Sam is recovering from her ordeal and my plan to let her spread her wings has backfired. She is happy I guess and that's what matters.
Never mind that I am miserable. "What does she see in him?"
The guy can never appreciate how she is lethal with a weapon but able to fix almost anything. Charm the pants off everyone she meets yet remain oblivious to her beauty.
Wanting to be treated as an equal yet is seen as feminine. She is caring and considerate never spiteful; always willing to do anything for a friend, including risking her own life to save someone else's.
Pete may get part of her but not all of her and she deserves more. I want her to realize that a relationship based on lies or half-truths is no relationship. A person who doesn't know all of her cannot truly love her the way I do. Instead of learning and growing she is settling for something that will not make her happy. I am afraid I may too late.
Oh well I guess she deserves better than an old washed up flyboy, but this flyboy happens to love her with all my heart. God after Charlie I thought I would never love again and I was wrong. It took almost dying on Abadyos to make me realize how precious life is. I want to take her in my arms and tell her how much I love her but I know I can't. She has to fight for us and I can't do it for her
I see the way she looks at him with desire in her eyes and I know he is fulfilling her physical needs but what about the emotional ones? It hurts to see her with someone else knowing they can touch her in a way I can't. In her eyes I can see the truth her smile doesn't reach her eyes and I don't think she even realizes it but I know better. I have seen the 100 watt full on Carter smile and that is not it. No matter what anyone says until I see her smile that way at Pete I will have hope. I just hope I am not too late.
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I decide to stop by Carter's lab today to see how she is doing she hasn't eaten at our table or tried to confuse me with technobabble lately and I am worried. She has definitely been keeping her distance and even our mild harmless flirting has stopped. It seems like she has the weight of the world on her shoulders and that fake smile, the one she has had since spud boy made his appearance, is in full force.
As I peer in her lab I notice she is not there in fact the sentries have reported that she has left on time every day for the past two not that I am keeping track or anything. Oh well there is always tomorrow. I grab my jacket and head back to my office to pick up some things to work on at home. As I am turning around I run smack into Carter, uh Sam and damm she smells good. She backs away and she has this look in her eyes and I know whatever she has come to say does not bode well for me. The fake smile is gone and a grimace of sorts is on her face as well as a look of confusion maybe. Oh God if Carter is confused about something it is not good.
I decide to lighten the mood.
"Carter"
"Sir"
I never thought I'd hear myself utter these words: I need that report.
Right! Um, I just need to, er, finish typing up my notes. (She rummages through the paperwork on the desk.) Uh, yeah, I'll have it for you first thing tomorrow.
Carter always has her reports ready what is going on with her? Maybe I don't want to know.
"It is tomorrow."
Carter looks confused and she is never confused what is going on?
The confused and dazed look is still present along with the sparkle she gets when she is trying to think of one of her brilliant ideas.
Not thinking of what I am saying I blurt out,
I'm joking! I don't need the report!
"You haven't tried to confuse me with any technobabble lately"?
The deer in the headlights expression is still present and she isn't saying anything.
She is biting her lip in concentration, well,
Uh oh here it comes, the part where she tells me it is over and she really never cared about me.
My eyes can't even look in her direction I will give everything away and I can't this has to be her decision. God it would be so easy just to take her in my arms and let her know exactly how I feel and how much I love her but I can't …
Out of the corner of my eye I catch a glimpse of a small black box and my heart hammers into my chest. I feel lightheaded and dizzy. This can't be happening, but it is I have lost her for good this time.
"Pete gave me this"
I put on my best fake smile and before I know it I blurt out, "People usually wear these on their fingers…"
God can I be anymore moronic, humor isn't going to help however her next words give me some hope.
"I haven't said yes."
"And yet you haven't said no."
Way to go O'Neill just be a jerk why don't you?
Do I still have a chance? My brain overloads my mouth as usual and I say,
"I told him I needed to think about it"
"And"
Oh yeah first class jerk, but my mouth is so dry I can't think or say anything else.
"That was two weeks ago."
Are you waiting to see what I think? I know in my heart that the fact she has waited to say yes gives me some hope but my sadness is threatening to overwhelm me and I retreat into my safe place.
"Ah"
Wordsmith O'Neill strikes again.
Y'know, all these years I've been concentrating on work -- I just assumed that one day I would...
"Have a life"
Jeez man I am bitter
"Yeah"
Oh this is not good anytime Carter is reduced to one syllable words…
"Yeah"
I say it with feeling and hope our silent communication thing is working, If only I could tell her I don't want to get a life with anyone but me.
"And now it comes down to it, I don't know. I mean, every time we go through the Gate, we risk not coming back. Is it fair to put somebody else through that?"
"Pete is a cop; I think he could handle it"
What are you doing? I can't believe I just defended him. I have officially lost yep one fry short of a happy meal are you happy Carter?
She looks at me funny.
"What about kids?"
No she did not just ask me that question. How could I tell her I dream about that, what they would look like act like…?
I would retire in a minute if I thought that she actually felt the same way about me.
"What about kids?"
I choke on my saliva.
Should I tell her that I've even imagined what ours would like? Nah don't want to freak her out. I opt for the safer answer.
"Do I take maternity leave and then come back? What, do I drop the baby off at daycare on my way to some unexplored planet on the edge of the Crab Nebula?"
Crab what? I am smiling imagining our baby's first day at daycare then quickly come back to reality, nope I can't influence her no matter how much I want to. I school my face into an impenetrable mask and continue. The baby card? I still can't believe she mentioned it? Moving on
Carter, there are people on this base who have families
Ways to go O'Neill now just shove her right into his arms since you are incapable of rational speech right now. Does she know how hard this is for me? I want to kiss her senseless and tell her that we could work it out but this is something I can't do for her.
"What about you? If things had been different ..."
She is looking straight at me right now and all I can think is,
"I wouldn't be here right now"
That part is true; I would retire in a minute if I thought this thing between us could work. Heck all I wanted her to do was experience a good relationship one in which both people cared for each other equally and not a dominant submissive one like with Jonas I know something awful happened to her but like everything else in our lives it remains locked behind that Damm door.
I want to say more when I see the look of total desolation on her face. But I can't.
We both leave quickly neither looking at the other.
Sam's POV
Oh God, Pete asked me to marry him. Do I love him? I think I could given some time.
This is the first relationship in which I have felt like an equal. Pete respects me but I wonder sometimes just how he would react to Solider Sam instead of my more girly side. I sense he is the type that would want to protect me he might be surprised that I could take him in a hand to hand combat fight.
Does he know how I can kill? Does he realize I have saved the world? Can he accept the part of me that is Jolinar? I know O'Neill doesn't like him and I know why but that doesn't make it any easier. I tell Pete that I need some time which is true. I can't say yes yet. In my heart I know why.
I am tired of waiting I deserve to be happy with someone even if they aren't Jack. Pete is comfortable and safe, but love well that is a different matter these feelings for Jack just won't go away if anything they are growing even when he is sarcastic and rude I know it because he doesn't want me to see how much he cares. Damm stupid zartec test, if only we could have kept it buried that was definitely not the way I wanted him to tell me.
Pete has shown me what a relationship could be like and it is nice to be able to come home to someone, have someone to share my bed, my life but so much will have to remain a secret between us. Can I deal with that, can Pete? Is it fair to expect him to?
When I kiss Pete well, it is nice but there is no spark no burning desire. He looks at me with love in his eyes and I can't return that love. It is so unfair I want to tingle, and feel desire for him but I can't. Somehow I manage to be convincing and he does make me feel sexy and desired. Is this it? Will I never get to be truly happy? Do I have to settle for less because the man I really want is off limits to me?
It is so unfair. When Jack just brushes up against me tendrils of desire envelope me and it is all I can do to stop from kissing him. I melt when he hugs me. I really thought that Super Soldier was going to kill me but he didn't Jack saved me again.
I am selfish I guess because I don't want to give up the SGC but there is so much more left to do. I can't let Anubis win, even if that means settling for less. I need to talk to Jack and find out how he feels. I need to tell him in person before he finds out through the SGC grapevine.
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Jack didn't give anything away not that I really expected him to but a girl can hope. Maybe that's the problem. Maybe Jack doesn't see me in that way. I couldn't tell that at the Alpha Site though. I was hurt and in pain but lying there with my head on his shoulder felt well, perfect no where else I would rather be.
In that moment I knew I had my answer. I couldn't marry Pete it wouldn't be fair to me or him. Even if we have to wait to be together I have to tell Jack how I feel.