The Pharaoh's Corrupting Our Schools!
Chapter 30!
Quick A/N: I wrote this at camp, where I was introduced to 24. I thought this was funny then, and I hope you think it's funny now!
Today, Jim Bob, is the day I use my spiffy Chibifier on Ryou! Yes, I know last time I wrote, dragons with six heads and bear claws were going to attack me while I was tied up. But I escaped easily. I AM a master thief, after all. We're good at escaping. (What do you mean, that never happened? A dream? No way!) I can even pronounce escape, unlike a certain blue fish in a movie I watched with Ryou last nite.
Yes, I watched a dumb movie with host, AND I used the cutesy spelling of the word night: "Nite." (Adorable!) But I had good reasons. He offered me apple pie, and writing four letters instead of five saves time. But besides those two unquestionable motives, I also learned a valuable lesson from Finding Nemo, and that is that fish need to beat their children. That way, their children will respect them. Then Marlin wouldn't of had to go on an incredible journey, risking life and fin, to find his son, 'cuz his son wouldn't of touched the "butt" and been captured by a dentist in the first place. (Using 'cuz instead of because? Also really cool.)
Anyway, so I guess this means that once I chibify Ryou, I'll have to lock him in a closet. What do you mean, that's against the law? …Oh. Oh yeah. …That's child abuse, rite? Well, I'll just have to put him on a leash. I think that's legal in some states. Japan's a state, rite?
…
…
No, no, I'm pretty sure Japan is a state, Jim Bob. I might've read it on Wikipedia, so it has to be true. The Internet wouldn't lie. So, I guess all that's left is to buy a leash.
"Bakura!"
Ryou comes rushing in, his eyes happy and bright. "Our new neighbors just bought the most adorable Pomeranian!"
On second though, I could just steal one.
Later!
Ok, so, it is now later, I have a tiny wound in my hand, and I realized it's 6:30 in the morning. Who buys a dog and brings it home so early? And why was Ryou up? Why am I up? I'm going back to sleep.
"Bakura, did you try to pet Mad Dog?"
"What makes you say that?"
"Well, your hand is bleeding…" Ryou points to my hand with his unscarred one.
"NO." How does he know these things? "I'm taking a nap, don't wake me up. Go and… watch early morning cartoons, or something. Whatever it is you do early in the morning," I growl.
Ryou laffs. I growl again. "Bakura, I outgrew those years ago!" he exclaims.
Well, I get the feeling soon he'll be liking them again…
More later!
It is now 9:45, AM. "A respectable time to be awake," I insist.
"Go 'way," Marik grumbles on the other side of the rainbow –er, telephone.
"You wanna help me—"
"No. Talk to Malik."
"He's awake?" I'm surprised.
"No. MALIK!" Y/M screams. I can hear him crashing thru the Ishtar's abode. "MAAA-lik! Maaaa-LIK!"
"Eh?" I hear Malik, well, eh. "What is it?"
"Sit up. Phone call." I hear Malik sitting up.
"Huhh?" he huhhs.
SMACK.
Malik fumbles with the fone. "Hello?" he yawns.
"Hey Malik, wanna—"
He cuts me off: "Too early… Must… get… beauty sleep."
"MARIIIK!" I hear a girl scream. Oh snap. (No, no, no! I can't believe I just said that! Oh, wait, I didn't say it, I just wrote it. That's not as bad…)
"No," Malik says, "you said it too."
"MAAARIK!" An unearthly shriek pierces my ears from the other side of the phone.
"Listen, Marik woke Ishizu up, so I'm gonna wet myself and hide in a closet." Malik yawns. "Bye."
Click. Well, dang; Who's gonna help me with Mad Dog? Maybe I'll do that later today… Let's see what's on my calendar.
Prank call KaibaCorp. Perfect.
I'm dialing him up now, Jim Bob. It's ringing…
"Bakura, I know that it's you," Kaiba says.
"¿Qué?"
"Cut it out, Bakura."
"Yo no soy Bakura. Me llamo Ricardo."
"I know it's you. I have Caller ID," Kaiba says.
"Oh yeah?" Just now, some guy drove by outside with the windows down and rap music way, way up, which reminded me of Kaiba and that song that was playing in his car. I'm sorely tempted 2 ask him about it, but instead I'll just taunt him. "Why are you at work already?"
"The company's not gonna run itself."
"Yeah, but I thought that u wer the President, not a janitor."
"It's CEO, and spell your words correctly when you speak." o.o How did he know? "I can read minds."
"Really?"
"No." He hangs up. I call him back.
"WHAT?"
"Look, I know you can't be busy. I bet you're the only one there."
"All KaibaCorp employees begin their work day at 3 AM sharp," Kaiba recites.
"Oh. When do they get off?"
"3 AM sharp."
"Holidays?" I ask.
"Don't count on 'em."
"Do you like Pomeranians?"
"No."
"Wanna help me battle one?"
"'Battle'?" Kaiba repeats, sounding baffled. "No."
"I have blackmail on you."
"No you don't."
"I'll kidnap your brother."
"No you won't."
I gotta think. Think. …I got it!
"I'll add you as a friend on MySpace," I declare, as if pained me to even consider a person like Kaiba an online friend.
"Don't have one."
"Isn't there one for KaibaCorp?"
"That was created by a cult of my fangirls," he explains. "It's not official."
"Look," I lie, "I just thought you'd want to help me push Joey around…"
"Wheeler?" Kaiba says.
"Yeah, Joey; that's the Pomeranian's name," I lie.
I could hear Kaiba smiling. I think it ripped his face.
"A dog named Joey?" he muses. Then he starts laughing maniacally.
"Meet me at 11," I say. I hang up, with him still laughing psychopathically on the other end. Omg.
That done, I slink into the living room, where Ryou is watching 24. In broad daylite. Wimp. Everyone knows that you need to watch 24 at nite, when your supposed to be sleeping, so when the scarier bits happen you can feel shivers. …If you're not a tomb thief, and experience those types of things.
"Oh my gosh! Terry! Get out of the car!" He squeals, clasping his hand to his mouth. "That's not her father!!"
I roll my eyes. "Omg," I say, sinking down next to him on the couch. "Is this the 1st season?"
"Did you just abbreviate the word first?"
"May-be," I say mischievously.
Ryou rolls his eyes. "Go be annoying somewhere else, Shin-chan."
"Shin-chan?"
"Yeah, he's this annoyin' little kid on this show. Crayon Shin-chan."
"Excuse me!" I stand up and puff out my chest, at my full height. "Thief Bakura is not a crayon!"
"Shut it, Amber Brown," Ryou snaps. Then his eyes lite up. Oh snap. (Oh man, I didn't say that.)
"Shut it Amber Brown," he raps. "You're just a clown/I'm gonna hit you in the teeth and you'll need a crown."
I give him my best what-the-hell look. "You're going to transfer cavities to me through your hand?" I sum up. Ryou nods vigorously. "Oh, OK then." Idiot. "Change this stupid channel."
Ryou picks up the remote and switches to an infomercial. He frowns. "I hate informercials," he complains.
"I love 'em. Keep it on," I say, sitting back down. Bakura: 1. Ryou: 0.
…Maybe I shouldn't of tallied the score just yet. It's an infomercial about a local School of Midwifery.
"Of course, looking the part can be important," says a bleached blonde with perfect teeth. She pretends to drink from an empty coffee cup. I know it's empty 'cuz at the angle she was holding it, it would've spilled all over her belly. Her large, pregnant belly. "If my doula is ugly, then she—"
"Or he," says a man smiling a bit too widely at the camera. He's sitting next to the girl.
"Right. If my doula is hideous, she or he—"
"He or she," the man corrects. She gives him an evil look, like she wants to punch him in the mouth, giving him cavities, according to Ryou.
"If she or he has a face like roadkill, my baby might be too frightened or horrified to exit the womb."
Dear God. -.-
"That's why we recommend that our midwives look appealing," the man explains. He smiles and adjusts himself in his seat, surreptitiously (meaning obviously) picking at his wedgie.
The woman smiles. "If you would make a good doula, you might look like this," she says.
And then a big, large picture of Ryou blushing in an apron appears plastered on the TV screen. I bust out laughing. Ryou smacks me hard with the remote, shouts, "How could you??" and storms out.
H-ha-haha—wait. o.o I didn't have anything to do with that. o.o Why the hell was Ryou on TV? Unless… he really IS meant to be a—no, I don't want to think about it. I mean, I look like that too… but I never blush. Or wear aprons. So it was meant for him.
Later!
The doorbell rings just after the Quidditch match finishes on TV.
"Answer it," Ryou yells frustratedly from another room, angry that he's a destined midwife and that the Chudley Cannons lost again. Lucky for him, I want to answer the door. I get up and do so."
O. M. G.
Much later!
Sorry, Jimmy. I had to put you down so I could focus on stealing the leash. And bcuz I dropped u. I'm sorry, I was just laffing so hard…
See, I answered the door. The guy on the porch was wearing thick tinted purple ski goggles, a spring-green ski jacket, and black dress pants. And one of those funny hats with the ear flaps. He shuffled into the house slowly, like a numb eskimo moving underwater in space.
It was KAIBA. H-ha-hahahaHAhaHAhahahaha! That's when I dropped you.
"Shut up," he growled. "I'm undercover."
"Undercover?" I cackled, wiping tears from my I's. Tears of laffter, of course.
"Undercover. Incognito. In disguise," he xplained, even though I obviously knew what 'undercover' means. "Sure you did," he said. Hey!
"Bakura, who's at the door?" Ryou called out from what I then realized is the kitchen. Kaiba peered into the kitchen. I bet with his outfit it's like peering out of a submarine porthole.
"Nice apron," he said, in a hi-pitched voice that was a complete disguise of his own. If I didn't know it was Kaiba… then, well, I wouldn't have known it was Kaiba.
"…Bakura, I told you not to blackmail prepubescent boys into helping you rob gas stations," Ryou scolded. To Kaiba: "I don't care what Bakura says, robbing stations is not cool."
Heh. The first (and last) time that happened, I said I'd take away these kids' World of Warcraft. Then after they helped me rob the joint, I locked them in the gas station bathroom. H-ha ha ha ha ha! You know that's some serious evil going on right there – I mean rite ther. (Ryou would probably said "Right thurr, right thurr. Eesh. I don't want to think what he thinks.)
"He's not blackmailing me," Kaiba squeaked. "We're just working towards a common cause."
"Bakura, what have I told you about brainwashing kids?" Ryou reminded me.
Heh, oh yeah. Last time I brainwashed these kids into thinking this pop singer had hit on them. Then I locked the kids in a gas station bathroom. :) It was fun.
"I am no-ot brainwashed," Kaiba asserted, his voice cracking. Dang, he's good at this voice disguise thing. He sounds like an eleven-year-old Yugi Motoh. Of course, I'm pretty sure Yugi never underwent puberty, so it kind of sounds like him in the present day as well.
Apparently, Ryou came to the same conclusion. "Yugi, is that you?" he asked, stepping into the hallway. The apron was still tied around him. It said I love tapirs. (The "Baku" in our name means tapir, so I love them too.) He was drying his hand on a dishtowel, which he dropped when he saw Kaiba. "Oh," he said. "I guess not." And he scuttled back into the kitchen like a frightened crab or something. Hah.
Kaiba turned to me. "Let's go," he said lowly and in his own voice. "And don't even think about locking me in a gas station bathroom."
O-O Did I tell him about that? Or did he just know?
Anyway, Kaiba and I trudged across the damp yard and opened the tall wooden gate leading to our smelly neighbor's (they breed skunks for a living, on a skunk farm out of town) backyard. And there was Mad Dog. Tied to a pole off center in the yard. A small, poofy, orange-haired dog, with clipped nails and friendly eyes. With green foam frothing from its mouth.
"That's really healthy looking," Kaiba commented. I turned to him and nodded, then did a doubletake; I'd forgotten what weird stuff he was wearing. "It figures that a dog named after Wheeler would be sick." I like how he's ignoring the fact that there's a nice sized sign that says 'Mad Dog' right next to the pole.
"Sick in the head," I murmured, and he laughed loudly. I saw Ryou push aside the frilly blue curtains to peer out the kitchen window. He looks like a nosy neighbor. …Which, I suppose he is. Who was outside at 6 in the morning to see his neighbors' new dog? Ryou, that's who. Weirdo.
"So when the dog attacked you earlier," Kaiba started to say, but I cut him off so I can set him straight:
"Hey! That pound of fluff did not attack me! It snapped at me, so I moved back, and I hit my hand on a nail!"
"…Even lamer."
"'Scuse me?"
"Look, if you didn't want a barb, you shouldn't of looked stupid," Kaiba said. So, if Barb is short for Barbara…
"You're going to attack me with women named Barbara?" I guessed. Kaiba may have rolled his eyes; couldn't tell.
"Oh yes," he said. "My secretary will attack you if I ask her to."
"Is she witchy?" I wonder.
"Well… Let's put it this way," the CEO-who-looked-like-a-space-man said. "If this were 24, Barbara would be Alberta Green."
"My God," I said.
"Yeah."
"…Wait, is that terrible?
"Yes," the CWLLASM said grimly.
"Oh. …Can I be Jack Bauer?" I asked.
"No; I'm Jack Bauer."
"But you're ALWAYS Jack Bauer!" I griped, even though it didn't make much sense.
"What? …Oh shut up."
"You have old man hair in Season 1!" I shouted. I guess that was kind of insulting; usually Seto Kaiba looks like he's part of a boy band.
"…Ok, even I don't watch 24 that much," he said. "You're just a freak."
It's really Ryou that watches it. He's the freak; not me. I was about to tell Kaiba this when Mad Dog bit his shin area. But since, it was covered by black dress pants, it didn't hurt. I wondered why—
"These pants have reinforced steel for threads." Must be heavy, I thought. "Not really." o-o I couldn't tell if he was… you know. Reading mah mind.
"So, how do we…" I gesture at the dog.
"Kick it." Kaiba attempted to kick the dog, but fell over. He was on his back like a turtle, or maybe a beached whale.
I start to say: "You look like a—"
"Turtle?"
"No, a—"
"Beached whale?"
He's good. O-O It looked like he was having trouble righting himself, and I laughed. In his bulky outfit, getting up seemed about as difficult as memorizing all the countries in South America.
"Memorizing things like that is easy," he said. Dang.
"Ok, I think we should take the leash," I said.
"What do you want it for?" Kaiba asked suspiciously.
"Why do you listen to 'Brand New' all the time?" I finally asked.
"…Because, 'I don't like it unless it's (brand new)'" he quoted.
"…Okayyy… Well, if we take the leash, we can share it. I'll have it on Sunday through Friday," I reasoned.
"Um… I can just buy one," Kaiba pointed out.
"Then just get me the dang leash."
Through a series of Matrix movies, Kaiba retrieved the leash for me. And in exchange he demanded that I defeat the Pharaoh. Well, I told him I'd get around to it, he called me a pansy and said I was blonder than Kim Bauer, which makes the third 24 reference today. Then he called his limo and rode off. Oh, and Mad Dog ripped a chunk of my hair out. One of my bat bangs.
…No, seriously. It was like this:
"Kaiba, restrain the dog after you take its leash."
"No, you." He let the dog go.
"OWWW! Oh God! RAAAA! Help meeeee! Osiris! HURRY!"
Or something manlier than that. The skunk-smell-y neighbor lady came out and retrieved Mad Dog. The Pomeranian bit her hand and drew blood.
"Aww, you're an affectionate little sweetheart," said the skunk lady, enveloping the dog in a bear hug. I swear I could see the dog wrinkle its nose, and I heard it pule (not puke, pule) loudly. It continued to whimper as the lady said, "Come on inside, Madison."
…Wait. Madison? Either that dog's a former President, or… we were attacked by a girl dog!! No!
Maaan…!
So, this part of my day being kinda lame, I kicked Kaiba in the shin just before his limo arrived, then took the leash inside and kicked Ryou in the shin for comparing me to a crayon Shin earlier. And thus it was a fulfilling morning. Only one thing left to make it a success: Chibify Ryou Bakura. Muahaha.
So let's go downstairs, shall we?
I grab a robin's-egg-blue Chibifier 5000, which looks a lot like a pump-action water gun, one of the large ones, and head downstairs.
Remember, I kicked Ryou in the shin? Well, he's still lying on the floor.
"Call to you so clearly/but no one wants to hear me!" he sings. …The only Linkin Park rap song on the CD he owns, and he knows the lyrics to it.
"But nobody's listening!" Well, at least he's not doing the actual rap part.
"Ryou, there are much better Linkin Park songs," I insist.
"You know, I borrowed that Linkin Park CD from Yami," Ryou informs me.
"I hate Linkin Park," I suddenly decide. Ryou tilts his head, considering me.
"Is that a water gun?" he questions. (I would have written ?s, but that would have read 'he question marks'.)
"Yes," I say, "and I filled it with Cola."
"Yeah?" Ryou says, still squirming on his back on the floor. "How come?"
"It cleans up blood. I saw it on Mythbusters," I say.
"…What kind of Cola? Coca-, Diet?"
I think. "It didn't say," I decide. Then I point at him, rev up the gun using highly advanced pump-action technology, and shoot. "Bang," I say.
Magical purple particles fill the air around the Chibifier 5000. Swirly blue lines appear outta nowhere.
"I just realized," Ryou says, "why would there be an infomercial about midwifery? How often do you see those?"
"I dunno," I replī, as da Chibifier 5000 glōs and emits a huming noiz. "Why don't I have any real weapons?"
"'Cuz my ID says I'm under the legal age to buy them?"
"Oh. Sucks."
"Whatever."
A stream of blue-and-purple swirl shoots straight at my host's heart. He's surrounded by the manly colors. Then he begins to shrink.
"Bakura!" he crīs, getting smaller. Then he scrēms. "Bakura! Stop!"
His voice becomes a smal squēk. This totally rox. My host lookd like a prisoner in rags, his clothes now much 2 big for H.I.M. (or for my host… wāte, that jōk doesn't māk sense; Ryou's probly shortr than H.I.M). After a sec, tho, they shrunk 2.
He looked at me w/ his wīd, chocolate I's. And then he did something that made me cringe.
Well, I bet you're thinking: thank goodness that's over. Anyway, I was on a 24 kick when I wrote this. Also, my birthday was yesterday, and I got the second season. So yaaay. Now then… review or no updates!