Chapter 12

Destiny, fate… god, how I hate it! I hate those words. I hate them. They always find some way, no matter how complex, to laugh at my face… to laugh at my suffering and pain. You could lose the baby. Those words haunted me like an echo that was stubborn enough to ring in my ear until we arrived home.

The moment I stepped in the house, I shouted- in anger, pain, and desperation. You could lose the baby. "GOD DAMN IT!" I shouted, fresh tears falling from my eyes. "Aaaaaggghh!"

"Honey, please, don't…" Asuka pleaded, her voice weak and vulnerable.

"I can't take it anymore!" I exclaimed, "Why does it have to be us? Why is it that we can't be happy for once? Why does fuckin' destiny have to kill off all our god damn children?"

"Edo…" Asuka murmured, tears falling from her eyes. "Please, stop…"

"Aaaargh!" I shouted, "God damn it! I hate this! I HATE THIS!" I rammed my fists on the dining table.

"Edo…" Asuka cried, not knowing what else to do, "Please…"

"It's not fair…" my voice finally softened, "it's not fair… no…" My heart sank, and everything was all a blur. I slumped to the chair, dropped my head on the table, and began to cry and moan, frustrated that there was nothing else I could do.

"Oh honey…" Asuka muttered, placing her arms around me. "Honey…" She began to cry.

"I'm sorry…" I said, wiping away my tears and hers, "I just… I just needed to let it all out… it was all building up inside…"

"I understand." She said. "And I don't blame you… I don't blame anyone, but…" she shut her eyes tight and cried, "I'm so scared, Edo!"

I hugged her tight, as if something bad would happen if I'd let her go. "We'll get through this… we will, I promise…" my voice was trembling, and my body was about to collapse. "Don't worry, Asuka… We'll get through this… together." I kissed her forehead. She continued crying and moaning.

"Tell me everything will be alright," She pleaded, "Just tell me."

Tears started to form around my eyes again. I couldn't speak.

"Edo, please… you… you were always the one who knew everything… you always held me in your arms and whispered in my ear that everything will be alright… please… I need you to do that right now… please…"

"Asuka…" my voice faltered, "I'm… I'm not sure if-"

"Just tell me!" Asuka exclaimed, crying. "I don't want to know the truth! I know that you don't know… please… just tell me… I just need a little reassurance…"

"I don't want to lie to you," I began.

"Edo…"

"Our…" I tried my best to sound strong and sure, "Our baby… he's strong. He'll get through this. And… and we'll get through this too. And in the end, we'll be…" I sniffled and sighed. I couldn't take it anymore.

"…a family," Asuka managed to say. "A family… a very happy family."

"Yeah," I agreed, allowing a smile to appear on my face, "It'll be the three of us. You, me, and… and-"

"-David," Asuka finished, "I want him to be named David."

"David," I repeated, not knowing how on earth she got that name, "David will get through this and he'll be in our arms in no time. You'll see."

She sighed and presented a weak smile. "I hope so."

"I hope so too."

"I love David."

"I love him too."

"I don't want him to go… I don't want him to end up just like his siblings…" her voice trembled again, and she started to cry again, "I don't want him to leave us…"

"He won't." I reassured.

"Oh Edo!" she said, "I'm so scared… I'm scared to death…"

"Ssh. It's alright. Don't think about it." I said, caressing her face. "Don't worry…"

"It's just so overwhelming…"

"I know…" I said, "But hey. David's still inside you. He's still alive. The band hasn't attached yet. Didn't you hear what the doctor said? He's healthy."

"But that stupid band is inside me too!" she exclaimed. "Do you have any idea how hard it is to know that something inside me could kill this baby? I feel that there was something I did wrong… something I ate, or… or something!" she cried hard and held me tight. "It's my fault, Edo… I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault." I said.

"Yes, it is!" she pushed, "I'm useless! Look at me! We've been married for 2 decades and I still haven't given you a child! I'm surprised you haven't filed a divorce…"

"What?" I couldn't believe my ears. "Asuka, you're going way too far. The stress is getting to you… c'mon, let's just go to bed and everything will be al-"

"No!" she shouted, breaking free from my embrace. She stood up and looked at me, as if preparing to scold me for something I did wrong. "This isn't fair! To me, to our baby, but mostly, to you!" she began, "Please… please, I feel so bad for letting you down… so…" she held her breath, then let out a long, nervous sigh, "I'm giving you permission to… to bed other women."

"What?" I shouted. I stood up and walked towards her. She took a few steps back. I said, "Are you crazy? Why would I do that?"

"Because they're all better than me," she said, "Don't you see? There's so much more women more fertile than me, and I bet they could give you a child in no time," she began to cry even more, "I don't care if you love me, just… just leave."

"No!" I said, trapping her with my embrace. "No, I'll never do that. I married you. And we'll get through this together… and someday, we'll look back and laugh at how miserable we are now, because we're going to be happy with a healthy baby."

"And what if we don't?" she trembled, "What if this is just another miscarriage? What if I just keep on getting a miscarriage? I might as well call myself barren!"

"Don't say that!" I exclaimed.

"But you care, don't you?" she said, "You care about having a child. You love kids. You want your own."

"We can always adopt," I proposed.

"It's not the same, Edo. You know that… It's not the same if you have your own child, someone who has your eyes, your laugh, your smile…"

"But the baby won't die," I said, "The only way it would die is when the band attaches to the umbilical cord."

"And what if it attached to David's limbs?" Asuka asked, "Our baby may be alive, but he's… not normal."

"So what?" I exclaimed, "I don't care. I'll still love him. And I know you would, too. And that's all that matters, right?"

"But what about the kids at school?" she asked, "He'll be bullied, and unwanted, and he'll have no friends!"

"No, that won't happen either," I defended, "Just because he's different doesn't mean the other kids would hate him."

"Most of them will." Asuka said.

"Well… there's also that chance that the band doesn't attach at all." I said.

"Yeah… but how likely is that? The band can attach at any time, at any hour, at any second, within the duration of nine months," she stopped, then continued, "What if my movements would make the band more likely to get its claws on our baby?" she wept.

I caressed her. "Asuka, love, please… get some rest." I said tenderly, giving her a gentle kiss.

"But-"

"Hush, love. He'll be fine. Don't worry."

It took her another few minutes to calm down, then we broke off. She looked at me sadly, then went to our room quietly. I watched her as she left. When I heard the door slam shut, I heaved a deep, long sigh. I closed my eyes, and imagined the baby in my mind.

He looked healthy and happy, the type of kid who would smile all the time and laugh for no apparent reason. I imagined him to be somewhat of a prodigy, able to learn faster than the average toddler. He would proudly recite his ABC's during the second day of class after it was just taught, he would memorize numbers from one to twenty in a matter of seconds, and by the time he turned 5, he would already have known the basics of the multiplication table.

The thought of having a prodigy as a son made me smile, seeing as this would reflect on me and Asuka as parents. Then I shifted my imagination from a healthy baby to a deformed one. He would look a little strange, perhaps even like melted chocolate, but he was nevertheless cute and lovable in our eyes. I chuckled as I imagined my deformed child trying his best to make his first steps, despite the fact that he was missing one leg. Or if the band attached to his right arm, I imagined him desperately trying to write with his left hand, despite the fact that he was born to write with his right hand. I shed a tear thinking about it, because no matter how deformed the baby would look, I would always be proud of him, and I would always love him. I made a silent vow to myself to do this the moment little David was born. I imagined what it would be like to see him coming out of Asuka in the delivery room in nine months time. I opened my eyes, and couldn't help but notice a strange feeling of loneliness.