Maxwell Family Values
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4. It doesn't matter what the problem is. If a Maxwell needs you, you jump through hoops, you walk through fire, you steal the French ambassador's motorcade, you drop everything and fucking get there and do whatever the hell you can for them. Whatever we may be, we're a family, above anything and everything else.
---
Reno was bored, armed, and the pasta was getting cold without him.
A deadly combination.
"Yo, I got stuff to do at home," he shouted at his partner Rude from the opposite rooftop. "Don't you think we could finish this up later?"
He didn't need to see the black man's eyes to see the put-upon crease in them. After all, he was always wearing those damn sunglasses anyway. There was a fizz in his ear, and Reno just smirked as Rude spoke into the hidden microphone in his sleeve.
"We're on surveillance, Reno," he said coolly. "That means silence is kind of important."
"Hey, I told you earlier today that we've got an official Maxwell dinner, it's not like this is spontaneous or something, you know," Reno snapped. "I have to be there for this kind of shit! If I'm getting another little heathen in the family, I want to meet the son of a bitch before inviting him into my house."
Most Turks didn't mention family. Most didn't have one, like Rude. No last names were ever used, no old stories about pre-Turk life, no nothing. Rude was an unofficial Maxwell uncle, sure, but that was the only connection he had, aside from being the partner and best friend (and yeah, occasional fuckbuddy, let's face it, the guy was hot) of Reno. The Maxwell family was a haven for the unconnected, and every single Turk had shown up at least once for dinner.
Plus Rabi was one hell of a cook, and Reno wanted his damn pasta.
"Rufus won't like it," Rude said into the mike, and Reno glared at him.
"Fuck, you hit so below the belt my toes are missing, you bastard," Reno grumbled. Of course. Bring up one of the infamous Maxwell Boyfriends. The fact he happened to be Reno's boss didn't have anything to do with it either – and anyone who thought it did was usually thoroughly educated on the subject by his beloved electrically charged rod, which was currently tapping against his thigh. "Look, we both know the bastard's not going to show, and even if he did you could take him out all by yourself."
Fact. No flattery. Turks were picked up for three qualities: a lack of morality, the capability of doing anything from coffee-fetching to face-to-face murder, and the ability to stand alone. If you didn't make it through your first mission, you weren't a Turk anyway.
"…You know I'll have to report this to Rufus and Tseng," Rude grumbled.
Reno smirked. "Not if you wait 'till I show up at five in the morning, right here, and we show at ShinRa together after a long night of surveillance."
Being extremely devious and ruthless was also unofficially on the list of Turk-necessary qualifications. There was no hesitancy in the nod Rude gave him.
"If anyone shows looking for me, tell 'em I went for a coffee break," Reno winked. Especially since Reno's 'coffee breaks' usually involved drinking himself silly and getting into an all-out bar brawl.
"Just get out of here," Rude said, and received a mocking salute.
"Later, partner."
"Later."
And Reno deftly swung himself from his rooftop perch onto the fire escape, sliding down easily as he headed home at a dead sprint – something he could keep up for a damn long time. Hell, any Maxwell could, let alone a Turk.
The weird thing, though, was meeting Axel chatting up a sulky, glaring blond kid as they walked towards the Maxwell household.
"Yo, Axel," he saluted his twin, who smirked.
"Got red on you," he said in that sing-songy way that he knew pissed Reno off, but he was too busy checking for the red.
"Really? Aw, shit, Duo's gonna knife me to a wall…" he paused, blinking at the blond. "You the newest addition?"
"Reno Maxwell, meet Naruto Maxwell," Axel said, sweeping his arms dramatically and pushing the blond towards the eldest (by about eight minutes…) Maxwell.
"What the hell is with everyone pushing me?" Naruto sighed as Reno sized him up. Yep, just like Duo had said.
He grinned devilishly at the kid. "It's because we're all sadistic bastards who get our jollies off abusing little children."
"Oi, oi, Reno!" Axel said, looking scandalized. "Lay off 'Ruto! He's already a Maxwell, no need to get punched in the face."
Reno blinked up at his twin. "He seriously that fast?"
"You want to try me?" Naruto growled, already sick and tired of all the pushing and judging.
"Ooooh, feisty," Reno smirked. "Can we keep him?"
"Yeah, see, that was kind of the idea," Axel drawled, and shoved Reno towards the house. "Duo and Rabi were about ready to skewer me when I freaked 'Ruto out and he went running off to Twilight Sands." He took a moment to smirk at his twin. "Kazekage himself wanted to keep him all to himself until I got Rox- uh, the Tsukikage to negotiate the return of a Maxwell to a Maxwell."
Reno whistled, looking down at the blond. "Sand family itself? Damn, no wonder Duo picked you out as a Maxwell."
"Speaking of Duo…" a familiar voice called from the shadows, and out came a frowning Duo Maxwell, arms crossed over his chest and eyes glaring at the redheaded twins. "I hear Duo's about to get angry for keeping Rabi stuck at the stove for an hour while waiting for you three."
"The sweet pleasures of domesticity," Reno rolled his eyes. "Duo, I just got off work. Rufus is going to fucking kill me for bailing mid-op already, I don't need a non-vital organ stabbed out right now."
"Then do your own damn laundry, if you even remember how," Duo grumbled as they turned a corner, and bam, the house of Maxwell's front gate stood in front of them. Within two seconds, the digital lock clicked and the gate swung open.
At Naruto's stare, Duo shrugged. "The code changes every two hours. We just hack it ourselves to get in."
"And please note that Duo is the only one who can do it like that," Reno grumbled. "Takes me three fucking minutes to even get through the gate."
Naruto's blue eyes widened, and he turned towards Axel, who just shrugged. "I don't even bother. I just jump over the damn thing."
He jumped. He jumped over a pokey, eight-foot-tall iron fence. Naruto just shook his head. "Are all Maxwells insanely good at being bad?"
"You betcha!" Duo said happily, leading the family inside and slamming the gate behind them. "Don't worry, we'll teach you plenty about being a Maxwell. I'm assuming the twins walking you in means 100 acceptance, though…?"
"Hell yeah!" Reno grinned. "The little firecracker's stuck for good if he sticks for dinner."
"Oh, right, that reminds me," Duo said, scratching the back of his head. "Rabi said he's got the mallets ready for you two, and said for me to have The Talk with Naruto."
Axel frowned. "But-"
"ME, Thing Two," Duo snapped. "As his official first sponsor-"
"You're the only first sponsor, what the hell," Reno grumbled, but Duo just plowed right over him.
"- I need to explain what a fully sponsored sit-down Maxwell dinner would bind him to," Duo said.
The twins stared at him.
"You sound like a fucking encyclopedia," Reno said simply, and headed inside, hands raised as he went through. Naruto winced at the ominous BANG that he could hear thirty feet from the front door as something hit something else really, really hard.
"…hey, 'Ruto, just remember we'd like to see you around even if you walk away, alright?" Axel said a bit hesitantly, and ruffled Naruto's hair.
"Stop doing that!" Naruto snapped, only to make Axel grin widely and give him a short wave before carefully ducking through the front door, a THUD and an "OW FUCK" tearing back towards the blond before the door even shut.
Duo, however, seemed completely disinterested in the beatings commencing inside the house. "Alright, I'll just tell you it straight out," he said, flinging his braid back behind his body as he crossed his arms over his chest. "If you stay after dinner, you are one hundred percent, bona fide Maxwell. We officially adopt you, train you a bit, and you are forever part of our big fucked up family. If you stand up, say 'hey, thanks for the meal', and leave, you're not. Well, okay, you don't have to say thanks for the meal, but Rabi'd kill you if you didn't say you liked it after all this trouble. You follow me?"
Naruto nodded hesitantly. "So…if I stay, I'm a Maxwell."
"Yup," Duo grinned. "I made up a bed just in case too, which I know is kinda presumptuous but it's better to be safe than sorry you know-"
"I'm staying."
Duo blinked at him. "…huh?"
Naruto grinned, eyes wide and happy. "I'm staying. I'm staying even if the pasta sucks and someone ends up with a knife in their throat before the meal ends. I'm staying even if someone lights the house on fire or I get shot in the foot or or ANYTHING." He laughed. "I'm a Maxwell, Duo! I found people that…that are like me, do you know how freaky and awesome that is?!"
Duo was absolutely still, staring at the blond.
"…Duo?" Naruto asked hesitantly, slightly freaked out by realizing how purple the brunet's hair was when he was concentrating. "Hey, Duo, you okay-"
He didn't have time to react. One moment he was standing on the strangely pristine path in the Maxwells' trimmed gardens that led to the house, and the next all he could see and smell was leather jacket as he was crushed in an almost violent hug from Duo.
"You are such a fucking Maxwell," Duo chuckled, and dodged Naruto's punch to the chin with a chuckle, releasing him. "Come on, youngest! Onward, to the pasta! Which, by the way, will be awesome. Even Rabi's gruel tastes awesome."
Naruto rolled his eyes. "Gruel never tastes good."
"Well, prepare to have your worldview shaken then," Duo sniped, ushering Naruto inside.
Rabi Maxwell was standing in the foyer, a metal mallet twirling about one of his hands as he glared at the two redheaded forms clutching ice to their heads.
"Oh good," he said, voice scary and completely chipper. "We can FINALLY get dinner on the table."
Duo just snickered, helping the twins to their feet and into chairs while Rabi…did…stuff in the kitchen. The bouncing brunet wonder pulled a chair out for Naruto, and then himself, and one for Rabi right as a plate of spaghetti and marinara was nearly slammed onto the table. Dishes and silverware was already set on the table, and Naruto blinked as the serving utensils were put in his hand by a smiling (and not in a vicious-killing-with-a-steel-mallet way) Rabi. "Go for it, lil' bro."
Naruto grinned.
He did.
---
Naruto Uzumaki was withdrawn from South City High the next day, much to Iruka Umino's befuddlement and secret disappointment. He was also officially adopted by a Seras Maxwell, 26, female, who had already adopted two other orphans from the city and had yet to update a single legal document since being 17, legal name changing to Naruto Maxwell.
Iruka's questions fell on a mostly-deaf ear when he took the only other Maxwell he had any power over – Duo – aside for a brief inquiry. The kid had been looking a little worn around the edges anyway, he'd have done it even if there hadn't been a sudden record change the second day of school.
"Naaaaaah, I'm fine. Just…family stuff keeping me up," Duo had yawned at him a week into the school year, half-asleep on Heero Yuy (who was entirely asleep) while the rest of the class finished the essays these two had turned in twenty minutes ago. He'd suspect them of cheating if they'd had time to do it. "New baby brother taking his first steps into being a Maxwell and all…" He yawned, and once again was out like a light, curled against the same young man clutching his braid like a cherished teddy bear.
An infamous Maxwell Boyfriend. Of those, he had two in school.
Yuu Kanda was harder to have a chat with during school, especially since he had little to no respect for authority figures and seemed to turn bright red and start breaking things at the mention of Rabi Maxwell. Iruka managed to keep that in check by suggesting that he could get Rabi's daily schedule out of Duo.
It took him three days to even manage that. All he got about Naruto, however, was that the blond was officially a Maxwell "in all but body and psycho-emotional bullshit", whatever that meant. When he'd asked for elaboration, the young man had blushed scarlet all the way from his black turtleneck to the inky black hair tied in a high ponytail like a modern samurai. Mr. Kanda had immediately stuck his hand out and demanded the schedule.
Wisely, Iruka Umino had backed off, even if Allen Walker did manage to stumble in for the conversation and laugh himself unconscious due to lack of oxygen. It gave Iruka a useful excuse to retreat.
At the two week mark, Duo had left his own group of friends (a motley bunch including Quatre Winner, Trowa Barton, Wufei Chang, and of course Heero Yuy) all on his own and confronted Iruka at lunch.
"I get that you're worried for him," Duo had said, seated comfortably in the teacher's office chair when Iruka had opened the door. After Iruka recovered from the heart attack, Duo continued. "He appreciates it. And Naruto Maxwell will be back in South City in no time, he just needs some time to adjust to things."
Iruka had tried to glare, but was still a bit freaked out at the kid being in his previously locked office before he opened the door. "You can guarantee that?"
He'd shrugged, pulling his feet off the desk and walking for the door. "As much as anyone can, yes." Duo paused. "He's a Maxwell now, Iruka. We're just making sure he can stay alive while being one."
---
"Again, 'Ruto," Axel sighed, green eyes almost iridescent in the light of the basement as he stepped in. "I saw you as soon as I walked through the damn door. Either throw something at me while I'm light-blinded or hide better."
"How the hell can you see me?! Naruto shouted, moving out of his extremely good hiding place…and Axel shot him with a paintball gun, smirking. "…What The Hell."
Axel just shrugged. "I knew you were down here. Didn't need to know more than that for you to come out and let me shoot you."
Naruto glared. "You are such a cheater."
"Noooo, I'm teaching you tactics!" Axel grinned, eyeing Naruto's paint-splattered shirt. He blinked. "Seriously, is that all from today?" Each day he'd changed colors, and with that amount of green…man, Naruto really had to be slacking. Axel flicked on the lights.
Naruto actually blushed at that. "Uh, last night was kind of, um…distracting."
Axel paused. He pondered. And then he laughed his ass off. "Oh my god, they kept you up all night didn't they?!"
The blush deepened. "I put fucking oven mitts over my ears with DUCT TAPE and I could still hear them!"
He would find, however, that there was no sympathy to be found with Axel. When he finally stopped laughing, he shook his head. "Forgot you're probably not used to people fucking like rabbits in the middle of the night. You're on the same floor as Duo, right?" Naruto nodded. "See, I moved down here to avoid Reno's 'nighttime fun', among other things. I say you take the attic and I keep the basement. The walls aren't the most insulated things in the world, but the floors are pretty damn good at keeping the noise out."
Naruto frowned. "But there's nothing up there."
Axel had just grinned. "YET."
And thus, Naruto had yet another task appointed to him.
---
Dastardly Tactics was Axel's job. Since his job had no set timeframe (sometimes the other Maxwells even wondered if he had a job, but then again he'd occasionally disappear for a few days and always got a paycheck), neither did Naruto's little sessions with Axel. Occasionally this would result in what Axel called 'surprise tactics' and Naruto called 'scaring the shit out of me and trying to punch Axel for it'. But mostly Dastardly Tactics involved shadow-lurking, the basics of manipulation, and, despite Naruto's reluctance to admit it, the art of surprise attacks and how to achieve maximum results using them.
Dastardly Tactics was an incredibly easy class compared to the others. Reno's, for example, usually involved Naruto running across rooftops and getting into bar brawls. City Survival, he called it. Getting The Shit Kicked Out Of Me, Naruto grumbled it should be named, although he didn't mind the part where he learned how to kick the shit out of other people. The only bad part about it was that City Survival usually took place in the wee hours of the morning and had more than once been interrupted by a pissed-off blond man decked out in a pure white suit with a trained black panther at his side showing up in their yard at an area, he learned, that was already designated for Pissed Off Helicopter Landings. The man, Naruto learned, was Rufus Shinra, president and CEO of ShinRa Power and Industries, INC, and more importantly (apparently; Naruto had no idea why, really…) a Maxwell Boyfriend.
Which amounted to City Survival being dropped for whatever business they had together, be it 'private time' in Reno's area of the house or Reno getting snapped at and basically told to get in the helicopter before Rufus shot him.
"Ah, true love," Rabi had sighed once at these 'get in the fucking helicopter, Reno' instances. That had earned him a warning shot from Rufus' shotgun straight into the wall next to his ear, which in turn got Rabi's tongue stuck out at the older man.
Rabi's class was quite aptly called Whatever Rabi Wants Dammit. It was usually explaining the history of Maxwells – starting with the biological (as far as they knew) Maxwell family, consisting of Big Sister Seras (practically the Virgin Mary to Maxwells) and the much younger twins of Reno and Axel. Seras had been taken from the orphanage, the twins had gone searching for her and ended up in Twilight Sands, become Kazekage while posing as one person. At the same time, Rabi had been in East City Elementary and scrounging the streets for food and only Duo knew where he'd been and Duo didn't seem too keen on talking about it any time soon. When the twins left their position as Kazekage (via Reno getting an offer from the Turk division of ShinRa, and almost immediately later Axel getting one from what was only called "The Organization") they found Duo dying of frostbite in an alley, took him home, nearly died when he woke up and they realized he had a knife on him, and then adopted him. They bought the House of Maxwell. Duo picked up Rabi from his middle school, Rabi became a Maxwell, time went on, and bam, Naruto cane into the scene.
Rabi didn't technically have a job. He did, however, rake in more money than the twins combined if he had a good week. All those books of his apparently were more important and dangerous than Naruto had thought, which was one of the reasons Rabi would give him a big book full of nothing but information about adhesive explosives or whatever, lock him in the Libraroom until he could pass an oral quiz about it, and then sent off to whatever his next Maxwell Academy class was.
No books ever left the Libraroom. That was something he learned in his very first lesson from Duo, which he just called Mischief 101. First lesson, get a book out of the Libraroom. It turned out there was a security device in every single book's cover that would shriek the moment he left the room, even if he tried the window or (in an act of desperation) breaking through the floor. Duo had given him points for the floor attempt, too. Rabi, however, had knocked him silly with that stupid fucking hammer of his.
Another rule in the Maxwell family: Thou Shalt Fear The Hammer And Its Swift Bash Of Justice.
Mischief 101 was actually one of his most instructive classes. Pickpocketry, knife-throwing, sneaking (which included a lot of what he learned in Dastardly Tactics), and hand-to-hand defense was included in it.
But really, fighting was a terrifying group effort. Duo seemed to specialize in the silent kill, which was not-so-subtle Maxwellian for assassination. Rabi was Fucking Shit Up, usually involving making as much of a mess as he could, throwing anything and everything that could be a weapon in a rather effective form of combat. Axel was what the others called a 'specialist', who had thrown Naruto through a few physical tests before buying him a bunch of knives called kunai and teaching him how to use them. Reno, however…Reno was very, very good at just plain Killing You, and did his best to show Naruto the quickest ways to get out of an inevitable fight, even if it was slitting a guy in the calf and then the throat and running away – which, thankfully, was practiced with spoons from the silverware drawer.
In what little spare time he had, he went shopping with the Maxwells, usually at least two of them; they seemed almost giddy to spend time with the youngest family member, and Naruto was almost embarrassed at how happy he was in turn. But in the month spent at Maxwell Academy, he refurbished the attic into a unique, rather Japanese-feeling dwelling with just about every bit of furniture he'd let them buy him in there.
("Why the hell would I need a curio?!"
"But 'Ruto, it's shiny! And you can always find a use for it later."
"I AM NOT PUTTING A CURIO IN THE ATTIC."
"Axel's got a point, little bro, you will ALWAYS find a use for extra storage."
"Yeah, like that bookshelf in my room I got from Rabi-"
"Reno I gave you that so you would get BOOKS-"
"NO. CURIO.")
He had also bought himself a stereo and enough CDs that even Reno was questioning the use of funds (and the man would splurge on things at random – he still had 300 red M&Ms with 'FU' custom-stamped on them), but when Naruto bought the karaoke machine for the game room, nobody seemed to find a problem with it.
Naruto Uzumaki had lived.
Naruto Maxwell was LIVING, hard and fast. Every day was full of adrenaline and a bizarre bond with his brothers. Unlike Naruto Uzumaki, Naruto Maxwell wasn't just living, he felt truly alive.
Naruto Maxwell enrolled in South City High School a month and a half after the school year had begun.