Chapter Two

Angel

With all the time that I've had on my hands lately, I've spent a good deal of it thinking about the past. The way I lived my life before I was changed into a vampire, the life I led once my soul was restored and I guess most importantly, how I've treated her in the past. I've done some terrible things in my lifetime, things that make me cringe and things that I'm ashamed of, it all changed for me when I saw her for the first time. Seeing her made me want to be a better person, to be the person I should have been all along. It was something about the way she looked, the way she radiated innocence and an inner strength that I never thought I would ever be able to have. She challenged me to be a better man and she never gave up on me, even when it would have been the easier option.

As I closed my eyes the familiar memory came back without much effort.

"I bet half the kids down there are already awake. Lying in their beds… Sneaking downstairs… Waiting for day." I said as I looked out over the cliff. The height allowing me to see everything that I was leaving behind, to take in the city one last time before the sunlight came. It wasn't that I wanted to kill myself, I thought that it was the only option if I wanted to protect her from myself, I wasn't worthy of being brought back.

"Angel, please. I need for you to get inside. There… There's only a few minutes left." She pleaded as I tried not to think about how it was going to affect her.

"I know. I can smell the sunrise long before it comes."

"I don't have time to explain this. You just have to trust me. That thing that was haunting you…"

"It wasn't haunting me. It was showing me." I cut her off. I wanted to try and make her understand.

"Showing you?" Her voice was plagued with confusion and hurt.

"What I am."

"Were." She responded.

"And ever shall be. I wanted to know why I was back. Now I do."

"You don't know. Some great evil takes credit for bringing you back and you buy it? You just give up?" Even then she fought for me, fought for us and I could hear it in her voice, the desperation for me to listen to her, to chose to live.

"I can't do it again, Buffy. I can't become a killer."

"Then fight it."

"It's too hard." She wouldn't know, she never lived the life that I had.

"Angel, please, you have to get inside." Her eyes glanced towards the horizon. I could hear the tears forming in her eyes and the knot in her throat.

"It told me to kill you. You were in the dream. You know. It told me to lose my soul in you and become a monster again." The thought of harming her again, of putting her through that kind of pain… I couldn't do it again, and I thought that killing myself was the best option, at least Angelus wouldn't be able to hurt her if I couldn't stop the evil inside of me.

"I know what it told you. What does it matter?"

"Because I wanted to! Because I want you so badly! I want to take comfort in you, and I know it'll cost me my soul, and part of me doesn't care. Look, I'm weak. I've never been anything else. It's not the demon in me that needs killing, Buffy. It's the man."

"You're weak. Everybody is. Everybody hails. Maybe this evil did bring you back, but if it did, it's because it needs you. And that means that you can hurt it. Angel, you have the power to do real good, to make amends. But if you die now, then all that you ever were was a monster. Angel, please, the sun is coming up!" Her voice had changed, somewhere between a mixture of sadness and desperation.

"Just go."

"I won't!"

"What, do you think this is simple? You think there's an easy answer? You can never understand what I've done! Now go!"

"You are not staying here. I won't let you!"

"I said LEAVE!" I was cruel, intolerably so but I thought it was the right thing to do. Her hand was now on my arm and I pulled it away just before I felt her punch. My anger grew with her inability to let go, her desperate desire to make me go back, to fight for something that I wasn't sure I would be able to. Without thinking I pushed her away and watched as she fell face down onto the hard ground. If I had a beating heart, I knew that it would have made it stop.

"Oh, my God…" I whispered, wanting go and help her.

"No! No!" She yelled causing me to take a step back.

"Am I a thing worth saving, huh? Amd I a righteous man? The world wants me gone!"

"What about me? I love you so much… And I tried to make you go away… I killed you and it didn't help. And I hate it! I hate that it's so hard… And that you can hurt me so much. I know everything that you did because you did it to me. Oh, God! I wish that I wished you were dead. I don't… I can't." She replied. She was crying now, unable to hold it in any longer.

" Buffy, please. Just this once… Let me be strong."

"Strong is fighting! It's hard, and it's painful, and it's everyday. It's what we have to do. And we can do it together. But if you're too much of a coward for that, then burn. I f I can't convince you that you belong in this world, then I don't know what I can. But do not expect me to watch. And don't expect me to mourn for you, because…" Before she could finish, the clouds filled the sky and the snow started to cover the quiet town on that Christmas morning. I should have known all along, I should have listened to her, that I needed to fight, because in the end she was right.

As my eyes opened, I looked to the wall. Right now, I knew she had no idea of what was happening, what was going on with me, if I would ever come back and watching her go through that, it was excruciatingly painful. I knew that I would be back but she didn't and putting her though that pain, it was as painful as when I learned that she had killed me the first time and everything that she had been through during that process. Watching her, through the mirror that the Oracle had given me was the purest form of torture. I knew that I had done nothing to warrant that, and that it was suppose to be a reward, but it didn't feel that way, it felt more like a burden. Do you know what it's like to watch the person you love break down? Knowing that you are so far away that you cannot do anything to help them but can only idly watch as they tear themselves apart? I know that she is the same girl that I love, that she has the fight within her but her pain is too strong, it's a feeling that I know all too much.

I took the mirror in my hands and looked down at the reflective glass. There was the picture of a quiet ocean sunset. There wasn't anyone around, and I realized almost immediately that it was the same beach that she and I had gone to the last time that we had been alone. She sat there, her eyes gazing on the horizon and upon a close examination I could see that she was crying. Her knees we pulled up tightly against her chest and she wrapped her arms tightly around them, only letting go to occasionally brush the tears from her soft cheeks. I watched as she buried her nose in my shirt, presumably so that she could smell my scent on her arms and pretend that I was embracing her.

I surveyed the scene, looking to see if she had brought someone with her, to protect her and make sure that she was safe. I had no idea what was out there, if someone was still looking for her, to avenge the death of the Immortal. She was alone and that bothered me beyond comprehension. I wished that there was something I could do, some way to speak to her. I only wanted to reassure her that I was okay, that I would be back and we could finally be together. I wanted her to know that she didn't have to be this upset because I would be coming back to her so that I could be with her, protect her, and take care of her.

I closed my eyes, allowing myself to drift back into a daydream of how I would want it to be, of how I want to come back to her.

I walk into the hotel, it's night and pretty much pitch black as everyone has retired to their rooms, turned in for the night. The moon is out but it's small, just a little sliver leaving the lights of Los Angeles to illuminate the city. It's quiet inside and everyone is asleep. It's strange being back, being back and finally being alive. Coming back to the place that you died and in a way, the place where you have now found rebirth. I don't bother stopping to talk to anyone else, no one else matters, just her, I can talk to them later. She's the one who has been hurting, who has suffered the most from this, she is the one who should be the first to know, and that's all I want. Being with her, now that I'm alive, it's been something I've wanted for as long as I've known her, and that desire grew even stronger when I got the 24-hour taste a little over six years ago. So like I was saying, the room is mysteriously open and I walk in to find her asleep on the bed. She's wearing my shirt and underwear and clutching onto my pillow. Quietly I walk over to her and put my hand on her shoulder. She wakes up, turns over and sees me standing there. I throw my coat off and kick off my shoes before getting into the bed next to her. I can smell her, and she is so close to me now as I wrap my arms around her, she moves her head to my chest and then, she looks up at me.

"Is that?"

"It is." I say smiling as I notice the look on her face. It's excitement, like a child about the get the toy they always wanted. I've seen that look on her face only one time before, and she has no recollection of it.

"For good? This is real?"

"Until the day I die of old age, with you in my arms." I respond and before I know it…

I opened my eyes once again, standing up and placing the mirror on the table before walking around the room. I lightly punch at the punching bag that I had put in the room, hoping that by excessive time working out would get me stronger faster. But really, the punching bag only served as a method of getting some pent up aggression out of my system. Watching her fall apart before my eyes is the hardest thing I've ever had to witness. And knowing that I'm the cause of it, that only I can make it better, it makes you feel desperate and helpless. I watch as she can't sleep at night, as she walks around the room, staring at the objects and out the window. She seems miles away from everything. You can see the exhaustion in her eyes, how badly she needs to sleep but still refuses to do so. When Willow, Spike or Giles come to check on her, you can see their concern, their longing for her to snap out of it, to try and find the fight that they all know exists within her, but she's too far gone now, too deep in her depression to snap out yet.

And yet, here I am, alone, watching this and wishing that I could just go back and be with her, to help her get through this, to let her know that she isn't alone.

Authors Note:

Hey everyone! So this chapter has numerous changes to it! I hope that you like it! Please read and review! I appreciate all you have to say! And thank you for everyone who is continuing to read!