Chapter Nine: Different
Something has changed about him. I noticed it when he sent me those emails on Thanksgiving. And ever since that night when I drove him home from the airport, he seems nervous around me. He can't look me in the eyes when we talk anymore. And now I have to talk to get him talking when we go out to lunch. The Mac Taylor I used to know never acted like that. And the more I think about it, something must have happened between him and Peyton during his stay in London.
If I'm ever talking to another one of the investigators and he's walking down the hallway, he'll quickly glance at me and then turn the other way before I can get a chance to call his name. His actions have raised my suspicion, and I wonder if he's beginning to develop a liking for me, more than just liking me as his friend. And then it hits me. The letter.
As night comes to the city, I tell Mac I'm going home early, and he doesn't question it. I don't speed, but I drive faster than I normally would. I slam the car door closed and fumble with my keys as I unlock the door. I rush to the pile of letters on my desk—I should really get to organizing them—and sort through the letters until I find the one I'm looking for. I reread it again and again, and now it finally makes sense to me.
I love that you're my best friend, but to love you as you love me, I couldn't do. Please, Stella, understand what I'm trying to say.
He…he lied. He thinks…
I take the letter and run back outside, to my car. When I arrive back at the crime lab, I find him in the same place, sitting at his desk. He looks up at me with concern. "Is everything all right?"
I nod and then throw the letter on his desk. "You, Mac Taylor, lied to me."
He doesn't say anything, making him look guilty, so I assume he knows what I'm talking about.
"You do like me," I say. "More than a friend."
He picks up the letter and quickly looks at it. He looks up at me and says, "I might."
I sit down in the chair across from him. "It's okay if you like me."
He nods. But as I look at him, I see tears forming in his eyes. Then I think. Peyton…
"But you don't know who you love more," I say for him.
Again, he nods. Instead of watching him cry, I walk over to his side and envelop him into a hug. I can't stand to see him like this, accusing him of lying to me seemed like a cruel thing to say to him. I can't find any words to comfort him, for I start to cry as well.
"I'm sorry, Stella," he sobs. "I didn't mean to lie to you."
"You didn't lie," I say. "You said exactly how you felt in that letter. There's nothing you need to apologize for."
I hear the door open, and I immediately shake my head to Danny, who was about to hand Mac a file. He understands and leaves the room without question. I hold on tighter to the detective, wanting so badly to have never mentioned the letter. To see Mac Taylor cry was heartbreaking to me. I know now he has feelings for me, but he also had feelings for Peyton. He seemed confused and troubled, and the image of him like this would never escape my mind.
I tell Mac that he should go home, but he refuses. I don't try to convince him, so I leave his office, letting him to some time alone. Danny is waiting for me outside, and he asks, "Is Mac okay?"
I shrug. "Just leave him be. He's not going to want to talk about it."
Danny nods and allows me to be alone. But I'm not alone for long.
"I knew something had changed about him. Ever since Thanksgiving had he acted differently. He's in such a confused state, thinking about whether or not he loves Peyton or me. I'm not mad at him, I mean, how could I be? Seeing the man crying like that, it's such a dreadful sight. He hasn't ever cried in front of me before. And that makes me sad."
Lindsay nods, she seems to finally be lost of words. Maybe hearing that her boss had cried was hard for her to handle. Maybe she's finally had enough of hearing everything that happens between Mac and me. And as she turns away, I think she has had enough. I nod myself, and come to the decision to leave the crime lab for the night. When I get home, the image of Mac crying replays again and again in my head, and when I've cried all the tears out of me, I finally fall asleep.