Title: Crossfire

Author: Jusrecht

See Warnings and Disclaimers in the first chapter. As for this chapter, there are a lot of angst and crying and angst and more crying and more angst… You get the picture. Oh, and an unhealthy portion of mush (and possibly saccharine, unbearably romantic phrases that may make you cringe too) is also included.

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Chapter Nineteen: Kira – Zero-Sum

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Kira didn't know how long he had stayed here, staring at his bedroom ceiling without seeing anything. Everything around him was quiet and the sky had grown dark, faint light coming from outside casting a mellow glow at the window. He didn't know what to do anymore. He just feel… tired.

There were tears in his eyes but they wouldn't fall. In his hand was the yellow-green Haro Lacus had given him, the one he had carried around in his pocket for days. Now it just lay there, cradled by fingers that didn't know how to move anymore. His mind was blank and everything felt dead to him.

Dead.

The last thing he remembered was him shouting at Mwu-san to confirm the news of the plane accident, because it was impossible. Athrun should have come back to him, should have smiled at him again, should have held and kissed him and made whispered promises to him that he wouldn't let him feel like this anymore. And then he ran, away from the broken sympathy in the older man's voice and the hollow look on his sister's face, and since then, there had been only memories of his lover's smiles and the feel of his heart breaking.

Weeks ago, he had managed to force himself into believing that Athrun was still alive. This time, he knew that he had lost.

How was this possible?

Kira shut his eyes and felt the tears, and the burning pain in his chest. He knew that he shouldn't wish for death, that he should be stronger, but right now he hardly cared anymore. Something, anything to make this pain stop...

"Kira."

His breath hitched at the sound of Cagalli's voice, small, almost afraid. He lay still and only opened his eyes when her footsteps echoed in the room. She stopped at the bedside with a final hesitant step, looking worse for wear, but remained silent for a long time, probably searching for words he knew she couldn't find. Kira only gazed up blankly at her, knowing what she came for with the steaming mugs in her hands.

"You haven't eaten anything since yesterday," she finally said, but then bit her lips in an evident loss for words. Kira didn't know what kind of picture he was painting, but from the look on her face, it obviously wasn't good.

She didn't look much better either. Her exhaustion was clear, etched on her face and in the way her shoulders sagged against wrinkled uniform, but above all, it was the grief in her eyes that really caught him. A familiar stab of pain shot through him. They had had one week of nothing else but joy and bliss – because even the cold-blooded slaughter of 417 lives was unable to put a damp on them at the revelation that Athrun was alive. They had been certain that everything would be okay once he had returned.

And suddenly, this.

It might be pity, or sympathy that eventually made him move. He felt nothing for himself, but his sister's pitiful state made him wonder, even though just for a flash of a second, if he should do something for her.

And so he did. Cagalli looked relieved when he sat up and crossed his legs slowly. She tried to smile, but it was a poor attempt and she quickly covered it by handing him one of the mugs.

"Come on, drink it," she urged him softly as she sat down next to him.

Kira dutifully took the mug but only stared at it, not touching its content. Chocolate milk, a part of his mind supplied as a sweet smell wafted to his nose. The warmth felt strange between his fingers, piercing deep into numb muscles, but not exactly unwelcome. It… somehow it made him feel again.

Cagalli remained silent, only sitting at the edge of the bed and sipping her own drink without a word, as if waiting for him to open a conversation. Which was ridiculous. Kira preferred silence to any painfully awkward chat to cheer him up, so he let it linger. He really didn't want to talk about anything. He didn't want her here. He didn't want anything else but…

But it went on and on. Long soundless minutes, possibly hours, passed without as much as a hum, only spoiled occasionally by her small swallowing. Silence was very unbecoming on Cagalli, Kira realized and finally looked at her, tired at this game.

"Why are you here?"

She was startled by his sudden question and stuttered, "I… I just… no, I mean…"

Her voice wavered and completely disappeared a second later. Whatever answer she had properly rehearsed before seemed to have deserted her. Kira only stared, vaguely thinking why his sister was so strange. This was unlike her at all. Cagalli would abruptly ask how he was feeling and then pulled him into her arms and patted him on the back. Which would be useless. There were problems in this world that couldn't be resolved by a hug and a pat and he wanted to show her that.

"I want to be here, Kira," she whispered, her voice steady enough although thickly painted by worry. "At your side. I've never been there for you much. I've never listened, never tried to get to you, and I…"

The rest of her words were swallowed by a sharp intake of breath. She was furiously biting her lips and the sight only trickled more pain into the throbbing bundle inside his chest. Kira closed his eyes. He wanted it to stop.

"You have your duties," he said automatically, unable to think anymore. It didn't matter anyway. Whether Cagalli was here or not, Athrun would still be dead.

"Kira…"

"He's dead, right?" he murmured, half-speaking to himself. "I should have been able to accept that by now."

"Kira," her voice was a little firmer this time but he didn't react. Cagalli sighed and took his mug away from his hand so she could sit closer. Kira almost cringed when a gentle hand touched his shoulder.

"It's okay, you know?" she said quietly. "To cry if you want to."

He looked at her again and snorted. "What for?"

A flash of pain flitted across her face, but Cagalli chose to ignore this question. "You cannot show weakness when you're in that uniform," she said, a bitter smile on her lips when she quoted the words he had said to her many years ago. "But Kira, you're only with me now and I'm your sister and… and I know how much you love him. So it's all right for you to be sad. And to cry."

"What for?" he repeated, now beyond caring that his voice had suddenly become cold.

"If it can make you feel a little better–"

"I don't want to feel better," he snapped at her, feeling irrationally angry. She didn't understand. What did she know? She never had anyone she loved this much dying in front of her eyes….

"I'm here," she whispered, on her face a sharp, heartrending smile that slapped him on the face. Because she knew how it felt. She had seen her father, the only family she had known in her entire life, commit suicide to defend what he believed. And she couldn't do anything.

Cagalli took his hand in hers, not breaking their gaze. "I know you feel like you want to die," she continued with a steadier voice. "It's horrible, and painful and… I feel it too, you know. He's also my friend. Maybe I'm not as close to him as you are, and maybe I don't mean as much as Athrun to you, but…"

That wasn't it, Kira wanted to scream. His twin didn't mean less to him than Athrun did. He didn't want to hear her speaking like that. He didn't want to…

"Don't torment yourself, Kira," her voice was soft and her smile was painful. "You know that I'll always be here at your side, right?"

She slipped an arm around his shoulder and he broke down completely. Something exploded within him and like an old tree which had finally succumbed to the howling storm, he cried. He screamed a lot of things, disjointed words that echoed his pain and loss and denial. Kira didn't know that he could bear that much agony. His breathing was coming in rags and there were times when he couldn't breathe at all. He wanted to let it be. He wanted to die. But Cagalli held him, whispering sweet nothings in his ears as he cried and cried and cried.

"I cannot... no, I cannot lose him... please, Cagalli, I cannot lose him... I would rather die... I..."

There were faint sobs coming from her own mouth, but she said nothing, only holding him tightly in her trembling arms. Her hand moved rhythmically across his back, soothing him as he continued to cry, his tears dampening her uniform, his fingers clutching her back because this was the only anchor he could latch on to, the only thing solid in his world right now.

And she stayed there. She didn't disappear.

It felt like centuries before his crying subsided. He kept holding on to Cagalli. His eyes hurt, his head hurt, and his chest hurt. Nothing had changed, he realized, but his sister was there, real, breathing alongside him. Her fingers were still caressing his back, loving, reassuring.

Cagalli… Cagalli…

He remembered the things he had said, the things he had made her say, and his chest constricted painfully. How could he? She loved him. She didn't mind to degrade herself for his sakes. She wanted to understand. She wanted to help.

And Kira wanted to cry again.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, so faintly that it was almost inaudible.

"For what?"

"I don't know. For everything. I'm just sorry."

"Do you hear anyone blaming you?" she said gently, her voice making a pleasant hum in his ear. "Kira, you're the one who got hurt the most here. You were upset. I don't see anything you should be sorry about."

Kira bit his lips and stared blankly at the white fabric that hid his face. "I'm sorry for abandoning my duties. I should be helping you but–"

"Did you even listen to me?" she cut him, bits of impatience starting to leak into her voice. "If you didn't, just shut up. I don't want to hear another 'sorry' from you again."

Kira almost, almost smiled. He buried his face even deeper and murmured, "I love you, Cagalli."

There was only a sniffling sound answering to his declaration and the arms around him were tightening. Kira thought about Athrun and felt tears prickling his eyes again. He still couldn't accept this. He would have to make sure again, because who knows, who knows…

A sharp ringing sound interrupted his wishful thinking. The phone on his bedside table, he thought but didn't move to get it. After the second ring, Cagalli reached for the receiver without letting him go and answered brusquely, "Yes, who is this?"

An indistinct female voice replied from the other side of the line. Kira closed his eyes and concentrated on the feel of his sister's breathing. Just for a moment, he didn't want to deal with anything else but the fact that he was here with her. He wanted to pretend that the outside world didn't exist.

Cagalli seemed to agree. "No, he isn't accepting any call right now."

More mutters rose from the other side, but she cut them short. "I don't care if it's important," she snapped to the line. "He is not accepting any call right now. Tell whoever it is to call back tomorrow." She paused for a second before suddenly asking, "Wait, did the caller give a name?"

There was a moment of silence, and then more muttering. Kira could feel the tension which ran through Cagalli's body at the answer she got, and opened his eyes slowly.

"All right, wait a moment."

He straightened up and met her nervous gaze. "Kira, it's Sai," she told him, holding the phone close to her chest. "Do you want to talk to him?"

A sudden fear ambushed him from out of nowhere. He stared at the receiver, knowing what would come from the line once he put it to his ear, and forced himself to nod. It was not Sai's fault. His intention was to help, and whatever had happened... Kira bit his lips and took the phone, murmuring a weak 'hello'. He was unsurprised to hear his hoarse and shaky voice and was even more unsurprised to find that he didn't care.

"Kira."

He froze.

Impossible.

Completely impossible. He must be hallucinating.

"Kira?"

The second time his name was called, he felt like he was suddenly falling. His mind turned into a tableau of chaos, buzzing and screaming and all sort of noises clashing in his head, and his whole body was trembling so badly that the phone almost slipped from his fingers. He hardly even felt Cagalli's concerned hand on his shoulder.

"Athrun," he breathed out shakily, wishing that the name did not feel so good on his tongue. If this was a trick, a cruel heartless joke…

A pause, and then the same gentle voice answered, "Yes."

"Why… how…?"

"I didn't board the plane. Got caught in the traffic. It had taken off when I arrived."

Everything in front of him dissolved into a mosaic of colours. Kira stifled a sob and whispered, "I'm dreaming."

There was a thin chuckle from the other side of the line and Athrun's voice was even softer when he spoke, "Would you like this to be a dream?"

"No, I…" Kira knew he was crying because his voice cracked everywhere. "Gods, no. Please."

"You're crying again."

"I will scream and wail if it brings you back to me," he said fiercely although it was torn by wrecked edges of sobs and aching laughter. "Where are you?"

"Not here, this is an insecure line," Athrun's voice held a warning tone in it and Kira clammed up immediately, silently cursing himself that he hadn't paid attention that one detail.

"Right, I'm sorry."

There was a longer pause and he pressed the receiver closer to his ear, hoping that he could hear – feel – his lover's breathing. Athrun was alive. All was not lost. He could still meet him, love him, touch, him, kiss him…

"I'm sorry."

Kira laughed quietly, wishing that he could stop the tears falling from his eyes. "You should. You're making everyone worried."

"Yes, I know, that's why I apologize," Athrun sounded guilty, but the poised note which had always underlined his voice was still there. Kira realized that it was what he had missed in these few past weeks, the conviction that he would always have someone he could trust and depend on. Cagalli would be there, Lacus would be there, but it wouldn't be the same because Athrun was this other part of him that he simply couldn't live without.

"I can't stay too long," Athrun spoke again, more hurriedly this time. "I'll call you again, Kira. And say hi to Cagalli from me."

"Yeah. Am I going to see you soon?" Please say my name again.

He could almost picture Athrun gripping the phone tightly, the etchings of shadows beneath his closed eyes, and the expression on his face which all but shouted every word he desperately kept inside. "Very soon, Kira," he replied tightly. "I promise."

And the line went dead with a definite click. Kira was still for a long moment, listening to the silence around him and thinking how it felt different, no longer dead but calm. Like the quietness after a storm.

Athrun was alive.

Cagalli was already clasping his arm forcefully by the time he let the phone slide from his hand to the bed. "It's him?" she demanded with a strangled voice, shaking him impatiently. "Really him?"

"Yes."

"I don't believe it," she whispered and Kira read the same fear in her eyes which had overrun his heart not so long ago. "And you're sure? I mean, you're absolutely sure?"

He felt the beginning of a smile spreading over his face. "After sleeping with him for a few years, and not to mention being his best friend for fifteen years, I think I know how to recognize his voice, Cagalli."

Her responding laughs sounded thin and shaky, but her smile was genuine. "I'm glad, Kira," she reached for his hand and squeezed it gently. "I'm so glad."

"Yes," he murmured and looked down as his sight started to blur again. After all the tears he had spilled in the last few minutes, how he could still have some stock left to waste once more was beyond him.

"You're turning back into a crybaby," his twin pointed out but looked like she was about to cry herself.

"Do I look like I care?" he chuckled. "He's alive, Cagalli. Athrun's alive."

Her smile was bright, brighter than he had ever seen in years and Kira realized that it was him who put it there. His chest tightened with overflowing happiness and he took her into his arms, muffling her surprised gasp in his shoulder.

"Thank you," he said softly, "thank you so much for everything, Cagalli. Thank you for staying here even when I yelled and pushed you away. You don't know how much it meant for me."

She made a choking sound in her throat and put her arms around him. "You can give me back ten years of my age that I've lost in these two days," she replied with a quivering voice. Kira laughed.

"You should ask Athrun that. He was the one who did all the surprises."

Cagalli sighed against him and murmured, "I will."

"But I'll make you some dinner. How's that?"

"… not enough."

"With desserts?"

There was no response.

"Cagalli?"

Again, she didn't respond. Kira withdrew a little and that was when he noticed that his sister had become limp against him. Her head lolled forward, forehead touching his shoulder and her blonde hair wild in front of his face. Starting to feel anxious, he turned her around in his arm and saw that her face was pale and even her lips were almost white. He felt the frail happiness he had just built collapsing around him again.

"Cagalli, what happened?" he whispered in panic, barely noticing that his twin was not the only one shaking. Her skin felt cold under his hand but she was sweating profusely and her breathing was coming in short, pained gasps.

Hazy golden eyes cracked open slightly at his urgent tone and tried to focus on him. Her lips moved weakly and Kira leant in closer, but his sister couldn't even form any word. It took her a few more attempts to finally scrape enough strength to speak.

"Feel…awful," her voice was so faint that he almost couldn't make out the words. "Too tired maybe…"

She drew in a shuddering breath, her eyes closing again, and went completely still.

Kira felt his heart cease from beating. He couldn't move, couldn't do anything, only staring at her hand lying lifeless on her lap. But when he caught the sight of blood trickling from the edge of her lips, he knew that it had happened again.

They were not done.

End Chapter Nineteen

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Notes: Yep, that's true. I have a cruel streak.

I'm not sure if I've managed to do Kira well here. His parts are always difficult to write. What happened to Cagalli? Well, that's for the next chapter. Anyway, thank you for reading and please review, because I think Kira will need every encouragement he can get right now XD

As for the update on Anonymity, I'm in the process of finishing the fifth chapter, but since I tend to sprout a-mile-long chapters for that fic, it's going to take some time. If nothing happens though, I should be able to post it in a week or two.