Title: Crossfire

Author: Jusrecht

See Disclaimer and Warnings in chapter one.

Thank you for everybody who has reviewed. This chapter is dedicated to GenderFucked Angel who wants to know more about how Kira feels (I know it's an old promise, but still) and Darkmoon Fleur who constantly put in comments on my Kira and helps me improve in writing him. Thanks and enjoy.

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Chapter Twelve: Kira – A Dull Pain

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Once he opened the door, he was immediately drowned in a flutter of black and pink.

Kira took a few steps back, steadying himself and the extra baggage his arms had been trusted with, and could not help but smile a little as a familiar scent overwhelmed his nose. Yzak had told him about her coming but he certainly did not expect it to be this fast.

"Kira, oh Kira," Lacus whispered, looking up at him with a pair of anxious blue eyes. "How are you? I am really sorry about everything. I wish I can come sooner but everything is so hectic in PLANT."

"I'm okay, Lacus," he answered gently, his smile widening on its own accord despite his too obvious lie. He had really missed her and this little meeting came in the most appropriate time. Yzak was helpful and more than willing to cooperate no matter how antagonistic he tried to appear, and Dearka fussed over him so much that he could not help but to feel touched, knowing that he had friends all around him, and still, it was different. Lacus understood his pain like no others, probably from being one of the persons closest to him, and she had always been his harbour when all were lost. It was ironic now that he remembered the last time he took so much comfort from her had been when Athrun had intended to kill him years ago. And now the cause was Athrun again, although on a vastly different basis.

Still, his pleasure to see her again was shadowed by the prominent changes about her he had no choice but to notice. She was still beautiful, but no longer could he call her merely slender. Emaciated would be more like it. The black council dress might cover her obvious lack of eating but those gaunt cheeks beneath a pair of swollen eye bags spoke more than one or two volumes to him.

"You are thinner," he said, his voice nearly caught in his throat.

"And so are you," she replied with a look which both reproached and apologized. He gave her a quiet smile, one arm guiding her to the only chair in the room while he occupied the bed himself. She put her purse neatly on her lap and stared at him.

"I heard you were the one who discovered the bodies," she started tentatively.

"Dearka and I," he corrected, feeling the familiar lump in his throat every time he remembered the scene. Kira doubted he would be able to forget the room with its piles and piles of bodies. "We went with Yzak and another pilot, Dupre, to the colony to investigate if anything was going on there. I'm sure you already know the details."

Lacus nodded. "Yes. Commander Jule sent us quite a comprehensive report." She paused, a troubled look on her face. "The Supreme Council is very upset. Not only they have no knowledge of this colony being inhabited, there is actually someone bold enough to commit this atrocity. It's... unthinkable."

Kira bit his lips in silence. It was just like four years ago, the helplessness, frustration, anger that humans did not learn from their mistake. It felt like everything they had done was in vain. Nothing changed. No one changed. They were building sand castles which fell, disintegrated at the first wave washing on the shore, a dream in an ugly, mismatched reality.

Not for the first time he wished he could simply turn and walk away.

"What is PLANT going to do next?" he finally asked.

"For now a full and thorough investigation is in order. They will open the matter to the world in hope there will be aid or at least information regarding this terrible incident. That is why I am here. PLANT needs help in the state they are in now."

A moment later Lacus spoke again, her voice hesitant, "Kira, do you suspect anyone?"

It was probably the momentary pause – or the question itself – because he found himself looking at her fully and somberly. "No, I cannot say I do. Most of the victims are Caucasians but there is no indication of exact origin. All files in all computers have been deleted and the storage room was located in the south wing where the explosion took place. There are equipments with their company's name on it but it isn't guaranteed a veritable proof. Still, it may be a start point. We can trace it back to the companies to find out who the buyer was."

"Yes, it may be a start," she agreed with a thoughtful nod. "It will be a lot of extra work for the Jule squad. By the way the Council has agreed to assign another team to help with the investigation."

Kira raised his eyebrows. "You will have to talk to Yzak about that, although I'm not sure he will be pleased."

It touched a little smile to Lacus's lips. "I shall, as soon as possible."

He smiled back. There was something in Lacus's smiles, a sort of charm that could bewitch Coordinators and Naturals alike and he certainly was not immune to it. In the past, he had almost misinterpreted the attraction as love, but when he stayed at Athrun's side after Archangel had found a ZAKU with him and Meyrin in it, anxiety clamping its cold unfriendly fingers around his heart, he knew that there was one person he would protect to the world's end and beyond. Lacus had been nothing but supportive and he really appreciated it. Their not-quite-a-relationship withered, fading, growing into a warm friendship Kira held close in his heart and knew he would never let go till his dying days.

They had never talked about it. It simply faded.

"Thank you for coming, Lacus," he said softly, meaning every word of it.

"It means as much to me, Kira," she answered, her smile brightening for a moment before losing its cheerfulness a second after. He could sense her distress when she spoke again. "It didn't cross my mind even once that there is still so much hate, strong enough to force someone committing this appalling crime. After all the trust the people put in me, I have failed in my duty."

"None of us can stop this, Lacus," he said quickly. The last thing he wanted to see right now was to see his friend blaming herself. "It definitely isn't your fault, but at least it can serve as a reminder for us to be more careful in the future."

Her eyes were locked with his and she still looked unconvinced but the subject was let pass. Instead, she asked, "Does Cagalli know?"

Kira nodded. "Yes, I have told her. I am originally here as a general of ORB after all, but I've asked Yzak's permission."

"I should say it is a wise thing to do," she approved.

"It cannot hurt to play safe," he gave her a little smile, bland though it was, "especially now when ORB no longer holds so much credibility to the world's eyes. Anyway, I have to return to ORB in two days."

"You have your duties," Lacus nodded in understanding but he could see her hands holding her purse with more intensity than necessary. Her clear blue eyes darkened and she murmured, "If only..."

She didn't continue and Kira looked away to the wall of his room, the all-too-familiar pain taunting at the edge of his consciousness. The discussion was a mask they were only too glad to wear as they continued to dance around the topic neither of them was willing to voice. He knew why Lacus came. He knew that there was no one who could understand what you felt in situations like this better than a comrade who had fought with you side-by-side in a war. He knew that there was no one who could understand what losing Athrun really meant for him better than Lacus or Cagalli.

Oh God. He used the word.

Kira buried his face in his hands, unaware that his intake of breath was shaky or that Lacus was looking at him with worried eyes. He was not losing Athrun, was what he had constantly whispered to himself in the last few days. He was still out there somewhere, Kira just knew it. The thought of him dying was ridiculous, impossible, irrational. His best friend and lover was still alive and he was not losing him.

Athrun couldn't die. Kira wouldn't let him.

Cagalli said that he was a dreamer. It was probably right, Kira reflected bitterly. At least it could explain why he continued to believe – or forced himself to continue to believe – what others would have abandoned long ago.

Did he believe that Athrun could survive with a small tank of oxygen for two weeks?

No, he didn't.

But there were always other possibilities, like he could end up in a colony or even on earth although those possibilities were pretty small. It was always the argument which would follow every time the question turned up. Or that Athrun was too stubborn to die that easily and Kira would accept no other explanation except that his boyfriend was still alive. Athrun hadn't said goodbye to him. He hadn't even felt anything prior to the incident and until now, there was only a dull pain crawling in his heart, reminding him that the person he loved the most was not by his side.

No, he didn't believe that Athrun had died either.

"I brought you something," Lacus's soft voice suddenly break the silence. He looked up as she took out something from her purse, her movement careful as if she was afraid to hurt whatever inside. His eyes widened in surprise when she put onto his hand a small yellow-green Haro, very small that he could balance it easily on two fingers. The little robot stared at him with a pair of innocent eyes and he felt the dull pain sharpening into something much more defined, something familiar which he would rather forget.

"Lime-chan could talk and move once, but I guess he just ran out of battery and I have not gotten the chance to ask him to repair him," she spoke again, the note of gentleness still there tinting her words. "You know I have so many of them. He always gave me one Haro on my birthday, he said to accompany the lonely present inside the box. Since he is quite small, I think you will have no difficulty to have him around, Kira. You know, just as some kind of lucky charm."

Kira was only listening absentmindedly to her as he continued to stare at the small object in her hand, the little weight a burden almost too heavy for him in his memories-ambushed state. He remembered Torii, alone on the desk in his bedroom in ORB, currently in the same state Lime-chan was. There had been times during his stay in space when he had regretted his forgetfulness to bring the robotic bird with him. Even if it could no longer talk and soothe him, it could remind him of Athrun, giving him a flicker of hope always.

Athrun.

"Do you think he'll make me another one when he returns?" he asked quietly, his voice thin and betraying everything he felt inside.

"Oh, Kira."

It was there in her eyes, he realized with a sinking feeling as she squeezed his hands, her fingers trembling slightly, her blue eyes glazed with unshed tears. She was letting go of that hope, probably not completely yet but there were signs of it. Maybe it wouldn't be long, the day when he would stand alone, hoping against hope that someone he really, really loved was still there and would smile at him again.

When he reached out and held Lacus quietly in his arms, the first sobs falling out from her parted lips, Kira felt like he wanted to cry too.

But he couldn't.

He found out why half-an-hour later, when the door had been closed behind her and he sank to the floor, his arms wrapping around his chest tightly to quell the pain, and he found himself alone, separated from the world, only accompanied by the soft drone of the ship's main engine and his bottomless sadness.

His heart ached, his eyes stung, but no tears came out.

He had forgotten how to cry.

End Chapter Twelve

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Notes: Argh, I don't really like how the chapter turned out but I need to write this about him. For those who feel that I suppress Kira's feelings, it was deliberate. It's some kind of internal battle and Kira, with his attitude and responsibilities, of course undergoes a lot of internal battles. This is from his point of view, so I want to bring up that feeling of him deceiving himself. Anyway, there will be more about Kira's feelings in the next chapter and we'll be back at ORB. Thanks for reading and please review.