placed flashback!

…No? No flashback? Already, so I'll just describe everything.

Earlier I was trying to create some booby traps out of popsicle sticks and paper clips like I was MacGuyver or something, but then I realized that I could just use some of the stuff Malik leftover here during a slumber par—er, I mean, when he crashed at my place one time. We stayed up late talking about capes and death plots, and then we TPed Yugi's grandfather's game shop. …And Malik painted my nails a vibrant green color while I was sleeping, and dipped yadonushi's hand in… was it warm water, or cold? Anyway, you probably know what came of that, Jim Bob. Surely even simplistic paperfolk like yourself have knowledge of slumber party pranks. Oh, and a bra ended up in the fridge by morning; no idea whose it was. Kinda weird, actually.

Anyway, so I took some of Marik's deathtraps and I had just enough time to set them up before I saw the pizza delivery car roll around the corner. So I ran (screaming like a little girl just for the fun of it) inside, where I promptly slammed the door and raced to the window seat in the room adjoining the foyer (a word which comes from French)!

So now I'm perched on the wide window seat, peering from behind the crimson door—I mean curtains (why can't Ryou listen to H.I.M. instead of Eminem?) as the car parks itself directly in front of my aibou's abode. (Not that I really call Ryou my aibou, but it just makes a neat alliteration.)

And now that we're all caught up, this explanation is over, and it's time for a play-by-play.

So, the car is red and has a little fin on the top that reads "Domino's Pizza." And on the side somebody has spray-painted in white, "I am a Pepperoni Face." Ha ha. Acne problems are hilarious, for some reason.

Anyhoozlers, so this guy steps out. His nametag declares that this loser's name is—oh, wait, he's not wearing a nametag. Dang. Let's call him Ned, though, after that intriguing computer game, Nightmare Ned. Because this Ned is about to go through a Nightmare with a capital N… Am I being too corny, Jim Bob? Honestly, you can tell me if I am. I won't hate you.

…SHUT UP, YOU STUPID NOTEBOOK! YOU KNOW NOTHING! Oh, my Caps Lock was o—wait a darn tootin' second, I'm writing this! So there CAN'T be Caps Lock! Ok, so I'm just really aggressive. But you asked for it.

Ah! "Ned" has taken his first step onto the front walk, which has… not activated the land mine, because the land mine is buried under the grass. Why I thought the pizza delivery personnel would romp across the grass, I don't know, and that was a pain in the butt to bury so quickly. But that's ok; there are other traps. Oh, there are indeed other traps. Indeed.

Like the one "Ned" has activated by stepping through the—no, darn it, he stepped OVER the invisible wire! Dang it! …But that's ok, because that's why I put TWO invisible wires there! And,—oh yes, it's already started—"Ned" has triggered the second invisible wire! Huzza.

So, then Prisilla—oh, that's right, I named him Ned—goes tumbling over his own foot, furthering triggering the trap.

A loudspeaker next to the doorbell does its best impression of Bowser laughing and then cackles gleefully in Malik's voice, "You've triggered my trap card… scratch the card part." Then it reiterates its Bowser laugh as the block of cement in front of "Ned" slides open so that he can fall into a pit of crocodiles. This wasn't tricky to set up—the crocodile pit has been set up for the weeks, it was only a matter of setting up zee two trigger wires. I had to manipulate some gears in the pit itself, which was… actually were the crocodiles even in there? I haven't seen them in awhile. Uhm… I can't remember, but—oh! There he is; climbing on out of the pit by putting one foot on two opposite walls and getting up that away. Great. (That's called sarcasm, that last sentence there. Tee-hee.)

"Ned" is shaking his first to the skies above. (Actually, shouldn't it just be the "sky" because there's only one?) "You don't own me," he says balefully, pointing now into the pit. (So I guess he was shakin' his fist in the wrong direction.) "I'm not just one of your many toys!" Oh look, Jim Bob. A reference to a song that ISN'T rap. And it had to be an oldie. Oh joy. (That's sarcasm there again, Jim Bob. Not that I really have anything against Bette Midler.)

Anyway, so "Ned" has escaped the Nightmare of the crocodiles. But now he's about to fall for another trap! The old hole-covered-up-by-a-truckload-of-leaves trick! I used a jackhammer to make a large hole in the concrete. I only made it four inches deep, but it was very fun.

He stepped in it! Yes! …But he's getting back up… geez.

Yeah, "Ned" just sprained his ankle… but dang, I think he's… CRYING! Mua hu hu hu ha hu hu hu hu hu haaa! (It's a new laugh. Get used to it.) But… what's this? He's STILL moving towards the doorbell, even as he's sobbing and stuff! Crap! The only trap is the most simplistic one. See, when he steps up to the door, a chipmunk sentry will squeak, and "Ned" will jump in surprise, knocking his head into a piñata (a pink donkey with a blue and green colors for its mane and tail) that will spill out nuts and whatever else chipmunks eat, as well as wheels attached to wires, instead of candy. Then many chipmunks will come flocking and will jump on the wheels and run on them, creating electrical energy that will flow up the wires via electrons n' junk, which will connect to this brain that will go through shock therapy and, thinking it's a celebrity because celebrity's get shock therapy sometimes, will promptly start to throw up the way only a brain can. The brain will have been on one side of a rope thrown over a bar, and on the other side is a wacky arm-gadget holding a cymbal. The brain is heavier than the arm, but once its load is lightened, the arm will descend to about neck-height with Ned and then, because it's covered in feathers (which are glittery just 'cuz it's… er, manly,) will cause Ned to sneeze. The sneeze will trigger the wacky arm's, er, triggering mechanism-doohickey, which will toss the unusually sharp cymbal at his neck while I lean over and turn on the stereo so that sounds of the band Dethklok fighting with each other will be heard while the cymbals half-decapitate "Ned" in what is likely to change the rating for this fanfic. I can't believe I managed to fit this whole explication (ooh, nice word) on one of your teensy pages in my teensy handwriting!

Yay! A new paragraph! Ned's stepping up to the door. And the chipmunk sentry squeaks, and… dang it! Ned jumped, but his head didn't hit the piñata because he's too short.

However, the chipmunk decides to viciously attack the piñata, and its pink donkey stomach yawns open for all of its goodies to fall out. And so the other chipmunks come and to eat and play on the wheels, just like I planned… or not… They're the fat and lazy sort; they don't want to run on the wheels because it's exercise! CRUD!

Luckily, a REALLY strong wind blows, which turns the wheels sans rodents. So the current is flowing to the brain… and it's… it's…

…refusing the shock therapy? -.- What kind of celebrity brain is that? Unless it's a… scientologist! Like Tom Cruise! GASPINGNESS! Scientologists refuse all forms of medical treatment, shock therapy included! Crud! But the chipmunk who tore apart the piñata leaps playfully onto the silly hand mechanism, which causes it to fall down to neck height anyway. I don't know why the chipmunk did that… Maybe that chipmunk likes glitter. In any case, I am indebted to him.

But Ned's turning the wrong way! So the feathers aren't reaching his nose. He won't sneeze! So the chipmunk sentry squeaks, calling Ned's attention to it, (that guy really likes me… the chipmunk that is,) and Ned sneezes, ANNND…

He didn't sneeze hard enough. -.-;; But the wind comes to my aid once more, triggering the deadly, sillily-decorated mechanism. I lean back and switch on the Metalocalypse sounds I stole from a web site and then quickly lean forward to see… that…

The cymbal missed! I don't believe thissssss! What could have happened???

…Is that a nickel he's holding? He leaned over to pick up petty currency and avoided curtain death? …I want that nickel! It's mine!

Jim Bob, I am rushing to the door. I need that nickel, and my pizza! I throw open the door.

"You are late!" I declare officially.

"Uhm…" The guy (I can't call him Ned anymore; that's not really his name, after all) checks his watch. "Actually, it's only been fifteen minutes."

"Oh. Dang."

"Yeah."

"…"

"…" Pepperoni Face (what? It's true!) proffers the pizza toward me. "You want this pizza or not?"

"You walked up the front walk with that in your hands?" I ask suspiciously. I don't remember ever seeing it when he was clawing his way out of the crocodile pit…

"Naw, I flew the pizza to the front door on a hover-type thing, and then I walked… sort of, up your front walk." Pepperoni Face grimaces, and his voice cracks like you'd think Yugi's would be doing all the time, but it isn't, and I can't tell whether he's being sarcastic or not. "Um, I think I hurt my ankle. Instead of giving me some sort of tip, could you just let me use your phone?"

I let out a puff of breath. "Eh… I dunno…"

"Please?" Pepperoni Face looks at me with an utterly pained expression. "Hey, what are you writing in that notebook?"

:Later:

I snapped you shut, Jim Bob, and said "Nothing!" quite tersely. Then I grabbed the pizza (which I think he was hiding up his sleeves or something, 'cause I mean, I didn't see him carrying it at all. You know when people say "I just pulled that idea out of my butt?" …No? Well, I hope he didn't do that). I yelled "Wait here!" Then I went and grabbed the money I needed to pay the man. Then I sent him to the Shadow Realm. I didn't even tell him about my coupon.

Problem solved. Except…

Now I'm bored again. ;-; Maybe I should have invited him in. And he gave me the wrong kind of pizza! This one has anchovies. ;-; EW! Although I guess I could just pull them off…

So now I'm just staring at the pizza, writing in you and wondering if I should go and do something crazy like buy a pet snake.

…The doorbell just rang! YES! Somebody to hang out with! MAYBE IT'S THE GIRL I'VE BEEN OBSESSING—ER, thinking about.

…It's Marik and Malik.

"You're not her," I say pointedly, even though they don't have any clue what I'm talking about. "You're not even close." Honestly, Jim Bob. They had my hopes up so high. Although that girl quite literally doesn't know I exist…

Malik nudges Marik.

"See," he says, "I told you he's been writing in that journal non-stop."

"Where'd you hear that?" asks his darker side.

"On da street."

"Da street?"

"Da street."

"Da street?"

"Da street!" Malik says proudly.

"What do you guys want?" I ask, still writing in you, Jim Bob.

:Later:

This is what they wanted.

"We heard that you were being something of a misanthrope," says Marik creepily, holding his hands in front of him and twitching his fingers like you'd think Igor would or something.

"Even more than usual," Malik adds in. "So we got you something to help you pass the time so you wouldn't have to spend all your time writing in your diary."

"It's a journal." They stare at my pointedly. "I mean… I don't, uh, have a notebook."

"You sad, sad little tomb robber," Marik says, shaking his head. "We got you two presents to help you—"

"I don't need any—did you say two presents?" Never turn down free stuff, Jim Bob. Malik smirked at me because… well, I don't know. Probably just because he thinks his Smirk™ makes him look like one bad dude.

"Yes. The first one is going to take some unpacking." Malik pointed to a huge present filling up the back of his brother's truck, which was somehow supposed to make it through my doorway.

We eventually got it in, and they helped me put it in my room. And then I got to unwrap the bad boy! And it wwwwwwwwwaaaaasssssss….

A terrarium with a boa constrictor. :) I have great frien—accomplices.

"And that's not even the coolest gift," Marik told me. Malik rolled his eyes at him and shushed him, but Marik grabbed my arm and pulled me out to Odion's car, knocking my elbow against everything on the way.

In the corner of the truck, was a normal-sized gift, wrapped in nice wrapping paper with moose (meese? moosen? mooses?) all over it.

"It's the coolest gift ever," Marik told me in a hushed voice, as we headed back towards the house. "By the way, did you know there are crocodile skeletons in the pit in your front yard? Did you forget to feed them again?"