EPISODE THREE: TEASING

"I know you have it."

"No I don't!"

"Give it back, Ford."

"Why would I take it?"

"I'm warning you!"

"Ow ow ow ow!"

"There. That wasn't so hard, was it?"

"Arr… Why do you need that mug anyway?"

"Because it's mine, from Earth, remember Earth?"

"Yes I remember… Arthur? What would you have done if you had actually broken my finger?"

"I would have gotten my mug back anyway."

Ford grinned. "That's what I love about you. No mercy."

Arthur set down his mug and glared at Ford.

"Ford, don't start. This is not a good time."

"Fine then," said Ford, sauntering towards Arthur. "I won't start a thing."

Ford grabbed Arthur's mug again and ran.

Ford swung around the table and back into the bedroom with Arthur close behind, but gained some distance when Arthur got his robe caught. By the time Arthur had followed Ford over the bed and into the bathroom Ford was already standing on the edge of the bathtub ready to smash Arthur's precious souvenir.

Arthur put up his hands defensively and spoke hesitantly.

"Ford, don't. I'll… give you what you want."

Ford stepped down lightly, grinning like a maniac, and gently set the mug on the edge of the sink. Then lunged.

Despite Ford's small size, he managed to pin Arthur quite easily. Ford had Arthur pinned down on the bed in an unflattering position. His bathrobe looked like wings. However uncomfortable it looked, Arthur found it relaxing to have Ford on top of him. He let Ford use his tongue to relax him even more, and was quite disappointed when Ford began to talk.

"Do you remember that energy pull I talked to you about?"

"Yes," said Arthur with his eyes closed. "And I'm not doing it."

"Please?"

"I'd have to be drugged. OW! Ford!"

"What?"

"Is that what you got me sedated for? To try and convince me to participate in another of your mad games?"

"I just want us to be closer."

"Then talk to me. I don't want to read your mind, Ford, and I don't want to abuse you. You can't use me like that. You need to find someone else to abuse you."

The door to the flat slammed open and shut. A head poked itself into the bedroom. "Woah, is this a private party?" Another head took a peek. "Yow!"

Ford immediately leaped up and put on his air of cool. "Oh hi Zaphod. You should have knocked."

"Well you know how it is," said Zaphod sauntering in while Arthur retreated to a corner. "President of the Galaxy, fugitive, I don't have time to give a warning."

At that moment he punched Ford full in the face. Ford did an elegant 360 turn before collapsing on the floor. Zaphod smoothed his hair back.

"You know, little cousin, that was a totally un-cool thing of you to do. The hair is sacred, and for you to even touch the hair product is a blasphemy. Fortunately I attached our new super deluxe tracking device to it, you clepto-bastard."

Zaphod moved to kick Ford, so Arthur thought he should speak up.

"Um, don't hurt him! Damn. I mean, he only steals for attention. He wants you to hurt him."

Zaphod turned his attention to Arthur. "What a crap defense. Now the ape is pretending to be a lawyer. Speaking of clepto's, you're in for a smack as well for stealing my girlfriend." Zaphod raised a fist, but Arthur backed away defensively.

"I didn't steal her, she left you. She has free will you know."

"What girl would ever leave me of her own free will?"

"You obviously have underestimated Earth women."

"And you could never have stolen her." Zaphod relaxed. "No, you're too distracted with having Ford up your bum to even notice a girl."

"Now hang on a minute,"

"Hey guys?"

Zaphod and Arthur looked down at Ford, whose eye had swollen to the size of a peach.

"Can we turn the attention back to me?"

The answer was a resounding no.

"Sorry I can't hit you, Ford," sneered Zaphod. "My time is being monopolized by your eunuch."

"Like you could ever please a woman!" shouted Arthur. "No wonder Tricia left you!"

"Can we not fight guys?"

"Forget it Earth scum. I've done things with things that you have never heard of."

"That doesn't mean you know a thing about humans."

"Ha! I could make you orgasm five times in eight seconds."

"Ha! That I'd like to see."

"Ok!"

"Fighting is not the ans--"

Ford's sentence was cut off by shock. Zaphod's slower head, who had been keeping an eye on Ford, turned to see what its compatriot was doing. "Woah."

Ford decided to wait until they had finished their… to make an editorial comment. It did not seem appropriate while they were… otherwise distracted. It took a while.

When they were finally done kissing Ford said. "That wasn't necessary."

Arthur was breathing heavily. "Oh no, Ford. You wanted mental torture and you are going to get it."

"Arthur, if you think that I will sit here and watch you… with my cousin--"

"I know you won't," said Arthur. He turned to Zaphod. "Let's tie him to a chair."

Zaphod didn't need to think. "Hey, sounds like a good punishment. I've got a free afternoon."

The duct tape was rather tight around Ford's middle. He didn't see why they had to duct tape his mouth as well. He could still shut his eyes if he wanted to, but why would he when he had the best seat in the house?