The Pharaoh's Corrupting Our Schools!!!
WOOOOO!
Chapter 18: Bakura's life is so hard
Author's note: I'll keep this short; I don't own what you see here, minus the plot and dialogue and the order the words are in and stuff, and also, they really do make gifts like this.
As soon as we got inside, I tore open the gift. It was… a box! I was disappointed. Then Malik told me to open the box, and so I did. And inside the box was… that confetti stuff. I was disappointed. Then Marik told me to dig through the confetti stuff, and I did.
And I found a moose.
Not anything lame like a severed moose head (I already have one of those) or its antlers, but a cute (I did not just write the word cute! I NEED to get a pencil or one of those pen erasers) stuffed moose.
"…Okay…" I said, giving it a suspicious glance and a tentative hug. It was soft.
"Look at its hands," Marik said, grinning. Malik rolled his eyes again. His eyes are going to fall out if he keeps doing so; Ryou told me that when I used to roll my eyes at him. So I've stopped doing that.
I looked at it's… um, do moose (meese) have hands? Paws? No… um… hooves. Anyway, so I looked at them. One said "Record" and one said "Play."
I pressed Play, and heard Marik singing, "I hope you get fat. I love you Marshall, but I hate you Slim."
"My name isn't Marshall," I grumble, "and yadonushi's name isn't Slim."
"No, it's a parody of a rap song," Marik said. Malik explains that Marik was sugar high at the time… yeah, he's stupid when he's sugar high. It's not like he runs around wielding a knife, he just kind of… sits, and convulses and twitches and then screams and then sings. It's actually pretty messed up. Ok, so it's really messed up. More messed up than Lisa Trevor ripping her mother's face off in Resident Evil. …Ok, so it's not that messed up. But it's still really scary.
"…Why did you give me a moose that has Marik singing on it?" I asked in my creepy-pissed-off-British-guy tone.
"No, dude, look." Malik leaned in towards me and presses the hoof (or whatever) marked Record. "Bakura is stuuuuuuuupid," he says. A beep sounded. Then he pressed Play.
"Bakura is stuuuuuuuupid," the moose repeated.
"Interesting," I say. "Why does it sound so faint?"
"But its butt next to your ear and then play it," he instructed.
"The moose's butt?"
"It's a stuffed moose. Get over it."
"I really don't see why this is so cool," I said, even after I realized that the speaker is located in the stuffed animal's rear.
"It's a Pharaoh Scarer," said Malik in a serious, hushed voice. I couldn't help it; I burst out laughing.
"I thought you were supposed to be all goody-goody now," I teased.
"That doesn't mean I don't think scaring the living daylights out of an Egyptian Pharaoh is funny," he says.
Then he told me his idea. It sounds like a really dorky idea. After all, it involves meese.
:Later:
"Do you have to take that diary with you?" Malik snaps at me. He is annoying.
"Leave him alone," Marik says. "It's his security item."
"Like you and your pookie?"
o.O I wonder what that is, Jim Bob… So anyway, my accomplices have thought up this really lame idea. They're going to record Yugi saying that he hates Yami, and then set it the moose out for Yami to find, with a note on him that says it's from Yugi. It's so lame. Now, here's how I would do it:
"Bakura's Spirit of the Dark Ring is KING!" the 10' stuffed moose in Yugi's voice would say, only the voice of pure evil would have been deepened and computerized. Fire would spew from its nostrils. "Bakura's Spirit of the Dark Ring is KING! …Hey, that rhymes."
The Pharaoh would sink to his knees. "Noooooooooooooo!" he would cry out, beckoning to the heavens above to give him some sort of clue as to why they have forsaken him.
Come to think of it, would Yami really care all that much if Yugi hates him? I mean, the kid did tackle him. And Yami's leg hairs could keep him company, anyway. I mean, he's got so freakin' many of them… And they're big enough to have their own brains by now, I bet.
"Did you just write the word leg hairs?" Marik inquires.
Malik gives me a dark look. "You're not writing about my sister, are you?"
O.o "Creepy."
"Like the Toxic music video?" Malik inquires.
"How do you know about that?" Marik laughs.
"Um, I don't… except that Odion was watching it last night on the computer… again… he's in love with Britney Spears."
"I'm afraid of Britney Spears," Marik starts singing. We both stare at him. You're staring at him too, Jim Bob, with your googley eyes.
"It's a real song," he informs us.
"Do Japanese people really care that much about American pop singers?" I wonder aloud. "I wouldn't know, because I am… British!"
"Somebody's very proud of their country," Malik observes.
I blink. "Egypt? We weren't talking about Egypt."
"No; Great Britain."
"Aha! Loser; actually Great Britain is a collection of more than one country," I say.
"Aha! Thank you for proving my point," Malik says.
…What? I don't get it.
"Hey! Yugi's coming home!" Marik points at the future football player walking down the sidewalk… on the side. (What do you do on a sidewalk? You walk! On the side! Geez, Jim Bob. Stop rolling your googly eyes at me! They're gonna fall out!)
So, as the unruly mess of yellow, red, and black hair nears us, we have to leap out of the bushes (we're stationed in the bushes) at just the right moment as to scare him.
"Hi Malik!" Yugi waves to the allegedly reformed Egyptian, who was standing up in plain sight this whole time. "Do you need something from the shop?"
"No!" Marik leaps up, startling Yugi.
"Oh, Marik… I saw you, but I thought you were, like, sleeping or something." Yugi pauses. "You do realize that this is a rose bush, right? There's thorns."
"Yes, they're making my arm feel nice and light…" That was me, Jim Bob. Not only is it true, but he turned the funniest shade of white. It's so great.
"Um… ho-ho-ho-o-kay," Yugi laughs.
"You just said 'ho ho ho,'" Malik says accusingly. Is he going to make a… "What are we… Santa Clauses?" Yes! A Santa joke!
Yugi blinks at him. "Who?"
Malik rolls his eyes. "I thought you were all into American culture. Don't you know who Santa Claus is?"
"Um… no?" Yugi plays with one of his bangs nervously, which is weird because he's trying to twirl it around his finger, even though it looks as stiff as a board and won't twirl at all. "Who are you talking about?"
"It's a fat guy who wears red and rides reindeer and gives out presents."
"…Oook," says Yugi.
"It happens around Christmas."
"Oh, okay," Yugi says, and he looks as if he's mentally leaving himself a post-it note never to travel to America during the month of December.
"So." Marik gives Yugi a smug look, and gives me the signal. Sighing, I shove the moose's rump into the bushes so that it will pick up what Yugi says without him seeing that I'm holding a frickin' stuffed moose.
Marik nods at me, and I wonder why we're frie—accomplices. I need new ones. I nod back to him in a bored fashion.
"So," he repeats, "I heard you hate Yami." I press the 'Record' button. It beeps, loudly, and Yugi blinks.
"I hate Yami?" Yugi says in a lame, innocent voice. We stay silent and stare at him, and he gulps, and I try to pull the moose away a bit so that it won't pick up the gulp (as if I'm faster than the speed of sound,) which ruffles the leaves loudly, and he looks nervous and looks down at his sneakers, flushing a bit from whatever emotion people feel when they're in the situation he's in. After a few more awkward seconds of silence, another beep sounds, signaling that the moose is done recording. I toss it at Marik, who shoves it in Yugi's face and laughs, and then rushes off with Malik, who's pretending to try to apologize to Yugi for having his bizarre other half shove a stuffed animal in Yugi's face.
And I just sit here.
"I'm not part of this," I say.
"Okay," says Yugi naively, and I know he believes me. "…Watcha writin'?" he asks after a minute. I spit at him, stand up, start to mosey off.
"Yugi, why aren't you inside yet?" Yugi's grandfather asks him, sticking his head outside. "Oh, hello, Bakura! Want to come inside for some tea?" Wait a minute… Yugi's grandfather!
I book it out of there. He's a creepy, creepy man, man.
Hey, I booked it out of there… holding you, and you're a book… he he he ha...!
…Siiigh…
This moose thing has really got me down. Talk about lame. I mean, I suppose it could have its uses, but Malik's plan will never work; I mean, Yugi'll tell Yami what happened. The only surprise the Pharaoh will get is when he finds out Yugi's telling the truth and that they really did use a moose that records. And I'm part of it…. but the Pharaoh won't know that. Yugi'll tell him I wasn't part of it; after all, I told him so.
…Whiiiiiiine! Yes, I narrated my whining! The moose was a gift for me, and I could've at least bothered Ryou with it, but they ran off with it, and Ryou's in the Shadow Realm, and I just ran into a FENCE! Ow! I have a splinter in my shnoz.
…
…There; I pulled it out.
My life is so hard. ;-;
…I think I'll turn emo.
If you don't review this chapter… you must be emo.