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FOUR: HUNGRY

He just stared at me, seemingly oblivious to everyone else around him. I glared back, hating the fact that all the other vampires were looking from me to him interestedly, hating the accusatory look in his eyes. He had wanted me to be the monster, didn't he? So why the hell was he looking at me like that?

He turned around suddenly, and led the crowd of muttering vampires back up to the room. I followed, angry at everyone, including me.

I rolled my eyes as I heard three vampires gossiping about me a couple of feet ahead of me. They were discussing possibilities to why I had stopped resisting, and what was going on with me and Riley. They weren't even close. But at least I gave them something to talk about, something to distract them. There weren't a lot of distractions in that room, besides the building aches in our throats. I didn't give a damn about all the stares I was sure to receive once Riley locked us in.

Riley was waiting next to the door, eyeing every vampire as they filed in, counting them. I didn't look at him, asking God why I was the one who had to be last in the queue. I started to walk through the doorframe, my eyes set determinedly ahead of me, when Riley grabbed my arm. His touch sent a shock right through me.

"Bree?" His voice was hesitant, yet still somehow accusatory.

I jerked my arm away, and glared at him. His eyes were bewildered, and hurt. I was almost overwhelmed with an urge to throw my arms around him, but I still felt too angry at him.

I pushed past him into the room. If my eyes could have filled with tears, they would have. I flung myself down onto the ground, leaning against the wall, and wrapped my arms around my knees, burying my head in my arms. I could feel the stares, but at least I couldn't see them. I heard the door close and the lock click, and I tried to block everything out from my mind, and go to my happy place.

And then I remembered my happy place was with Riley. That was no good anymore.

Grateful for something to do, I began to fabricate another happy place, one without Riley. But hopelessness began to take me over, as all my new happy place consisted of was me, all alone, with nothing to be happy about.

The next night, I had no intention of killing anyone at all. My intentions were good, and I wanted to honour them.

But I had done the one thing I shouldn't have done. I had broken past the defences I had made at the very beginning, and allowed myself to feast. Those defences were now too weak for me.

And I had become addicted.

So, after successfully ignoring Riley, I did what all the other vampires had done since the start. I gave myself, and my conscience, which had become an almost separate, animate part of me, over to my instincts. I hunted with my sense of smell, and closed my brain down, not thinking of how many I was killing, not registering how much stronger I felt.

I couldn't resist anymore. I just wasn't strong enough to.

I was one of the last to return. I had turned into some kind of savage, and I hadn't been able to stop myself. I compared it to being an alcoholic, who gets his first taste of alcohol in a few years. And then it consumes him, becomes all he can think about, and then he's hooked again.

I'd seen my reflection in a shop window. My eyes were glowing, a bright crimson colour. It frightened me, and I had to pull myself away from the stranger staring back at me.

Riley's face was saturated with relief, when I finally returned. This annoyed me. This was what he wanted, wasn't it? Me to be like all the other vampires. Where did he get off making me feel guilty, because I was clearly making him worry? It wasn't even his place to worry about me. He had Victoria. I had no one, and I would have been able to manage on my own just fine, if he hadn't begun to fill my head with all those daydreams.

I looked away from him, disgusted, with him and at myself. It wasn't all his fault, because he hadn't encouraged me or led me to think we had a chance. That was all me, wanting the impossible. All he had ever been was nice and friendly to me. Maybe I had been so desperate for comfort, that I taken something entirely innocent between me and Riley, much too far.

But I didn't know how to change what I felt.

A week passed. I knew we were getting closer and closer to the time when we would leave for Forks. The numbers had finally settled down; we were now at nineteen, including me, excluding Riley and Victoria. We still outnumbered the coven of seven anyway, and neither Victoria nor Riley seemed too concerned over the amount in our army.

I had managed to go through the whole week without talking to Riley. He had tried, of course, to talk to me, but I wouldn't let him. I didn't want to face the guy who had changed me. The guy who knew I had gone against all the rules I had made for myself, and failed in my attempt not to be the monster. I didn't want to face the guy who now knew I was weak.

I could feel him watching me, sometimes. Whenever Victoria came in to give us another pep talk, he stood behind her, his eyes fixed in my direction. I ignored him, pretended I didn't see. But I always watched him out of the corner of my eye. You see? I was weak. I couldn't stop me from being a monster, and I couldn't stop me from wanting to taste the forbidden fruit.

Riley unlocked the door and the slightly strained atmosphere within the room lifted. I now knew how they felt. Now that I could feed as freely as I wanted, the thirst became almost inquenchable during the day, the only time when I couldn't satiate it.

I felt like I belonged more, in the group now. I didn't feel so isolated, so completely on my own. I had begun chatting to a girl called Sara, who was about seventeen, the closest person to my own age, next to Riley. Riley had confided in me that he had been a few days from his seventeenth birthday when he was changed. Now he was forever sixteen, his birthday always just out of reach. Even though I felt nothing but anger towards Riley now, the story still made me sad.

Sara was nice, but I couldn't call her a friend. She was very different from me in a lot of ways, and sometimes conversation dried up. However, it was nice to speak to someone who wasn't the reason I was here.

The room began to file out quickly, everyone, including me, anxious to start hunting. Riley's eyes narrowed as I passed him, ignoring him totally, yet still watching him out of the corner of my eye. Why did I manage to fail at everything I attempted? Abstinence from blood, ignoring Riley completely. There was a large red 'Failed' stamp printed across the both of them.

I escaped the house, stepping outside, feeling the cool wind against my face. I tried to make up my mind where to go first, but before I could make any decisions, a cold hand grabbed my arm.

"Bree."

I spun around. It was Riley. Gazing at him, his eyes coal black and angry, I wondered why I was surprised. I had known this would be coming. He would want answers from me. My thirst was forgotten as my mind scrambled to think of what I would tell him. The truth? Lies? Or a mixture of the two?

I jerked my arm out of his grasp, but I didn't run, like he probably expected. I just glared at him.

"What do you want?" I demanded, my voice sounding harsher than I intended it to be.

"A word with you," he replied, and grabbed my arm in a vice-like grip, dragging me back into the house. I struggled only slightly. I wanted to talk to him too, because I missed him. I knew it was wrong, I knew it was forbidden, but I missed him. I missed just talking to him, and I missed the way he smiled at me.

He led me into a room I hadn't been in before. It was a light blue colour, containing only a wardrobe. I didn't know what was inside it, and I didn't care.

Riley closed the door and gazed at me expectantly. Waiting for his explanation. Irritation flared within me. Why did he even care? Was he trying to make me even more miserable? He couldn't be my friend, not when I felt this way about him. I thought about telling him, so we'd both be clear on the boundaries, but a thrill of fear shot through me at that thought. No. He couldn't find out how crazy I was about him. Maybe it was better to hope and dream that he felt the same way, instead of knowing for sure that he didn't.

"Well?" he said, impatient now.

"Well what?" I snapped, angry at myself, angry at him.

My tone made him defensive. "Why have you been ignoring me?"

"What are you talking about?" I asked, deciding to play innocent. I didn't want to have this discussion with him, tell him that I knew. What would it change?

His anger seemed to drain away as I spoke.

"What's wrong with you?" he asked, worry marring his perfect face.

"Nothing," I said through gritted teeth. I wished he would take the hint that I was in no mood to talk to him, and just leave me alone. No such luck, it seemed.

"Bree, talk to me. What is it?"

And I snapped.

"You…. You're the one who changed me, Riley! You're the one who took my life away from me, and turned me into this… monster! I kill others to survive. I never would have wanted this, never. And you're the one who made me like this! And I trusted you, and I even -" I stopped myself, before I could reveal too much. Like how much I depended on him, how much I needed him… how I had even, possibly, fallen in love with him. Like a fool.

Riley was silent, his face a little paler than usual. His eyes were shocked, and I glared at him, breathing heavily. As much as I blamed him for doing this to me, my love for him overwhelmed the anger, so I wasn't nearly as angry as I should have been.

"I'm sorry," he whispered finally, his eyes sad. "I'm sorry for taking your life away. I just couldn't bear to kill you… I don't know what made me stop… I'm sorry, Bree. I'm really sorry. Do you hate me?"

No, I didn't hate him. How could I? He was waiting for my reply with anxious eyes, and I searched for words to convince him otherwise. But words wouldn't be enough. The idea sprang into my mind, and I couldn't ignore it. We were heading into Forks tomorrow, and there would be no other right time, to show him how much I cared about him.

I didn't think it through. I didn't think about Victoria, or anyone else. All I cared about was Riley, and I wanted to show him how much.

I advanced on him purposely, determined. His eyes, the useful window into his soul, told me he was confused, wary… but then I was too close, and my eyes closed…

I kissed him firmly, feeling his unresponsive lips against mine, and I prayed he wouldn't push me away, and avoid me. There was a chance we mightn't survive tomorrow. This was our only chance. A few seconds passed, and he still hadn't responded, and I felt a large black hole inside me, draining me, leaving me empty. He didn't want me. He didn't love me. He loved Victoria, and I was just his pathetic little friend who had thrown herself at him.

If my heart could have broken into two, it would have.

I pulled my lips away, and lowered my head, refusing to meet his gaze. I didn't want to see his expression, the one that would just clarify how much he didn't want me. I just wanted him to turn around and leave; it was the only way I wanted this situation to end, the only way that wouldn't hurt me further.

"Bree?" My name tumbled out of his mouth in a sigh, which I felt blow against my forehead. I couldn't pick out any discernable emotions in it, that would be telling to how he felt, so I had no choice but to meet his eyes. I reluctantly raised my head, preparing myself for more rejection.

The second his eyes connected with mine, I stopped breathing. He didn't look repulsed, or angry. His eyes were hungry. It was almost incomprehensible, after I had braced myself for rejection. His eyes were so intense, I couldn't breathe.

"I'll take that as a no, shall I?" he whispered, with one of his wicked grins.

And then he kissed me.