UNFORTUNATE CIRCUMSTANCES

If Mulder had put money on the table that Skinner would lose is head rug in the air vents he would have won. Next time he had a thought like that, he'd put a bet on it that's for sure. Skinner was just walking down the hallway like he did everyday but since it was now summertime and the air conditioners was set much higher than usual. He felt a tugging at his head and just managed to look up in time to see his toupee fly away, squeeze through the grill and escape to freedom.

"Oh no." Skinner mouthed now realizing that he was old, bald and probably ugly as well. He felt like he really wanted to cry. A familiar agent walked by him, "Agent Dean Fuller."

He jumped so much that he dropped his sandwiches on the floor, "Yes Sir?" Fuller asked as he leant down and went to pick up the sandwiches.

"Don't worry about that Agent Fuller." Skinner bellowed in his authority tone, "Lift me up so I can climb up into the air vents."

Fuller looked at the Assistant Director as if Skinner had just told him the Earth was flat and Elvis Presley was his new partner and he was going to marry Elvira, "Did I just hear you right?" Fuller asked dumbfounded.

"Yes." Skinner was even getting more annoyed.

"Alright."

Fuller struggled to maintain Skinner's weight on his shoulders and he could hear snickering behind his back from other agents. One of them was Agent Jack he was sure of it and wherever Jack was, Agent Tony wouldn't be too far behind. Those two were so inseparable.

"Now that's what I call a superior kiss ass." Agent Tony said with laughter.

This caused Fuller to lose concentration and all he managed to do was make Skinner full face first onto the floor, "Oh no." Fuller yelled.

"I should fire you for that pathetic behavior Agent Fuller." Skinner stood up, "But since I'm such a swell guy, if you can get into the vent and retrieve my toupee I won't fire you."

"Sir." Fuller had a mission and by God he was going to see that it gets done.

Fuller used a ladder and climbed into the vents. It was freezing, but fortunately the air con system was shut down. There was only just enough room to crawl, well at least finding a toupee would be easy right?

Everybody in the FBI stopped work and looked up as the sound of the Air Conditioners shutting down filled the building. Everybody cursed as there was mechanical silence. It was impossible to figure out the reason for such an act of unforgivable cruelty.

"Sure." Fuller began talking to himself, "Come and join the FBI… Ha! We'll have a few laughs… Ha! This isn't how I pictured my FBI career George. Crawling through the air vents. I'm an FBI agent goddamnit." Suddenly something was hitting the outside of the vents and part of the metal hit him in the head, "Hey!" He cried out.

Agent Pendrell was poking the vent with a broom handle. He was sure that there must have been something wrong for them to turn off like that. It was so hot in here, he had already started to feel the droplets of sweat appearing on his forehead. And to top it off he could hear rats in the vents making a huge ruckus. He banged it again even harder.

"Hey!"

"Hey yourself?" Pendrell shouted back, "I didn't realize you could talk."

"Agent Pendrell?" The voice in the shaft asked.

"Yes?" Pendrell said.

"Stop hitting the vents." Fuller ordered.

Pendrell hit the vent harder, "You can't order me anymore you king of rats you."

"Hey!" Fuller cried out, "I'm not a rat. I'm Agent Fuller."

"There's a difference?" Pendrell had known it was him all along.

Scully came by Pendrell's office to drop off some cloth that she wanted analyzed, she'd taken off her jacket and was wearing a loose-fitting white shirt.

"I'm really hot." Scully said as she fanned herself with a case file.

"Yes you are." Pendrell said without thinking.

Scully gave him a look before leaving.

"Yes you are?" Pendrell shook his head, "What a doof."

Fuller had managed to escape the broom attack by Agent Pendrell and was still searching for the elusive rug. He came up to a fork in the road. Oh great he thought to himself, left/right or right/left? When in doubt, go right he reasoned with himself. There was still no sign so he decided to crawl backwards and try the left but in doing so part of the vent gave way.

Scully was looking at a map of the United States that was on a pull down screen. There were pins on several locations. She was sure that there was a pattern forming from these so called random attacks. After all there's no such thing as random since everything has to happen for a reason. She just couldn't see it right now. That along with the strange talk that Bill had with her, the odd behavior of Mulder and the other agents was beginning to impede her judgment, that and the insufferable heat. Scully was now in a loose white sleeveless shirt and was totally surprised that nobody but Agent Tina seemed to batter an eyelid. She heard a noise coming from above and she looked up just in time to see Fuller falling from the broken vent and landing on top of Scully.

"Get off me Agent Fuller!" Scully screamed as she struggled to climb out from underneath him.

Myers walked in on the scene, "I brought you a bottle of water Agent Scully." He said as he looked down and saw Fuller on top of his beloved Dana Scully, "Hey. I thought you were a lesbian."

"Me?" Fuller said.

"No." Myers answered.

"Me?" Scully said.

"Yeah." Myers answered, "You were on a date with a woman."

"He wasn't a she." Scully defended herself, "Wait a minute is this why everyone's been acting weird? Because they think I'm a lesbian."

"Yes." Myers said, "You're not?"

"No!" Scully shouted, "Get off me Agent Fuller."

"Agent Fuller." Myers could feel steam coming out of his ears. How dare he make a move when he knows that Agent Scully is his? "I'm going to get you for this."

"It's not what it looks like." Fuller found himself trying to scramble back into the vents. He couldn't believe how badly he wanted to be back in there trying to find that missing fur thing. Maybe Myers will calm down after the air con comes back online.

Myers thought about chasing him but decided against it, it was jus too hot. But at least one good thing came out of it… His beloved Dana Scully was straight. This was something he had to keep to himself.

Fuller continued on… Finally he had caught sight of something that resembled a hairpiece. Of all this crawling, the goal was in sight. Finally. But then… CRACK!

Michelle Harp was walking around drinking water as she listened to the endless crappy dialogue coming out of the tape. She had been listening to it for almost an hour and it was beginning to make less and less sense. Perhaps she could fob it off to someone else and let it be their problem. She shook herself out of it. That's the heat talking she told herself.

CRACK!

Harp instinctively looked up to see the vent falling apart and a body approaching her too fast for her to be able to do anything. They say that timing is everything and right then Myers walked in to see if everything was alright and his eyes widened, his jaw dropped when he saw that Fuller was on top of a woman that was in his sights and he damn well knew it.

"Dean!" Myers snapped.

"Shit." Fuller stood on the table and jumped back into the vent and crawled as fast as humanly possible but this time Myers had followed him in. They sounded like a plague of rats crawling through the vents.

"Not once… But twice." Myers growled at his friend.

"It was an accident." Fuller had finally found what he was looking for. The god forsaken piece of fur, he picked it up as he attempted to crawl faster to the nearest exit. Unbeknownst to them it happened to be the female toilets. Not that it would have made any difference. Fuller was desperate enough to do it even if he knew.

He busted open and jumped down into the vacant toilet stall. There were screams coming from the women who were in there. It was like he entered a time rip and entered a teenagers' toilet with the performance they were putting up. Myers wasn't too far behind, he could hear him climbing down. The women screamed at them as they both ran out the exit.

Scully waited for Mulder in the basement office with her friend Dennis/Denise who was wearing some sort of skimpy outfit. Mulder waltzed in and was surprised to see Scully there with another woman.

"Scully." Mulder greeted with his face buried in another case file.

"There's someone I'd like you to meet Mulder." Scully said, "This is Denise Bryson."

Mulder put the file down and extended a hand, "Pleased to meet you Denise."

"Charmed I'm sure." Dennis/Denise extended allowed Mulder to grasp his feminine hand.

"Have we met before?" Mulder asked, "You look oddly familiar."

"I don't think so." Dennis/Denise answered, "I think I'd remember a face like yours."

Scully waited a moment, "There was something you said to me the other day that got me thinking." She said, "And you're right, I should be able to tell you anything. Mulder… Denise is my girlfriend. Everyone was right I'm a happy little lesbian."

Mulder's jaw dropped slightly. He couldn't believe what she was saying. But to show proof, Scully embraced Dennis/Denise in a passionate kiss that lasted an eternity. Silence followed as Denise said goodbye.

"Mulder?" Scully asked, "It feels so good to be honest with you."

Myers and Fuller had been summoned into Skinner's office after he had been notified of them being in the female toilets. It was the sort of behavior that had to be seen to and they had to be disciplined for this. To say Skinner was irate would have been the understatement of the century.

"This kind of behavior is unacceptable in any workplace." Skinner was raising his voice, "Especially the FBI. We will not tolerate this sort of playground behavior." Skinner was in full mode shouting now, "Come on! You've got five seconds to convince me to not fire you without using the letter R."

Myers thought for a moment but Fuller had the perfect reason and held up the Toupee like he was King Arthur pulling Excalibur from the stone. Fuller held it up proudly, it was him that crawled through the vents to retrieve Skinner's precious rug. Skinner took it out of Fuller's outstretched hands and donned it.

"Thank you." Skinner said, "That'll be all."

A/N: Alright... I just had to have Dennis/Denise Bryson meet each other. I'm not sure if anyone remembers but in Twin Peaks, Dennis/Denise Bryson the cross dressing DEA agent was played by none other than David Duchovny