He cared about me; I know he did. I could see it in the way he acted towards me, but he never cared enough. He liked me once; I'm sure of it, but it doesn't matter anymore. He is a boy and boys don't like anyone for more than a year. Boys don't have the patience to care about you for that long. Boys don't find you interesting enough. But most of all, boys don't like boys.
That was what Sirius Black told himself every night before he fell asleep watching Remus Lupin's chest slowly rising and falling from the little hole in his curtains. By now, the tears that usually came with "boys don't like boys" had reduced to nothing more than little flashes of heat at the corners of his eyes, the memories of Remus' actions no longer played completely and where only little clips reminding him of how happy he had been when Remus used to reach out to hug him or run his long scarred fingers through his own soft black hair, and the feeling of when he used to have Remus' beautiful entrancing eyes always following him just lightly tapped his heart instead of squeezing it so hard that he thought it would burst. Sirius patiently waited for the day that he would stop feeling anything for Remus Lupin.
But just as he thought that day had finally come, Remus came into the common room with a wide smile that had once been just for Sirius and announced joyously that the ingenious, beautiful, black-haired, blue-eyed Ravenclaw, Athena Clearwater, had agreed to go with him on the next Hogsmeade trip. James Potter bounced up and once and proudly thumped Remus on the back while Peter Pettigrew squeaked his congratulations. Then, for the first time in a week, Remus turned his large golden eyes to Sirius and stared at him hopefully. At that, Sirius' heart stopped beating and he was certain he was about to die, but Remus began to look away with disappointment. So, in order to get Remus to look at him again, he smiled enormously and cheered the loudest of them all. He was rewarded with a gentle squeeze on the shoulder and a soft, "Thank you" and an even quieter, "It means a lot."
For that little facade, Sirius Black paid dearly. He had to set up silencing charms around his bed every night before he fell asleep so that none of the other boys would hear him crying pitifully. He no longer rolled up the sleeves of his robes when it became too hot because his arms were covered with red and white scratches from his fingernails that distracted him from the painful beats of his heart. He spent as little time as he could with Remus, yet he always kept his eyes glued on him hoping that he would look away from Athena Clearwater and stare at him with those adoring eyes. But he never did.
Despite his sudden change in attitude, James seemed to have been the only one who noticed. Yet, whenever James asked what the bloody hell was wrong with him, Sirius always replied a short nothing and walked away. Once or twice, James stormed after him demanding a proper answer and wanting to know what happened to the Sirius that was his best mate and brother. Then Sirius laughed bitterly and said that that Sirius had grown up like James should have because Evans doesn't like little boys. James would then ask how Sirius would know what Evans liked, and, with a mischievous glint in his eyes that was only a fraction of what it used to be, Sirius would wink and run away as James chased after him screaming about Lily's honor.
--
On the day of the Hogsmeade trip, Sirius helped James and Peter dress Remus up. At first, the werewolf thought it was very unnecessary and tried to enforce the idea that he was old enough to dress himself, but when he found that his fingers were trembling too much from nervousness to button up his shirt, he gave in and obediently became their doll to experiment on. He thought it was quite a miracle when he was waiting at the entrance a minute early wearing a dark red shirt covered by a brown jacket and matching brown slacks with his caramel-brown hair loosely tied back (James insisted at the "autumn" colors would match the outside and make Remus seem incredibly handsome. Not that he wasn't already, he added on hastily after Remus raised an eyebrow questioningly). It was also an amazing feat when Athena didn't notice the laughter as Remus complimented her gorgeously enhanced curls that were so silky they shimmered with her every move. He was slightly afraid she might be deaf when she didn't comment on the shuffling footsteps and occasional whispers that followed them until she kissed him on the cheek and said, "Thank you" in response to his muttered, "Your hands are beautiful" when he reached out to hold her hand.
As James and Peter cracked up at the blush creeping across Remus' face, Sirius slipped away and decided his heart couldn't stand watching them anymore. He was on his way to the Three Broomsticks, when he had the terrible pleasure of knocking into Severus Snape and the pile of books in his thin hands to the leaf-covered ground. They both scowled and Sirius was about to kick a book when he saw its cover: Werewolf Identification. He laughed loudly and Severus snatched the book away.
"What are you laughing at, Black?" he asked with his eyes narrowed, ready for a fight.
"Werewolves, Snivellus? Trying to make yourself some new friends?" Sirius sneered back. "Well isn't that just too bad? He's too good for the likes of you. He's too good for anyone." His voice lowered to a desperate whisper but Severus mistook it for a threat.
"Who?" he roared in an attempt to scare Sirius, but Sirius only laughed again and walked away. "WHO?!"
"Go back to your dungeons, Snivellus," Sirius answered without missing a step. "No one wants to talk to you." Then he disappeared into the Three Broomsticks.
--
Severus Snape may have left Sirius alone that day, but as soon as school started again that Monday, he began stalking Sirius and the rest of the Marauders like his life depended on it. At first, the four of them ignored him, but when he started to get close enough to listen in on their pranks they grew very frustrated. They began hexing him whenever he got within a five-foot radius of any of them and began jinxing him if he was walking on the same path as they were. Needless to say, this made them ever-more-so popular with most of the rest of the school with the great exception of the Slytherins and Lily Evans. James Potter would have stopped to get back in the moderate graces he had been in, but he had the sneaking suspicion that Severus Snape was up to something terrible.
That something terrible was revealed only a few weeks later on the night of the full moon. Right after Remus finished dinner, he excused himself and lightly kissed Athena on the cheek. Then he went over to the Gryffindor table and muttered a few words to James before glancing out at the setting sun and leaving. As he walked out, Remus could feel the cold black eyes of Severus Snape watching him go and he only hoped that the black-haired boy wouldn't follow him. Unfortunately, Severus Snape got up five minutes later and briskly walked out of the Great Hall. It wasn't such a strange thing because most of the other people were heading up to their Common Rooms to do homework. In fact, the Marauders wouldn't have noticed if Severus hadn't been following them for the past two weeks.
Sirius, the first to notice, quickly alerted the other two and the three of them watched Severus' retreating figure as they tried to figure the Slytherin out. They brought up suggestions like, "Maybe he's finally given up" and "Maybe he's realized there's nothing to find out." It wasn't until Peter Pettigrew offered, "Maybe he has what he's been trying to figure out" that Sirius Black jumped off the table and started running after Severus Snape.
"Sirius!" James called after him, not caring that he was running too quickly for Peter to keep up. "Where are you going?"
Sirius slowed down his pace until James caught up and then ran again at full speed as he explained with haste, "To the Whomping Willow. Snape's going to find out about Remus. I bet he already knows. Fuck. James. Fuck."
James didn't pause to question how Severus found out, or how Sirius knew that Severus knew. He nodded at Sirius and increased his speed. He paused only briefly to grab a long stick before dashing to the tree that had just begun to move again. He knew that meant that Severus was almost up to the Shrieking Shack and, judging by the painful howls, Remus was beginning his transformation. He jabbed the stick into the knob on the tree and ducked into the hole, leaving the stick behind for Sirius. Then he muttered, "Lumos" and called out, "Snape! Severus Snape!"
A dark lump ahead of him stopped briefly, but then continued murmuring to itself.
"STOP!" James shouted desperately. "SNAPE STOP! You don't understand."
"Oh, I understand just fine, Potter," came a sharp reply and James was close enough to see Severus' hand resting on the handle that led to Remus' safe house.
"Don't do it," James commanded as he drew closer to Severus, but Severus grinned and turned the handle.
Immediately, there was a loud howl as the creature inside smelled the humans outside. A long snout poked out from the edge of the door and snapped at Severus. James only just managed to pull Severus away from the door and, when the wolf inside stepped back to push the door open, James took the opportunity to slam it shut. With a forced amount of calm, he muttered several charms for extra protection and shoved Severus Snape outside where Sirius Black was waiting anxiously.
As soon as the brisk autumn breeze hit Severus, he bolted for the safety of the Hogwarts school. James glared at Sirius, deeply confused, before they both ran after Severus to make sure he didn't tell anyone.
--
After explaining to Professor Dumbledore what had happened, Sirius was excused and he went to the hospital wing. Madam Pomfrey had just left to fetch Remus, so Sirius invited himself to the little room that he knew always belonged to Remus and waited.
Ten minutes later, Madam Pomfrey came in with a stretcher carrying a very beaten up Remus Lupin. She was so shocked by Sirius sitting patiently on a stiff chair in the room that she nearly dropped the werewolf. Sirius, in turn, was so surprised that he rushed over and gently picked Remus up from the stretcher. As Madam Pomfrey was about to object, Sirius looked at her with wet eyes and begged with a single word, "Please".
Having never seen Sirius Black so emotional and caring, she gave in and told him where he could find everything to treat Remus with. The only condition was that he fetch her when Remus woke up. Sirius nodded quickly and carefully placed Remus down on the bed. As soon as he let go of the other boy, he folded the blanket, the only thing covering Remus, down to his waist and gasped at the sight. The werewolf's chest was rising and falling too quickly and blood was seeping through the dozens of cuts and wounds. The few places that weren't touched by red were purple-blue or a nasty yellow.
"Remus," he whispered before he set to cleaning and dressing the wounds. When he finished with the top half, he dealt with Remus' legs where one of them had a terrible gash and he could almost see a bit of bone.
Sirius finished cleaning Remus up to the best of his ability just before the rest of Hogwarts was waking up for breakfast. Madam Pomfrey came in to shoo him out, but he turned his guilt-clouded silver eyes towards her and she caved in once more. She brought him a platter of breakfast that he didn't touch because his hands were too busy grasping Remus'. She offered him a book to read, but he refused because he needed to keep his eyes on Remus to make sure that Remus' breathing stayed as close to normal as possible and didn't ever stop. She told him that she would watch Remus so he could get some sleep, but he declined because what if Remus woke up when he was asleep or what if- Sirius couldn't even think of any other what ifs that didn't start him crying again.
At noon, she finally left him alone, and Sirius let the tears tumble out of his eyes. He kept his head buried at Remus side as he whispered over and over again that he was sorry, that it was all his fault, and that if Remus would just wake up he would keep away for good so Remus never got hurt again. Sometime during his sorries, he fell asleep with his hands gripping Remus' bandaged ones firmly and his head digging slightly into Remus' side.
Which was how Remus found him when he woke up.
--
The first thing Remus was aware of when he woke up was the amount of pain he was suffering. The last time he felt this terrible was when his mother died a week before his tenth birthday and two days before his transformation. The next thing he noticed was Sirius sleeping next to him and holding his hand much too tightly. Despite his confusion for why Sirius was there at two in the afternoon, he smiled because the last time they held hands was when Remus was telling Sirius why it couldn't be.
"Boys don't like boys," he had said despite everything he felt for Sirius when the dark-haired boy confessed his feelings for the werewolf. "It can't happen."
"Rem," Sirius had insisted as he tangled their fingers together, "I like you. If I can, why can't you?"
Remus had laughed then and shook his head as he tightly held on to Sirius. "You're just confused. Please, Sirius, don't ruin our friendship for something this light. It doesn't mean anything. It's just a phase."
Sirius had sighed as he pressed his lips against Remus forehead. "If that's what you want." Then he had let go of Remus and that's when their friendship had fallen apart, when Sirius became suddenly distant, and when Remus didn't try to bring Sirius back.
"Boys don't like boys," he whispered as he stared at the black hair splayed across his lap. It was something his father had told him when, at the age of eight, he had come home and told his father that he was going to marry Curtis Jerold. His father had boomed the words so angrily that Remus immediately took back what he said and went the next day to repeat the same thing to Curtis who then punched Remus in the face for breaking a promise.
He let Sirius doze for a few minutes before he decided that the tight grip on his hands was too painful to bear. "Sirius," he said as he tugged his hands away. "Sirius, wake up."
In an instant, Sirius was awake and the expression on his face was caught between guilt, relief, and sorrow.
"Remus!" he cried, releasing the hands and sitting up straight. "Oh Remus. Thank Merlin, you're alright."
Remus smiled a little sadly and then asked what had been bothering him for awhile. "Why weren't any of you there last night?"
Sirius started crying and Remus looked thoroughly alarmed as he explained through sobs, "It's all my fault, Remus. I didn't mean to. It was an accident, but Snape found out. That's why he was stalking us for the past couple weeks. I let it slip that one of us was a werewolf and he just had to know who it was. He's not going to tell anyone; Dumbledore made sure of that. James saved him and you. Don't worry, Remus, he's not hurt. But you," he cried even harder and reached out to brush a scratch on Remus' face. "I would have gone back to help you, but Dumbledore kept us and I couldn't-we couldn't tell him about us because what if he decided never to let us in with you ever again? Merlin, Remus, I'm sorry. I swear, if I had known, I never would have let anything slip. I would have cursed Snape so he couldn't follow you and-"
"Sirius, I-" Remus stared at Sirius with an unreadable expression and shook his head. "I think you should go."
Sirius didn't hesitate as he stood up and nodded. "Of course. I'm so sorry, Remus. I promise, I'll never bother you again. Never, never again will you get hurt because of me. I promise, Remus. I promise."
--
Truth be told, Remus didn't want Sirius to never bother him again. In fact, a month and a half after Sirius made his promises, Remus was dying for Sirius to talk to him, to even look at him again. Sirius occasionally spoke to James and Peter, but never once did he turn to Remus to smile or to recognize that he was there. If ever Sirius was stuck sitting next to Remus in class, he sat as far away as possible and Remus didn't dare move an inch closer in case Sirius and his things fell into the aisle. Once, just once when he had gone up to the dormitory and found Sirius there, he tried to talk to Sirius, but Sirius fled before he finished asking, "How are you?"
James caught onto the fact that Remus was feeling terrible and seemingly love-sick. He told Remus to get back together with Athena when Remus had broken up with her claiming that he was afraid she would find out. Honestly, Remus found that being with Athena only made him feel worse because what he felt for her was nothing compared to what he knew he had for Sirius.
After James confronted him, Peter questioned him, and Lily pestered him, Remus pulled himself together on the outside and started smiling and laughing. But whenever he did so when Sirius was nearby, he felt his heart constrict painfully because he knew he was tormenting Sirius and that was killing him. That only made him smile larger and laugh louder so no one could hear him dying inside.
It wasn't until one night he heard Sirius crying that he decided he needed to do something. As he had told James one day, Remus wasn't mad at Sirius or anything like that, it was Sirius who was alienating himself from everyone and Sirius who refused to be his friend again. But Remus didn't want Sirius to be his friend anymore, he knew that much. He wanted Sirius to be so much more, but how could he do that when Sirius didn't want anything to do with him?
--
He had gone to Severus one day and asked kindly for what exactly it was that Sirius had said. Severus had refused to give up any information and Remus stuck to him for an entire week before Severus snapped and told him what he wanted. Then Remus smiled, knowing that Sirius had never meant to give anything away and thanked Severus politely.
With his mind at ease, Remus then went to James and told him his dilemma. He deliberately kept out the part about him wanting more than friendship, though. James nodded and understood when Remus said that he would be spending less time with him and Peter, but it would be nice if they would come to the next full moon in two days. Then he asked in a whisper if they could try to persuade Padfoot to come too because Moony has been missing him something terrible.
With a week left until the winter holidays, Remus separated himself from the Marauders and began to spend more time with a rather surprised Lily Evans and her friends. Whenever she began to ask him why he didn't hang around with his friends any more, he planted a gentle kiss on her cheek playfully and said that he loved her more. And, if they were alone, she would slap him lightly, call him a tease, then wish that the words he said were really true even though she knew that he was aching for Sirius even if he never told her.
The first day Remus did this, Sirius seemed rather surprised that James and Peter sat down next to him at breakfast. He tried to detach himself from them, but they wouldn't let him and quickly, too quickly he thought, he fell back to being a Marauder. It felt odd without Remus, but the werewolf seemed to be enjoying himself with Lily and her friends, so he didn't ask what was going on.
The next day during Transfiguration (James thought it was quite the appropriate class), James cautiously brought up the subject of the full moon and Sirius tensed. Then he said, "Moony has been missing you something terrible. With Wormtail and me there, he doesn't hurt himself quite as much, but he still does and I know that if Padfoot were there, he would start playing more just like he used to."
Sirius glanced over at Remus who was watching Professor McGonagall change a quill into a hummingbird and then looked back at James worriedly. "What if I do something to hurt him? What if Moony feels like I've betrayed him and-"
"Remus might be smart, mate, but Moony doesn't feel that deeply," James reassured with his hand on Sirius arm. "Moony only knows that a member of his pack is missing and he doesn't know why."
Sirius bit his lower lip as he snuck another glimpse of Remus. He thought that those golden orbs that had been haunting him in his sleep caught him, but they were really only staring at Lily and laughing at the humming bird that had a quill nib for a beak. "Alright, mate." He smiled. "I'll be there."
That night had been heaven for the wolf who spent as much time as he could next to Padfoot. At first, Padfoot had tried to keep his distance, but he quickly gave up when Moony wouldn't stop nudging his side in an attempt to get him to play. Then he enjoyed himself immensely teasing Moony and fighting playfully with him. He missed the feeling of being free like this so much and he relished in the fact that all eyes seemed to be on the both of them yet their moments seemed so intimate.
The third morning, Sirius stayed behind in James' invisibility cloak and followed Madam Pomfrey and the conscious Remus to the Hospital Wing where he was released promptly. He sighed and tried, for the rest of the day, to keep a smile off his face, but failed rather miserably.
The fourth day, Sirius signed up to stay over the break and tried to wheedle James and Peter into staying as well when he saw Remus' name on the list. He even attempted to make Lily stay, but she glared at him and charmed his hair green when he wouldn't leave her alone. She told the story to Remus who laughed and thanked her for doing this. Then she looked at him a little sadly and said, "Be careful, Remus. I don't know what you're thinking, but please don't get hurt." He nodded and then she whispered, "I love you, Remus." He smiled endearingly at her and hugged her tightly. "You know I love you too, Lily. For your sake, I'll stay safe."
The fifth and sixth day passed without anything too exciting occurring aside from a few end of the year pranks from James, Peter, and Sirius that involved a couple of nifflers, a giant orange stocking that snarled at whoever tried to get up to the tallest Astronomy Tower, and an odd potion that was dumped into the pumpkin juice of the Slytherins that caused them to burst into song every half-hour.
The seventh day came around and everyone said good-bye and happy holidays. Lily and Remus hugged again before James came around and asked if Lily would grant him a hug too. She kicked him in the shin and stormed off before Remus offered a hug in place of Lily. James thought about it for a moment and decided to take it. Then he said, "Good luck," and boarded the Hogwarts Express after Lily. Peter quickly ran up to Remus and smiled broadly. He threw out a "Happy holidays" and "I'll see you when we get back. I'll get Aunt Mable to make some of that fudge you like" before calling after James to wait for him.
When the winter holidays began the next day, Sirius found it rather awkward to keep away from Remus when they were the only ones around. So slowly, very very slowly, he started spending more time with Remus. He had expected to be pushed away immediately, but Remus invited him to join him on the couch and read a book with him.
One day, after a couple days of awkward moments together, when they were in front of the fire reading a muggle book of fairy tales, Remus leaned against him and Sirius was about to jump back when he realized that Remus had fallen asleep. Sirius smiled despite himself and shut the book. He summoned a blanket and laid it over Remus before he adjusted himself to be in a more comfortable position. After watching Remus sleep peacefully, he shut his eyes and told himself that he would wake up before Remus did.
But he didn't.
Remus stirred and found himself peacefully resting in Sirius hold. He grinned, knowing that he was almost there.
"Sirius," he whispered, pressing gently against Sirius' chest. "Sirius." He rested his head in the crook where Sirius' neck met his shoulder.
He felt Sirius stir beneath him and he brought his arms around the other boy so that when he freaked out, Remus would still be holding on to him. As expected, Sirius started frantically trying to get away while muttering, "Promised. I can't. You can't get hurt. Remus."
"Sirius, shut up," he demanded into the flesh that his mouth was pressed again and Sirius stopped moving. Then he lifted his head up and pressed his forehead against Sirius. He stared into the confused silver eyes and smiled very gently before bringing their mouths together in a soft kiss.
Sirius barely had a chance to respond when Remus lifted away. He wanted to pull Remus back down to him, but he wanted an answer first. "What about 'boys don't like boys'?" he asked cautiously.
"It's okay," Remus replied, his breath dancing along Sirius' waiting lips. "It's okay because I don't like you. I love you and my father never said boys couldn't love boys."
"Then," Sirius grinned and Remus saw the life in them light up instantly, "it must be okay for me to love you too."
"Must be," Remus muttered back before he leaned down for another kiss.
He is a boy and boys don't like boys. Which is perfectly fine, because it's okay for boys to love boys. And, I'll never hurt him because he'll never hurt me. And we'll be happy forever and have a happy ending just like everyone else. So who cares if boys don't like boys?
--
A/N: So I decided that instead of updating How to Catch and Keep a Remus Lupin I would write a short story because I'm sourly upset that someone stole the back wheel of my bike but I'm delighted that I got to see the Dark Knight. Anyway, I didn't have an ending planned for this, so you get a horrifically cheesy one. And it's 11:30 pm. Also, I would like to see if there are two of you who would be interested in editing a story for me, an original story. I'll probably make a chapter for HTCAKARL (try saying that ten times fast) for Wednesday and ask again for editors. And yes, I am assuming that if you're reading this you have read HTCAKARL. If you haven't, well then, I hope you have enjoyed this story. :D