Mercy Day - Part 4
His master turned away from them, silently got up and handed him his robe. Obi-Wan took it, found the sleeves in the folds of fabric and put it on, lifting the hood up over his head. Qui-Gon's face was expressionless and Obi-Wan couldn't possibly fathom what he was thinking and thankfully he couldn't really find the energy in himself to wonder about it. Qui-Gon put the hood of his robe on as well and they left together.
Qui-Gon said nothing as they made their way back to the transport area. His Padawan was quite thoroughly miserable. He'd witnessed some of it, but he refused to speculate about the rest; he would not add his own prejudices to Obi-Wan's obvious pain. Obi-Wan would have to find his own words to tell him and a crowded promenade was not a good place for such a conversation.
Knots of people, many of them with small children, gathered around the platform, waiting for the next transport; it apparently went to several compounds, once of which was the Tilplens's. Soon one arrived and they got on. Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan sat by themselves. No one seemed to want to sit near the two robed and hooded passengers. One little girl repeatedly asked her father in a high pitched voice why they couldn't stay while a mother tried to shush a squalling infant.
"Qui-Gon," Obi-Wan said very quietly. Qui-Gon turned to head, but Obi-Wan continued to stare straight ahead, his face hidden in the brown hood. There was a long pause. The baby wailing got louder in the car.
"I think I am in need of your guidance, Master," he finally finished.
"Ah." Qui-Gon settled back in his seat. Now it was his turn to search for the right words. "I can only offer what I know and what I have done." Unfortunately, Qui-Gon regretted that he had more to say about what NOT to do than any real wisdom. But Obi-Wan seemed reassured by this.
Their transport slowed and then stopped at the compound platform. They waited for all the other passengers to leave first before climbing out. But instead of going into the warm entry building, they strolled out onto a darkened path amidst the snow and squat dark shapes of trees and shrubs.
Obi-Wan told him what happened. Or rather, what DIDN'T happen. Qui-Gon privately marveled that Obi-Wan had managed to fall into all the embarrassment and awkwardness of a youthful encounter without actually having done anything. But his story gave him only facts; it lacked substance.
"You haven't told me how you feel, Obi-Wan." There was a long pause in the darkness.
"I don't know what I feel, Master."
"Do you regret what happened?"
"I...I think I should have done better."
But 'better' was a relative term and Qui-Gon questioned him about it as their footsteps crunched on the frozen path. Obi-Wan took some time to circle around the shame and deception, but Qui-Gon was very proud to sense no anger or bitterness. But there was a lot of self-doubt and worry.
"You think that you were wrong to respond to the girl yourself?"
There was a long pause. "I think it would have been wrong for me to use her." He hadn't answered the question and Qui-Gon pressed him on it.
"I...I do wonder, Master. I know things but...I don't think it's enough," he admitted. But Obi-Wan then asked the question that Qui-Gon knew was inevitable. "Have you ever had physical relations with another person, Master?" Qui-Gon sighed and glanced up at the starry sky above the edge of his hood.
"Yes." He sensed only mild surprise from Obi-Wan, but his Padawan stopped walking when he continued. "Several times." The first time, he'd been much older than Obi-Wan was now, a Jedi Knight, not just a Padawan. And he'd caused much more damage among many more people. He certainly hoped that the telling of this story for Obi-Wan was worth the pain of his having gone through it. He kept walking as he began and Obi-Wan hastened to catch up.
"You have noticed that it is easier to influence someone who might be attracted to you." This was not a question.
"Yes, Master," Obi-Wan answered quietly.
"One of the perils to beware of is how much you might be influenced by the other person."
He tried to keep it short, but there were many complications. He'd been captured by slavers, a young Jedi overcome by their numbers. They'd trussed him up with shielded shackles in a sealed room while they'd argued about what to do with him. One of their lackeys had helped herself to the key to slip in and check him out. Her interests were purely carnal and he'd felt no guilt at all, then or now, about using that his advantage. They'd barely gotten to the perimeter of the outpost when an alarm had gone up about an attack from rival criminals and they'd taken refuge in a sub-basement until the excitement died down.
She'd been much older than he, pretty and very fit with a deceptively dainty voice. And he'd found then that it was much easier to get her to betray her comrades than it was to turn aside her lust. And she was very experienced. And he wasn't.
There was a long pause. Obi-Wan had questions. He answered them. Where had he been? Where had she? What did she say? When did he decide? What did she touch? What did he do? How? And how long? He answered and noted again that his Padawan was focusing on physical details, not his feelings. Again, Obi-Wan confessed, he didn't know what they were.
"At first I denied what I felt, rejected it," he continued. "How very much I enjoyed the moment, desired it, immersing myself so completely in it with this woman." He turned his head to his Padawan, a darker, blacker blob in the blackness around them. "Even if you don't recognize what it is, never deny what you feel, Obi-Wan."
His liaison had involved his mission, delayed him when it shouldn't have. Nobody was put at risk in the end, but the woman had tried to kill him when he and two other Jedi Knights had sprung a trap on the slavers and she'd made sure that their intimacy became spectacularly public, in loud, declarative detail. There was a inquiry, with only a reprimand resulting from it. But the cascade of advice and warnings that had fallen on him afterward had ranged from sage to impractical to completely ridiculous. Master Yoda, he pointed out, was wise but still eight-hundred years old and would only advise meditation. It was Master Silanza who had guided him toward his own answer.
"How?" Obi-Wan asked.
"By showing me." He sighed, their slow, quiet footsteps on the frozen gravel path the only sound around them. He smiled at the shock he sensed next to him. "Intimacy is not forbidden by the Code, Obi-Wan. Attachments are. At least, that is the usual excuse.
"But a necessary one. For me. It was exhilarating. I'd never felt so much a part of the moment before. So much so, that I had completely lost the moment, my connection to my surroundings, even the Force. Master Silanza was strong with the Living Force and...showed me how to acknowledge my true feelings. And while I suppose the physical sensation is always available, I have not felt such exquisite pleasure of losing myself so completely since then."
"You sound sad. Do you regret that?"
"No." He smiled in the dark. "I prefer to be in control. But even as you gain control, you still give something up." Obi-Wan seemed to have no more questions after that and Qui-Gon didn't add anything more. He was beginning to lecture. And this was the worst possible subject to lecture about. He knew there would be more conversations like this in the future.
For now, Obi-Wan solemnly absorbed what he'd said, but Qui-Gon knew that much of it was still academic for him now. He'd barely internalized that evening's debacle.
Qui-Gon's boot slid out from under him on a suddenly slick, icy patch. Instantly he knew that he could not regain his footing and could only fall as well as possible. The bank by the path was somewhere between fluffy snow and hardened ice pack and his body made a huge, deep indentation in it.
Qui-Gon looked up. It was really a very beautiful, cloudless starry night. Bits of ice and snow trickled down on his face, into his beard, cold dribbling on his neck and into his collar. Obi-Wan's dark shape leaned over him to help him up. Perhaps, Qui-Gon hoped as he took Obi-Wan's hand, they had done enough personal introspection for now, and they could go back to the lesson about awareness of surroundings that he'd thought he would be teaching.
Qui-Gon woke to a soft whirring sound barely audible under the loud snoring on the other side of the bed. Something was different.
The room was dark with only starlight coming through the windows. Qui-Gon lifted his head and turned. The droid, its eye sockets glowing gold, was returning their clothes. It laid the folded laundry on the table and left. Lazmat's snoring and Edi's heavy breathing continued undisturbed. He didn't know how long he'd been asleep but he felt rested. Day would not come for many hours yet.
The Bovadi day-night cycle was as long as two days on many other worlds, which was why he hadn't expected to get stranded by the holiday. It was already so long he hadn't thought that it would be extended. He sighed. He'd underestimated the colonists' enthusiasm for holidays.
He reached up and turned the lantern on to low power. The droid have given them lanterns when they'd returned to the compound and he'd put his in the corner of the sleeping platform with his and Obi-Wans' lightsabers when they'd retired. The room was just as chilly as he'd predicted though he didn't see any ice on the inside of the window. He pushed the blankets back. None of the padded body pockets they'd found in the jumble on the sleeping platform were long enough for him so he'd supplemented it with rugs and blankets on top. Obi-Wan stirred next to him, but the Urms slept on. Since Zolets and Zonims saw in the infrared light range it was never truly dark for them anyway. And the Urms had been somewhat inebriated when they'd returned, waking both of them. The Jedi had feinted sleep while Edi and his aunt stumbled about and shushed each other to be quiet, before falling into bed fully clothed. There was really no reason to deal with drunk people if one didn't have to.
Obi-Wan stared down at a lump lying across his stomach; the end of Edi's snout poked out from under a blanket. Qui-Gon smiled. When thrown together, the species with the higher body temperature tended to get more company. Which was why he'd chosen a spot next to wall and let his Padawan deal with the hazards of the middle.
Qui-Gon slipped out of the sleeping pocket and accepted the cold for what it was. He could just see the puff of his own breath in the air. He picked up the lantern and got up. He extended his hand and his lightsaber flew to his palm. Obi-Wan did the same. And after carefully sliding out from under Edi, Obi-Wan followed him to the table. They both wore only long nightshirts from their travel packs, warm enough the night, but the floor was cold on their feet, even through their socks. Their clothes sat neatly folded, next to their boots and belts, Obi-Wan's lantern and their survival packs, but they were mixed together so they had to sort it before going on to the lavatory at the end of the hall. Even though Mama-Low had claimed it was small, there was enough space for them to use the room together, taking turns with the facilities and the bath. Once dressed, they took their lanterns and went downstairs to the morning dining hall.
It wasn't too early and they saw several others eating as well. Some younger children openly stared at them. Qui-Gon had thought about not bringing the lanterns as a test for Obi-Wan, but the Force was good for avoiding obstacles, but not for reading expressions on people's faces. And they were guests and would be expected to have them. And Qui-Gon had another exercise in mind anyway.
A servitor droid brought them bowls of porridge and water. They would only have porridge and soft foods for the rest of the day. While Zonims and Zolets had pallets hard enough for articulate speech, they had no teeth. The porridge was mildly sweet with small, soft blobs of unidentifiable fruit in it.
They ate in companionable silence and occasionally answered a 'Happy Gyseer' greeting from some passing clan members.
"I think some meditation and exercise would do for now," Qui-Gon stated as they stood and the silvery, long-armed servitor droid slid their used dishes onto its tray. Obi-Wan nodded. The world had suddenly turned normal after last night's disaster and that would be his contemplation. They took their lanterns and found an unused room with a padded bench facing out into a empty field and the tundra beyond that, barely visible in the starlight. They turned the lanterns off and settled cross-legged on the bench.
Qui-Gon's thoughts stilled. He felt the Force around him, through him, through Obi-Wan next to him and beyond. The lantern on the bench next to him silently rose in the air. People stirred in the building above and below. Tiny creatures scurried under the snow outside. He let his senses lay stretched out around him in the Force for some time, noting only the moment without time or place. Eventually he opened his eyes. He felt the living things far out around him, much further than he normally might have for a simple, morning meditation. He glanced to his right.
Obi-Wan faced him, studying what he did with the Force. Had his Padawan noticed? This place was strong with the light side of the Force. The Force existed throughout the galaxy, waxing and waning in various places and times, but always there. But this colony was exceptional. The Force was strong in the city, but it was especially so at the compound.
It was so easy to note only the presence of danger and darkness and take life and the light for granted. Qui-Gon wanted Obi-Wan to see it on his own; it would mean much more as a discovery than if he just told him. But the previous night's anguish was still too much of a distraction for him to see the larger perspective. Qui-Gon exhaled. The lantern settle back down on the bench and he unfolded his legs. It could not be avoided for now, but he would guide his Padawan toward it as well as he could.
Obi-Wan got up with his master, who picked up his lantern, but did not turn it on. Obi-Wan noticed and did the same. He followed Qui-Gon outside.
Pimas readjusted the blanket around his shoulders and looked down at the spectacle in the field at the back of the service wing. Mama-Low had told everyone that he was in charge of the guests and now it seemed he was. His bond-sister had gotten him up to tell him that the Jedi were fighting. Blue and green lightsabers clashed and circled each other. Their heavy robes concealed most of their body glow, but he saw glimpses of their hands and faces as they dove and lunged.
They were obviously just practicing. At one point they stopped, the older one jumped high, flipping over in the air and landing neatly on his feet. Then he pointed and the young one to did it a few times while he watched. Then they went back to fighting with the lightsabers again. Pimas could see why only Jedi used them. Surely Jedi had to have some kind of special powers just to not accidently take their own fingers off with weapons like that. Or perhaps they had some kind of safety device on them for practice to prevent accidents? He didn't know. Or really care.
It was fascinating to watch. Which was the problem. They'd been at it for awhile and they were starting to attract a crowd inside as more people got up. But to Pimas's great relief the lightsabers went out and they walked off, saving him from having to get dressed. He watched them walk off, just to make sure they were done fighting. It looked like they were heading out of the compound. He yawned and turned to go back to a bed. He knew that they were competent in the cold weather. He'd find them later and prevail on them to be less conspicuous.
Obi-Wan walked down the narrow ice path. Qui-Gon followed. They were going to the Nebo-Sun constabulary to check on their prisoner; the sherif had scanned them, given them passkey cards and introduced them to the guard droids and her deputies. They were at liberty to come and go, so long as they minded the droids and her staff.
They'd taken their gloves from their belt pouches and put them on against the cold and pulled their hoods up over their faces. The path was unlit and with only starlight above, almost completely black in shadow. They still carried the lanterns, unlit.
Qui-Gon hadn't asked Obi-Wan if he remembered the way back to the constabulary tower. He'd simply invited him to lead. Obi-Wan had prepared for something like this, laying aside his dwellings on the previous night; he knew he would do more of that later. But now he would focus on his task as he led the way. After some time, he saw a patch of faint gray light on the ground and he lifted the hood of his robe. They were close. The constabulary was in the city which was lit for multiple species. Obi-Wan expected no praise for his success, but he sensed his master's satisfaction as they walked up to the ground level, crossed the street, nearly devoid of traffic, and presented their cards to the sentry droid at the gate. They took off their hoods so they could be scanned and then followed a guard droid inside. The prison was on the upper levels of the building.
They exited an elevator into a gleaming silver hallway and their escort handed them off to a weary looking deputy in a wrinkled black and purple uniform behind a high, encircling desk. There was a lot more noise and activity than they expected, especially with the city so quiet outside. The deputy explained that they had quite a few Gyseer-eve party-goers who had made an extra effort to make sure that they would have something to confess to. It was a regular side-effect of the holiday. Most of them would be let go to their families. Members of the clans of the more serious offenders would be brought in for their atonement, if they asked for it. A security droid checked them in and put their lanterns behind the desk. It didn't ask for their lightsabers, but instead asked them to confirm verbally that they had them.
"I wish we had more prisoners like yours," the deputy told them as they passed another deputy leading an angry-looking Zonim in binders. They passed many windows into cells and quite a number of them were occupied with one of more prisoners. They stopped at a wide window into a large silver-metal cell. The ice block containing Nule Radeel rested on a deactivated anti-grav on the floor. Qui-Gon asked to be let inside. She shrugged, but passed her keycard through the lock. They entered.
"There he is. Hasn't gone anywhere," the deputy announced.
"Thank you," Qui-Gon replied. "We would like to stay for a bit."
The deputy looked confused, scratching her hairless blue head. "Uh, I suppose. If you want. Do you want a terminal, a recorder, something to write on?" she asked, trying to make sense of the odd request.
"No, thank-you. We will be fine," Qui-Gon assured her.
"Um, I have to lock the door," she continued.
Qui-Gon nodded. "That will be fine." She hastily used her keycard to activate the comlink by the door. "Just call when you need to be let out." The door locked firmly behind her.
- end Part 4