The Green M & M's

Another sweltering night hit my fur hard, refusing to let me get any sleep. So I figured I'd stay up with a bowl of water and a rare steak. After reading the full collection of the galaxy's research on werewolves I was no nearer to Zeebub and understood little more than I had done before, but I was tired enough to sleep. Trouble is, it was morning by then and I had to get to the office. I was spending too much time looking for the hornéd one and I was running out of cash, fast. With any luck someone would come by with a job for me.

After spending a morning pretending to work and obsessing over Jahna, I met a pair of twins who made me forget about her for the first time in a while. I was following a rotating fan with my face when the gals strolled in, and I very quickly moved my head back. I might have gotten away without looking dumb, or they might have been acting polite.

They confused me right off the bat. I didn't know which to notice first – the crazy, matching costumes they had on or just how gorgeous they were. Or at least, one of them. Truth be told, her sister wasn't exactly an oil painting, but she wasn't bad. She was a little shorter, a little bigger, had a little less green in her outfit. The other girl, the perfect-looking one, she was wearing all green. Green figure-hugging felt number, green heels, green lipstick and green eye-shadow. I've never liked green that much, but believe me, she made it work. I couldn't take my eyes off of her.

'James Bastra?' she asked.

'That's right. Call me Jim, come in, have a seat.' It was all I could do not to add 'marry me' to that list. The girls pulled up two chairs and sat down in unison, mirror images of each other. They had intricately braided black hair. It must have taken some time to put together, and I noticed their slightly-different-shade-of-green underwear was worn on the outside. I vowed to forget that fact immediately and concentrate carefully on their faces.

'Hello Jim,' the pretty one said, and I wondered if I should shake hands. I decided against it when she smiled and I started to lose feeling in my fingers. 'My name is Melsa…' she started.

'And I am Melindra' the other one said sweetly. I glanced over at her. Like I said, she wasn't ugly exactly, but she didn't compare to the vision next to her. 'We're hoping you can investigate someone for us, if you have the time.'

If I had the time? I'd do it for free if they asked. I stumbled through an answer. 'Sure, I have a little time available this week. What's your problem?'

Melsa spoke again. 'It's my boyfriend, Dan…'

Damnit.

'I'm worried he might be… being unfaithful.'

I relaxed. This was familiar territory, and now I knew she wasn't available I didn't have that to think about. I stood up and fixed myself a glass of water. The girls declined a glass, speaking in unison. I didn't know if it was creepy or cute.

'Say, that's kind of odd, the way you talk at the same time,' I said, sitting down again and resting my legs on the desk.

Melsa and Melindra smiled. 'Well,' Melindra said, 'it's a custom on our planet. We are identical twins after all.' Melsa nodded agreement.

I'm quite proud of the fact that I didn't spit out my water, because I really wanted to. Forcing myself to swallow, I looked at them both with my head to one side. They sat quietly, wondering what I didn't understand. After a while I let it go, but man, either they were deluded or Melindra was real bad at applying make-up.

Another sip. 'So tell me about Dan.'

Melsa almost smiled again. 'He lives near here actually. He's something of a local character – everybody knows him. You might have seen him around – Astronaut Dan?'

I shook my head. 'Why do you call him that?'

'Everyone does. He wears a white space suit all the time. You haven't noticed him?'

Dan sounded like the sort of guy you would notice, but the description didn't ring any bells. I asked them to go on, and Melindra continued the story on her sister's behalf.

'A few weeks ago, I spotted Dan talking to Irma the Ithroian. She's got something of a reputation, and everyone in Mos Eisley knows she has a thing for astronauts. She's always hooking up with passing spacers and that duros guy in the jumpsuit.' I began to feel left-out, not having heard any of this before. I figured I ought to keep my ear closer to the ground in future, and maybe look up Irma.

'Since then, we've both seen Dan and Irma together,' Melsa added. 'Just talking, but Dan looked really nervous when I interrupted them. He won't speak with me about it. I'm so worried.'

I could tell she was upset, and I wondered what possible reason Dan could have for cheating on this girl. I didn't know what an Ithorian was, but I guessed they must be good-looking. Melsa told me more about her problem and paid me. I didn't charge much – they'd more than paid for my services by dressing like that. I told them I'd do what I could to find some time for their case, but I knew I'd start it the same day. I had only one more job at the time, and it could wait.

They both thanked me then rose simultaneously from their chairs. They left gracefully and I pushed my face back in that fan.

Right away I got myself plugged into the holonet and did some background checks on Danny boy. I didn't learn much beside his name and address, so I hit the streets. Seemed to me I'd have an easy time looking for a man dressed like an astronaut in a desert, but it actually took a couple hours before I tracked him down. I had to relent and start asking, and a guy selling ruby bliels to kids – cute – told me he'd seen Astronaut Dan heading to a restaurant with an Ithorian woman.

The restaurant was more of a diner really, but then, nothing on Tatooine was fancy. It was small, and I had no trouble finding Dan's table. I'll admit I was disappointed when I saw Irma, but hey, maybe Dan had unusual tastes. That would explain his sideburns, at least.

Sitting myself at the next table over, I ordered and quietly listened to Dan talking and Irma making deep noises with her various throats. I'll spare you the details of the conversation, but I realised right away that they weren't having an affair. They were sat too far apart for lovers and Dan just wouldn't shut up about Melsa. Having met her I didn't blame him, but obviously these two were just friends. I thought I ought to at least talk to him, if only to justify my fee, so I waited for him to head to the bar, and followed him.

I ordered my drink right after him, to get his attention. The server seemed bored so I guessed I had some time. Now I needed to get him talking. I wasn't sure what to say without giving myself away, so I came up with a story, quick. 'Say buddy, I'm guessing you're a spacer of some sort? I need a package transported off-world in a hurry.'

'A spacer?' asked Dan, surprised. 'No. Why would you think that?'

'Uhm… well, your outfit.'

Dan looked down. 'Oh no, I always dress like this. The name's Dan, by the way. Astronaut Dan. I'm a bank teller, and the chairman of the Mos Eisley cosplay society.'

I had no idea what that meant, but at least he was friendly. 'Pleasure,' I said. 'I'm Jim.' Damn. I shouldn't have used my real name. I hoped he hadn't heard of me and changed the subject. 'Your friend's very… uh…' I glanced at Irma. Her body was squat and thick, and her head was shaped like a curled-up potato chip with eyes on either end, kind of like a hammerhead moth. 'She's very interesting.'

Luckily for Melsa, Dan didn't agree with me, but just introduced her. He pointed with his thumb behind his back and told me her name. Then he grinned the widest grin I ever saw and said, 'She's a friend of a friend. She's helping me pick a ring.'

By the amount of white teeth on show it was obvious, but I asked for appearance's sake. 'You mean an engagement ring, Dan?'

He surprised me by making that grin widen. 'That's right. It's for my girlfriend, Melsa. Everyone tells me I've got no fashion sense, so I thought Irma could help… say, wait a minute…'

Dan looked suspicious. I silently cursed.

'You're not Jim Bastra, are you?'

I had no way out of this. 'That's right.'

'I heard Mel talking to her sister about you. You're a private eye. Oh man, I knew it! She thinks I'm cheating on her!'

I sighed. This job wasn't going well. Maybe I'd gotten rusty. 'Look, Dan, once I get back to her she won't suspect you. I've been tailing you and it's obvious you're crazy about her.'

Our drinks arrived but Dan stayed with me. 'I really am,' he said, but his voice had lost all of its vigour. 'She just doesn't trust me. I can't ask her now.'

'I think she likes you a whole lot.' I meant it, although I had no idea what she saw in him. I guess all the great-looking girls prefer dumb, older men dressed up like astronauts and with crazy haircuts. He must have had a great personality, I suppose, but I sure wasn't seeing it.

'Yeah, I know she likes me. But I love her. There's a world of difference.'

Why was I talking to this guy? I was fast becoming the galaxy's first werewolf guidance counsellor, and I didn't like it. For reasons that still escape me I kept talking. It's a good thing I did.

'You think proposing is going to solve all your problems?'

'I dunno. But I think I have to do something, you know, something big before I lose her.'

I wondered why he felt he was losing her. Melsa had looked to me like she was nuts about him. I told him so, and he clearly gained hope. And then he said it.

'There was this weird guy in the street who told me we were nearly over. Kind of like he could read minds. Said he'd make her feel the same way as me if I made a deal with him.'

This time I really did spit out my drink. Quick as a flash I asked him, 'Horns? Did he have horns?'

'That's right. Said his name was Louie. Louie See'ferr I think.'

This sounded good. I pounced upon Dan and asked him every question I could think of about Louie. I got a lot out of him too. Dan's situation with Melsa was pretty similar to my old problem back home, and our mutual Son of Perdition had offered him the exact same deal that I got. The big difference is that Dan turned him down. Now I knew what that girl saw in him. He was smart.

'Dan, you've gotta think hard for me. Do you know where I can find this guy? It's very important.'

I think I may have accidentally bared my fangs, because he answered double-quick. 'Yeah! Yeah he said if I changed my mind I should see him in the cantina. He's there in the afternoons – said he was busy at nights. That's all I know.'

'Did he mention which cantina?' I had a feeling I knew.

'It's a little place – I don't think it has an official name. Most of us call it the Star Bar, cuz of all the non-humans.'

I finished my drink in a single gulp and put a hand on Astronaut Dan's padded shoulder. 'Pal, I think you and Melsa are going to work out fine. I'll go see her and tell her you're not cheating. You pick out a ring.'

He looked relieved but confused as he finally headed back to his table.

An hour and a quick call later, Melsa and Melindra sashayed back into my office, looking concerned. I was in a great mood for a change. Once I'd told them Dan wasn't up to no good, I could get rested up ready for the next afternoon. I was looking forward to it like you wouldn't believe.

I had the ladies sit down again before giving them the good news. Both of their faces became twice as beautiful when they smiled and I even got a kiss on the least hairy part of my cheek. It was from Melindra, but still appreciated. I absently wondered if she was seeing anyone as they turned around, and tried hard not to notice their exterior underwear leaving behind them.

I nearly managed it, too. You know what they say about the green M&M's, don't you? I had to wonder if that's what had happened to ol' Zeebub.