Painful Secrets
.:The Border of Ascending and Decending:.
As we lived on, we learned that the world had more to offer than the usual black and white plainess. The vivid colors of reality were really cruel to me when I'd first seen them. It was a coldness that punctured through my heart like an unrestrained arrow. Looking back from a typical moment of today, the memories still pained me in a mockery endeavor to drive me repeatedly back to that point.
People claimed time to have a power of healing; but, to me, it seemed like there was never that moment when I could declare that this was the percise point when I became cleaned of what happened. Like a shadow for every being, they were glued to me, never letting go completely, as they mercilessly on-slaughtered each molecule that made up my being.
The baby sunlights poured through the thickness of the fragile leaves, who were sheltering me. The brutal, heavy air of chilliness in the morning still screamed its power over my flesh, sending icicles down every fiber of my soul. Gazing downward with hazel thoughts in mind, the image before me was none other than two solid fleshes (my limbs), sitting lifelessly in my lap. They had been able to move about, but most of the time, I'd let them be. I didn't know anymore of what to do. So,what if my chance of recovering was there; the question was: Do I really want to be recovered? What if recovering would lead me toward somewhere that I would not like? Being in this state, things went smoothly for me. In other words: this life is very peaceful. Yet, deep down, I knew I would regret and always ponder of what it'd be like if I had not let this chance slip by. 'Do I want to live in what if for the rest of my time here? I simply... don't know and don't even care... Right now, I just want to leave things as they are.'
'What are there for me to change? --to embrace the brighter future?' Beside the facts that my late family would want it so to be for me, it was also the Hoshis' wish. They had been very kind to me since I had started living with them. Hoshi Miroku had taken me on right under his wing, making me feel like my brother was still alive. Then there was Hoshi Okane; she wanted me to call her mother very much. With so much efforts she had put out for me, it should've been enough for me to overcome this illness for her. But it wasn't enough. All those reasons weren't enough to push me further on with wanting to have what would be best for me. So, what else was there that I needed to come forward with?
'... I don't know...
'...Maybe it will find me soon enough for me to change my mind...
'...The times left for my feet to either be functional or useless is closing in...
'...Please, let me find a real reason...
'...I want to make the Hoshis, the people who care for me, the people who you have sent down to guide this lost soul, happy...
'...But the risks are too high...
'...And I truly am helpless...'
Eyes bashing the bitterness that lingered ever so lightly above my head, I became aware of myself. One word--I supposed--could be said right now. Perhaps, the person that I had turned out to be wasn't all that tolerable for anything.
Sullenly, I pushed the button to go foward on the wheelchair.
A little ramp up ahead led me into the tall tower made of gray stones. It had two elevators in the middle. They were each glassed on three sides, with a dark ruby, translucent shield to separate the middle; one went up, the other went down...
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Golden eyes darkened in frustration and anger of his workers' unfinished tasks; the nineteenth-year-old boss was close to breaking all of his well kept controls. He was fresh out of college with a bachelor degree in psychology, and he was planning to finally be on his own without any helps from his family---but things went their own ways without consulting if he would be in approval of. Two days after receiving his diploma, he was given his position right now without any says in which, and there was no chance of escaping. (His father had played dirty, bringing the press into their agrument just to win the battle.)
His family was filthy rich; he was born with a silver spoon. Yeah, that was the way everybody had been looking at him since the beginning of his exsitence. His mother, Tetsusaiga Izayoi, was a famous actress; and his father had inheritaged everything from his ancient acesstors, who were still well known of today as fearsome warlords during the Meiji Era--- and maybe even further back then. It was like his family was one of those people who entertained everyone with every move they made. People would go oooh and ahhh at every single thing; naming them: magnificent, incredible, outstanding, etc. It was more and more like the people were worshiping them still, even after their standard was now even with everyone else in this new founded era.
But all that could be changed... if he had an offer... Yet who'd be daring enough to ask him for help when his father's words were nailed like the many grave stones of the departed war soilders on the ground of Japan?
Sesshomaru let out a small sigh. 'This is going to be a very long day...' he thought before getting up out of his black, spinning armchair.
Workers greeted him, they bowed as he passed, whispering words of good fortunes. Though, that just got him more irritated, so he quickly strode in unlike human speed towards the glassed elevator whose three sides embraced Tokyo on for miles. He told the elevator man to bring him down through gritted teeth. And if the man was in awareness of his anger, he certainly had kept it well.
'All these damned smiles, unusable phrases.' he swore to himself as he caught himself before slamming his fist into the crystal clear glass. For one thing, the emgerengy alarm would go off, and he didn't really have any time to offer an explaination. Secondly, he didn't want to face his father nor talk to his mother of why he was frustrated. Don't get him wrong. He loved his mother, but sometimes, he couldn't stand her or her antics of simply being a woman who supported her husband in everything. Couldn't she choose a side that was known as justice for once? She always blindly walked behind his father, worshiping him like he was some god, not a man.
Pitiful, yes, but this was how the asian cultural was performed. The women usually had no says in whatever was important; once they were married, they had to let the men's ideas stood up for all of their family members. He was so sick of this. No, the asian were not like the american; even when the children had moved out with a family of their own, the elders still had controls over them until the day they passed on.
Maybe it was him who was wrong. This was their tradition, so not in a million years would it be changed. And it certainly would never be changed because he was educated by the new world! That would be insane and an ought right wrong doing. Plus, no one would really have the courage to do so; they were all cowards who were afraid of the consquences. No, not the physical challenges that had cooled his nerves down, it was the mental challenges. He had to consider; everyone had to consider. Was going against their strongly rooted to the ground traditon worth losing a family over? Why be so vain to ruin a happiness that countless lives had fought to achieve just so a little change would be able to be known? No, maybe one day it would be different here in asian countries, but not now; the idea could only be seen as nothing more than a mere thought of the mind.
"Your coffee, Tetsusaiga-sama." The waitress bowed before hurrying herself back to the tasks with some giggles spilling out of her mouth.
Sesshomaru sat in silent, looking out to the street through the thin glass, completely igoring the whispers and stares that were thrown at him. Almost everyone, unless they were new from some foreign countries, knew of him. It was not that hard to know the Tetsusaiga. They simply just stood out of the crowd. Come on; silver hairs, golden gazes, snow colored skins, perfect orange, pinkish lips, and the dead give away birth marks of royalty? You must be a complete idiot to not know of them. (There was also the fact that in every magazine that had ever been published in Japan, none seemed to not have at least a mention of the Tetsusaiga.)
The local café was oddly serene in the buzziling city close around noon; it had become one of Sesshomaru many favored spots during times of pressures and stresses. He oftenly came here to sit and stare outside for about thirty minutes or so before leaving. It was an old habit that he seemed to not be able to get rid of any time soon. Though he didn't really mind it that much. He was not sure if it was the coffee that lured him here or if it was the atmosphere that spoke of somehwhat normalness. Any place to get him off of his situation was fine with him, that was.
"Poor Hoshi-san," a lady sat in the booth next to a certain silky silver head spoke; she made sure it was loud enough for him to hear. Hey, it was normal, everybody wanted his attention.
"Why 'poor Hoshi-san'?" Her companion, a woman with short red hair, cooed.
"Well, haven't you heard?"
"No, no. Do tell." She faked an English-British tone.
"Hoshi-san has adopted a daughter recently."
"Why, that is a good thing, dear."
"Hush, let me finish, Mira." she paused, waiting to see if there was any more prostest prior she began. "Hoshi-san just has a too good of a heart! Can you believe she adopted an orphan who is paralyzed! Not only that, the girl can't even speak!" She slamped her hand on the table, indicating her furiousness.
"Why, that is horrible, Kira! The poor dear must have it bad."
Kira sighed. "I know, but they've been trying to work it out. Hoshi-san has grown to love the child as if she were her own flesh and blood. That is lucky for her, I say. I think God finally shows mercy; the girl is able to move half of her body now." She pulled the tea cup to her lips. Gulping down some tea, she set the cup back down on the table. A 'click' followed, and a little silence walked in between them.
"What now? That is a good accomplishment so far."
"Yes, but I'm afraid that is all they are going to get. The doctor said if the girl doesn't fight it now, she will be like that forever."
"Oh, my! That is bad. How come she doesn't fight it now?"
"They don't know." Kira sighed again. "Hoshi-san has been crying on my shoulder all morning long. I suggested a specialist, but Hoshi-san declined. She doesn't want her little girl to feel out of normal."
"My, my. This will not come out good." Tap, tap. Mira's eyes glanced at the ceiling than back at Kira. "What do you say we go to the temple and pray. Maybe Buddha will send them some help. Poor little girl."
"Yes. That is a great idea."
"No, that is all we can do." They both got up and gathered their belongings. "Unless, somehow, a miracle happens."
When he no longer heard them and was certain that they had left, Sesshomaru left as well. No, even though the subject of their conversation was in his mind, Sesshomaru didn't want to interfer himself with more unnecessary obsticle. He had enough to deal with and wasn't even sure if he could manage to topple each and every one of them by the end of this year.
Sure, it did sound like a good topic to get himself out of this, but he had no experience. Who would hire an unexperienced psychologist (and not to forget to include, Tetsusaiga's disapproval of his son doing something else but working for him) to help get their daughter back on track with so little time? It plainly would not be that easy.
It was barely noon when Sesshomaru found himself realizing he was heading toward the Botanical Garden, a little near downtown of Tokyo. He hadn't visit this place for a while, since he last came here with his mother. The place was pretty decent, considering there were only fifteen members working in this vassive garden. The garden stood on an old grave yard that once held many dead soldiers from the war of not so long ago. But their families didn't have enough money to protect their graves; it was just too expensive just to keep them burried here. It was Tokyo late mayor's idea to build a garden here. He claimed something about making the city more beautiful and the spirits would surely descend with the blooming flowers toward the heaven sky.
What a load of craps! The only reason they built it was to attract tourists! People had been complaining that this was a concrete jungle. Building after building, it was just too much to bare. No tourists would want to come here. They went on vacation to relax, they didn't need any more stuffs that reminded them of their homes. And tourists meant money; the more tourists, the more the governments and citizens would gain.
It was not that surprising for anyone who had a logic mind to know that plants were grown best on the cemetary site because of decomposing and such. Though, now, it barely had any room of dirt left. All the paths one could see now was covered in cement; only the place where the plants stood had some soils, a few, but still some.
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Somewhere in this darkness, the sky still could be so blue like any other day, it seemed. Feeling and needing something that was unknown, unreachable, had become a desperate attempt in the path of finding myself. How long had I been drifting? How much longer would I last?
The sweetness of today and the sourness of yesterday mixed together so well; it hallucinated my strong virtue of balancing the border of dreams and reality.
And for some reason, I smelled the light scent of cherry blossom petals. The gentle hands of wind caressing my face...
'Where am I?'
'You're here.'
'Where is here?'
'Here is here.'
'Please, don't---' I trembled, my body fell down to the solid ground. For a few seconds, I remained restrainted.
And a laughter, neither wicked nor kind. A mild laughter among the mist.
The ground began to shake; tiny pieces of ground shattered like million fragments of shards from the Shikon no Tama as I felt my body losing its heaviness.
'Where am I going?----'
Waking up from dream, I found myself in an awkward position upon my wheelchair. 'Silly, Rin. You're going to fall out if you lean any more further.' My body was folded in half, the upper part covered my knees like a spread out blanket. Ouch... The pain surfaced. I wasn't allowed to reach down, let alone bent myself like one of those ballerinas. Okane would be furious if she saw this!
'No.' I forced myself to move upward. I somehow felt alseep and my body fell weak to gravity. 'Where are my nannies?' They should have been here some hours ago to pick me up...
Spending time here was nice while it was still morning, but when it became this late, people came and ruined the flawless tranquility. Or was it because I was jealous? Jealous that they were able to have voices while I kept silent in the shadow.
Frustrated, I wanted to leave. This place, all of a sudden, made me feel suffocated. I needed air. I...I had to breathe!
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From the inside of a tower known as Nageku, on the bottom floor, Sesshomaru had been standing there and doing nothing but stared at the empty elevators. The slightly past noon sunlight was glistening through the tower's window, extending its rays toward the elevator that was used to go up. Odd; usually, the light never touched that elevator.
The roses should be in bloom right about this time of the year. And nothing could be more pleasing to look at than the view of fully in bloom violet roses by the end of the garden maze from a greater, higher distance. And for the reason as to why this tower was named Nageku, it would be a shame to let this chance pass.
For the first time, he noticed as he stepped into the glassed box: little butterflies with wide spreaded out wings, looking like they were ready to soar the vassive sky marred the smooth surface of the ruby colored wall. Putting out a hand to feel the scars beneath, he traced them ever so delicately... admiring the perfection.
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Small imprints of five mighty rose petals whose name carried so much values to mankind were neatly sealed to the bloody wall. They were pretty at first glance, but... their separated petals... I... I hated them. It was not because I hated their beauty, nor was it because I was jealous of them for mostly representing the glory on the surface of this world. They...right now... weren't pretty at all! In fact, they sybolized the hideous thing I had ever seen (next to the departures of my family members).
How could humanity have gone so low?
Yet... who was I to judge?
This world, filled by sins and fault traces of purity, sometimes crytalized all of our wrong doings and marked them anew.
So... what if even after I knew the image beyond the illusion wasn't real...? What then? Would I still go seek after it? In hope for finding a happiness? In hope for my insanity? And, perhaps, my own self, my old, lost and left behind self? What then would have I gathered?
The million pieces of a broken me... Would that then be enough? Enough to make me want to fight for a chance now to become normal? Or at least be able to not depend on others...?
And... I finally woke up and blinked at the truth. They... they were not only defining everything that was bad... They stood for me...!? The image I loathed and had never wanted to be...
Hestitantly and unconciously, I found myself having this irresitable urge to touch it... touch the self portrait I had unknowingly created...
'Ouch.
'It hurts... a lot...
'Please... somebody...?'
Yet, I knew. I was only dreaming of a tomorrow that may never exist. And because it was only a dream... I would survive it, somehow, someway. So, please, to those that cared for me, let me go. It would get better... I promised...
With my eyes heavily shut down, I knew then I should let go, too...
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Buttiflies symbolized carefress and happy spirits... But he could be anything but that... Were they carved on this glass to mock him? And the urge of peeling them off... Those wings that were able to take them higher without much in return... He wanted them for himself... Perhaps, one day, he might be able to fly without wings...
Perhaps...
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Butterflies, with wings that embraced the sky, took one soul higher above the ground...
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Roses petals that fell from heaven gently swayed among the winds, descending another soul to a place of rest...
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For a brief moment...
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I felt it...
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He felt...
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...the feeling of being reached out to... a warm flesh on the other side of the smooth surface...
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...strange, yet, somehow, it was comforting...
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The opening of new air brought him out of his trance like state. Was it for real...? He glanced back at the slowly closed doors... determinting the which in that was real and fake.
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I felt it, but it vanished as quickly as it came. That feeling was... maybe was what I had been searching for all these times... 'I don't know.' My head turned to the closed doors. I suddenly felt the growing urge to find and embrace it...
Once again it came knocking on my door; choose now: to never have something or to at least experience it so there would not be any regrets.
What should I choose? The tightly pressed doors seemed to be my portal between the past and my future... I could come forward and face the danger, or forever hide in the shadow...
Choose now to reach out and be noticed...
Choose now to walk straight in a path that is unknown...
Choose now to live...
or to die...
And I chose...
sOz
oOoPaInFuLxSeCrEtSoOo
sOz
Nageku- the Japanese word for to grieve, to lament.
(Don't worry; you'll get a full explaination in a later chapter. And I'm not Japanese, so whatever sounds stupid or not right--don't blame me! I'm poor enough as it is. The word poor contains both meanings! )
.:Inuyasha © of Rumiko Takahashi
.:Update: 4.30.06
.:Non-edited.
AN: Hi, everyone. It's been a long time since my last up dating. But doesn't this chapter worth the wait? I have Sesshomaru in here! He is OOC at the moment... but he has to be in order for the story to run. Comments/criticisms are welcomed; just don't sue me or flame me because you don't like Rin and Sessh pairing. The texts came right off my brain. I'll edit when it comes close to the end.
Thank You
icygirl2-
Actually, most of the up coming chapters are before the prologue, and I guess this is how I'm going to do the pov. First pov is very effective. Umm... I can't really answer your other questions, I don't want to spoil you.
SoulDreamer-
Starrilight-Hotaru-
How is this meeting to your liking?
mysterious advisor-
Punk Rock Miko2-