EPISODE FOUR: DINNER

As soon as Arthur walked in he sat down at the bar. He wasn't used to being out alone, but there was no way he could have brought Ford with him. Without even looking he could tell where Zaphod was. You could always tell from the noise. Arthur ordered his drink and sat like a quiet drunk waiting for happy hour. He had always felt awkward sitting alone on at a bar on Earth, but the strange surroundings comforted him, that and the barstool was made for a creature twice his size. It made him feel less looming. Zaphod was at his elbow. The crowd of noise moved away as Zaphod ordered his drinks. They didn't look at each other.

"Does Ford know you're here?" said Zaphod's closer head, once it had taken a drink.

"No."

"Good." Zaphod finally looked at Arthur. "Why don't you just leave with me this time? We'll have a great time cruising the galaxy, then I can drop you back off at whatever dung heap Ford is staying at when you get homesick."

"I can't do that. It would break his heart. Humans don't leave people that easily."

"No, they just have affairs."

"That's not true."

"Well you and Trillian are the only humans I know and--"

"You leave her out of this!" By this time Arthur was standing and people were starting to stare. "I have to go home."

"You should go," yelled Zaphod at Arthur's retreating back. "You only come back when you are ready to make a full commitment to the Big Z." He turned back to his slower head which was in the process of getting him both drunk. He looked away again to a more pleasing sight. "Hey baby, you look like you could commit to forty-seven minutes of the Big Z…"

When Arthur got home, Ford was listening to opera, in a cage. Arthur had no idea where Ford had got the cage; he didn't think the Vogons sold them. Ford heard Arthur come in, but ignored him until the aria was over. Only then did he look at Arthur.

"Some of your German composers were pretty sadistic. I bet you miss it. But maybe you have found something else to cure your homesickness."

"Ford, listen—"

"Sometimes I wonder if you will come home at all."

"I can't leave—"

"Oh, I understand. He's ex-president of the galaxy and all. My cousin by three mothers, creator of the most popular drink in existence, two heads—"

"Ford! Stop it! I'm not leaving. You… scare me sometimes. Zaphod is downright normal compared to you. I can't keep up with you twenty something hours a day."

"I'm not asking you to keep up with me. I just want you to see all the things that the galaxy has to offer. Just trust me. You might even enjoy yourself."

"I— I trust you Ford. I don't understand you, but I trust you."

"So we're OK?"

"Yes, Ford. We're OK."

"Good. Come see my new toy."

Arthur stifled his protest and followed Ford, with a bit clearer knowledge of how the universe really works.

"I want to cook something."

Arthur didn't even look up. "Do you remember what happened the last time? Your pasta somehow got stuck to the inside of the lamp."

"This time I'll make something easier." Ford collapsed into a cushy chair and stared at the ceiling. "I think I should make sGaza Bread with gNidoop Sauce."

"Well it will be an interesting conversation piece for our guest."

Ford looked at Arthur suddenly. "Guest? What guest?"

"I invited Zaphod."

"And what in Zarquod's name did you do that for?"

Arthur snapped down his reading. "Because of what happened when we went out drinking the other night. As soon as you saw Zaphod you disappeared. You and he have been avoiding each other for ages, and I know why. You are bloody cousins and I hate what is going on because of me."

Arthur put his book back up over his face. Ttehct Arp the Yrt's new book wasn't all that interesting, but Arthur wanted to make sure that Ford knew the conversation was over.

Ford ordered out food under a false name from the easiest place to split the check, and then went out to pick it up with some false fingerprints. Arthur continued reading. If there had been a clock, it would have ticked. Some time later, Zaphod knocked on the door and Arthur answered it.

"Hey, earthman, ready to go?"

"We are eating in tonight, Zaphod."

"Ah, a little bedtime snack? So, I assume Ford is out for the evening."

"Oh, he'll be back soon."

"So how long do we have?"

"Not long enough, apparently." Ford stomped in with a scowl and smacked the take-out bag on the table. "I am going to make drinks. I, for one, will need to be seriously smashed to participate in this evening."

Ford stomped out of the room while Zaphod glared at Arthur.

"Hey, monkeyman, what kind of idea is this?"

"You two have been avoiding each other and it is my entire fault. I won't be caught in-between you two anymore."

Zaphod was silent. Half an hour later, no one had said a word. Ford ate his food with malice, Zaphod picked at the overdone lumps of wBrfacknah, and Arthur anxiously watched the two of them.

"Well, Zaphod," Arthur started. "What have you been up to?"

"Had any run-in's with Galactic Police?" Ford asked quietly.

"I should ask you the same thing," said Zaphod coldly. "I know you can't pay for any of this."

"Are you saying I can't support myself?"

"I was just suggesting that some people may want a more stable life than you are willing to provide."

"And you call yourself stable? You are about as stable as a ten-armed flava monkey on crystal lemon in a weapons arsenal."

"And you are as deranged as wet mattress, on fire, in a—in a—in a bloody engine room!"

"HE'S MINE! I FOUND HIM FIRST!"

"WHO CARES WHO FOUND HIM? YOU CAN'T KEEP HIM!"

"I LOVE HIM! YOU COULD NEVER LOVE!"

"WELL WHY DON'T WE LET THE APE DECIDE FOR HIMSELF?"

They both looked at Arthur who was still trying to understand the mattress analogy. Arthur was confused. He did not want to choose, he just couldn't stand the bloody silence. However, silence was better than fighting over him.

"I think," he said slowly, "that we should all have another drink."

Once more, there was silence. Bottles began to pile up in the sink. Still, there was silence. Arthur felt something growing in the pit of his stomach. He furrowed his brow as the frustration crept up his esophagus and strangled him into talking.

"You know, I have had some adfesntrruurs withh the both of yous, and I am thinkkking, is what I want, which is, is what which I want, is Earth. That wass my home, and now is just dust. And so, I'm stuck here, whith the both of yous, and you want me to deessside who to spend my… life whith. Well, you can both bugger off, cuz neither of you has wot I really want."

"Hey, now, jest hold on a minute," Ford tried to stand. "Who was your bessssst friend on Earth, aye? Who reminds you of your own own home?"

"Nop, yurr an alien, and that is that."

"Look, monkey, there are other worlds—" "With great big tits—" "We'll you shut up?" Zaphod's heads were both competing for their shared brain cells. "My point is, you can find a lot more stuff out threrr then you could on your little planet."

"No. I grew up there, and that's the only place I belong."

"ARTHUR!" shouted Ford. "YOU CAN'T GO BACK! IT'S GONE! WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO NOW?"

Arthur sniffed. "I don't know."

"Oh for Zarquod's sake!" Ford stood up and began pacing the room, gesturing dramatically. "You told us what you want, now what about what WE want?"

Arthur stood up. "Sod. This." He then got the hell out of there.