Dear Edward,
I like someone, but he's not available. His girlfriend isn't that great, and I know I could be so much better! And for fun, he writes to people looking for romance advice. Isn't that coolio?
Love Lots,
ILoveSomeoneNamedEdwardButHeIsNotYou
To ILoveSomeoneNamedEdwardButHeIsNotYou,
I have but one piece of advice for you.
DIE!
I don't know who you think you are, or indeed, who you are, but I don't ever want to speak to you again. Not that I ever have. Okay? You are not in need of my advice, so why did you even bother writing to me. Remove thyself from my presence forever more.
- Edward
Dear Edward :)
Marry me! Forget Bella, she is not good enough for you! I love you and I would never have cheated on you, unlike her when she kissed Jacob! I love you and I always will ... oh, and if you refuse, I will kill her! Jajajaja (evil laugh). Love you!
Crazy.For.You!
To Crazy.For.You,
Fuck off, you psycho bitch. I have no idea who you are and this is an advice column, not a personal ad.
- Edward
Dear Edward,
I'm deeply in love with someone. I would have confessed my feelings to him by now, but there is one teensy tiny problem: he doesn't exist. At least, not as a real existing person, but as a character. What should I do?! I've fallen too deeply in love with him to forget him, but it's impossible to love someone who you can't hold or kiss or... ARGH!
On a side note ... you need a better sex life. Seriously.
- Sally, Insane
Sally,
I strongly suggest that you visit your local pharmacy as soon as possible. Once there, go straight to the aisle that contains the sleeping pills. I want you to buy two bottles of these (though one should suffice, if you are low on cash) and take them home with you.
Once you are at your house, lock the door from the inside. Then proceed to swallow all of the pills. This should adequately cure you of all your problems.
- Edward
Dear Edward,
I'm having a slight trouble. I have these huge urges to kill people. Lately I really have been wanting to kill Mike Newton. I crave blood. I think I might be a mindless killer. I need blood.
-Gallons of the Stuff.
Bella,
Put the gun down.
- Edward.