Grey Dawn, Part Six - Eternity
Beloved, Grey Dawn Remix - VNV Nation
Moments lost though time remains.
I am still proud of what we were.
No pain remains, no feeling.
Eternity awaits.
Grant me wings that I might fly.
My restless soul is longing.
No pain remains, no feeling.
Eternity awaits.
Fic written for a prompt from Vernajast and because I needed something to fulfill my angst quotient. Semi-AU, post-Kyuubi where Minato didn't die. Kakashi is 17ish. Overall rating M.
Warnings: Angst. Don't tell me I didn't warn you. more notes to follow at the end of the story...
Minato shifted uncomfortably in his seat, and concealed a yawn. He wasn't as lucky at trying to hide his rumbling stomach, and he considered exerting the authority of his office and reminding these bureaucratic wonders just who they were jerking around. He swore they did it on purpose. He mentally snorted. He wouldn't have put it past the council to have chosen these particular de-briefers purposefully. The advisers seemingly used every spare moment to push lessons and reminders and warnings his way.
It was dark by the time he started home. He'd had to recount events three times, once in front of a hastily assembled gathering of council members, and honestly, all he wanted was a hot meal and his bed, but he needed to talk to Kakashi. They hadn't spoken more than a handful of words outside of mission parameters since morning, and he had to see how Kakashi was holding up after the night before, but he'd already left. He stopped by the small apartment in the jounin bachelor quarters, but no one was home. He let it go for the moment; they'd talk tomorrow.
Tomorrow consisted of more of the same, in addition to his normal duties as Hokage. Kakashi was still nowhere to be seen, and he began wondering if the council had interfered somehow. He hadn't mentioned the incident with Kakashi, and he was sure he would never have admitted such a thing as long as it had no bearing on the mission. Another fruitless visit to the jounin quarters that night left him more than concerned, and he decided to track Kakashi down the next morning.
He went to the stone before daylight, waiting quietly in the darkness. Only the rustlings of small nighttime animals and the occasional distant barking of a dog broke the early morning hush. Even the wind was still at this hour, and he felt like he was the only person awake in the village, as ridiculous as he knew that thought was. He stretched out by the stone, so that only a corner of it intruded into his vision, and stared up at the still dark sky. The stars were beginning to fade already, although the bare lightening of the sky at the horizon was still hidden by the shedding trees.
This could be calming, soothing, if you let it. He doubted Kakashi felt this peace. He would cling to his guilt, what he saw as his failings. Maybe he derived some sense of comfort from that... Minato sighed, wanting to make sure Kakashi didn't add this latest experience to his long list of imagined transgressions. Birds began making their presence known in ones and twos and threes, calling and answering, heralding the arriving dawn. The cool dampness had seeped through the fabric of his pants and settled into his bones by the time he saw the first hints of peach and rose and gold mixed with the greys and purples of the twilight sky.
Joyous birdsong gave way to the background noises of village life, even secluded somewhat here away from the bustle. Hints of woodsmoke mingled with wet leaves and a crisp undertone in the air that he could almost taste. Still he waited, as dim shapes became visible and then details could be discerned. Daybreak came and went, was a full hour past when the ANBU guard finally showed himself.
"Hokage-sama..." It was a question despite the lack of inflection.
Minato never wavered, continued gazing into the heavens, watching the flitting clouds and the intrusive, ever-present cenotaph. He steadfastly ignored the tentative approach of his escort. A newly discovered dark, bitter side of himself wanted to laugh at the ANBU's hesitation.
"Sir. Your meeting with the council started ten minutes ago." Tone and words were neutral, carefully chosen.
Minato closed his eyes, deliberately, blocking out everything for a moment. He rose to his feet, grass-stained and wet. "Ryuu-san. Will you do something for me? Not as ANBU for Hokage... but... man to man. I'm asking."
The dragon masked man bowed. "Anything within my power and ability, Minato-sama. You have only to ask."
"Find Hatake-san. Find him and bring him to me, no matter what he says. I need to see him. Please." Minato managed to keep the pleading note from his voice. Barely.
The dragon-masked nin nodded, leaping away without another word.
Minato stepped forward, brushing the names incised in stone. Honzou Rin. Uchiha Obito. Hatake Sakumo. Namikaze Takeshi and Yoko... each name a hero, none more important that the rest, giving the precious gift of their lives for the village. He knew many of them, had heard of others, but even those unknown to him were precious. He loved this village deeply, would gladly give anything asked, required of him, for the good of the village. He lit a stick of incense, bowing and clapping, seeking reassurance and guidance from those who had gone before, asking them to impart wisdom and discernment in his upcoming conversation with Kakashi.
He prayed, communing, becoming one with his surroundings, and finally sat back on his heels to wait, cursing each eternity he waited. He watched the angle of the sun as it rose above the trees, ticked off each second, minute, hour as the fiery orb climbed toward its zenith.
A hint of a breath announced Ryuu's solitary return. The man kneeled at his feet, head bowed low until Minato touched the uncovered spiral on his arm.
Ryuu looked up at his leader, eyes glinting behind the dragon mask. "Hokage-sama... he is... nowhere to be found. I think... perhaps you should go to the council meeting..."
Minato cursed, fluently and with such invective and creativity that Ryuu was impressed.
"Feel better, now, Hokage-sama?" He asked wryly after several minutes, when Minato started repeating himself.
"Not particularly, no." Minato's hands were clenched at his sides, and he was trying very hard not to level any trees, or buildings, or people, with a rasengan, or three, or five, despite what a lovely target the council would be. He knew in his bones the bastards had something to do with it. "I'll go. Just don't let me kill them. No matter how much they deserve it."
"No fear, Hokage-sama. Ask them what you need to know and I'm sure a suitable crisis will need your attention. In fact, I can almost guarantee it. We'll come up with something to get you out of there, as soon as you're ready. I still have a squad of men trying to find information about Hatake-san's whereabouts. He's one of ours, Hokage-sama, and we belong to you, not the council."
· · · · · ·
The meeting hadn't gone well, but then he hadn't expected it to. Some things were self-fulfilling, but as much as he hated defeatist thinking, he felt maybe this assembly was doomed to fail, destined to founder, decreed so by fate, itself. He knew things were going to go badly when he received no more than a mild reprimand for his tardiness. Half an hour late, and it was dismissed as a mere annoyance.
Homura-san recapped the most recent political happenings, as always, making scant mention of the repercussions from the death of a minor daimyo and the disappearance and supposed rape of his house-guest. And there were consequences rebounding through their world. Alliances were shifting and a minor skirmish, at the very least, loomed on the horizon. It was the perfect environment for the darker side of their ninja arts. Assassination, kidnap, intrigue. All would flourish under these conditions. He'd still not completely reconciled himself to sometimes basically being the head of a glorified band of overly frighteningly skilled mercenaries.
He sat silently, listening, mind churning, turning over the ramifications of the recent days' events. And then everything clicked, fell into place, and if his heart wasn't aching for the cruel trick fate and the council had played, he might even have laughed. Only one good thing had come from this. He had finally seen through their games, their lies, their scheming. There would be no more.
He stood, expression somber, the light from the window turning his hair into a golden crown, a halo of light about his head. "Where is he?" He didn't bother to specify the he. They knew. He accepted no demurrals. They knew. He cursed them to every hell any religion ever imagined, because damnit, they knew and he hadn't. He waited in icy anger. They'd gone behind his back and he knew they'd sent him away, He wondered if they'd given him a mission or just worded things so that Kakashi thought it was for the best. "Where is he?"
He let the chakra gather in his hand, let the merest fraction of his temper bleed through, and with steely glances, they grudgingly shared their information. He sat down roughly when he heard how they had sent him there, sent him back to scout for information about the other daimyo, the one whose sister was missing. He stopped listening when they told him Kakashi had begged them to send him away, anywhere, had left in the night, hours before dawn, and he knew he couldn't even send a man after him to bring him back, not when his life depended on his stealth. One man could slip through where even two would be caught. His only choice was to wait for Kakashi to successfully complete his mission, to come back to him and let him explain.
· · · · · ·
He knew Sandaime was both pleased and worried. He'd wrested all control from the council; they were no longer more than the advisors they should have been, and that was a step forward, but Minato was no longer the laughing, boyish man who'd captured the hearts of the village. He was still loved, but where before, the looks had been fond and affectionate, they were now pitying and troubled, and he no longer cared about the difference.
A month had passed since his mission with Kakashi. A week had passed since the girl had been returned to her family, completely unharmed, her nurse and her mother punished for staging the kidnapping to allow her to marry the more malleable younger brother she loved. And still Minato waited. The situation was stabilizing, and except for the bands of men roaming the countryside searching for the daimyo's murderer, peace and a marriage alliance still appeared a likely ending to the debacle.
He waited as the days turned to weeks, weeks to months. He waited, doing his duties uncomplainingly, but silent and unsmiling, and his eyes strayed to the constantly open window, as if he could force Kakashi to appear.
And still he waited.
· · · · · ·
It was the beginning of February, and he forced a smile as one of the younger academy students shyly presented him with the crocus. He looked at the small sign of spring, and allowed himself to hope. Surely Kakashi would be home soon.
His days passed in endless rounds of meetings, constant paperwork, with his eyes flitting to the open window, listening to the birdsong and the sigh of the wind, waiting for that silent presence, the feeling of the ever watchful eye upon him from the sill, and he looked up at the presence of a dragon-masked ANBU captain.
He inclined his head. "Ryuu-san. I hope you've been doing well."
Better than you, my friend. "Well enough, Hokage-sama. Sir... a member from the council is here, along with your sensei and Sandaime-sama."
Minato considered sending them away. He wasn't interested in hearing the inevitable lecture on choosing another wife. Kushina was dead. He'd allowed the council to push him into one loveless marriage. He would never endure another. He loved Kakashi, and would listen to nothing while he was still away.
But it was Sandaime-sama, and Sensei. They wouldn't push him beyond reminding him of his duty to the village. He wordlessly nodded to Ryuu, waving him to usher them in. He evenrelented enough to sign for tea to be brought in.
Minato stood, welcoming his guests, despite his desire to be alone with his work and the open window now at his back. "Sandaime-sama,Koharu-sama, Jiraiya-sensei." He inclined his head in recognition, indicating chairs for them to be seated.
Jiraiya looked to Sandaime, and the former leader came forward. Jiraiya carried a small cardboard box and an envelope. "Minato... " He paused, obviously searching for words. The standard formulas were woefully lacking, and instead he spoke from the heart. "I'm sorry, Minato, we just received word. You were named last of kin. I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but he's dead." Sandaime stepped forward to enfold him in a tight embrace, trying to lend him strength and solace. Jiraiya silently placed the container by his side, placing the envelope on top, ruffling his hair as he had when he was a child.
He noticed every detail, almost hyper-aware of his surroundings. He saw the sloppily tied knot, and slightly disheveled hair, as if Jiraiya had been hastily roused from bed. He noted the tightness of the councilor's face, the odd expression that on another person might have been guilt. He watched the shine of tears in the Third's eyes as he took in Minato's stunned silence.
Instinct took over, providing the words he could barely say. "Thank you for informing me. I appreciate your sympathy. I'd like to be alone, now, please." He knew he was stiff, but he was holding himself together by the most ragged of strings, needed to, had to be alone to let it all go.
His mentors looked at each other for a long moment and nodded, touching his shoulder as they departed silently with the council member.
He waited until he heard the door click shut and fell to his knees, slmping against the box, such a small pitiful amount of things to reduce a life to, but they were all he had now, other than memories. He allowed himself to think, drift, breathe, and just be for a moment. Actions Kakashi could do longer do. Somewhere maybe he'd known this would be the end of everything, mourning him like this, but he'd held onto optimistic belief beyond all expectation as he always did... and he felt something inside him crack in two. He'd like to think it was his heart, but knew it was the permanent death of hope
Random thoughts crossed his mind and he thought of a barely remembered story he'd read long ago, a foolish, curious girl who'd opened another box, releasing all the evils upon the world, leaving only hope inside, fragile and near broken, but there. He shoved the box away from him, focusing on the envelope and carefully slitting it open with his kunai. He fancied he could still discern Kakashi's scent in the very paper.
Sensei,
I'm sorry. I'm weak and scared and afraid of what will happen if I stay. I'm a liability to you and to myself as I am, now. I requested a mission of the council so I can get myself back together enough to return to you. I wish I had dared talk about what happened with you, but I was afraid if I did, I would never leave, and I care for love you too much to do that to you. It will be better this way, a short time apart until I come back to you in control of myself. Will you still have me?
Ever your student,
Hatake Kakashi
· · · · · ·
Ryuu quietly entered, several hours later, found him lying curled silent and unresponsive around the small unopened box, a paper lying by his trembling hand.
Once there was Hope. Without Hope, only Discord remains.
End
I apologize for the ending, partially. I know it's unhappy, unsettling, not what anyone wanted, but it was how the story happened. It isn't right to force the story into an unrealistic happy fairytale ending, so I didn't, and for that I won't apologize. I tried to keep things realistic throughout, didn't descend to over the top maudlin feelings, not matter what this once realistic idealistic Min wanted. Even this Min wouldn't kill himself without it being for the good of the village, even mourning Kakashi... He wanted to though, oh how he wanted to... And yet again thank you to Vernajast, for encouragement and more... for reminding me of the next to last thing to fly from Pandora's box and providing a perfect way to end this... for firming my resolve to end this story the way it needed to despite my reluctance... your recent writings were such lovely inspiration, and now you see why I said our minds were on a twisted version of the same track lately... I finally finished a multi-part fic after a year of writing... (and i ssort of/s killed Kakashi on his birthday... is shot eep) for good or for ill, that's it :) Thanks for reading and I hope it didn't disappoint too badly.