Title: Crossfire
Author: Jusrecht

SeeWarningsandDisclaimer in chapter one.

A/N:Shinn, the poor, angsty soul that has filled me with hate since he took that the-world-is-shit-and-so-are-you attitude in the beginning of GSD. If ONLY he apologized to Cagalli… So, yeah, I haven't really forgiven him and it might affect my writing a bit for this chapter because it's seen from his POV. Sorry if I offend any Shinn fan but really, I've tried to like him better. Hope it works. To everyone who has reviewed, thank you so much. Enjoy this chapter!

-----

Chapter Four: Shinn – The Atoner

-----

People said mistakes were common. Mistakes were tolerable. Mistakes were human.

For Shinn, some mistakes were unforgivable.

He was alone in the office, reading report after report from both teams, investigation and search, which by now had taken up most empty space of his desk. He had demanded for a report at every single hour and the heads of each operation had been too alarmed by his cold, bloodshot red eyes that they had practically raised no objection. But not a single word in these stacks of paper could dampen his fury. Little debris found, a scrap of the main engine here and there, but of course the rest had already been burned to nothing. There was no body, but Shinn wasn't expecting to find one.

Nothing could escape gravity.

A new surge of anger ripped through his veins and he quickly reached for another stack. At least, it wasn't as fruitless in the investigation department – though barely more consoling – and he could feel that he had done something, not only waiting for reports to arrive. For the last three days, he had sped through his daily duties only to spend the rest of his day in the security room, studying every face and every moment caught by every camera. His head hurt from long hours of watching security camera recordings and his sight often blurred during work and meetings because he had not slept more than two hours since the incident, but honestly, it was the last thing he cared about at the moment.

His sacrifices had not ended in vain. Now he pretty much knew what had happened after thoroughly asking – and sometimes frightening – his subordinates and the shuttle port's officials although the identity of the person behind the atrocious plan remained to be a mystery.

He knew, but did it matter now? The accident had happened, courtesy to his incompetence. No matter what he did, he could not turn back time and prevent that shuttle from exploding and its passengers from being killed.

A regrettable mistake. Shinn almost laughed at that. It wasn't a mistake. It was his carelessness. He had called Fllaga dumb for trying to console him because it was not a mistake. Mistakes would not result in you losing someone you loved and respected. Mistakes were something you could laugh off about, like the one time when he had worn his shirt inside out and Meyrin almost hyperventilated because she hadn't stopped laughing for the next five minutes. Or when he had accidentally added salt instead of sugar into Athrun's tea at a Christmas gathering and of course one could imagine the chairman's reaction after unsuspectingly drinking it.

Those people had been stolen from his life and it wasn't by a mistake. It was him, faults and imprudence and utter stupidity. If there existed a list of idiots who should not be allowed to live in this world under any circumstances, he was absolutely sure that his name would reign at the top. He jeopardized everyone around him, a plague, a time bomb, everything everyone should despise.

There had been times when he had demanded always the best from himself, paying no heed to anything else because it had been him, stupid and blind, who had done a massacre to ORB and the guilt had been tormenting him nights and days. But that one person had found him and said, "It's okay to lie back and just look around sometimes, Shinn. ORB is still here and isn't it what matters?"

He hadn't reacted well. Then again, he always tended to be more explosive whenever Athrun Zala was involved.

It had been two years past. And only three days ago, those words had killed the very person who had spoken them. It was all because he had allowed himself to lie back and look around.

And Meyrin. Again. The irony didn't escape him that once again, it was Athrun and Meyrin he had tried to kill with his own hands. He was very angry, to himself more than to anyone, even the bad guy.

Mistakes like this were not supposed to be pardonable. Shinn was surprised, upset even, that he hadn't been demoted – or thrown out – yet, but no one said anything. The Head Representative was too busy, but he remembered that one look she had shot him in the control room after the explosion, not accusing, just asking why, and it made him want to find his gun and shoot himself on the head.

Cagalli wasn't the only one. Every time he met his superior, Kira acted like nothing had happened. His orders were short like usual, his voice deep and calm, if a little restrained it sounded to Shinn's ears lately. Not a sign of fury, or disappointment, of anything but cool courtesy, like Shinn's carelessness hadn't blown up his boyfriend into pieces. He always wanted to shout at him, blaming the General for not blaming him, but Kira's bland smile always dissipated his hot, searing rage into cold realization that sometimes, to be forgiven was a far worse purgatory.

AndAthrun.

Every time he remembered that name, Shinn felt like he wanted to cry. He had been treated like a friend, a trusted comrade, and what he had given in return? A man shouldn't mope around and he didn't like self-indictment, but it was very hard not to hate himself right now. He should be in hell, burned among rapists, killers and the worst sinners the world had luckily gotten rid of, because what could be a worse treachery than what he had done?

A fleeting look at the full report his assistant had provided him and his fury blasted full-scale again. Totally overwhelmed by emotion, he wiped the stacks off his desk, ignoring the crashing sound of scattered paper and having the slightest care in the world if the hard work he would have to do later in order to clear up the mess would take another portion of his sleeping hours.

Shinn wanted to die right now. In the most painful way possible.

"You can't collect and sort them all in ten minutes, you know."

He didn't bother to glance to the door. "Who cares?"

"You should," Mwu La Fllaga replied mildly, picking up a few sheets which had landed near his shoes, "because the Head Representative asks for your report. She is in her office with the General now."

There were several Generals in ORB military but Shinn knew perfectly who 'the General' the older man was talking about. He looked around, starting to feel tired and guilty because the door to said General's office was just there in front of his desk and he'd be damned if he upset Kira more than he already had.

Another spectacular feat of stupidity.

"Did I mention that you only have ten scant minutes before she skins you alive?" Fllaga spoke up again, looking marginally more amused.

"Shut up," he snapped and started to grab the nearest paper, piling them into a jumbled mess he didn't bother to look at twice. Five seconds passed before he looked up and sent death glares to the direction of the door. "Are you going to help me or just stand there like an idiot?"

"Is that any way to ask for help?" the other man sounded offended.

Shinn ignored him.

Sighing loudly, Fllaga moved through the chaos, careful not to trample anything which might be the painstaking result of someone's sleepless night. He stopped near his own desk, randomly picking up one of the papers which somehow had ended up covering the picture of his wife there, and skimming through it. Another period of silence descended and Shinn could almost hear the wheels in the other man's mind reeling. That was why it hardly surprised him when Fllaga opened his mouth again.

"Kira survived it many times," he said slowly, almost carefully. "Falling through the atmosphere, I mean. And I heard you and he did it too five years ago."

"In case this little fact escapes you, we were in mobile suits," Shinn retorted, wishing he could make the other man shut up once and for all. "That shuttle, by the way, exploded."

"That shuttle did have a mobile suit."

He whirled around, almost throwing the small pile in his arm straight to Fllaga's face, and howled, "Weren't you there when I listened to the recording again and again? They didn't have the slightest damn chance! The shuttle exploded right after the second engine went down!" He heaved a long, shaky breath, painfully aware of the older man's stony face, and said again in a lower voice, "Look, stop trying to convince me that everything will be okay. I know when it isn't. I'm not a kid anymore."

"You still act like one."

Shinn refused to deign it with a reply and continued sorting through paper after paper silently until he looked up once more, finding Fllaga still frowning at him, and hissed.

"What now?"

"You need sleep," his companion stated. "Badly."

Shinn snorted but said nothing, unwilling to raise another argument or to admit that he had only slept for two hours in the last three days, that those two hours had been absolute hell because he kept seeing Athrun and Meyrin behind his closed eyelids. Lieutenant General Shinn Asuka would rather not sleep for the rest of his life than be forced to face anything like that again.

Fllaga shook his head and muttered, "Youngsters. Always so stubborn."

There had been times when Shinn would grin in return and tease the older man that he might have just offended the most prominent General in ORB, because one only needed to look at their badges to tell who worked under whom. But he always loved to hear those stories from Fllaga and wondered how the hell that Kira could develop into this Kira and sometimes also laughed because oh God, the two best friends had been so obvious and it surprised him that no one had actually suspected anything more than a very deep and valuable friendship going on between them.

This time, he only turned his back on the man and pretended to collect more paper while furiously rearranging the mishmash of painful emotions in his chest. The last thing he needed right now was to break down and cry in front of his mother-henning colleague.

"These are technicalities," Fllaga suddenly said as he flipped through pages in his hand. "You won't need these in a report to the Head Representative. Don't you prepare a brief one?"

"Yeah, Warren did that for me. It should be somewhere around here," he answered, relieved that his voice sounded almost normal, and started to rummage around. He remembered seeing it at the top of the stack before turning his room into this helluva mess, but seeing just how incredible the 'mess' was, he doubted very much that he could find it in ten minutes.

"Tch. You should appreciate the job your assistant has done for you more," the other man chided and just before Shinn could throw another angry fit, waved several paper right in front of his face. "Be careful next time, Kid."

He grabbed it and only needed a quick scanning to admit grudgingly that this was indeed the report. "I should go now," he mumbled, words of gratitude stuck somewhere in his throat at the sight of Fllaga's solemn look.

"Don't expect me to clean after this mess," he warned.

Shinn shot him a thin smirk, already making his way out of the door. "Suit yourself. I don't think you can work in that condition anyway."

If there was any reply from the older man, it didn't reach his ears. Shinn trudged his way silently, wondering with shadows of guilt bubbling in his chest if this was just an act he pulled to get revenge against Fllaga's though well-intended, highly unwelcome sympathy. The mess was his fault to begin with and it was only Fllaga's bad luck to share an office with him. He had to admit that his defensive manner instantly sprang out once anyone showed him the merest hint of pity.

Another fault of his. Shinn wondered if the list was already long enough to carpet his way to Cagalli's office.

The sun shone brightly when he stepped out of the Military Headquarter, pace fast but heavy. It wasn't noon yet and apparently life was still all and well despite the serious calamity which had befallen ORB. He shot a sullen glance toward a pair of passing officers who were laughing as they went, making them cower and apologize profusely under his murderous glare. He ignored it and quickened his stride, hastily passing the massive fountain in front of the Cabinet Building before any memory could catch up with him.

It was silent inside the building, the atmosphere heavy, a stark contrast to the warm sunshine and merry blue sky outside. Shinn inhaled a deep breath and prepared a solid mental bridle around his emotion. Yesterday was a chaos, when the Head Representative had asked him to come to her office, and he had to make sure that he would do nothing of the sort again with Kira around.

There was nothing as difficult as pardoning your own mistake, she had said way too calmly and on that moment, Shinn had simply forgotten that she was one of a higher rank and left the room, the door slammed behind him and Cagalli's secretary shooting him reproachful looks as he stormed past. He didn't want to listen to any of those so-called wise words again, least of all from her because she was his best friend and her tone of voice had resembled him so much and couldn't she see? It was exactly why she lost one of the most important people in her life.

Aforementioned secretary stood up from behind her desk when he approached, nodding curtly at him. "You are expected, Lieutenant General. Please wait for a moment."

She placed a train of firm knocks at the massive door of the Head Representative's office and opened it a second later, announcing, "Lieutenant General Asuka."

Again, Shinn took a deep breath before venturing a step into the room. Cagalli was sitting behind her desk, beckoning him to come near with a slight wave of her hand while Kira stood behind her, one arm draped across the back of her chair. Both had their eyes intent on the monitor occupying the left corner of her desk and as he slowly advanced, he could hear the gentle voice of Lacus Clyne in the background.

"…have been decided. To replace Councilwoman Andras in Februarius is former Councilman Tad Elsman, Councilman Sabnak in Martius is Leon Harland and Councilman Buer in November is Millich Leitner. They will carry out the council-related duties and their predecessors's jobs in each committee until the re-election in April."

"It is expected," Cagalli replied, a thoughtful look on her face. "What about the chain of command?"

"For the time being, each committee will hold full responsibility for their own fields of work. There is no definite resolution yet as to how long this structure will be carried out. And Councilwoman Canaver will formally contact you later about this. I just thought I could give you more time to think about the questions you are going to ask her."

"Of course," Cagalli gave her a little smile. "Thanks a lot, Lacus."

Informal phrases of gratitude and farewells were exchanged between the two women and the General and Shinn watched all these in a kind of incredulous trance. There was something incredibly wrong in the picture. A close friend had died, and while he didn't expect them to weep like there was no tomorrow, at least there ought to be a certain sign of grief – anything but that frozen calmness. His rage swelled quickly in his chest, but one sidelong glance to Kira's carefully masked face, and everything dissolved into nothingness.

Well, it was his fault. What did he expect?

"Sorry to keep you waiting," at last Cagalli addressed him and Shinn suppressed a shudder as the pairs of gold and amethyst turned to his direction. "Let's hear your report now."

"Yes, Ma'am," he answered, almost wincing at the high-pitched sound of his voice, and opened the file in his hand for good measures although he had practically remembered everything by heart.

"The results of the investigation concerning the incident happening three days ago at the 16th of September are as follows," he began. "The incident occurred as a result of severe lack of caution in the preparation stage of the shuttle. Something, presumably explosives, was smuggled into the baggage area of the shuttle, which resulted in the explosion."

Shinn paused and stepped forward to put a picture of a young man dressed in ORB military suit on the Head Representative's desk, all the way aware of Kira's eyes boring into his own. "The suspect," he explained, trying to keep his voice level. "Gerald Patti. He has only worked in the shuttle port for three months. His background is normal and the head of the Personnel Department claims that there is nothing remotely suspicious in his history. The reason why he is a possible suspect is the fact that he has disappeared for the last three days."

"That morning, he was not on duty, but he came to substitute his roommate who, as several witnesses verified, had a stomachache. He was one of the three staffs who were responsible to look after the luggage of the party from PLANT. No one has seen him after the preparation was finished. The last was the guard in front of the shuttle port who reported that the suspect had been seen leaving the port immediatelyafter the launch. The security camera has confirmed his words."

"Search and investigation have been ordered to arrest Patti," he continued, every word felt heavier than the last," but so far nothing useful has turned up. Most likely he has left ORB under a fake name and using a forged passport. We are currently going through the lists of passengers of ships and shuttles to do a background check on every one of them."

It would be one hell of a work, he knew it, but there was no point in telling anyone so. If anything, Shinn didn't want to receive anymore pity than he already had.

"What about the rescue team? Is there any news from them yet?" Cagalli asked, her steady gaze hardly betraying anything.

"Nothing which may convince us that there is any possibility of survivors," he replied and resisted another urge to shoot himself dead when Kira looked away to his right, his expression more vacant than before. Or maybe he could pray for a lightning to strike him down at this instant.

"I heard," she began again, caution and hesitance – almost fear – echoing in her voice, "there was a mobile suit in the shuttle."

Shinn ground his teeth together, inwardly cursing Fllaga since it must be him who leaked that information to the Head Representative. That stupid man. It was an empty hope. Nothing but an empty hope.

"Yes, there was," he answered heavily at last, "but so far, there is still no proof that the mobile suit was indeed used and survived the explosion."

"I see."

A thick glaze of silence coated the room and Shinn struggled to remain quiet when not the slightest reprimand came from his superiors. A small voice at the back of his mind told him that it was better to keep his mouth shut and answer only if asked or he might end up in a calamity like yesterday. Perhaps it was a punishment enough, he realized weakly a second later, their stubbornness not to blame him no matter what, because that way, his guilt would only swell and swell without a chance to burst.

He inhaled a deep breath. If it was the case, Shinn didn't think he would mind. After all, he had hoped for hell and this, undoubtedly was hell.

"Kira."

Something in her voice made him look up and he found her looking at her brother with what seemed like firm resolution. It startled him for a second. He used to hate her golden eyes and now wondered how it was possible when they shone like this. Brave. Unyielding.

"Take Freedom and go look for him."

At that moment, the world seemed to have stopped. Shinn stared at her, mouth agape. She believed that he had survived. Athrun. Survived. He felt his head spinning madly. The mere thought of it was crazy. Ridiculous. Or was it just an attempt to console her brother?

"I'll tell Lacus of your coming," she said again and Shinn had a sinking feeling that it wasn't just a desperate attempt to console her brother.

"Wait, Cagalli," Kira finally found his voice and it sounded frail, shaky. "If I go, you–"

"I'll be fine."

"But–"

"I'll be fine," she repeated, the decisiveness in her voice leaving no place for any argument. For a brief moment, Shinn thought that the General would yield like he had so many times before.

"No," his voice gained some of its strength back, amethyst eyes burning with resolution not unequal to their golden counterpart. "ORB's position is unstable and there are too many things to be attended to. I can't afford to be absent now."

She believed it. Theybelieved it. Slowly but surely, it became harder for Shinn to stay silent, his body trembling with incredulous rage.

Athrun was dead. Was it so hard for them to accept that little fact?

"Kira–"

"I have promised to protect you and ORB," he stated. "And I will keep it."

Emotions were swarming behind her golden irises, clashing with each other, and when she cast a fleeting look at him, Shinn was thiscloseto opening his mouth and jumping into the dispute, but her next words practically demolished everything he had in mind.

"There is Shinn. He can protect me while you're gone."

His insides grew cold.

She looked at him, her lips trembling slightly. "Right, Shinn?"

There was something wrong with these people, he decided, gritting his teeth because his headache was worsening and his two superiors terrifically amazed him. Enraged him. Athrun had died because of his carelessness and he fought a wave of nausea which had risen at the thought of him given another responsibility by the same people who beyond all doubts suffered the greatest loss. They shouldn't trust him anymore. He deserved the worst.

But what angered him the most was something else, something much more personal, a tiny voice cynically whispering to him from the darkest corner of his mind that it was his chance to atone. It mortified him that such thought could enter his mind. And it infuriated him because he knewhe didn't deserve a chance to get any atonement.

"But Cagalli–"

"If it isn't enough, there is Mwu-san as well," she continued, her voice growing steelier with each word, and Shinn was forced to look back at her. "Take Freedom with you, Kira. Find him. I'll be alright."

The General fell silent for a moment, but in the end he still shook his head. "No. We have sent a search party and today PLANT is dispatching another one to help. They should be enough to find him. I know where I should be."

"You're talking about responsibilities now?" Her voice suddenly sounded alarmingly shrill.

Kira stared, clearly noticing the ominous sign in the alteration of her tone, and replied calmly, "It is my job to protect you and ORB."

"That's bullshit!" she accused angrily, sending her chair tumbling to the floor with her abrupt rising and now she stood glaring at her brother, her expression fierce. "Protect me and ORB? Don't make me laugh! You cannot protect anything in the state you're in now and you know it!"

Kira's expression turned emotionless, his whole body suddenly tensing. "It's exactly because he isn't here," his voice was strange and detached, and Shinn noticed the strangled edge in it. "You do know that peace means so much more than one person, don't you? If anything happens to you–"

"Tome?" Cagalli was practically shouting now and it seemed that she was ready to reach out and wring her brother's neck. "Damn it, Kira! This is Athrun we're talking about! And you're his boyfriend! His goddamn lover! I don't remember having a brother who is willing to let the love of his life die because of responsibilities! It's fucking bullshit!"

There was a long, heavy silence following the end of her outburst, none of them uttering a word and not a sound carried in from the outside, as if all were momentarily petrified. She was the first to look away, her hands still balled tightly into fists, and a second later Kira mirrored the gesture. His tempestuous eyes fell on Shinn who was still standing dumbstruck in front of them and the younger man felt as if his heart had ceased from beating at the empty, unguarded look on his superior's face.

"Shinn, please leave us for a moment," the General's voice was low but firm.

He nodded dumbly and did as was told, closing the door behind him silently, almost unaware of what he was doing. Donna raised her eyebrows at the frozen expression on his face but he ignored her and slumped onto one of the seats in front of the Head Representative's office, his report dropped carelessly onto another. He was not unfamiliar with what havoc temper could wreak on someone, but this… this was different.

Not temper, he corrected himself numbly. Cagalli had never exploded because of temper anymore since she had reclaimed her office and Kira, in any case, was so much better in holding back his emotions.

It was sadness, loss and desperation.

Shinn felt himself trembling, his sight fogged as if he was lost in a thick blanket of mist. Everything was his fault.

Seconds blended into minutes and minutes into hours as he sat there, staring at the closed door, clenching and unclenching his fists. Sometimes voices were carried out from inside the room and yet never clear enough for him to understand a word of it. Whatever happening beyond that door was not pretty and wasn't it also his fault? Shinn felt numb, tired of the constant guilt nagging inside him like an old, incurable wound kept throbbing and bleeding under his skin.

He wanted it to end.

When the door was finally opened again from the other side, the face which appeared behind the threshold was calm and Kira's voice betrayed nothing unusual as he said, "Please come in, Shinn."

His feet felt like lead when he forced them to move, advancing to the entrance left half-opened. He spared a glance toward his wristwatch and was astonished to find out that no more than thirty minutes had passed since he had left Fllaga in their office. Inside, Cagalli was no longer behind her desk. She was slumped in the couch, elbows propped on her knees, her fingers twisting each other viciously and her cheeks stained with what suspiciously looked like tracks of tears. Kira sat to her right and motioned for him to take a seat for himself too.

"I have decided," Kira spoke quietly and on his left, his sister suppressed a slight quiver. Shinn attempted a little nod, unsure of the outcome of the earlier argument, and focused his eyes at the small patch of dampness stark against the white background of Kira's uniform-clad shoulder.

"Tomorrow morning, I will leave ORB to join the search," the General resumed. "Please come later with Lieutenant General Fllaga to my office at six to receive your instructions. I will leave everything in the hand of you two during my absence."

"Yes, Sir," he replied stiffly, not surprised that once again Cagalli had won the fierce battle but still feeling a little strange. Kira was the more stubborn one between the two when it came to his firmest decisions and Shinn was very sure that what he had seen in the other man's violet eyes previously was one of them.

And then the answer struck him.

It was pride, a point so vital for one as powerful as Kira Yamato, and the General clearly had mastered the art to know where to place it, how to handle it. It had been pride too, Shinn realized miserably, which had made him angry for no apparent reason during these three agonizing days, his pride which couldn't accept that his carelessness had resulted in something so grave and dangerous. He couldn't help but to compare and was forced to swallow another sour gulp of mortification at the blatant result. Kira had his pride under control, carefully using it when necessary and putting it aside when there were more important things to set his sight upon, while Shinn's pride was childish and rather detrimental than developing. It was clear, hard piece of fact.

Was there really that big of a gap between them?

"Be very careful until I return," Kira's voice was gentle as he looked at his sister. "I won't be gone for long. Three days at most."

She returned his obvious display of concern with a small, weak smile, her still-glazed golden eyes brightening momentarily. "Don't worry. Just find him, you idiot brother of mine."

Kira reached for her joined hands and squeezed them. "Thank you."

This was it, Shinn found himself wishing for more strength when the General looked back at him, violet eyes sombre. At last, for the first time in these three days of tormenting hell he recognized faint traces of remorse – and perhaps disappointment – in them and for some reasons, it fuelled his veins with barrels of much-needed strength. He faced his pride, a hideous skyscraper that blinded his sense and dulled his sensibility, and tore it down.

"I will not let you down for the second time," he heard himself vowing solemnly.

"I believe you," Kira smiled at him, a poignant little smile that stung sharp and bitter in his heart, "but what I was about to say is, please return to your home tonight and have some sleep, Shinn. You cannot do your job without rest. Will you do it?"

The question was uttered so softly that Shinn almost broke down to tears.

"Yes, Sir."

It was his mistake. He had to be the last person who gave up.

End Chapter Four

-----

Notes: I hope I didn't do anything detrimental to the characters's personality. Do tell me if I did and if you have any comment at all. Thanks for reading!

ToPetya, sorry about the three names. I won't change them but I don't think they will be mentioned again, so please bear with it for this once. No pilot's names anymore, I promise.