Painful Secrets
.:Realized:.
And I chose to...
...not finish that sentence...
'It's okay to be immature for a while, isn't it?' What good would it be if to have something meant one would have to lose something in exchange when the new thing I wanted may not be what I truly desired?
Somehow, my thought became extremely small, and the bitter, bitter taste of it remained. 'I'm really an insignificant little person at the moment. Then... does that mean I'm lost again?'
My eyes drifted to a distance as if they were truly in search of that lost part of me.
'Where are you running to?
'You don't know, do you?
'The truth is, no matter how far you can manage to travel, you will always be found.
'We only live for so many years.
'Sun rises and sun sets.
'The faces on this earth are always changing, so why bothers wasting our preciously limited time?
'Pointless. I rather to have done something little than doing something big and worthless.
'Yet, sometimes... pointlessly walking straightforward without looking back is the only way to accomplish anything at all in this world. But that is another story.'
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Like time was overlapping itself, the image of a long, silver colored hair person turned his back toward the wide window, hastily pursuing that familiar warmth he'd felt. No, feeling that was that strong could have never been just an illusion! As he waited for the doors to reopen, the anxiousness in which he felt wouldn't let him be. It was as if it was heeding him that if he would lose this little chance, something (unknowingly) precious of his would and could never again be returned. When the bright light and cool air touched him, a strong will instantly manipulated his body, guiding him straight toward a path that was foreign. Yet, for some reason, his body trembled a little with each step he took, and his heart was beating louder than normal.
Soon, he came to a complete stop in front of a white cherry tree that was deeply in full bloom. Gently, the wind ruffled the blossomed flowers, making them giggle and melt away in happiness. The fragile petals got lifted by the warm winds again as he silently consumed the peaceful view of the lonely tree and surrounding plants. Why did he come here? There was nothing special about this place at all. Disappointed of himself for carrying such a high expectation, Sesshomaru closed off his eyes for a little rest. Perhaps some angry spirit was toying with him? But the small thought soon came to an end when the wind once again brought the petals carefully up to the sky, making them brush against his skin in a gentle caress.
'Ne, if you look hard enough, surely, you'd find something significant among common things.' "Someone" whispered softly by his ear, and the phrase seemed to have gone past the barrier of his flesh and into the depth of his soul. Instantly, his eyes broke through the heaviness of hindrance, and he began to look once more for that momentous something. But little did he know that God had a way of picking on people, because when he wanted to move, he realized that one of his leg had fallen asleep. He would just have to wait a just little longer on his side of the tree.
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"Gather around children." A mellow voice nearby woke me up from what seemed to be an extremely long, long stagnation.
My head shifted a little bit toward the direction the voice was coming from. With my blurred eyesight from being under the direct sun's rays for too long, I could still make out the distinct shapes of people... Coming a little closer (but not enough to invade their personal spaces) to where they settled under a fully bloomed cherry blossom tree, there was an old nun and surrounded her were seven little girls with eager faces. Why was I drawn so deeply toward the common scene, toward them? Even I had no answer. Perhaps it was because of the ordinariness they harbored lured me in, because when something was so normal and was viewed deep enough its unique character would surface...
"Pleweaze Teachwer, me wanna hear a storwee!" beamed one of the girls, with the untainted smile of forgive and forget.
The nun smiled, even her eyes were smiling. "All right. Shall we hear the story about that tower over there?" She pointed past me, and all the dark small eyes that were filled with excitement and wonder followed her index finger to the distance. In an instance, as if she suddenly spotted something amusing, her pointing hand turned into the movements of drawing me closer. "Won't you come closer and hear the story, Miss?"
I... unable to respond--no, not knowing exactly how to respond to the invitation--remained where I was with indifference, but, really, inside my viens were flooded with a warm, warm rush.
"Ah, Teachwer!" Three girls bellowed; an idea caught up to them. "We get Sista here!"
"Yeah! Leave to us!"
Before I knew it, I was given a push toward the place where laughter lived. "Sista here too. Now tell storwee!"
"Yeah! Tell storwee now!"
The nun nodded her head but waited until they were all seated comfortably before she began.
"As I was saying, the tale of the tower." Funny, I never heard there was a story about it before. The nun was about my nannies' ages too, so why hadn't I been informed during those other times we were here? But then again those two just gossiped about people they saw on magazines, tuning out the what seemed to have been centuries ago tales to fit with today's society. Beings like them who moved on without the least bit of worries that they were losing something far more important than anything else at a certain period of their lives... A small stir of wind came about, and one of the petals fell into my lap... Then just like that I realized that I was just like them, was just one of them before I was reduced to nothing... I... felt small and became unbearable. However, before I could venture on more about my feelings, the nun's voice picked up to a stern level, as if she knew I was having problem, as if she knew I had just been woken up by the common simplicity. "Before there was Tokyo, there was Edo. And just like that fact, before there was this garden, there was a Lady Rin, wife of the Western Demon Lord Sesshomaru."
"Dewon Lawd Sess-sho-mah-ru?" the girl with short brown hair and blue eyes interrupted.
"Whatta weird name!" added another, but she had red hair and green eyes. They all laughed or giggled, agreeing with her amazing discovery.
"But whatta Dewon Lawd?" the same brown haired girl asked.
"Demon Lords are Lords of both the humans and the demons back then." the nun explained, not wanting to go on further than necessary.
"So Ladee Rin is demon too?"
"No," The nun caught a hold of my eyes before she finished her answer. "Lady Rin is a human like us." And she kicked in a teasing smile as if this tale and I were linked.
"Ladee Rin is no afraid of Demon?"
The nun confidently said, "Of course not, child. She is in love with him who kindly saved her from Death."
"Dewon Lawd iz kind!" And like magic the little bias they somehow obtained was dissolved as if it had never existed.
'So then, does it mean that this tale too will one day be forgotten, will one day be wiped out of their minds?' I understood that such a thing would happen, but then why couldn't I stop feeling a little pain when it concerned this topic? It was like everything else too... wasn't it? Was it because the Lady Rin and I shared the same name so it became easier for me to relate, to be falsely led to believe I was her and she was me... That would be indefinitely impossible. We just shared a name, nothing more, nothing less--and so I began again to misguide myself without caring at all what would become of tomorrow as I listened to the sad, sad tale.
How was it that I knew then the tale was sad? It was because demons continued to live on, while the humans could only live within one hundred years.
'When Lady Rin died, Lord Sesshomaru must have been really sad.' However, it shouldn't have been long until Lord Sesshomaru chose one of the two paths: one, death and two, take another mate and live on, forgetting all about Lady Rin who lived alone, waited alone, and died alone; and in her grave, she'd still continue to be alone, starting the process of living in hell alone and waiting in the hell river alone. Sad, wasn't it? But that was their fairy story, one without the magical ending where love could be found.
The wind returned to replace the environment without sounds. And soon, followed, the soft cries of the little girls who wished to hear a happy fairy tale. The nun's eyes were hazed, cast to the side so they wouldn't view the sorrow in place of the laughter. "Even if you're in love and knows you will never make it out without losing a piece of yourself, it's still a wonderful thing: to love and be loved." The nun's voice held so much force in them that it seemed objection was badly defeated. But still, to me and all these girls here who had never fallen in love: we were most definitely certain that she was wrong!
"How sure are ya? Kuz things are sad, wondapull can't be with!" A girl with white hair directed her tearful eyes at the nun, whose eyes were now staring straight at everyone of us, without hesitation.
"Silly child," she paused, trying to recall something. Then, in a slow, mourful tone, she read:
"We part again at the break of dawn.
My dreams become distant apparitions.
I am lifted up by the warm wind I sense, every time you hold me chasing after you in the bright light.
"Spring is coming and the flowers start to bloom.
The summer comes to Edo, and the grasses are dotted with fireflies.
The cool autumn breezes brush past and awaken locked away memories.
Then winter passes by as I start counting the days and months again.
"The summer from the past still remain undisrupted.
The blue sky of yesterday,
I can still see from a distance,
Picking flowers and ranting by your side.
Old, well-kept emotions arise and my eyes swell up.
From sun rise to sun down, this is where I waited.
Someday I will realize that he won't ever come back.
I understand when
These tears woke me up,
Every time when I look for you.
Awaken now in my memories,
I shall start walking toward where you are.
"We part again at the break of dawn
My dreams becoming distant apparitions
I am lifted up by the warm wind I sense, every time you hold me chasing after you in the bright light.
"Spring is coming and the flowers start to bloom.
The summer comes to Edo, and the grasses are dotted with fireflies.
The cool autumn breezes brush past and awaken locked away memories.
Then winter passes by as I start counting the days and months again.
"I still want to be cuddled in your arms under this sky.
Your scent of a soldier is my keepsake.
If there is a road between this world and the next, I'm ready to go.
I can't keep myself from crying.
"The waves is unsettling,
Shattering serenity.
I go forward without hesitating.
The lantern boats light my path
To you and your kindness, wait for me
Now destroying the peacefulness
I go forward without hesitation.
The lantern boat guided me
To you and your kindness, wait for me.
"Spring is coming and the flowers start to bloom.
The summer comes to Edo, and the grasses are dotted with fireflies.
The cool autumn breezes brush past and awaken locked away memories.
Then winter passes by as I start counting the days and months again.
"We part again at the break of dawn
My dreams are becoming distant apparitions
I am lifted up by the warm wind I sense, every time you hold me chasing after you in the bright light."
"That song was sung every day by Lady Rin. So you see, even if they can never meet again, at least the memories are still there, inside her heart, the heart that was taken with her to the afterlife."
"Kwool! Me neva knew hearts are kwool like that!" a child's voice pulled me back from the place I ran off to, to the place where Lady Rin chased after Lord Sesshomaru in the bright light.
"Ah! Derez a Bro-bro behind tree!" another girl's exclaimed, pulling my once averted eyes toward... her direction, her place where the bright light broke through the layers of leaves and flowers. At first, there was only her holding on to another person's hand, but before long, someone came crawling over one of the roots that grew above ground.
Long silky white hair that became silver in the light pooled around his shoulders, drifting toward the dirt, and bangs that parted in the middle of his face covered his face so that only his tall nose bridge was visible, due to his gaze focusing on the ground. All the young girls encircled him, questioning, blocking him from my view. Yet I wasn't really minding it that much, because what good was him to me? Truthfully, really... I wished he would just disappear... His presence disrupted my tranquility, gave me this unstable feeling, and very, very much unwanted, unneeded!
"One of my leg fell asleep." was his simple answer. His voice was velvety, and at the same time very sharp and clean... 'Please leave.' I wanted him to know... for some reason. The girls, concerned, asked him many questions, but he only answered some.
Too absorbed by the scene, I didn't notice there was still one child who seemed to be the lone wolf of the pack remained where she had been all along, and by my side, I was startled when she pulled my sleeve to offer me her extra crown of flowers, with a shy smile. As if she understood I couldn't respond normally, she just placed the crown in my hands and ran toward her teacher.
The crown of flowers full of hopes from a little girl, who made it out of flowers that were grown here in this garden full of hopes from Lady Rin. This must surely be what they labeled as "kindness"! An extremely dear and warm kind of feeling, better than a hug or a simple kiss. This... this feeling, too, one day could become happiness? If so, maybe I should share it, shouldn't hog everything good to myself. It would be selfishness and... become ugliness. Blinking at realization, a tear slipped out of my left eye. It was time for me to leave this self pitying blackness that was painted with a white color to fool myself that where I had been all up until now was all right. More than that though, I wanted to convey my feelings to everyone, so everyone could understand and hopefully forgive the me who hadn't been strong enough to admit her mistakes, her weakness. And more, more than that, I wanted to come forward and tell that guy over there what I had thought of his presence and repent for such a terrible thing. 'I was not all alone like I had thought before now, and he... his presence was shunned immediately by the depth of that soul of mine who was afraid, wasn't ready to move on, to accept.' Perhaps I should keep that all to myself; perhaps I should start off with a clean and simple beginning by coming to accept the fact that I wished to become his friend.
A nearby clock struck the hour mark and the bell started to ring. "It's that late already!" the nun hastily told the children to line up in a straight line and say their goodbyes. Under a minute, there were just me and the person whom I wanted to be friend with. For the first time, I was given a clear view of his face. So many markings. It must have hurt a lot to have them. However, what struck me the most was those seemingly distant golden eyes.
We stared at each other for a few minutes, but probably it was because I was still a child that his guarded appearance softened, and he smirked. "I won't be able to move for a while, my other foot fell asleep after this one recovered. Why don't you come here and let me place that crown on your head." He wasn't asking; he was commanding me, as if he understood too well that his words were absolute, like a lord's.
Coming toward him as far as the ground allowed me, I watched without blinking as he closed the rest of the distance in his almost-crippled-like way. He carefully reached out for the crown in my hands--no, it wasn't because he was afraid, but he was doing it for my sake, to see if I was welcoming or not. He tried to take it away, but my hands were tightly gripping it, and he looked up into my shocked eyes. That wasn't what I wanted at all, but how could I make him understand now?
"You don't want me to put it on your head?" He pulled every one of those words out as he kept lock with my gaze. I blinked. "But you came near me anyway. What do you want?"
A mouth that was deprived of sound, was it really possible for him to understand me with just feelings? But he must have already known about my disability! If he didn't, then surely the conversation couldn't have lasted this long. But then why was he asking me that question? Surely he didn't do it to be cruel. "You're not shy, just can't talk." 'He understands!' My thoughts became filled with relief.
His eyes departed from mine, and for a few seconds I thought that was the end of it all, but he surprised me; he grabbed my wrists, with all his attention glued to where we were linked, he lifted them up slowly. "I'm going to help you find your way." His eyes came back to face mine. Right now, for some unknown reason, I felt really, really safe and relax. Perhaps it was because of what he said about helping me find my way. Although I understood clearly what he meant, I couldn't help but wish his words had another meaning, the meaning I yearned for.
Like an artist trying to draw out what he envisioned, he tried and tried again with a great gentleness as he guided our hands to exactly where I desired. His eyes held amusement as he asked me with his gaze if I was certain that that was where I wanted to place the crown. What should I do? I didn't want him to figure out me so easily, but my hands and fingers were still really weak; thus, when the wind picked up, they gave and it landed perfectly on top of his head. The expression on my face must have been really priceless, because it made him smile a little when my eyes reflected his image that made me become like that. The petals happily danced around us, keeping up with the beats of the wind. For what seemed to be a really long time, we didn't talk at all, but the lighted atmosphere that surrounded us was better than any words.
I might have been just a little mad at him for interrupting the gentle silence we had come to rest at before I realized he wanted us to look the same. "Aren't you a pretty little thing." he stated after plucking one of the flowers from the crown and tucked it behind my left ear so it would stick out and looked like a hair accessory. But to such far, far away encounter with happiness, I was dumbfounded and speechless. I hoped he wouldn't take my blankness as an insult. "Relax," he said and gently patted my head. "Hey, to stop you from continuing to be this way, should I treat you to ice-cream?" he asked, but he didn't wait for my answer at all. It was like he was having a one sided conversation and tried to pass it off as his and mine. He... he probably just wanted ice-cream!
I maybe pouting at this moment, or so he told me. "You're lucky you're a girl. If you're a boy, it'll be ridiculous, that pouting antic of a spoiled child." He turned my chair around. "My leg is wearing off, but..." he trailed off, as if there was something embarrassing he really wished not to share. "Can you keep a secret, just between you and me?" Of course he didn't really want or need my answer because he continued on. "I will have to use your chair as support." It came out no louder than a whipser. Haha. Even a cool guy like him had something to hide. But I felt his weight on my chair after a few seconds, so he wasn't trying to be cute after all.
With the wind blowing, he pushed me out of the shade and into the light, and then a really strange thought came across my mind: 'With the both of us depending on each other like this, with both of us having some weakness and some hidden strengths, does it make us more closer now, since we rely on each other to move forward? Like two angels who each lost a wing, they can't fly alone, so they come together, so they can try with all their strength to ascend towards Heaven.' Even so, this was really just a temporarily weakness he bore. For me, however, it would take a really, really long time, time that he wouldn't be there for. The thought upset me a lot, but I understood that I was asking way too much of this person I only just met. He didn't owe me anything, and yet I was thinking all these bizarre things we--as in me and him--would go through and became sullen when I realized such things about me were completely irrelevant to him.
We reached the ice-cream stand and he held my right hand, guiding it once again with a great gentleness. I got a chocolate cone and he got the vanilla one. He handed them to me, and he pushed us to a bench in the shade. When we ate our ice-cream, the peace we experienced before came back, and my mood was lifted. Somehow, somewhere along the slowness I tried to finish my cone (his was already long gone), I became aware that he was too careless! He and I didn't even know each other that well and here we were eating sweets as if we had been friends since long ago. That would be added to his point of weakness, but that would only make it one down point against his other up points. For examples: he bore a pretty face, had nice clothing, had money, spoke with in an educated tone, and was kind... But his down point could be the downfall of him. No, wait, put kind to bad list. Hah! Now I couldn't possibly let him go even if my wishing to repent my crime vanished. If I did and he ran into some bad people, it would be really mean of me. 'No, Rin must not be mean to him who gave ice-cream to Rin! Ehh? This isn't good at all.' He was beginning to question me with his eyes, probably thinking I had gone nut. At moments like this, I really wanted to let him hear me say something, anything to stop his penetrating gaze.
"Hoshi-sama!" What broke me apart from his evil eyes was the voice I unfortunately became too familiar with. It was Yumida Mira and accompanying her should be her cousin Kira, my nannies. They were behind me in a few moments, and I heard a faint gasp from one of them. "Excuse us, but Hoshi-sama must take leave of your company now, sir." They must have bowed to him. He approved of it with a nod, and I couldn't believe that our time together could be shortened just like that.
My eyes tried to speak to him, to make him understand what exactly it was that I wanted. He gave a quick smirk before he reached out his hand to shake mine. "Please to meet you, Hoshi Rin. I'm Tetsusaiga Sesshomaru." That was so like him, assuming and understanding but pretended not to... Mou! I pouted, and he, stood, leaned down to my eyes level and came to whisper to my left ear a sweet, sweet promise. "Next Spring, we'll meet by our cherry blossom tree." He pulled back so his face and mine could meet and winked at me as his hand softly stroke my hair. "Thanks for today." Then, just with that, he brushed past me, taking along with him the scent of the cherry blossom, as well as the feeling I liked, the feeling that was sweeter than cherry.
At that time, I really, truthfully, I was desperately wishing, wanting him to know: 'I will hurry up and grow up so I can stand right next to you.'
sOz
oOoPaInFuLxSeCrEtSoOo
sOz
.:Inuyasha © Rumiko Takahashi
.:Song of the Seasons (altered) © Samurai Shampoo
.:Update: 7.24.08
.:Non-edited.
AN: I'm deeply sorry, everyone. Even though for the past two years I have experienced feelings that were deep enough to make me to write this, but I just couldn't continue. There were many, many drafts to this chapters, but their endings are all sad and just not the right feel for this story. Right now, I sense that it'll be all right for me to continue. Please continue to support this story.
-Many Thanks To-
broken-wings-fallen-angel
icygirl2
mysterious advisor
animegirl009
Punk Rock Miko2
x Hearts
Lovegoddess567
Krazi3-AnimeLover
Sesshy Rin 4ever