A/N: Okay, well, I haven't updated for a while because 1) I tend to put things off for ages until people get so pissed they send me thousands of death threats, and 2) I haven't been able to decide who to write about next and which of the many theme song ideas I have to use for them. I finally decided to do Carlisle. His theme song is Like a Surgeon by Weird Al, the parody of Like a Virgin by Madonna. I don't own either song. I am not Madonna, and I am most definitely not Weird Al. And the song's much better if you also get the chance to watch the music video. Just search for it on youtube, or somewhere.

Disclaimer: Like I said, I don't own ANYTHING. Twilight, Weird Al, Madonna, these songs, or the music video. Nothing except the idea to give the Cullens humorous theme songs, and the one-shots. But I am not, I repeat, not, Stephenie Meyer, Weird Al, Madonna, or anyone else besides myself. No money is being made from this. No copyright infringement is intended.

A/N Cont: Ungh. That hurt me right here. –gestures at heart- And now for something that'll hurt your whole body when you check into Forks Hospital! I now present –dramatic music- Caaaarrrrrrrllliiiiiiiissssssllllleeeeee!!

I walked into the operating room, smiling at everyone assembled there.

"I trust you are prepared to perform the surgery now, Dr. Cullen?"

I nodded. "Indeed. I'm sorry I'm late. My children were… misbehaving." What else was new? I thought to myself. I'm always late thanks to my adopted kids. Especially… no. No, it's wrong to play favorites. But Emmett… no. Bad Carlisle. Bad.

"Erm… Doctor? We're ready to execute the surgery now."

Huh. Execute. A strange way to put it. Wouldn't you say something like perform? Accomplish? Conduct? Do? Carry out? Achieve? Execute made it sound like I was going to kill someone. That would kind of suck.

"Doctor?" the man's voice cut into my thoughts. I looked up at him, slightly perturbed for a moment before I realized that I'd been standing there for almost two minutes, and the patient, who was to have a brain surgery, was already out cold.

If I had been human, I would have blushed. I walked up to the operating table and began the surgery, trying my hardest to focus. What was my problem today? I couldn't keep my mind on track. How annoying.

What else was annoying? I thought to myself. Emmett. No. Bad Carlisle, bad. No playing favorites and least favorites. It's not fair. Edward? Yes, some of his music – no. Bad Carlisle. No playing favorites and least favorites. Edward is a good person. What about Alice and her shopping – no. Bad. Shut up.

The doctors were eyeing me now. "If you're not up to this, Dr. Cullen, one of us could take your place for the day. You look tired. Maybe you should go get some rest."

That was annoying, too. Ugh. "I'm fine."

Suddenly, some quiet music began in the room. Hm. I didn't know that they played music during major surgeries.

I finally made it through med school
Somehow I made it through
I'm just an intern
I still make a mistake or two

I was last in my class
Barely passed at the institute
Now I'm trying to avoid, yeah I'm trying to avoid
A malpractice suit

Hey, like a surgeon
Cuttin' for the very first time
Like a surgeon
Organ transplants are my line

Better give me all your gauze nurse
This patient's fading fast
Complications have set in
Don't know how long he'll last

Let me see, that I.V.
Here we go - time to operate
I'll pull his insides out, pull his insides out
And see what he ate

Like a surgeon, hey
Cuttin' for the very first time
Like a surgeon
Here's a waiver for you to sign

Woe, woe, woe
Woe, woe, woe
Woe, woe, woe

It's a fact - I'm a quack
The disgrace of the A.M.A.
'Cause my patients die, yah my patients die
Before they can pay

Like a surgeon, hey
Cuttin' for the very first time
Like a surgeon
Got your kidneys on my mind

Like a surgeon, ooh-hoo like a surgeon
When I reach inside
With my scalpel, and my forceps, and retractors
Oh ho, oh ho

Ooh baby, yeah
I can hear your heartbeat
For the very last time

Wow, cool song. I swayed a little to it. Catchy. Too bad I missed the lyrics. I should have paid closer attention. What was that song? I tried to focus. Sigh. I barely knew anything of more recent music. Now I'd never hear it again. Oh, wait, I bet if I thought the tune of it to Edward, he could tell me what it was. Ah, maybe he wasn't as annoying as I'd thought.

There were barely concealed gasps of horror. I looked down as I felt something wet squirt up and soak my hair.

I gasped.

My patient was dead.

Crap, crap, crap!

Hey, I wondered. Where might they bury her? Surely not that awful, decrepit old place down near La Push? I felt sorry for this girl if that was the case.

Then the misery hit. I should go emo. How could I do this? It was all my fault. I fell to my knees, sobbing dryly.

There were muffled laughs from everyone around me.

I looked up. Huh?

"She's fine, Cullen. Now go get some rest." One of the doctors made shooing gestures at me.

"What…?"

He grinned a very Emmett-like grin.

Oh god.

Emmett.

The other doctors and nurses in the room took off their disguises.

Jasper and Edward gave each other high fives.

"You guys'll just love what he was thinking!" he chuckled.

"What? I repeat, what?"

Edward chuckled again. "Jazz, you can stop now."

I suddenly found it as easy as normal to focus on my surroundings.

I glared at my children. "You are in deep trouble."

"But daddy!" Emmett whined. "You didn't even let us explain!"

"Fine. Explain," I said curtly.

"Okay, well, the people at the hospital said it would be okay if we pranked you as long as no one died," judging by his expression, those restrictions had limited him quite inconveniently. "So we dressed up and Jazzy made you unfocused, and Edward listened to your thoughts and you fell for it 'cause you're stupid." Jasper and I growled in unison. Jasper didn't like being called Jazzy. Jazz, maybe. But never Jazzy. And I wouldn't stand for being called stupid.

He hurried on. "So we made a robot for you to do brain surgery on. By the way, you just gave the robot severe brain damage. And I just want you to know that it was all Edward's idea."

"Ha!" Edward snorted.

"It was Emmett," we all chorused. Ah, our family motto.

"Maybe so, Carlisle," Edward agreed. "But it looks to me like you have your own personal theme song now, too. Like a Surgeon." The "kids" all laughed.

What a strange title. Huh. Oh, that was just fabulous, though. Now I could find the song on iTunes and buy it. Huh, wasn't there another song like that? What was it called…? Oh, yes. Like a… oh. That's obscene. Oh, lollipops taste good. I'd almost forgotten. Wait, I've never tasted one. Shame. If I ate one now, I'd have to cough it back up like a cat with a candy-flavored hairball.

The others just stared at me.

"Jazz, I told you to stop," Edward muttered.

"I'm not doing anything," Jasper snapped.

Everyone slowly turned to stare at me.

"Wow, he's more of an airhead than I thought," Rosalie muttered.

"You're all grounded," I said dreamily, thinking about what kind of animal you'd get if a puppy and a kitty got married.

"Well, he has some sense in him," Alice muttered.

Bella laughed nervously. "Um..."

A/N: Wasn't that fun? Love it? Hate it? Am I an idiot who seriously needs a beta? Review! And say nothing about the song Like a Virgin and how it's perfect for a certain Edward Cullen. -cough, cough- I'm considering that as Edward's. How does that sound? Give me song suggestions, please! All suggestions welcome. The worst that could happen is me not using them and thanking you anyway. That's not so bad, right? Right?! ANSWER ME!! Heh, I had sugar.