Crossfire

by Jusrecht

They are the four corners of a puzzle, four setting stones of the peace. If one disappears, all will shatter and fall. When Athrun disappeared, it meant more than losing a lover for Kira, more than a comrade to Cagalli and Lacus. [KiraAthrun, ShinnCaga]

10. Shinn : For Better Or Worse

Title: Crossfire

Author: Jusrecht

See Warnings and Disclaimer in chapter one.

A/N: I have just realized how fun it is to write Shinn. It's almost like swearing and howling one's heart out suddenly become legal. So yeah, that means beware of the language in this chapter. And while we're at it, lack of coherence may as well be noticed because I'm using a very, VERY – do you see the capital letters? – liberal style of writing in this chapter. Whether it's better or worse compared to the former chapters, you'll be the judge.

A/N2: Did I mention that the chapters are slowly but steadily growing longer? Yes, this chapter has more than 7k words, believe me.

A/N3: This chapter is dedicated to White Butterfly, who has been so kind to beta this chapter. Thanks a lot, mate!

-----

Chapter Ten: Shinn – For Better or Worse

-----

Shinn hated waiting. Immensely. Any activity that included sitting around with absolutely nothing to do never sat well with him.

But what he hated even more was to wait with a nervous feeling eating him from the inside and knowing very well that he couldn't do a thing about it. That was an absolute hell.

It had only been one or two minutes. The call was going to get through this time, he knew it, and with each passing second, fear was mounting fast in his chest. He stared blankly at the letter 'S' decorating his coffee mug, a Christmas gift from his superior last year, his fingers tapping the surface of his desk in an irregular rhythm. The tension dulled his senses, almost detaching him from reality like a thin sheet spread out all over his body, but his ears remained alert for a change to the repetitious sound which told him that he was still on hold.

Shinn thought that he had confronted the worst when he had picked up the phone and dialed Luna's number. It had not been a pleasant experience to gather the necessary courage and inform a close friend of yours that you might have killed her sister, and now that he had repeated the occasion, he might as well try to hand his plate on a silver platter. When Luna's trembling voice had escalated to a full-scale howl, Shinn remembered thinking that he didn't deserve anything less.

It was little more than the blind side of anger, he knew, but every accusation his former girlfriend had put on him stabbed him deeply. Perhaps because Luna had been so forgiving in the former occasion. Or perhaps because Shinn knew that every word of them was true.

And now he was calling Meyrin.

He would never admit it out loud, but yesterday, when the nurse had informed him that Meyrin was unable to receive his call, he had felt unbelievably relieved. Shinn was not a coward, hated cowardice to the farthest point and regularly kicked his subordinates' asses for bearing the slightest resemblance to that one attitude, but it was one thing to bring yourself before the one you had wronged gravely and say 'I'm sorry, I fuck up, you can hit me'. It was an entirely different matter to realize that it would be the second time you said that to the same person.

But Shinn had to admit that he would rather face every person he had wronged in the universe than cause any of them death. He glanced to his right at the closed door, frowning as uncertainties began to rise in his chest. Secretly, fervently, he had been hoping that Kira would find Athrun. After all they were the two war heroes who seemed ridiculously immortal no matter what anyone tried to bring the myth to an end. He had promised himself that there was nothing short of a dead body brought to his own face that would make him lose his hope.

But the hope was dwindling fast, especially now when the prolonged absence of his general was getting to its end. There had not been a word about anyone finding anything after the life pod with Meyrin in it had been discovered.

"Hello?"

Right. Meyrin. He straightened himself up and cleared his suddenly dry throat. Her voice was low and cautious, almost as if its owner was expecting some very bad news from the call. Which was probably the case, Shinn realized with a wince.

"Meyrin."

"Oh, Shinn!" the voice changed drastically, now sounding almost ecstatic. He blinked, taken aback. Definitely not the reaction he was expecting. "How are you? I'm sorry I was asleep yesterday. The nurse said that you called me."

"It's okay," he murmured, feeling more awkward than he had been in years. "How are you feeling?"

"Fine, I'm recovering pretty fast according to the doctor," the cheerful note was still there and Shinn started doubting if he even spoke to the right person. Or perhaps he had fallen asleep while waiting, that would be a good explanation. But everything seemed real enough and Meyrin kept speaking with that unnaturally cheerful voice of her. "I should be able to go home next week. I really can't wait to. You have no idea how boring hospital can be."

"That's great to hear." The words came out more like a squeak and it took all his willpower not to abandon his seat and kick out an officer who had just come into the office with a stack of documents. That undignified sound from a lieutenant general!

"Thanks." He could almost see the corresponding smile on Meyrin's face and for a moment he forgot about the unwelcome intruder. "Too bad you're fifteen minutes late. If you called me earlier, you'd've been able to speak to Onee-san too."

Shinn winced. Well, it was one thing he wasn't sure to be disappointed or grateful about. And the officer was already eyeing him uncertainly at this point. He glared, pointing at the relatively empty desk across the room, and added another glare once the stack had been put down carefully, scaring the man away. His temper's reputation certainly had its uses.

"Luna was there?" Shinn forced himself to ask once he was alone again, trying to sound normal. Not that he was curious or anything, just to fill in the blank.

"Every day. I've never been showered with so much attention from her since I was probably two or three," the small piece of information was ended with an affectionate chuckle, but her voice turned serious when she spoke again, "I heard she got angry at you. Really sorry, Shinn. I'm sure Onee-san was only worried about me and didn't mean anything by that."

But that meant something for Shinn. Something snapped within him and at the next moment, he had found himself nursing a fast-rising anger and speaking abruptly in long trains of words that seemed to tumble out of his mouth in their own free will. "Meyrin, listen, I don't care how this sounds but I'm a stupid irresponsible asshole and you know it. You're always too kind. You didn't say anything that time. He didn't say anything that time. You both smiled when I felt like you should kick my ass or punch me until I lose all my teeth or whatever. But I'll be damned if I let you do the same now."

There was a deafening silence as he breathed in and out heavily after the short, sudden outburst, and then a quiet chuckle from the other side of the line. "Shinn, you just never change," Meyrin said, sounding amused and sad at the same time. "I really like that side of you, but Shinn... I understand how you feel but blaming yourself won't make us find him faster."

"I know, it's just–" he swallowed, gripping the receiver tightly, "I don't know what I should do. I feel more worthless than shit."

There was a soft sniff and Meyrin's voice was slightly unstable when she replied, "I wish I can help you, but I'm still hoping despite everything, Shinn. And it's really painful."

The last word came out more like a whisper and Shinn buried his face in his empty hand, eyes suddenly burning with something more than angry tears. "God, Meyrin, I'm so sorry. If I can trade places with him–"

"Don't say stupid things like that," she cut him firmly, a disapproving note ringing in her voice. "You know I don't wish for it."

"But if it could make everything better?"

"And make someone else feel as horrible as you do now? I never knew you to be so selfish, Shinn."

Perhaps it was the obvious distaste in her voice, because he suddenly found himself lost for words. It wasn't his intention – of course not. He would rather die than cause an innocent person to bear his burden. He had never actually tried to see it from that angle, but when Meyrin put it that way... He closed his eyes and massaged his temple, murmuring, "Right, I'm sorry."

A sigh echoed from the line and Meyrin said patiently, "You're not in the wrong."

"No, but my stupidity is."

"Okay, so your stupidity is," the patience was gone in an instant and Shinn could only listen, dumbfounded, as his friend broke into an irritated rant. "Then why don't you rip it off your skinny ass and kick it to Artemis? I think it will solve the problem pretty fast. Or do whatever you want as long as we don't have to see it anymore because it's annoying and please, Shinn, grow up. No one is blaming you and if there is one, I'll be the first to confront them and tell them to buy some screws to fix their head because they obviously have it all wrong."

Shinn found himself gaping at the end of the rant and the next second, he could no longer contain a wave of laughter that was bubbling up his throat. "You're spending way too much time with Athrun," he pointed out and was horrorstricken when he realized that he had said the name.

But Meyrin only dismissed it with a matching laugh. "Maybe I am. Being with him has its advantages. There are some useful tricks I can definitely use in daily life."

"I'm sure making me feel like the biggest loser in the world is one of them," he said dryly, inwardly grateful that there was no video link available in the hospital lest she could see that his face was currently drowned in relief.

"Who knows, although I must say it is a very useful skill indeed," she replied cheekily.

Shinn smiled despite the witty reply. If her intention was to make him feel better, she had done a damn good job about it. If only he could see her smile, to know that she was also smiling and not just pretending for his sake. He wanted nothing more than to lessen her burden as well, because in spite of everything she had said, Shinn knew that he had made a mistake, had played a role in something which none of them wanted to happen.

"You don't have to feel guilty," suddenly she said again, almost as if she could read his mind. "I know everything may not end up like we want to, but I'm trying, Shinn, I'm trying to accept the truth. It doesn't help to be delusional. Onee-san said so too."

The strong, beautiful Luna. The woman he had left in search of his dreams, in the chase of his ideals. Shinn felt a familiar hand twisting his heart at the thought and couldn't help but to murmur, "She forgave me."

"I know," Meyrin's voice was calm, almost soothing. "She is the most mature of us all, don't you think?"

"She is your Onee-san, so that's okay, but I at least should be able to act as mature as her," he wryly pointed out.

Meyrin giggled, a sound that suddenly made his heart felt ten times lighter – and if it didn't, her following words certainly would. "But you've changed too, Shinn, in a way. The old Shinn wouldn't listen to me and admit that I'm right although he obviously thinks so."

He was surprised. It wasn't as if he had wanted her to know that he had vowed to change for the better, but she knew nevertheless. And it was another thing he wasn't sure what to feel about. For comparison, the old him would certainly be upset – more out of embarrassment than irritation – that Meyrin had been able to distinguish what he counted as sacredly personal, and his defensive mechanism would be up in no time. But he remembered Kira and what he had learnt about pride and its uses, and thought that he could do it too.

"Thank you," Shinn heard himself mumble.

Meyrin must be genuinely surprised because for a long while, only silence would answer to his two little, mumbled words. Or maybe she didn't hear that, he found himself hoping as his face heated up in alarming eagerness. He shouldn't have said anything. Even if Kira could do it, this clearly wasn't for him. He could already feel himself slowly and painfully dying because of embarrassment.

And then of course Meyrin had to go and say, "What was that again? I think I must have misheard."

To die because of embarrassment sounded thoroughly appalling if not ridiculous, but even that wouldn't hold a candle to what he was suffering now, which was to live and breathe with embarrassment. Shinn didn't dare to imagine what state his face was in now and sent prayers desperately to every god above that no subordinate of his would come again into the room until he could do something about it.

"You're testing me, aren't you?" he growled sourly.

Another chuckle greeted his accusation. "I must say that being able to detect that is also another proof that you've changed. Congratulations, Shinn."

"I really have no idea if you are mocking or flattering me."

"Well, that's for you to guess," her reply was airy, hardly-suppressed amusement colouring her voice.

But it was already an established fact that he couldn't stay angry with Meyrin for long, and now, after all he had done, only made the fact more obvious. And there was a little part of him which whispered relief, calming him because the sound of her voice eased his own troubled heart and made him hope, even if just a little, that everything was alright and they could move on. Closing his eyes, Shinn found himself once more wishing that he could see her. He wanted to make sure with his own eyes that she was alright, that the wound he had – although not deliberately – inflicted on her was not incurable.

"I wish I can go to PLANT and see you," he said, his voice so soft that it nearly sounded like a whisper.

"Oh, I don't need two people fussing after me," she answered promptly and he could almost see her before his eyes, waving her hand in a dismissive gesture. "You do your job, Shinn. With General Yamato absent, I'm pretty sure you have your hands full there."

"Yeah, I know," he admitted reluctantly. "He was the one who found you, wasn't he?"

"The others said he was. I wasn't exactly conscious when it happened so I couldn't possibly know for sure myself."

Shinn exhaled a deep sigh and his eyes involuntarily glanced at Kira's door. They were – once again – treading dangerous water. "Did you meet him?" he asked, careful not to aggravate a wound which condition he was unsure of.

"Yes," Meyrin sounded undecided, although because of what he could not tell. "He is strong, isn't he?"

"Very," he mumbled, fighting down the urge to say 'too much'. Because it was what Kira really was. So inhumanely strong. So implausibly calm. Those were two qualities which he held to the highest regard, two that often he found himself lacking. It was then when something rapidly crossed his mind and he felt his eyes widen, heart racing in his chest at the sudden realization. "Meyrin, you know–"

"I only hope for the best," she cut him short almost too quickly, "and my main concern now is getting myself out of here. Boredom can shorten someone's lifespan, do you know that?"

Shinn frowned, noticing her reluctance to talk about the subject, but at the same time was relieved that they had retreated to a safer ground. He decided to follow and save the previous topic for later inspection.

"Right, how about your job?" he tried to pronounce the question as casually as possible.

"Representative Hayes has his own secretary, I believe. Maybe I'll get transferred somewhere or maybe he'll want me around to help for a while. Who knows?"

"He is a good man, right?"

"Yes, he is," Meyrin's voice was tight and Shinn wondered if he had made a wrong turn somewhere. "He is a very decent man, and very capable too in my opinion. And Shinn, I need to remind you that you are currently depleting ORB's military budget by making this call."

"I'm using my own phone," he defended himself, adding just a little hurt to let her know that he was indeed hurt by that suggestion.

Meyrin's chuckle reverberated through the line. "Why didn't that surprise me," she remarked lightly before her voice once more taking on a more sincere nature. "I miss you too, Shinn. Come and visit me as soon as all of this is over, okay?"

He found his throat suddenly too tight to produce a sound as Meyrin plunged into a detailed narrative of what she felt they would have to do once he was there. Even with only half of his attention listening, he could tell what she was describing. Moments of the past – visiting an ice cream stall near the PLANT Council Building, cruising around the lake with a hoodless car, treating her to a large slice of chocolate-frosted cake – because PLANT's Council Building had been Athrun's office and the hoodless car had been Athrun's car and the cake had usually come from Athrun's fridge. They had been his moments and now, in some twisted way, his presence had been ripped out of the pictures.

Meyrin left him to pick up the fallen pieces and Shinn didn't know what to make of it. If he tried to reach out and touch them, would they vanish?

"Okay, Shinn?"

Her voice woke him up from his zealous self-blaming. He blinked the fogginess out of his eyes and quickly assumed a voice of mock seriousness, "Your wish is my command, milady."

The lively sound of Meyrin's laughter ended their conversation. Shinn put his cell phone down on the desk, smiling a little but also feeling a good deal more exhausted than he had during those sleepless nights of hating himself. It hadn't been as awful as he had feared, but he wasn't really sure if it served for a celebration or the complete opposite. Meyrin sounded almost... normal and that very fact bugged him very much.

He would have preferred an outright tongue-lashing Luna had unreservedly given him. At least it would take the confusing part out. And the worried too, in that matter. Forgiveness was an arcane issue because it looked so damn nice that it scared him most of the time. Shinn knew how hard it was to forgive and the fact that others could do it for him only swelled the whole arcane-ness of the problem because knock knock, are you sane? Do you know how stupid it is to forgive someone who killed the man you love – or your precious one for fifteen years in certain someone's case? Because I think you must be FUCKING OUT OF YOUR MIND!

Because he knew for certain what he would do if someone dared to hurt Athrun, or Luna, or anyone whom he held dear in that matter. He would hunt that person down and tear them from limb to limb and shred every bit of bone in their body while they were still alive. In short, he would make the last minutes – preferably hours – of their life a very living, breathable hell. Now, he couldn't very well perform all those rituals to himself, could he? Physically speaking of course, since he had no trouble whatsoever to do it to himself mentally and so very realistically that it surprised him the fact that he had not lost even a shred of skin. And everyone to whom he had offered the chance had neatly backed off under pretext of forgiveness.

It almost drove him insane.

And if in the end he discovered that those who forgave him had not really forgiven him... well, Shinn had always known himself to be a hardy fool, but he didn't think that he could live with that fact ringing in his head.

Thus we arrived at the second issue.

How could he possibly know if that wasn't the problem? Meyrin was very kind, and although he doubted her to be bitching about him and his stupidity behind his back, there was virtually no way he could find out the true degree of sincerity of her forgiveness without losing a head or two. Which, of course, he wouldn't mind in the slightest if that statement was true to its denotation, but he was starting to speak – and think – in metaphors and the ridiculous amount of paradoxical words and incomprehensible lexis could make him lose another head, which was a metaphor again because...

Shinn buried his head in his arms with a strangled, almost sob-like moan. Girls were ambiguous creatures. And while he was at it, he could as well admit that all his endeavours to gain the tiniest bit of comprehension on what they could have actually felt while they were sending out all of these contradictory signals had ended in utter failure. He really would have preferred his own sex. Even Athrun was much easier to understand – although there had been times when he was about to rip his hair out because how dare you do something like that, you asshole, can't you see that you have guns pointed to your head on regular basis and that someone will probably slit his throat if anything happens to you and most likely I will follow after doing those rituals I've mentioned above but of course you don't care right because you're the great Athrun Zala and justice itself and you think that humanity worth everything and I– argh!This is so stupid!

He could almost hear the dry, witty rejoinder in his head and despite everything, Shinn felt himself smiling in response. It still hurt to think about Athrun but he no longer avoided the thought like a plague. The pain had somewhat numbed, slowly but surely since he couldn't help but to encounter the same face, the same voice every time he worked on the shuttle's case, and he kept wishing every time he opened his eyes that it would be real, that the voice would speak to him in its real presence, not only a fantasy of his weary grey cells.

Kira had told him not to bury himself in self-reproach but Shinn was very, very good at being stubborn, yes.

He sighed and grabbed the newspaper that had fallen off his desk somewhere during his phone call. As much as it was impossible for him to find solace in the news – it seemed like nothing was able to satisfy the lust of every journalist around this galaxy but Athrun, the shuttle, PLANT, Athrun and Athrun again – at least, there were real words to read. He was getting very, very vexed with imaginary words running about in his head.

The front page was mostly filled with an enormously lengthy update of the search, which he knew for certain suffered a rather nonexistent development, and the news of the election for the temporary chairman of PLANT Supreme Council. Disinclined to waste any second on both, he turned to the next page which contained local news from a small storm that upset neighboring fishermen to the launching of a new weather satellite. He passed everything with a mere glance until page six, where he stumbled upon a very small, barely-five-paragraphs report on the investigation of the murders involving the three council members.

Right. The Murders. Amidst the maelstrom, he almost forgot about the dreadful fate befalling those people merely two weeks ago. And so did the world, it would seem, if the size of the news were any implication. He skimmed over the news quickly and, finding nothing of significance, moved on to the next page.

After a few minutes of shuffling and yawning, Shinn arrived to the conclusion that no other section could rouse his interest. The only news he wanted to read about was the one he would have undoubtedly heard from the Head Representative first-hand if it indeed happened. Or taking Kira's overly nice nature into account, he would have already received a phone call from the general himself.

Ignoring the third section of the newspaper, Shinn folded the paper and carelessly threw it onto the pile of paperwork on his desk. He had nothing against sport. In fact, sports would interest him greatly if he had no graver things in mind and unfortunately he did at the moment. That fact, in itself, would hardly hinder him to read about sports because goddamnit he really needed to waste his time somehow until his aide arrived with the result of his investigation this afternoon and he was already sick of thinking about the stupid shuttle. But crammed together with the sport news in the third section was the obituary and at the moment, Shinn Asuka avoided everything which bore even the remotest relation to death with a single-minded passion.

He had seen worse in his dreams – with blood, gore, torn limbs and stuff – but a mere piece of paper with the word 'dead' and 'Athrun Zala' strung together managed to evoke the same horror in him. It didn't matter how. If Athrun was dead, then he was dead and anything else hardly mattered to Shinn.

Except the ritual part, of course.

But Meyrin is still alive,

a part of his mind reminded him and another answered mockingly, living like hell, you mean, and Shinn couldn't help but to agree because wasn't it true? Meyrin had not said it but he had been truly, almost-numbingly scared that she would have asked the question.

Shinn, why aren't I dead too?

If she had, he might have answered, well, why don't we just kill each other right now?

As sick as it sounded, he was serious. Luckily she hadn't and the scenario was put aside neatly. In a way, he was grateful because there was a promise he had made and to keep it, he needed to be very much alive.

The door to his office was barged open and his officemate strode in with a very pissed off look on his face.

"That old man is gone at last," Lieutenant General Fllaga growled in his most menacing tone of voice. Shinn raised his eyebrows at this. Was it just him or his current mind work apparently wasn't only suffering a case of metaphor but also hyperbolism?

"Who? The ambassador from the South African Union?"

Fllaga slammed his cap onto his desk and made a face at him. "No, the janitor from your apartment. Yes, of course it was the almighty ambassador from the South African Union! That man drives me mad. The meeting should be about an economic agreement but he kept mentioning about the shuttle incident. You know, I begin to suspect if this is enough of a blackmail material for us." At this point, Shinn began to open his mouth, which attempt was cut off brusquely by the other man. "Oh no, you don't. We're together in this, for better or worse, and don't you dare say a word about it."

He frowned. They didn't allow him to apologize and it frustrated him to no end. He was not fond of apologizing – his pride had made sure of it – but sometimes, sometimes it was worse to just be forgiven so easily because...

Shinn sighed in defeat, suppressing his frustration as low as he could. Best not to go into that rant again, better for the health of every party involved.

"Don't worry, leave it to Cagalli," Fllaga's voice was reassuring and irritating at the same time.

Shinn massaged his temple and threw a weary glance at the older man. "Was she doing alright?"

The impatient note was quick to return into the older man's voice. "More than alright, though there were times when I wanted to wring that god-awful man's neck because he kept cutting her statements. But you know Cagalli. She would never allow herself to be pulverized."

"I can imagine that," he replied dryly, inwardly congratulating himself on a work well done. Spreading his waspish personality wasn't that hard obviously, although one might want to take a moment to admit that this was the person he spent most of his working hours with.

Seating himself behind his desk, Mwu relieved himself from one or two tight buttons and looked across the room at him. "So what were you doing all morning while I was dealing with the great ambassador? And why are these documents on my desk?" he waved toward the enormous stack of paper with something akin to desperation.

"It's your share of paperwork. I've finished mine during the aforementioned morning," Shinn answered with a smirk.

"Inconsiderate brat," amusement crept into the other man's voice at last and Shinn just had to widen his smirk. "It's never too late to start piling good deeds, but of course you prefer to watch me suffer. By the way, the Kingdom of Scandinavia contacted us about the security for the summit in November."

This time, it took a frown out of him.

"I thought it was an internal problem."

"It used to be, but with recent developments, they also felt the need to inform us that taking a good care of our representative is our own responsibility in the end," Fllaga said and looked away in distaste as he began to scan through the first document. "Not that the warning is necessary though. With what happened to PLANT, I doubt anyone would attempt a less-than-high security level."

Shinn felt a headache starting to writhe inside his head. His workmate was right. The world had not been exactly at peace after the murders, let alone after the shuttle incident. Suspicion was endemic and except for a nation which had lost three council members and a chairman, ORB suffered the greatest blow, especially in the term of trust and good name.

Once again – though it could change nothing at this point – he would gladly sell his soul if he could turn back time and prevent Athrun going into that shuttle.

Resisting another urge to sink into a passionate tirade about why he shouldn't exist, Shinn leant deeper into his chair and tapped a finger on his desk to cover his uneasiness. "Then Kira will be the escort, won't he?"

The other man shrugged. "Not sure, but it's likely. We can't trust anyone less. Cagalli will have to be in the best of hands and you know very well what an international conference can turn out into."

Of course. He had been fourteen when the Tragedy of Copernicus had happened and while munching his dinner away happily, had learned about it and Chairman Clyne's providential escape from the evening news. It didn't concern him or his family so he hadn't actually given a damn, but he remembered his father saying that he was grateful they were living in the neutral ORB. Shinn snorted at the thought. Well, at least he had gotten over that part. And Cagalli's reign wasn't exactly free from life-threatening incidents either, so yes, he was familiar with what those worldwide affairs could turn out into.

"Kira contacted her this morning," Fllaga spoke again, not raising his eyes from the paper. "He said he would return in two days."

That statement dropped a bomb onto his head. "They are giving up??"

His colleague sent him an uncomfortable look. "It's all in the news at PLANT. Giving up is not the word though. Chairman Hayes promised another party to continue the search, even if it will undoubtedly be smaller."

"That's bullshit!" He suddenly bellowed and slammed his fist to the desk, shooting to his feet. "Another party? A find-his-body team?? If that son of a bitch wants to be the goddamn chairman, he may as well say so!"

"We don't–"

"It's so fucking obvious!"

"Shinn."

The low, stern, one-word reprimand managed to get his attention and he stared, fuming, at the calm face of Mwu la Fllaga.

"Have you eaten yet?"

For a long moment, he could only open and close his jaw repeatedly in a very fishlike manner until another vein popped in his head and he burst out, incredulous, "And you're talking about eating right now? Are you drugged or something??"

"We cannot do anything about this," the older man informed him, still with that god-awful calmness that made Shinn want to stomp his way across the room and hit him with a coatrack. "You may think it's wrong or unfair but the Supreme Council has a valid excuse. They need their men and honestly, Shinn, we also need our general. Things have started going out of our hands without him and you know it."

"He won't be our general if he comes back now," Shinn snarled viciously. "He will be a miserable broken man with a hell to live in because a fucking brainless idiot has ripped his lover from his side!"

"That's why we need to be there to support him!" For the first time Fllaga raised his voice, loud enough that it made the younger man wince. "No one can go through this alone! Not him and obviously not you! God, Shinn, I don't know why the hell you're being so stupid! We have been through this already!"

"But they're giving up!"

At this point, Fllaga had also stood up furiously, his pen clenched tightly between white fingers. "They can do what they want but don't you dare to forget that Kira is not giving up! Cagalli is not! Lacus is not and I'll personally thrash you until next year if you say that you've given up!"

Shinn didn't answer and they stood motionless, glaring at each other across the room. The words hurt him. Because Meyrin was right – it was painful to keep hoping. The fear was still out there, prowling in the darkness and ready to pounce at the first given chance because all it needed was a four-letter word.

Dead.

Shinn shuddered at the thought but Fllaga's fierce gaze didn't let him to back down. There was something in his eyes, a desperate hope maybe, and it called out to him like a plea for help. Perhaps something stronger, something less pitiful, but whatever it was, it wasn't as if he could back down in the first place. Shinn almost laughed. Yes, he was in it, together with them.

For better or worse.

He huffed and sat down, muttering, "I'm not giving up."

"Then don't go ballistic over something like that," Fllaga retorted, imitating him to reclaim his seat and the ground was once again neutral. "It's painful for us all and it's Kira who suffers the most, remember that."

"He's still so calm about it," Shinn continued mumbling. "Something is definitely wrong with that guy."

Fllaga let out a sound that very much resembled a snort. "That doesn't mean you can have his share of shouting and yelling and generally making me want to throw this paperweight at you," he said, said object suddenly appearing between his fingers. "You know why, Shinn."

"Yes," he admitted heavily. "It's still not human though."

"We'll see when he's back, and then you can yell at him as you please," Fllaga replied with a tone that clearly said to leave the matter at that. "Now, have you eaten?"

Shinn rolled his eyes, feeling marginally annoyed by the older man's persistence to fuss over him. "It's eleven in the morning," he stated matter-of-factly and got on his feet. "I'm going to take a walk for a minute. Contact me if anything comes up."

If he thought that Fllaga would give the whole lunch issue a rest, he would be the stupidest being in the universe, stupider than an ass and its stupider offspring because even an ass would not fall into the same hole twice. Shinn found himself thinking somewhere along that line when the other man's voice rose again in the background.

"Have lunch with me at one?"

He turned around, a painful smile on his lips. "Your treat?"

It must be a grimace that crossed Fllaga's face. "Opportunist little punk."

Shinn smirked. At least he won that.

He sauntered outside, relieved to welcome the bright and warm sunlight to clear his head. What was that again? Right, Athrun. And the new bastard-turned-chairman who stopped the search. He had always thought that Hayes was a good man – young and ambitious and rather impatient in the side perhaps, but a good man nonetheless. And wasn't he supposed to be one of Athrun's most fixated supporters?

But he had to admit that Fllaga was right – and the reasons he had pointed out were so sickeningly reasonable that nothing could challenge the degree of rightness of his logic. But to keep hoping after they stopped the search? Shinn knew of miracles, but even he wasn't that stupid to think that whoever watching above was bestowing the m-word so liberally.

What about Kira then, he found himself wondering. He had been griping about Meyrin, but Kira? His colleague had said it clearly himself. If there was anyone who had been hurt the most, it was Kira. But. But the general had smiled at him and told him to keep hoping. Shinn wondered if it hadn't been only an attempt Kira had made to convince himself, because wasn't it supposed to be him who was hurt the most?

It was painful to keep hoping.

Of course. They were hoping of the nigh-impossible, the most unattainable hope among hopes, and to him, it almost felt like deceiving himself.

And then something struck him. Of course. How could he be so intolerably stupid? It had always been painful to hope, painful because the outcome was never certain. In everything, everywhere, to hope when you realized that you could be wounded by the result in the end was always painful. And Kira didn't surrender to that pain, it was as simple as that.

At that moment, Shinn understood the word 'shame'.

The breath he took in was shaky and he didn't notice a group of officers who had just turned around the corner and immediately saluted in the most correct manner at the mere sight of him. He walked passed them, currently blind to anything else but the sudden revelation in his head.

So that was the big deal of being stronger, Shinn felt himself smiling wryly. And he had thought that Kira was some sort of heaven-sent warrior because he possessed those unearthly superiorities no normal man should. There was no secret recipe. Just that. Never surrender to pain.

He closed his eyes and sighed deeply. If it was pain, he felt like he could take more than the world could ever challenge with. Kira did that, Cagalli did that. Hell, even Fllaga did that. There was really no reason that he couldn't. He would keep hoping. So what if the fall was going to be farther or harder when the hope turned out to be false? That was the other side of the coin. He simply had to pray that he got the right one.

Shinn was good at being stubborn, wasn't he?

The day had suddenly become brighter and friendlier. Armed with the desire to protect everything and support everyone, he continued his wandering toward the fountain in front of the Cabinet Building. Reflecting the sunlight, the magnificent structure was a sight to see and he found himself smiling as he bent down, tasting the coolness with his fingers. And at that moment something interesting happened – or in a better explanation, a succession of extraordinary, completely unforeseen, subsequently mind-numbing happenings.

First, he stopped walking. Second, a group of important-looking people emerged and passed by – ignored him like he was some kind of generic lamppost on the sidewalk. Third, Representative Athha, who apparently was leading said group, noticed his presence. Fourth, she gave him a very tiny, very fleeting smile, but otherwise did not show any sign of being able to distinguish him from a lamppost. Fifth, he felt like the ground below his feet had opened and his footing was nowhere to be found.

Clouds inched away slowly, the sun climbed to its highest throne, birds and butterflies fluttered past him and the clock was generally ticking away. He stood there long after the company had disappeared behind a door somewhere, rooted to the spot, letting the content of his stomach do acrobatics as they saw fit.

His first not-so-coherent thought was: What the hell was that??

His second very coherent, perfectly rational thought was: I will look stupid if I continue standing here and gaping like an idiot, and so he looked away, shook his head incredulously and continued his aimless wandering. The mobile suit training ground looked like a wonderful place to visit next. Perhaps a sparring and a little sweat could clear his head and calm his rebellious stomach, although without Kira, there was scarcely anyone who could hold an even ground with him.

As for now, there were only three conclusions he could make of his condition.

His first deduction after the intricate and very complex process of thinking was: There was something infinitely wrong with him.

His second deduction almost immediately after was: maybe he had not been eating right, or maybe the milk he had drunk this morning while half-asleep was way past its expired date. Bad milk could really upset one's stomach as personal experiences had taught him.

His third deduction was: There was no third deduction, because any allusion to subject A being interested to subject B was a perfect laughing material and thoroughly ridiculous and thus ought to be shunned with the utmost repulsion.

Contented with the second – and apparently final – deduction, Shinn turned around and retraced his way back to his office, eager to force Fllaga into training and have a promise kept in the shape of a sumptuous five-course lunch.

End Chapter Ten

-----

Notes: Shinn should be angsting up there, I know, but there is hardly any angsting because he kidnapped my angst!muse and changed it into a rabid-humor-crack!muse. I promise it won't happen again, but you know, sometimes writers get carried away and produce something far, far different from their initial idea. Too much thinking about Shinn did that to you.

A little explanation about the Tragedy of Copernicus which happened on February 5 C.E. 70. According to Gundam Official: "The Tragedy of Copernicus. At the urging of Secretary-General of the United Nations, negotiations take place at the lunar city Copernicus. A terrorist bombing claims the lives of the sponsor nations' representatives, the Secretary-General, and the rest of the United Nations leadership. The PLANT Representative, Chairman Clyne, is delayed by a shuttle malfunction and escapes the bombing."

So I've had my fun with Shinn. The next chapter will finally unfold more of the main plot and will definitely be longer exactly because of that. Thank you for everyone who is reading. Please review!