EPISODE SIX: MUD

Ford had been staying on Eroticon Six for the past few months. Having no money as such with which to buy a prostitute, he took to lying naked in the street covered in mud waiting for people to step on him. It was hardly the same. Forced to get hurt by strangers who didn't even know he was there. He missed Arthur. Sweet, timid Arthur, who never wanted to hurt him, but did so anyway out of love. They probably would never see each other again.

"Computer, where are we?"

"We are currently in orbit around the pleasure planet of Eroticon Six, home to some of the wildest prostitutes in the Galaxy."

Zaphod appeared in the doorway. "You know monkeyman, you know just how to brighten my day. How'd you hear about this place."

"Oh, I dunno. I just pushed the button and here we are." Arthur was actually quite depressed to end up here. If Ford was here, then he really wasn't the man Arthur remembered.

"All right, monkey, let's get down there and get us some tail. You know this is home to the best whore in the galaxy. You gotta meet her."

The Heart of Gold landed in the expensive district, even though the passengers had no money. The ship was just that nice. With Zaphod in the lead, they were able to walk straight into the biggest and best brothel on the planet, and, while the bouncers were still trying to get out one word, Zaphod strode up to the most famous whore in the Galaxy.

"Hiya! Remember me?"

"Zaphod Beeblebrox" crooned the gigantic whore. "I thought you had forgotten about me."

"Eccentrica Gallumbits, how could anyone ever forget you?"

"You aren't very forgettable yourself. But unfortunately, your line of credit has run out."

"Hey, baby, that's cool. I don't have money, but I think you might be interested in a trade."

"What do you have in mind?"

"You're joking!" interrupted Arthur. "You haven't got a thing to your name besides your reputation."

"Will you shut it?" Zaphod adjusted his jacket. "I'm negotiating here." He turned back to Eccentrica. "What I got for you is unique in the known universe…"

While Zaphod made his case to the giant whore, (really giant, I mean, you don't even understand! She is 12 feet tall!) Arthur took in his surroundings. Eccentrica Gallumbits' suite was composed of many giant lounges in all the sensual colors of the rainbow. On these lounges were actual live humanoids, and some non-humanoids as well.

"Um, hello," said Arthur to one of the humanoids. "What do you, um, people do, here, um?"

"We're the harem. We are Her collector's items." This one was vaguely female.

"Oh well, um, she has wonderful taste."

The female smiled at Arthur but Zaphod called him over.

"And here he is!"

Eccentrica looked skeptical. "He doesn't look like much."

"Yeah, but you'd have the only one in the Galaxy. And he's trainable."

"All right, I'll take him."

By the time Arthur realized just what they meant, one of the escorts had a collar around his neck.

"Hey! Wait!" Arthur screamed. "Zaphod! You can't leave me like this!"

Zaphod turned around as he was escorting Eccentrica to her boudoir. "Hey, it's business, monkeyman. Get used to the Galaxy."

"YOU DOUBLE HEADED PIECE OF SHIT!" Arthur wracked his brain for something that might actually make Zaphod turn around again. "Um, Belgium! BELGIUM!"

Zaphod and his whore stopped, but he didn't look at Arthur. Eccentrica spoke to her escorts only. "Make sure he gets cleaned inside and out." They began walking again.

"Sorry baby. I told you he was attached to me." Zaphod smiled, and Arthur was dragged off to a different floor in this strange play-thing mansion.

After the initial shock had worn off, Arthur supposed that it might not be so bad. He had been thoroughly cleaned, but otherwise treated kindly. His 'handlers' had the souls of Vogons, but the other 'collectibles' were quite intelligent and very friendly.

"Cheer up Arthur," one or another of them would say. "It's a nice life. Not much to do, unless She is entertaining company. Think of it as retirement."

That was one thing that grated on Arthur, how they never said their owner's name. Then again, Eccentria Gallumbits is a mouthful.

It was on the third day of Arthur's stay that Eccentrica finally took an interest in him. "Oh new pet," she called as she entered the Collected Quarters. "You haven't been trained yet. Come with me."

Arthur obediently got up, but he could help noticing the pitying faces of the other collectibles. They walked to a very sparse room, the emptiest that Arthur had seen in the building.

"Strip down," Eccentrica ordered.

Arthur hesitated, but thought to himself if he just did what she said it would all be over quicker.

"Zaphod was right, you have training potential. Spin. Good. Hmn, do you have anything special?"

"What?" Arthur though of Zaphod. "Um, no, just what you see."

"Damn. I knew that bastard was cheating me."

"Ha, how do you think I feel?"

Eccentrica glared. "You will speak only when spoken to."

Somehow, she made Arthur feel ashamed. "Sorry."

"Good. Now we will be fitting you so I may show you off today at our monthly get together."

The fitting did not go well. Arthur was a good subject, but the clothes that he was supposed to wear were not very fitting. There was hardly any fabric, and very too many buckles and straps.

"Um," was all Arthur could say during the process of getting everything to fit.

"You are larger that you appear to be on first inspection," commented Eccentrica as her escorts loosened some of the more uncomfortable harnesses. "It must be the way you carry yourself. When you walk with me, you must feel bigger than who you actually are. That is the only way you will come off as anything besides helpless. Now, take them off."

"But I thought the gathering was today," said Arthur, as he stood perfectly still while the escorts busied about him.

"It is, but due to the nature of our streets, you must walk to the gathering naked. Bathing facilities are always provided as soon as one enters, and there you may get into your costume. I am always carried by six of my personal escorts. They too are always naked."

"Um," Arthur said again, for lack of anything else to say.

As the Amazonian whore got into her transport, a leash was tied to it and attached to a collar around Arthur's neck.

"Ready?" asked Eccentrica, not expecting a reply. "Forward."

Arthur was dragged behind the fast moving sedan while trying to hold onto his vulnerable bits. Fortunately, the sedan was stopped every few minutes so Eccentrica could wave to her adoring fans.

"Well," Arthur thought to himself as he ran to keep up, "at least I don't have to carry her as well." Her special escorts were huge, muscled, eight foot tall pea-brains who dwarfed Arthur's six foot frame. It was an entirely different experience that he was used to. He was getting covered in mud, and was having a hard time not tripping over the debris when Eccentrica stopped once more. Arthur's foot got lodged in something and he went face first into the mud. He turned around to pull his foot out and saw part of a very familiar head sticking out.

"Ford?" Arthur didn't have time to say anything else before he was pulled away.

"Yes?" Ford sat up and looked around. There was Arthur being pulled behind the train of none other than Eccentrica Gallumbits.

"Oh Zark," said Ford, and began to dig himself out of the hole he had been inhabiting.