CHAPTER FIVE
Unable to sit and needing to prepare for whatever fate Alex will hand him, Bobby grabs his coat. His hands tremble as he waits to see what she'll do. Please, his mind whispers, please let this be over soon... I know now that I can't be in limbo any longer...
Can't put this off any longer, Alex decides. Mustering her willpower to control her hands, she takes her coat, quietly informing Bobby, "I'll drive." Good... I kept my tone even, like it's no big deal. That'll keep others from talking for now...
Bobby's eyes dart over at her before he can stop them. She's not looking at me, but otherwise seems... normal... Calm... Several answers pass through his mental scales, but he settles on a whispered, "You sure?" You really want to be around me... or just planning to let me down privately...?
Alex hears the concealed hesitation, the uncertainty. Damn, she curses herself, how could I let my anger lead to this...? "Yeah," she softly answers, sensing Deakins' eyes on them even from his office, "we need to talk."
He watches her a moment, then swallows hard. "Okay." I sound like a frog...
The walk to the SUV is deathly silent, as is the ride. Bobby expects that the ride will be quiet; the odds that she'll bring up something this personal while driving are slim. But she might start it before driving... Whatever it might be... The possibilities make him tense.
Alex remains silent through the whole drive since she doesn't trust herself to speak until they're in a place that they feel secure in. Damn you, Alex, she scolds herself, for letting this go so far...
Nothing... Nothing yet... The thought doesn't comfort Bobby; waiting is making it seem worse than it could be. Worse than I hope it is... Then she pulls up to her apartment building, popping his eyes wide. This, his mind murmurs, could be either good or bad...
Alex's silence continues through parking and going up to his door. Even once they're inside, her body refuses to even take a hint to unwind. Breathe, Alex, she tells herself, breathe... He's more nervous than you are, and he needs reassurance... Alex sighs and pulls off her coat, tossing it on the kitchen counter, hoping to shed some anger through the actions. Her feet carry her to the kitchen, and her hands start the actions needed to make hot chocolate.
It's starting, Bobby interprets from her actions. She's bracing herself through preparing her known comfort drink... He gets in a deep breath, and removes his coat to reciprocate. Unable to stand the silence any longer, he clears his throat. Not bothering to hand up his coat, he drops it on the table next to the kitchen, near her coat. "I'm listening," he whispers, just loud enough to carry. Please tell me my fate, he thinks as he feels his heart ready to break.
Started by his tone, Alex's thoughts take several seconds to organize themselves. He... He thinks, she slowly realizes, I'm dumping him... "No, Bobby," she blurts in shock. Catching herself, she puts down the spoon she grabbed for mixing, and briskly walks to his side. "I'm not leaving," she insists, forcing her volume to conversation level even as the words spill out and her hands fidget. "I'm sorry I said anything to suggest that I'd end what we've started, because I don't want to."
Her desperation sends Bobby's mind into disarray, but her racing over leaves him breathless for a few seconds. What the hell...? She-she thinks she did something wrong... "Whoa, whoa," he interrupts, grasping her hands gently. "Alex, you have nothing to apologize for," he insists as his insides start feeling again. "I hurt you, scared you. You had every right to snap at me."
Yes, Alex silently admits, but the knowledge isn't comforting. "But I shouldn't have let it show so much," she declares, lowering her eyes when they feel to weighted to look up. "It nearly got us in trouble."
That freezes Bobby, except for his blink rate, which momentarily increases. Oh, no... He finds his voice, barely able to produce a whisper. "How close did he come to guessing...?"
Knew he'd notice what happened... Alex hangs her head. Maybe, she thinks, he was right to be so worried about this... Swallowing, she whispers, "Captain's... noticed changes in our behavior."
I was right... The knowledge isn't validating; it just makes his body feel like he's on a heavy gravity world. "What," he forces out in a choked whisper, "did he say that he saw?"
Alex swallows hard, keeping down the shaking in her throat. Her spirits rallied fine to face her boss, but they're AWOL where this is concerned. "Basically that... our manner of communicating has changed slightly, that we're around each other more often, and..." Clearing her throat, she forces out, "He saw my anger at you, and that triggered his questions." And he asked about... She slams the thought back, clenching her eyes shut. No, she yells at herself, don't even go there!
Watching her face, Bobby senses that Alex is struggling with something. But, he asks his profiling instincts, with what? Will she even think of telling me...?
She senses him tense further, and her heart sinks, misinterpreting the reaction. No, Bobby, don't blame yourself! "He swore it's so subtle," she hastily adds, "that he doubts anyone else has noticed."
You're taking too much on yourself, Alex... The thought prods Bobby to pull her against him, into the warmest hug he can manage.
Alex falls against him, sighing loudly. Thank you, her mind breathes as she wraps her arms around his waist, for being so thoughtful, Bobby... Even when you're hurting...
If this were just about him, Bobby wouldn't care about rumors; he knows that practically everyone thinks he's crazy, so he works on not paying attention, not caring. But, he silently amends, people bandying gossip about Alex around... That I can't stand... Clearing his throat to revive it, he places his cheek gingerly on the top of her head, whispering, "Did he say what he suspected?"
Despite the situation, Alex smiles slightly, nuzzling against his chest. "Cap plays things too close for that. His poker mask was on full strength, so I can't be sure what he thinks." Her mind's eye produces the image of Deakins' penetrating stare, his words, and posture. He suspects far more than I'm comfortable with... "But he's giving the rumors more credit than he was before..." At least, her mind adds in a whisper, now...
God, Bobby feels, I'm an idiot. It's my fault we're in this mess.. Inhaling deeply to stabilize his insides, he breathes into her hair, "Well, what did you say?"
Alex tightens her arms around him, her voice about halfway between normal and a whisper. "I... told him that you're... coping." She lifts her head, forcing his to raise. When their eyes meet, she stresses, "That I've been there for you. I assured him that you'll be fine. That we'll be fine."
Bobby exhales, body relaxing as he tightens their embrace, cheek gently dropping back against her head. She's staying, his mind breathes in awe. She's staying...
The feelings from earliar surge through Alex's body, taking all the warmth from her and constricting her breathing. "God, Bobby," she chokes, arms reflexively tightening around him, "I thought I'd see you die..."
Echoes, Bobby thinks, of two weeks ago... Feeling her shiver extend into his body, Bobby gently guides her to the couch silently. Their walk takes over a minute; they're holding each other so tightly that each can only shuffle their feet a bit at a time. Once seated, he guides her head to rest against his shoulder, waiting for her to move her arm out of the way before he leans them against the cushions. Please, let me help you...
Her mind inventories where they're touching as they rest. It's not close enough, she feels. I need more contact... Alex grabs his shoulders, pulling herself onto her knees so she can wrap her arms around his neck and press her cheek against his. The result is her being draped over him, sitting on his lap as she breathes against his neck.
Her movements make his whole being freeze solid. It feels dangerously close to how they were almost two weeks ago. Actually, Bobby realizes once he comes out of the daze, this could be more dangerous... We're both fully aware... Still, his arms instinctively wrap around her.
Ah... The smell, Alex sighs, of comfort... With the combined scent of Bobby and the hints of his morning routine filling her nose, the anger and frustration of the day slowly start melting out of her. I forgot that a day like this one makes me want to cuddle for hours...
Feeling her relax and snuggle closer, Bobby releases the breath he didn't realize he was holding. Okay... So this helps her feel better... It takes all his willpower to not squirm as the involuntary reactions start. Yet his chest also holds a growing sense of calm, born from knowing that he hasn't screwed up completely. Guess I shouldn't protest... too much...
Slowly realizing he's still tense, Alex feels some of it transfer to her. Can't delay this any longer... "Bobby," she whispers into his neck, unable to meet his eyes yet, "I'm sorry I let this be so obvious to the Captain." You wouldn't be this way... We wouldn't be like this...
Don't blame yourself, his mind whispers, please, Alex... He feels like an iron lump has appeared in his throat. "I'm sorry," he chokes, "I gave you reason to be mad."
Bobby, her mind groans, this isn't the time for your nerves... She releases one hand to touch his cheek, gently pulling his gaze to hers. Softly, yet demanding his full attention, she asks, "Do you think I'd be so mad if I didn't love you so much?"
His fingers fidget as he tries to find a response. No, you wouldn't be... Shame falls over him like a waterfall, drenching him. I'm a weak man, his mind despairs as his head starts hanging, completely unworthy of her...
Alex watches the play of emotions on his face, and a familiar weight materializes in her chest, a heaviness she feels whenever someone she loves is hurting. He's over-berating himself again... "Bobby," she urges, using her hand to coax him to look up, "whatever you're telling yourself, please stop it."
Her words, so like when she first started sticking around off-duty, suddenly release the voice of the Drill Sergent who trained Bobby when he entered the army through the barrage of thoughts. That big man kept telling them one thing. Confront your fears, or they will destroy you. It was very easy to follow it in the army, and he's applied it to many circumstances in life. Some areas he can't yet gather the courage to do that.
But this is his partner, his friend, his... love. The one person who's stood by him when he's been at his worst in the last three years. What they've built is too important to allow what happened – what he did on to prove something about the perp – to destroy it. Embarrassed, he lets her hand raise his eyes to hers, whispering, "I'm an idiot, aren't I?"
An exhale bordering on a snort comes out her nose. "You did an idiotic thing," she quietly corrects, a tiny smile over his predictable response. Sadly predictable, her mind adds. "Not the same as being an idiot." The smile disappears, and her eyes mist over. Even if I want to scream at you over forgetting what I told you...
Seems like I'm one when it comes to this... Bobby almost literally bites his tongue to stop the retort; it won't do either of them any good. However, he immediately detects sadness growing inside her. I did this to her... I have to make a promise... and keep it. "Alex," he murmurs, putting their foreheads lightly together, "I... I can't promise I won't think of risky actions, but I will stop and think of you." He forces an inhale, to get the next words out. The important ones, he feels. "Knowing there's someone who cares... It's bound to change how I think eventually..." Because I've been alone for so long...
Alex takes a deep breath. That took you a lot to decide on, her gut thinks, and even more to say. "That's all I ask," she sighs, putting their foreheads together and sliding her hand back around his shoulders.
That... was enough...? The situation's so new to Bobby that he can't shake the unease in his chest. I'm gonna feel like I'm treading water for months... "Are we okay?" The words barely escape his mouth, with just enough air to be audible.
"Yeah." Alex slowly smiles, all remaining frustration from the day melting from looking at his eyes. Amazing we could do a complete turnaround in one day, yet manage to clear more things between us... "We're good," she breathes, sinking her face against his neck again.
Thank you, God... Bobby's arms tighten marginally, increasing the contact with her. I was so sure after whatever the Captain said...
The thought draws him back to what allowed this conversation. Deakins' suspicions. Shit... "Uh... Alex," he stammers, "how are we going to get Cap off our backs?"
She stiffens. Damn... I'd forgotten about that... Alex groans silently against his skin. How could that slip my mind so easily? Oh, wait... I'm snuggling against Bobby. That's how. "I guess do at most a little more than we used to, and remember that we're friends and partners on duty." She pauses, thinking about how to phrase the rest. "And if either of us gets angry over something the other does on – or off – the job, we find a way to get the brunt of the feelings out of our systems before we go around others."
Bobby ponders the idea for several seconds. Finally, he nods his assent. "Oh," he adds, a bit closer to conversation level, "if you want to punch me, you have blanket permission."
A snort escapes Alex's throat before she can stop it. "Oh, the thought has occurred to me," she admits, a hint of humor in the otherwise matching tone, "but it wouldn't solve anything." Pulling back enough to look at his eyes, she suggests, "I think better would be to take some minutes to verbally hash it out. Since we're gonna be looking at records and just asking around Hudson, we have time to figure out the details."
That's right... We do... "Okay," he replies, his anxiety leaving him alone for another rare moment. "I can handle that."
Good... Alex smiles. This makes our biggest non-work task easier. "Meanwhile, we just do what we've been doing, and eventually, Captain might drop the subject. It helps that our norm is unusual."
A smile crosses his face. Productive days and quiet nights with the most amazing person in my life... Maybe there is a personal benefit to being the way I am... "Yeah," he mutters, finally seeing some humor in the moment, "we don't want to have to explain anything, do we?"
--
Ralph Bannerman leans forward in his chair, folding his own hands as he freely states, "I fixed a race at Belmont, and I used this computer program to make it look legit." A casual, matter-of-fact answer to Carver's question. Shrugging down into his hands, he leans back in his chair, saying, "That's it."
No, Alex thinks, it's not it. Resisting the urge to tap her fingers against the table, she rests one hand on her thigh to control her responses better. Her tone as pointed as her gaze, she demands, "How'd you fix the race?"
"No," Bannerman's lawyer, Frank Kastner, interrupts, putting a hand up, "that comes later, after we hammer out a deal."
Apparently, Bobby thinks while leaning against the edge of the mirror, you're not noticing how your client's entire face went blank... "Well," he asks, pulling a folded hand free to gesture, "can you at least tell us where you found the computer program?"
Life immediately returns to Bannerman's face. "From this Oriental chick I met in Atlantic City. I noticed her counting cards in the casino. I threatened to turn her in unless she would," he adds, leaning against the table like a bragging guy, "uh... you know, come up to my room."
Liar, Alex and Bobby think at the same moment. Penny would've left her winnings before going anywhere with you...
Even Carver – an expert at being the devil's advocate – is dubious; he's been filled in too much about the case. Seems inconsistent, he feels, with what the investigation has found.
"I told her about my association with racing," Bannerman continues, gesturing slightly with a hand, "and she told me she was working on this betting program. We decided to work together. But as soon as I got the program from her, I didn't need her. So..." He trails off and pulls back again, obviously believing himself to be convincing. Kastner, however, looks guarded. Yet he doesn't protest his client hinting at involvement in the murder.
Are we supposed to think that you got rid of her? Bobby shakes his head. You don't have the front to work with anyone like that, let alone kill her... Slowly bringing his eyes to look at Bannerman, Bobby deliberately suppresses almost all of his skepticism. "Um... Penny? She had a very thick Koren accent," he adds, pushing himself off the wall. He pauses, aiming to throw Bannerman further off guard. "Did you have trouble understanding her?"
Bannerman's eyes lift toward the ceiling, face again blank. Then he recovers himself, moving back into his story mode "Yeah... at first. But I got used to it," he finishes, shrugging. Again, Kastner looks a little concerned, but pushes it back when it's obvious his client has nothing more to say.
He never heard it... We're being delayed... Alex nods, feigning acceptance as she turns to exchange a glance with Bobby. His eyes are so focused on evaluating Bannerman that she barely spots a flicker of acknowledgment. Figures, her mind sighs, he'd be that way...
Leaning back, releasing a small nod of his own, Bobby stares at Bannerman. Harris sent you, but where did he find you? You made the bets the day after we talked with Harris. How did he know you?
Kastner interrupts his thoughts, first with an offering hand motion and then with a business casual tone. "We'll discuss your offer, and, uh, we'll get back to you next week."
Carver's eyes bug out. "Next week?" His stunned voice releases his principal thought: Did I hear that correctly? "We can resolve this today."
As Carver protests, Bobby pushes himself up. Take up our time... Distract us from the real perp... Are you in on it, Mr. Kastner...?
"I'm going to the islands. I'll be back Tuesday," Kastner shrugs, closing his briefcase as he stands. "We'll let you know then."
The announcement is greeted by total silence. Kastner even looks up, as if puzzled. Bobby stares him down until Kastner guides his client out of the room, escorted by an officer. After waiting several seconds for them to be gone, Alex glances at Bobby. "I'll check Kastner's history," she quietly states, pushing herself up and out.
Carver collects his briefcase from the table. "Why," he ponders as he and Goren trail behind, "would anyone not want to get a deal over with right away? It doesn't help your reputation."
"Bannerman's a diversion," Bobby declares with quiet confidence. Time, he thinks while buttoning his jacket, to regroup. Again... "He never met Penny Chai. They threw him at us to buy time." Meaning, he silently adds, Harris. Monroe isn't capable of such deception.
Making sure he doesn't run into any rushing detectives or officers, Carver can't spare Goren a dubious look. "Harris and Monroe are awfully sophisticated," he remarks skeptically, "for a couple of frat boys."
Finally... Nearly smirking, Alex points to her computer. "Got him – a list of Kastner's past clients," she crows, bringing up the graphical version of the list she found.
The news propels Bobby to her other side, Carver trailing over to the closer one. After the six photos finish loading, Bobby's lips become a thin line, noting the association line below each name. "All members of the Israeli mob. Bannerman's probably in hock to them," he speculates to both. "Playing patsy is his way of paying off his debt."
Can this be for real...? Carver stares back and forth between Goren and the screen. "Israeli mob's behind this scam?"
Bobby shrugs, waving a hand to the monitor. "They are now." He pauses, putting together this development. "Ken Harris felt us closing in on him. The normal man would quit, but not him." Pushing himself up, he shakes his head. Harris really doesn't feel fear... "No, instead, he partners up with the most vicious criminals he can find, raising the stakes because... well, it's his nature."
Deakins walks up at that moment, Mr. Cooley of the State Racing Board on his heels, and overhears Bobby's comments. The two men – who've spent the last few moments arguing over how important this lead is – freeze solid when they see the association lines for each photo.
"Harris must think he's invincible," Alex states in disbelief as she stares at the papers in her hands, "or he wouldn't hook up with the Israelis. And what kind of a father puts his family at risk like that?"
"One who either doesn't really care," Deakins responds, a growl tinging his breath, "or one who thinks that nothing will touch his family since he's around." Which doesn't account for what if you're not... I started preparing for that chance before my eldest was born...
Carver examines the mug shots on Eames' screen for a few more seconds, and shakes his head. "I need to check on Kastner's recent cases, see how they ended. Let me know when you find something to tie Harris more conclusively to this scam. Like how they fix the races," he adds, walking out. Mr. Cooley, as if sensing he's not going to get anything done at One Police Plaza, follows.
As the ADA and the Racing Board man depart, Deakins decides to go on a round to check on the status of several cases. It's a habit he's picked up from his last posting before taking command of a unit.
It also allows him to observe potential trouble spots without being noticed. And there is one that needs frequent checking. They might know I'm watching, he muses, but I need to see how they behave after yesterday...
Eames and Goren have both moved to his desk, talking about Bannerman and how they can find the missing pieces of the case. Distance between them, Deakins notes as he moves from one set of desks, looks like what I saw before... No tension... More talking, but this is a stage where you need to discuss the details...
He watches from a distance – through the corner of his eye – as Eames moves back to her desk, rifling through some papers as Goren asks her a question. Her answer draws Goren over, with papers of his own, and she sits to check other papers.
Deakins turns his full attention back to the file at hand. Okay, he decides as he closes the folder, so they're all under control. "Give me a status update in a hour," he tells Brayder, who nods before making a phone call.
When Deakins turns to his office, he sees Goren point at the screen with his pen, talking the whole time, and then Eames dialing someone while her partner moves back to his own desk, checking some detail. Looks like a lead, Deakins muses. Good. Maybe we'll see this case closing within a day or two.
He passes their desks from several feet away, and neither seems to notice. So, he considers as he approaches his office, they spend two weeks acting closer than before. Then they're tension-ridden after talking with the probable perp, and now they're back to their old behavior – with hints of the being closer part – all in the space of twenty-four hours. And no changes to that in the past three days...
Grimacing, he walks to his desk. What the hell's going on between them? There's definitely more to it than Alex admitted to the other night. Should I be worried? Scratch that. Yes, I should be worried. This is my best team. And they look like the rumors could be true... now. Deakins knows that two years ago, all the rumors hinting at that possibility were laughable. Alex, he distinctly remembers, had barely learned to tolerate him then...
The question he faces is, if they have crossed that line, what does he do? The regs are very clear on that part. However, James Deakins has skimmed past and tip-toed around the regs when he found it necessary to getting a job done.
Which translates to finding out the truth, and keeping the good people who uncovered it on the force.
I don't know anything for certain, he reluctantly admits. Sitting, his hands pull over reports to check and sign, but he can't let go of the thoughts; the habits of a few decades of looking out of trouble can't be turned off easily. Do I even want to know? So long as they're behaving like they are today...
Deakins sinks deeper into his chair in the face of that possibility, momentarily forgetting the reports. Could I do that? Turn a blind eye as long as I can maintain plausible ignorance...? But how long would that last? What if a perp – or some envious NYPD member – decides to investigate?
Noticing that the activity level has increased at their desks, solid proof of a four-alarm lead, Deakins exhales slowly and throughly. There has to be a solution to this. Especially if they can act like nothing happened just days ago...