EPISODE FIVE: LOST

Arthur had left Ford at their apartment. Later, Zaphod picked him up in the Heart of Gold. He didn't want to go back. That was all he said. He didn't know what had happened to Ford.

Now he was stuck with Zaphod, traveling to improbable locations throughout the galaxy. They didn't really have anything in common, except for Trillian, and she had dumped the both of them long ago. Maybe that is what had drawn them together in the first place. Arthur went on at long lengths on this subject for a long time after a bad bottle of wine one evening, until Zaphod told him that if he didn't shut up, he wouldn't get to be on top for a week. Arthur shut up. He didn't mind being submissive, but Zaphod was heavy.

They weren't friends. Either one would tell you that they weren't friends. They were just traveling together, they'd say if anybody asked. Sleeping together would never come up in conversation. Whenever Zaphod decided to pick up a girl, Arthur would retire to his own cabin and try to distract himself from the eternal nagging question in the back of his head demanding to know what exactly he was doing with himself.

The truth is, they were both very tired and depressed. Arthur had nowhere to go and nothing to do and Zaphod was getting quite sick of his presence on the ship, which he was sort of embarrassed about. So they shuffled around each other on the Heart of Gold, occasionally having angry, hurtful sex, but not often speaking.

It was on a particularly gloomy day where the ship was just floating near an asteroid field that Arthur decided he would go see Marvin and asked the computer to do just that. The computer, however, had no idea where Marvin was, but the Infinite Improbability Drive came in handy once again, and in an instant the ship was in orbit around a gray, gross piece of rock with barely habitable atmosphere. Zaphod came rushing onto the bridge.

"Hey, monkeyman, what's up with the huddy behavior? Who told you you could go press buttons?"

"Zaphod, I'm going to see Marvin," said Arthur gloomily. "You can come if you like." Zaphod was motionless. He just glared. "Fine. Just don't leave without me."

The ship opened and Arthur strolled out onto the planet wrapped tightly in his robe. "Marvin!" he called into the twilight.

Gradually one rock disengaged itself from the rest of the landscape.

"Oh, it's you. I was just starting to hate this place and now you have come along."

"Hello Marvin."

"What do you want?"
"Your company. Is that so surprising?"

"No one wants my company. I'm too depressing."

"Well, I'm depressed and I thought misery loves company so here I am!" shouted Arthur angrily. He sat down harshly on the ground. "I have no home, no family, I'm stuck with someone I hate, and the only person I can talk to is a manically depressed robot who has no idea of the intricacies of human existence."

"What happened to Ford?"

"Ford's a nutter."

"It seems like you two got along rather well."

"Oh too well. He draws you in, offers you comfort, gets you right where he wants you, then stabs you right in the stomach. He acts so innocent afterwards, like it is something everyone does. Well, I might only be from Earth, but I know that is not how 'everyone' does it."

"So you 'did it' with Zaphod."

"Wha- I mean, how?"

"It's obvious when you have a brain the size of a planet. You people never listen."

"Well, yes. It is obvious, isn't it? Ford was hurting me, so I wanted to hurt him, and Zaphod was the perfect choice. But he deserved it."

"He deserved it?"
"Yes, and I don't feel sorry. I don't want to be with him. I hate him."

"Then why are you still talking about him?"

"You're right. He is my only friend in this strange galaxy, and I've got make things better between us." Arthur stood up. "Thanks Marvin. It's been great."

Arthur strode back to the ship and the hatch closed.

"Wonderful. Just leave me here then," Marvin called to the retreating ship. "To think I almost thought that you were here to replace the diodes on my left side. Or give me a new leg. Or get me off this miserable rock."

But there was no answer as the Heart of Gold was off to find Ford Prefect.