Author's note: Hey there! Firstly, I would like to wish everyone a Merry, merry Christmas! May all your wishes come true! (And a happy new year!)
I really must apologize for not updating for such a long time. 2 weeks, to be exact. I'm so terribly sorry!!! I never expected that I would take such a long time.
And of course, I must thank: askani16 (Thanks so much for the compliment and once again, I'm grateful for your help), Chopstxx24 (I'm really glad you enjoyed it, but I hope it wasn't too sad, was it?), Orgoth225 (I'm really happy that you loved it so much. But you flatter me. Seriously, I'm afraid I can't be a professional author!) and lastly, mystice (I'm glad to hear that you like it. Hope to hear from you soon!)
Forgive me if you think I have too much to say, but I'll like to make a short announcement before we begin the story:
This fan-fiction will soon be coming to an end. I wish to create an ending everyone will enjoy, so I have created a poll which you can find on my profile. I do hope all of you can take some time off to vote. The results may influence the ending but I will not depend on it totally.
Now, I shall not nag anymore. On with the story and Merry Christmas!!!
Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Seed or Gundam Seed Destiny and the characters…
The tears had stopped falling.
The grasping claws of agony had been ruthlessly dragged into the farthest, darkest corner of my soul where I kept them hidden away, a swirling darkness of regret, pain and grief…
How long would I be able to keep them there? I didn't know, I didn't care.
There was nothing between the raging emotions and the brewing numbness which had taken their place. I couldn't allow myself to drown in pain's depths… at least not now, when I had to be brave, to be strong. But later… when everything was finally over, it wouldn't matter how much it hurt.
That numbness felt so good – there was no need to think, no need to feel, no need to hurt. It was like drifting in a quiet peace that brushed across the surface of my soul, like the tender hands and lips that had once caressed my cheek…
Nothing seemed like a part of reality.
The hum of the convertible's engine and the chattering on the streets blended into the fog of illusions; the gentle bumping motion of the vehicle lulled me into a strange, tranquil calmness; the light blue sky which had taken the place of the retractable hood above my head seemed like a blanket of pretty dreams I couldn't reach; the scenery I was staring at outside, streamed past like a video fast-forwarded, flowing endlessly… aimlessly.
Slowly, the convertible came to a halt at the traffic junction.
Athrun bent forward, leaning his brow against the steering wheel, his features shielded by his midnight hair. Beside him, Cagalli fidgeted gratuitously.
I turned away, peering at the streets and shops, watching as life went on. A couple, hand-in-hand, strolling past the shop windows. A giggling child pulled along by a dog. A pair of siblings racing down the street. A group of girls talking…
All of that innocent laughter and joy.
My heart seemed to have come to a standstill; deep inside, I was dead. But it didn't matter, because life would go on, even without me… or him…
They never would know, would they?
They never would understand the terror of being surrounded by enemies, or the guilt of blowing up the opponent's cockpit, knowing the pilot inside was just another individual trapped in the claws of warfare, screaming as flames engulfed him, knowing he would never see his family or friends again…
How could they understand the pain and agony Kira had once gone through, just because he wanted to save all that he treasured and believed in?
They knew his name, once upon a time.
Kira Yamato: the Ultimate Coordinator, a high ranking officer of ZAFT; the supposed fiancé of the Chairlady of PLANTS; the brother of the Representative of Orb; an astounding pilot of the Strike Freedom…
But was that what he wanted?
To be remembered for his participation in the war? To be special because he was the Ultimate Coordinator?
They weren't aware that under the kind, intelligent military officer, was a young boy who had once cried for the people he killed, who had understood what we were to fight for, who had lost so much for us...
I knew he wouldn't have wanted a part in all of it. But now that he had, he would commit anything to protect the future. He would never be able to enjoy the simple life he had thought he could have, so he would contribute to the future instead. And yet, everything had become worst.
I didn't know how many people out there on the streets remembered him, or had forgotten him. To them, he was someone who had fallen prey to his own body and for six years, no one had heard or seen him. Perhaps, he would slip away from people's minds as time went by.
But that didn't matter… because, in the end, they didn't know he was leaving the world he had protected.
The circle of red light changed into green and the convertible began to move as we headed for the hospital.
The streets and people began to blur again, until I felt loneliness and detachment swallow my insides.
But that didn't matter…
§ ♥ §
This would be the last time I walked past those white walls again, wouldn't it?
He would never come back, and neither would I. In several hours, this whole nightmare would be over, only to be replaced by another. But it didn't matter… He would be safe and far from any agony, tugged in the warm blankets of heaven and the tender, loving hands of those waiting for him among the stars. That paradise, drifting above the clouds, was what he deserved most, wasn't it? He would never feel a stab of pain again. Never… Just like I said, I would not let you suffer again.
So, nothing mattered, except keeping you contented…
The 7th level of the hospital was just like how it always was, silent and desolated, except for the lone reception counter across from the elevator and the nurse sitting behind it. But it was expected…
To keep Kira safe from curious, prying eyes, we had no choice but to arrange for him to be kept in a place where no one else would harass him because he was 'different'. No one else visited the 7th level of the hospital, where only a single patient lay in bed, suffering unnecessarily.
Sandra lifted her head to glance over the counter at us, when the elevator doors slid open. "Hi," She smiled, "Doctor Chloe told me you would come today."
I nodded, managing a weak smile. "May I see Doctor Chloe?" I asked softly.
She pointed at the floor beneath her, smiling. "Doctor Chloe is downstairs, in the Medical Research Department. She's been down there for days." Gloom came over her features. "She's struggling so desperately to find a cure for Mr. Yamato, that she's been skipping meals and sleep." Then Sandra gestured towards the deserted corridor that led to a single room, "Are you really taking Mr. Yamato out of the hospital?"
I nodded guiltily, staring at some point on the white floors.
"Oh, he won't be coming back, will he?" She murmured, her eyes too seeking the ground. I didn't reply. There was silence for a minute, until she smiled distractedly, "Well then, I'll go tell her you've arrived." She pushed herself out of her chair and moved towards the elevator slowly.
As the doors closed, I caught a glimpse of her brushing tears from her eyes…
We stood there in uncomfortable silence, for what seemed like ages before the sound of opening elevator doors made us turn.
Chloe emerged from the elevator, her head bowed; Sandra followed close behind.
"Are you here to pick him up?" Chloe muttered, her voice weary and bitter. I tried to speak but my own voice had failed me and I could only nod, unable to look at the sad, tired eyes and the pale face. She bit her lower lip hard, casting her azure-blue eyes away to gaze at the floor. "Sandra will arrange for it then; one of you'll have to go with her to the first level to settle the paperwork," She whispered, beckoning to the silent nurse by her side before she turned slowly and shuffled towards Kira's room. "I'll… I'll get Kira ready…"
My eyes met those of Sandra's for a brief moment and she glanced at me woefully, moving away to the elevator as Athrun trailed after her, every slow step displaying pain and regret.
A mild tug at my sleeve made me return my gaze to the retreating back of Chloe. "Come on," Cagalli murmured softly. The hand she used to grasp mine felt icy-cold and it burned through me, so numbing that I could not feel each step as I followed.
§ ♥ §
The room held a heavy veil of silence, broken only by the soft, constant beeps emitting from the cardiac monitor. Light slipped through the window binds in slender, faltering lines that wavered across the edge of the white bed and the still body wrapped in blankets.
There was no difference in him – no tinge of red in his pale cheeks, no wetness on his parched lips, no movement in his body… Every wire and apparatus that had once been connected to him was still there, and there were more from the last time I had visited. Yet, he was just the same: frail, thin and vulnerable.
I slid into the single chair by his bedside and merely sat staring at him, slowly allowing my gaze to travel across his sleeping features. It didn't matter that he looked sickly, he still seemed all beautiful, innocent and sweet… and I knew he would look equally charming when he closed his eyes for the last time.
I bent close, placed a gentle hand on his brow and softly murmured, "Kira…"
His beautiful amethyst eyes opened slowly, like deep pools of lavender which led far into his soul. They seemed distant for a moment, confused by the large doses of medications coursing through his blood, before they gradually filled with that strange joy he had in him whenever he saw us. His dry, cracked lips parted in a tentative smile, hindered slightly by the oxygen mask. I could only mirror it as I brushed the unruly locks of hair tenderly.
His fingers twitched by his side and he tried to raise his right hand but it was a poor, feeble attempt and my heart ached as I watched his weak muscles shudder from the effort. I placed mine over his, guiding it to my cheek. The gesture felt so affectionate; so right as compared to the stabbing coldness of his palm and the pulse oximeter clipped firmly to his fingertip.
A surge of warmth brushed against the numb, dormant corner of my soul where I had relentlessly hidden all my feelings. How could I bear to let him go?
"Hi…" His voice trembled, his speech slightly slurred from disuse.
"Hi," I murmured, unable to hide the hesitation and fear from my voice.
He reached towards the oxygen mask with his other hand and slid it down laboriously, granting me one of his gentle smiles. A bubble of fiery pain swelled in me and I fought to swallow it down, forcing my dry lips to smile as I watched his gaze shift to Cagalli and Chloe.
"D-Doctor Chloe…" He mumbled faintly in greeting, smiling slightly. Then, he stretched out his hand towards Cagalli, his arm muscles quivering until Cagalli took his palm in both hands and brought it to her lips, kissing his fingers lovingly. "Hey, little bro," She laughed, tousling his hair fondly, the gloom in her golden eyes contrasting badly with the strained delight.
Kira closed his eyes, savoring the small reunion, whilst I caressed the hand he placed on my cheek with guilty pleasure, wishing I could stay like this forever.
He remained still, eyes shut for quite a while, the smile still etched across his lips... until a foolish, bewildering thought of him leaving made panic choke me and I hastily touched his cold cheek.
Those enchanting amethyst orbs opened once again to gaze at me. Thankful tears pricked at the back of my blue-gray eyes but I bit them back, allowing relief to sweep over my soul in gentle rolling waves.
His thumb brushed my cheek affectionately, tearing me from my reverie. I smiled, pressing my lips to his palm.
"We're taking you out for a while," I said, touching his shoulder, "You'll like that, won't you?" Some part of my mind realized that it was a lie. We were taking him out, but he wouldn't be coming back, not in a while, not forever.
He blinked slowly, his expression mystified. I laughed softly at the display of sweet purity. "It's the 18th of May, Kira," I smiled, "Happy Birthday…"
"It is?" He whispered, his voice slow and soft. Slight surprise flitted through those intense violet eyes. Then, the cute, innocent smile returned to his lips again. "What y-year is it…? How... old am I?"
Something in me clenched tightly at the simple, plain question, and a cold, hard metal blade sliced through my heart.
He didn't even know his own age...
What was it like to lie on this white bed, facing white walls every day, until everything had faded into a blur and time wasn't anything but torture? There would be no spring, no summer, no autumn, no winter... Just the plain, white interior of a room. There were no colors except for the grays and whites of the hospital and nurses' uniforms, with only colors from small bouquets of vibrant flowers we took with us when we visited. There would be no sounds. Only the whirring and beeping of the large, heavy medical equipment and the occasional voices of those he knew. Time wouldn't matter then, would it?
"It's CE 83," I muttered, "You're 28, Kira."
28 years coming to a round end – to die on the day you were born. Was that a cruelty or a blessing?
"Oh… really?" He murmured, the whisper nearly inaudible. He tilted his head slightly to gaze at Cagalli, flashing a beautiful smile at her. "H-Happy birthday... Cagalli." Cagalli's lips trembled as she nodded stiffly, a forced smile tugging at her lips, "Yeah, happy birthday to you too, Kira."
He returned his gaze to me, watching my face, reading my eyes... contented just observing me and touching my cheek. I endured his scrutiny, unflinchingly staring into the deep violet pools, immersing myself in the beautiful swirling emotions in them.
"I'll be glad to get out of here..." He laughed hoarsely, "I'm starting... to get s-sick of the smell of medicine..." I could only nod at his attempt at light humor, stroking his soft hair with shaking fingers.
As if on cue, Chloe approached his bed, her movements jerky. "I'll get you ready," She mumbled, her eyes obstinately staring away from mine and his, and she merely nodded at Kira's weak "thank you".
I didn't know how long it took to remove the numerous devices and equipment. Neither did it matter, because there was only Kira.
Nothing else mattered...
We didn't speak, we didn't talk. There were just two pairs of eyes: amethyst staring into pale-blue; our hands entwined as I ran my fingers through his brown curls, waiting for his body to be rid of all that shouldn't be there.
The oxygen mask, the pulse oximeter, the web of intravenous drips, the wires that connected him to the cardiac monitor, the external pacemakers, the feeding tubes...
Everything that had kept him alive for so long, removed one by one as the minutes ticked by... and with it, went the amount of time he would have left.
Until it was all gone. The wires and tubes that had once marred his pretty skin were no longer there; the light blue pajamas he wore were exchanged for loose garments we had brought with us.
He was finally, how he should have been – pure, chaste and beautiful...
§ ♥ §
There was a raw numbness deep inside me, which dragged over all other emotions and thoughts like a thick, heavy blanket of bitter cold snow. There was no regret, no grief, no agony… no thoughts or feelings existed at all.
But it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, except for him.
The weight in my arms felt so right, so familiar and yet so strange, so real yet so unrealistic. It was like everything I had wished for: to be able to hold him, feel him, touch him… the soft, brown hair that tickled my neck gently… the soothing rub on my shoulder when he moved his head… the lean body I cradled…
Everything I had hoped for that I thought would never come true… had indeed become real. Yet, I feared it; some part of me hoped it would all go away. Irony, isn't it? When I could finally take him out of that white room into the colorful world he had saved, it wasn't that he was cured, it wasn't that we were taking him home to live with us, but we were losing him… and willingly.
I stared at the handsome face leaning against my shoulder, his eyes closed in sleep, his breathing smooth and soft.
Chloe had warned us he would be tired easily, and it had taken us much effort to coax him to take a short nap in the convertible while we drove to our destination. He was excited, despite his frail frame, at the wonders outside the white walls, the images he saw only in his dreams, the memories of long ago. He insisted on the hood being retracted so he could see the skies, and he smiled giddily at the streets, shops and people that we past.
He was like a child, seeing something new for the first time…
And we could only watch him incessantly, not wanting to take our eyes off him… because we didn't have much more time to look, to remember that face and smile we hadn't seen for a long time, and never would again.
The firm embraces Chloe kept giving him; the insistent handshakes from Sandra; the constant peeks in the rear mirror while Athrun drove; the repeated glances from Cagalli… and the many light kisses I pressed to his cold cheek…
They were all small gestures, yet, they were the very last things we could do with him. In some way, they would be our last memories of him…
§ ♥ §
The busy city sounds had faded into silence. In the distance, the soft, soothing sounds of rolling waves drifted towards us, along with the salty ocean air.
Athrun pulled to a stop by the side of the quiet, empty road alongside the beach. For a long while, we sat staring at the sparkling water and the large golden orb that hovered in the red sky. We had once been here… Kira and me, together with the children… But that was just a memory and it would forever remain as one. We wouldn't ever do that again, would we?
I turned to glance at a cluster of trees set nearly fifty metres away from the beach. Shadows waited among the leaves. Here and there, I caught glances of a familiar face. They were to wait there, where Kira wouldn't be able to see or notice them, but they could watch, to pray to those in heaven to reach out to Kira, to protect him from the hurt he couldn't avoid on earth.
Were they waiting for him? Mr. and Mrs. Hibiki? Tolle? Meer? Fllay? Rey? And so many more?
Would they really keep him safe?
Because I had failed once and now, I would send him to a better place… a paradise… I promised I wouldn't let you suffer again…
Cagalli and Athrun had gotten out of the car. I watched, as Athrun retreated a distance away, tear streaks streaming down his cheeks while Cagalli came to the back and leaned over the door, pressing her face close to her brother's. "I'm going to miss you, Kira…" She murmured so softly, it was nearly inaudible. The tears had begun to streak down her cheeks again and they fell onto his lap, a drop followed by another.
She bit her lip to stifle a sob. Gently, she kissed him on his brow and straightened, staring deep into my eyes. I wanted to avoid them, but it was hard to look away from their intensity. "Please make him happy till the end. You're the only one who can…" She whispered.
I could only nod stiffly as fear and agony broke free inside me. Tears pricked painfully at the back of my eyes but I struggled to hold them back, watching helplessly as Athrun and Cagalli headed towards the trees, turning to glance back at us repeatedly until they faded away among the shadows and leaves.
The head on my shoulder moved and beautiful amethyst eyes opened slowly. His lips parted in a gentle smile.
The sun had begun to set, half a golden circle on the horizon.
A hitch in his breathing made me realize his breathing was no longer smooth but slightly uneven. He would soon be gone, forever.
So right now, nothing else mattered, except him…
Author's note: What do you think? Good? Bad? I felt my standard of writing seemed to have dropped. I would like to hear from you. Criticisms are welcomed. So please, please review.
I hope you can also take some time off to vote in the poll I created. You can find it on my profile page. The results may affect the ending of this fan-fiction but I will not depend on it totally. If having alternate endings is something good, I may consider doing two endings, but that is up to you. Do you think I should have alternate endings???
If I will only write one ending, the next chapter (which will be the last) should be out in several weeks. But if I should write alternate endings, I may take a longer time as I wish to produce both at the same time to cater to everyone's tastes.
So, what do you think? Please review and tell me!
This is a short notice I once stated in an author's note in September but I deleted it, so here it is again:
When this story has been completed, its status will not be 'complete'. I will continue to write single chapters (or one-shots) based on events in this story plot. These chapters will be based on reader's requests. For example, I have received a request on an insight of Kira's feelings during his illness. This single chapter will be written when I have completed this story and it will not be Lacus' point of view. I hope you get the idea. But do send me a message if you find this confusing. I will end this system of single chapters when there are no more requests for a while.
Note: All requests must have a connection with this story plot.
So, please review!!! Thanks for reading!!!